Thursday, February 26, 2015

One last party

As I've mentioned my sweet two year old every day would wake up and ask, "My birthday?" Each day it was the same thing, and each day my heart would break when I told him no.
We tried looking up pictures of his birthdays, but that just inspired him to say, "go eat doggy cake?" Um, no, that is long gone. 

Poor child, his mom has been sick for everyone one of his birthdays (first year- first trimester sick, next year postpartum depression) maybe that's why I threw him an unbirthday. I've barely even bought him birthday presents either year... 

So after everyone's real birthdays, before J's party. We had a little unbirthday party for Turbo. It wasn't the first time I threw an unbirthday for a toddler who has no sense of time.  
All my pictures of that night are terrible. I think it was because he was so excited. 

I volunteered to make a cake for book group, so I skimmed some off, and made 6 or so mini cupcakes. Then I found stuff around the house my two year old had never seen and wrapped it up. I was recently going through some stuff from when I was a kid and found some old beanie babies, I gave one to each of the kids.  (He didn't even get new wrapping paper, it was the trash wrapping paper I found it the garage after J's birthday, there was so much tape on those things.
I also wrapped up three packages of fruit snacks, every day after he asked "my birthday" he would ask, "eat fruit snacks." Pretty much Friday night was his dream come true.

The older kids were so excited to show Turbo some love after his enthusiasm for their days. Have I mentioned everyone in the house has a winter birthday but Turbo and me. 

 We even watched Alice in Wonderland's unbirthday party on youtube during the party.
P.S. His shirt does say the birthday boy. When we were shopping for clothes for his older brother, he found this birthday shirt, he wanted it so bad, it had a cake and a dump truck, and it was on clearance for $2.50. He's been wearing it for at least a month.
That night when we went to bed that night, I told Brent wow unbirthday parties go so fast we were done in 30 minutes. It was lovely.

Still Needed

As you know I've been using Essential oils as anti-depressant medication. First off, I would never recommend someone stopping a treatment plan with their doctor just because essential oils saved my life. Literally they saved my life. (Long story short my husband was telling me about a FB thread he was reading where a FB friend of his got a ton of flack for her devotion to another brand of oils.) 

Once I started using my oils last summer within a few weeks I started to feel like myself again. Not all the time, but some of the time. And maybe not too much of the time, but I was at least capable of talking to my children without yelling. I didn't feel like I hated every single person. I was able to feed my family dinner, I realized how often I had forgotten to feed myself. Once half of my children went back to school, I also found more of myself. My husband who can be a little leery of any kind of medicine including Western totally is on board with me using essential oils, they can get pricey, but he doesn't complain because he can see a night and day difference. I felt better, but I could tell I wasn't completely back. I was very depended on my essential oils, often using them 2-3 times a day. 

Then Christmas rolled around. My husband decided we should go visit my parents for Christmas, I was hesitant, I just spent the last 6 months depressed, and one of the signs of depression is you lose interest in things that use to matter. During December, I kept wondering whats even the point? It doesn't even feel holiday like. So my hesitancy with visiting my parents had nothing to do with them and everything to do with my health. But since I was coming to see  my mom she had me go see her acupuncturist. I'll be honest I was wary, sometimes I really like her acupuncturist and other times.... For food allergies she is amazing, for children's behavior, I'm not sure I'd recommend her. I told her I was depressed and whatnot and after some work she decided I wasn't producing serotonin. So she did a treatment, which I will say was very painful, since my body was so blocked up. Normally you can't really feel acupuncture, but there were a few pricks that bled a fair amount, I got a few bruises. I have no idea how long I laid there with the needles because you take a nap, 45 minutes or so but after I walked out I felt like the fog completely lifted. I felt like I got short changed on Christmas, I only had three days of anticipation, instead of a whole month. 

That is not to say I'm completely cured. I still use the essential oils.  Which is the whole point of this post. We've had a fair amount of snow days around here, so I didn't shower sunday morning since we were snowed in. But I did shower in the evening. So in the morning I got up and got dressed, and went to take care of my kids. As the morning continued, I couldn't get my heart to stop racing. I tried drinking water, eating protein, etc. Nothing worked. When finally I realized I hadn't used oils in a day or so, and I better go medicate. Within an hour I felt completely fine to the point I forgot I didn't feel well earlier. But I also use a blend that I rub on my lower back. As you may remember, I have some problems with a slipped disc, in my lower back. I didn't put it on on Monday, I thought I'm rocking this whole health thing. Sure my hormones are still messy, but at least my back isn't throbbing. Well, my pride was stupid. My back was in a lot of pain on Tuesday morning. I am now a calm, and quiet Lesli, a humble Lesli, and I'm putting my essential oils on faithfully. Until a month passes and I forgot about Monday and my pride gets the best of me again. 


Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Nine

My oldest turned 9. Which means I've been a mom for nine years and that is just weird. It also means in the words of my brother, I'm half finished with him. Right? Not really since I'll still be his mom after he turns 18. 
I made a cookie tower with large cookies. Nine cookies for nine years, the kids found it so exciting. So much better than a giant cookie.
Opening presents. Earlier in the morning his two year old brother had already opened some of his presents when we weren't watching. So we had to hid them all in the giant old navy bag.
This picture looks familiar.

The day after his birthday we brought cookies into class, because his birthday was on a holiday.
Then on Saturday we had two friends over to play video games. I'm just too bogged down in life to throw elaborate parties.
I made him a giant cookie because he loves them, even if his dad thinks they are gross.

And with that I am done for 5 and half months. No birthdays until August!

Church with Baby #4

On Facebook this morning, I read a post that showed up on my feed through a friend sharing/commenting/liking. Who knows how FB feed works these days.
Anyway, this post was from the blog the Scampering Horse. It really resonated with me. It was about attending church while being depressed.

Since its been floating through my head all day, I thought I would share my memories of attending church with postpartum depression.

I hated it. I hated all three hours, I hated sitting on the pew, I hated listening to people give talks, I hated that my children were incapable of sitting still for an hour and 15 minutes (I know ridiculous expectations but I was severely depressed.) I would sit on the edge of the pew, my husband next to me, and the children after him. Without ever asking or talking about it, he knew that I was incapable of taking care of my kids at church. I would inevitably have to go feed my baby, or feed him on the pew, that's how I roll. I could nurse my baby, since while nursing my baby was the only time I did not hate everything about the world and my life. (Have I mention this bout of depression made me extremely angry/aggressive?) Anytime a child tried to talk to me or touch me my husband would play defense for me.

I'm not really sure what I did during sunday school hour. I never attend sunday school with a baby. Maybe nurse again? I took attendance and did other Relief Society Secretary business. but that doesn't take 45 minutes. I sat on the couch next to my husband? I put on a false face. I pretended I didn't hate everyone I saw, I pretended I cared about other people's lives, I pretended I didn't hate every child/baby I saw. The only thing worse than being depressed is having people know I'm depressed. Is having people give sympathy, having to talk to people who want to "help" me. People asking how they can help just so they can pat themselves on the back. (That last sentence-- I do not actually feel that way about my current ward members, but I did about my previous ward the previous time I was drowning in depression.) I'm naturally independent, I don't want people to help, I don't like people knowing I'm struggling. So not a single soul other than my husband knew I was depressed for most of the summer. Then as I started to slowly come out, when I started to realize the essential oil I was using was working and I didn't need more medication. I told three ladies total. I told them, I did not need help, I did not sympathy. I did not need people knowing.

Then it was time for Relief Society. I remember sitting there thinking, no, I don't want to hear anything you have to say. I don't agree with anything. I sat there in a very very dark place, always happy to go take handouts or take roll in a different room. Relief Society Secretary was the best calling ever for me depressed. I did not have to organize anything myself, I did not have run meetings for a committee, I did not have to take care of children, I didn't have to teach lessons, I didn't have to bare testimony. I was called in March, by summer my whole brain was covered in poison. The Lord knew where I needed to be.

Looking back I sometimes wonder why I stayed in my meetings. For a couple of reason.

  1. This wasn't my first rodeo, so I knew it wouldn't last forever. I told myself I would not make any changes to my life until I felt like myself again. I would just keeping moving along, keeping going one day, and the next. Whether I fed myself or my children a new day would come tomorrow, and quite possibility I would feel worse, but I would not change anything until I felt like me again. 
  2. I didn't want anyone to know I was suffering, so I was unwilling to change my routine because I didn't want anyone to recognize that it was different. Although I did change my 5 day week routine, but I didn't want my Sundays to look suspicious. (I honestly can't tell you why I'm so against people knowing I'm struggling, mostly probably because I hate sympathy. I hate people telling me I understand, when they clearly are not me, and have no idea what is going on inside. I remember at 13 someone telling me they understand how I feel, and me wanting to scream you have no idea how the heck I feel, and some things never change.)
When we got home from church, and I would rally everything I have to put my baby to bed and my two year old to bed for naps. I dropped out of ward choir, I could attend for three hours but no more. Then I would lock myself away, my children were not allowed to talk to me, or ask me anything or to interact with me. I felt terrible about it at the time and looking back I still do, I was so incapable of caring for them. But it was completely up to my husband on sundays, he also fed us every Sunday. The only thing I was capable of during this time was making eggs and toast for breakfast and sharing with my children if they asked ahead of time.

Since things are better and I feel like myself I have told people I was so miserable and depressed. Many people look at me shocked. I guess I did a good job putting on a show, although I get the impression people I really know knew something was up, they just didn't know what.

Friday, February 20, 2015

So many birthdays

We also celebrated my husband's birthday. And now my two year old is breaking my heart, everyday he asks me "my birthday?" He is exactly two and half, he still has 6 months until his birthday!
We ate mini pies. My first attempt, they could use some work as far as beauty goes, but they were yummy.


After my husband opened presents he thanked me for my thoughtfulness. Birthdays are not important to him, so that was a huge complement.  He later asked if he fails on every one my birthdays? I replied, no, but I would appreciate if you would put some thoughtfulness into my birthday dessert. It was a lovely conversation. I adore my husband if you haven't noticed. 
My sweet two year is so happy for anyone's birthday. But everyday it doesn't stop him from asking, "my birthday?"

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Valentines Day 2015

Because of President's Day we had a four day weekend. This meant the kids celebrated valentine's at school on Thursday the 12th, which meant it was a whole two days before my husband's birthday. Which meant I wasn't beyond exhausted on his birthday and I actually had energy to bake him dessert. I don't have to attend my children's holiday parties at school but they really want me there. I'm so busy with their little brothers I never volunteer, so I go because that means I don't need a babysitter for my little boys. This all being said, I always ask Brent to work at home, the two year old comes to the kindie party with me, while the baby naps. And the two year old naps, while Nat watches tv, and I take the baby to the 3rd grade party. Even though I don't even really help at the parties, I'm exhausted by the time 4 pm rolls around. Anyway, since they had no school on Friday I decided we'd have a little family valentines party on Friday. It worked out quite well. Nat helped me decorate the table, then my husband read my thoughts and offered to take the kids downstairs for a dance party while I made dinner. I made freezer orange chicken, which was perfect, because I wanted a meal everyone ate without crying, but also a meal that was easy to make, and not hot dogs, spaghetti or pancakes. While everyone was down dancing I put presents on the table. 
My older kids keep complaining I never make them anything anymore, (ignoring they years of homemade halloween costumes they have collected) and so I made them all little bears. They have been very much enjoying them. I used this pattern, they came together very easy.
Everyone seemed to have a blast. The best part is I had bought red velvet Hostess cupcakes so I didn't make dessert, yeah everyone thought they were gross but the babies and me, but that's beside the point. If I would have made dessert I would have been too tired to decorate the table. Yeah, you are right, I'm tired all the time... I blame it on the ages of my children, and the quantity. I'm sure one day I'll still be tired because my teenagers keep me up late, but right now its because my children are shear exhausting, and I change A LOT of dirty diapers everyday. 
 J at his class party.
 Nat at hers.
The family had fun. Even my husband said thanks for doing that, everyone had a lot of fun. I keep hearing/reading how important traditions are for children, traditions bring stability and fun memories. I've decided for my family the tradition is doing something out of the ordinary for holidays not actually doing the same thing each year. I have fun doing something fun for the holidays with my kids, but I do not have fun repeating the same work year after year after year.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

12 months

At 12 months and one week, Ikey totally took off walking. He has been able to take steps since December, but last week he started walking for sake of walking. Now pretty much the only time he crawls is to run. Since he can crawl faster than walking. He almost always stands up walks across the room to pick something up.

Also maybe ball is his first word. He see things that look like a ball and says, "ba ba" and then grabs it. He can also cry "ma ma" when is feeling neglected, but I've never heard him say "ma ma". He is clearly using the cry ma ma to get my attention, but its only in crying form. I'm not really sure which one he started first but he does say ba ba, in reference to a ball.