Monday, May 16, 2016

Three things about their mom

A few months ago I was driving down the street and I thought I want my children to always know three things about their mom:
1. She didn't let fear stop her
2. She always loved their dad fiercely
3. She committed her whole life to her religion

As I contemplated on that list I thought yeah that's a good list. Some might think I should have on that list that I loved my children. Sorry it might make me a bad mom but that is not on my list. I think its far more important that they know I love their dad. Also I tell them daily that I love them, I hug them multiple times a day, I kiss them, I feed them, I clean them, I read next to them. I take them on vacations, I take pictures of them, the only thing I don't do with them is play toys with them. Which they can grow up and complain about that for all I care. I don't think children should be the center of their parents world.
As I continue to think about that list, I thought about the first. I've spent my adult live in search of being fearless, in a quest of no regrets. But that is not my natural personality I was a shy fearful child, and didn't try a lot of things because I was afraid of failing. I'm terrified of being rejected and failing, but I try to forget that be fearless, so if my children grow up not realizing that then I'll have succeeded in life.

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Houses and Tithing

A little history.
We bought our house 5 years ago at 209k. The offer we accepted is 100k over that. Which means we have a lot of equity to put into a new home.
There is a problem I don't like anything in our budget. So then we started looking at things 50k more than that. Still nothing. So then we started looking at things 50k less than our budget still nothing. 100k less still nothing. I'm not interested in any houses. I'm not sure what is wrong with me.

On Sunday we had a lesson on tithing. Howard W Hunter #9
Here's some quotes

We can expect that the Lord will open “the windows of heaven” (Malachi 3:10) and shower down blessings upon the faithful.

“William (talking to a clerk), you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Would you deny me a blessing? If I did not pay my tithing I should expect the Lord to withhold His blessings from me; I pay my tithing, not only because it is a law of God but because I expect a blessing by doing it. By keeping this and other laws, I expect to prosper and to be able to provide for my family.” - Mary Fielding Smith (Joseph Fielding Smith, Life of Joseph F. Smith [Salt Lake City, 1938], 158–59.)

I had a strong impression, that as a full tithe payer I am entitled to certain blessings and I need to ask the Lord for a those blessings. I also felt strongly that what the Lord gives me will be enough but that's not always what I'm expecting or other people are expecting out of me.

Am I choosing a house through God or mammon? (I truly don't know because I don't like any houses between the range of $200,000 or $400,000.)

It might be too much to ask to get a 4 bedroom house within budget, 30 minutes from my husband's office, with good schools with a quarter acre lot. All of those are negotiable, and the only thing we don't compromise on is 4 bedrooms.

I went to bed firm in the faith that it will all work out.
Monday my husband found our dream house. My Texas 70s ranch style. 9 and 10s school ratings, .45 acre lot, 25 minutes from the work.
Of course it was under contract in less than 3 days. I never expected it would be there in 2 and half weeks.
Monday night my husband got a call from the realtor he is in negotiations with the appraisal company. It's coming back low.
Today I read an article that said house prices where we are moving have gone up 16% since the beginning of the year. I already knew that we've been watching the market since November. But it was so disheartening to read.

I had a crisis of faith.
Huge crisis. With the possibility of a lower sale price on our house.

My husband said you are always the one who keeps the faith. Nothing has changed. (That's not actually true but I appreciate his vote of confidence. Plus my husband has no guile and does not lie, he believes what he says.)

After a few hours and talking to a lot of friends I'm in a good place.

Who knows what house I will buy. Who knows what city it will be in. But it is out there and the Lord will tell us when we find it. And my family will be blessed in it and the Lord knows what our hopes and dreams are and our financial goals are. The best part of all this is the Lord is better at pointing to things that will get us to where we want to be in 30 years. He tunes everything else out and focused on his plan for Brent and I, my plan and Brent's plan.

Sometimes I'm dying in anticipation to know what we will end up in and other times I'm ready to just hang out with my friends here.

I cry about every other day because we are leaving..because I'm sad for a friend or happy for a friend..because children praticipate in choir..because I'm leaving a small town..because its cold here..because my 3 years old has another cold..because I caught his second cold..because we are moving..because my babies were born here..because my children have bffs..because I'm leaving friends..because the primary president made a baptism towel for Nat..because I'm tired all the many reasons.

Friday, May 6, 2016


About 7 years ago I decided one day I would learn spanish.
I was going to start once my husband finished his MBA. Instead we moved out of state and I didn't have instate tuition. 
Before I had been a resident for a year I got pregnant. Then as y'all know I had another baby.
We are moving, but my husband wants me to take a Spanish class after we move.
That's terrifying to me. I'm not sure what has happened in 7 years.
I won't be a resident, so I can push it off longer.

One day I will take a spanish class again. 
(Last time I took one was 8th grade.)

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Do you ever wonder?

Do you ever wonder what house I will buy?
I do.

Should I buy big, or should I buy small?
New or old
Where will it be?
How many square feet?
How far from work?
Mature trees?

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

It is what it is.

When my daughter was almost 2 and still cried hours a day a lady with 7 kids told me, there comes a time you have to accept it isn't colic. I pondered that for a while. What was it then?
A year later I finally got us some help. It takes a while to get the answers.
This lady's second child was her first daughter, who cried non stop for years. She said she honestly never got easier she just got different. If I would have ever had another child that hard I would have never made it to 7. I didn't have another child that hard, and my daughter is much much easier  now then she was then but I did had another colic infant who lasted longer than 2 months, who didn't sleep thought the night until after he was a year old. Yeah, I'm not making it to 7.

If I could have a guarantee that I would have a happy baby, or not be depressed or have a pregnancy where I could walk to the mail box, I could consider another kid, but there are no guarantees and I can never do that ALL again.

Life is what it is.

Some people have lots of daughters, some have none, some have two and some have one. Some have happy babies, some have sickly. Thankfully I've never had chronic illness in the family, but I have had two babies who hated being babies, another who cried when I picked him up. I also am still so tired after having miserable baby and a toddler with an anxiety. A friend told me, you have dealt with chronic illness, if depression lasts past the baby's first birthday, I'd classify it as chronic. Hmm, that caused me to ponder.

Sometimes I feel bad my children aren't mediocre and other times I accept it for what it is. (I know who wishes their children were mediocre? Me, an average child probably isn't all its cracked up to be but it sounds so nice. I doubt it even exists.)  

Some people love pregnancy, some people love newborns. While some of make sure our children eat food, any food. Other people are good a sports, other people are good at taking standardized tests. While others of have a great smile (what does that even mean, when someone says that?) Some people wear the color pink well, some people bounce back after pregnancy, other lose more than they gained when the baby is only 9 months old-- not healthy it classifies you as sick, other take years if they ever lose it. (Please never tell a person struggling to put on weight you are jealous of them, its not healthy and our society should not immortalize that. Its sick.) Some people have children who say, I love my mom, other people make their children cry because its time to sweep the floor. That's probably not mutually exclusive. Some love being friendly and throwing parties, others like me hid in the house. Recently I was told I'm a good listener. I almost cried I never imagined someone would tell me that. Some people get pregnant without even trying, some take months and years, other never get pregnant, while still even others pay doctors lots of money to get pregnant. I always wonder do those mothers love their children more? I asked my sister that when my daughter was about 20 months old and spent all three hours of church crying. She said, maybe in the beginning, but eventually they will hit a rough phase and wonder what they have done to their life. I'm grateful to be in a phase where I don't wonder what I've done to my life. It is what is.

Sometimes I wonder if I should see a therapist instead of keep this blog going? 

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Not what I thought

A old friend of mine had a baby last week. Although I am sublimely happy for her, I also had absolutely no jealousy. There was no oh I'm so happy for her, but why isn't that me, or when will that be me again.

A friend just came back to church after having her 6th child, her second daughter. She holds that baby and is off in la la land of love, when she stares at that baby you know nothing else in the world matters to her. Once again I'm very happy for her, no jealousy, I am so happy both for her, and both for my family size. 

I realized I'm not mourning what I thought I was. I'm mourning that my baby boys aren't babies anymore, that they no longer want to snuggle on the couch all day anymore. 
I'm mourning that I'm not longer the cute young mom with life mostly organized, I'm now the mom who looks like a tornado is swirling at all times, the mom who has more kids than you can quickly count, the mom who has more kids then hands. The mom who no longer brings fresh baked cookies to an event because what? doesn't everyone do this. I'm the mom that checks out the clearance bakery items because oh my goodness, I'm so overwhelmed we eat cold cereal for dinner. But at the same time retirement always stresses me out so clearance it is.

(On a side note, I recently realized there is a difference between busy and overwhelmed. Some people are genuinely busy but always hit deadlines, then there are other people who can barely tie their shoes they are so overwhelmed but its easier to say busy then let someone glimpse oppressive fear and exhaustion. Then there are those who scream busy every other day. I'm not sure why I don't know if it helps the stress or if they want their procrastination to be your emergency...)

 I'll never be this mom again. Sure I lived in chronic pain 24 hours a day, but emotions don't make sense.

Or this mom.
Or this mom.

Maybe it comes down to I'm not sure I'll ever be this mom again, I don't think he will ever willing let me get this close to him again.

Thursday, April 21, 2016


My blog has been a downer lately. I'm so stressed I think its all piling up.
But good news last Friday we accepted a good offer on our house. 
Zillow says our house isn't for sale anymore. I guess that is good news, since normally it says pending. :/
So here are our professional pictures. The best our house will ever look. It doesn't look this good in real life. 
First you walk in the front door.
From the opposite wall here is our living room.
Dining room
Opposite side kitchen
Here is our master upstairs
The girl bedroom
The boy bedroom
You have to go back downstairs to get to the basement
The basement
Oh and our powder/laundry room. I've never taken a picture of my laundry before.