Wednesday, February 24, 2010

A disclaimer

By the way I know my life is very blessed and that I am in want of nothing. I know I am in excellent physical health, I know my children are beautiful and healthy. I know my cupboards are overflowing with food. I know my husband has a good steady job, that we can pay rent every month, play car insurance, pay if our car breaks down, pay the bills, buy groceries. I know all that, I know that we have been warm inside our central air house. I know I married a great man who is an excellent father and husband. I know that I was raised with the same blessings. I know that I live in a nice comfortable place. I know that my country is not ravished by war, I know my children are safe to go play outside. I am able to have an opinion on whether I think our politics are in sorry shape or fantastic. I know am I able to walk to church every Sunday, to believe what I want. To feel liberated by what I believe. But yet sometimes that is what it makes it so difficult when I never want to climb out of bed. When I want to pull the covers over my head and never emerge I know I have about every blessing anyone could want (even if we aren't home owners, we don't care, at this point). We are so blessed we have the trial of trying to cram all our stuff in our house, or tripping over our possessions. Which makes it hard, makes me feel even more pathetic I think why if nothing is going wrong to I feel so miserable. Some people like to read inspiring stories of people rising from the ashes, to humble themselves. That doesn't work for me I feel even worse, like I'm not worthy of being capable with all I have been blessed with.
The point of all this, is I don't want anyone to happens across all my rants to think I'm complaining. I am complaining, but not like I wish my life was better. I'm just verbalizing my emotional roller coaster. No need to play the littlest violin for me. I understand I have nothing to feel bad about, I'm not looking for your pity. I'm really not, I'm just hoping writing all this down, will help me pull the covers off my head and emerge a capable adult. That may not want to go sing in church choir but isn't paralyzed by it, or by feeding her fussy kids breakfast.

I truly and honestly am not looking for anyone's sympathy or contempt. I'm just keeping a journal. Sometimes I think I should make it private and not even allow my husband to view it, ok he could when I stay logged on to the computer. This is really just an electric version of the pink diary with the locket. Except locking it and hiding it under my mattress I publish it for the whole world to see? I don't know, don't ask me to explain myself, I don't ask you to explain yourself. Maybe my problem comes in that I never owned a pink locked diary. I just don't understand what you should lock to yourself and share with the world. That is definitely my problem, my mother was unsuccessful at teaching me not to hang my dirty laundry out for the world. Just be glad I don't share fights with my husband on my blog. Although I guess maybe we don't have any, he would tell you that. We both make a point of not holding grudges or remembering disagreements, so incidentally we don't ever remember not getting along. Right there is the problem all is perfect in paradise, but yet its hard to happy... why?
I really do love my life and feel blessed.

1 comment:

  1. I feel the same way as you. After writing my last post, I feel the need to write a disclaimer. I too know how blessed I am, but sometimes you just need to vent. I think writing helps us process our feelings. As for publishing it for the world to see? It holds us accountable. It helps us find companionship with those that read and comment. It makes us feel human. We are in the same boat, le.