Monday, May 16, 2016
1. She didn't let fear stop her
2. She always loved their dad fiercely
3. She committed her whole life to her religion
As I contemplated on that list I thought yeah that's a good list. Some might think I should have on that list that I loved my children. Sorry it might make me a bad mom but that is not on my list. I think its far more important that they know I love their dad. Also I tell them daily that I love them, I hug them multiple times a day, I kiss them, I feed them, I clean them, I read next to them. I take them on vacations, I take pictures of them, the only thing I don't do with them is play toys with them. Which they can grow up and complain about that for all I care. I don't think children should be the center of their parents world.
As I continue to think about that list, I thought about the first. I've spent my adult live in search of being fearless, in a quest of no regrets. But that is not my natural personality I was a shy fearful child, and didn't try a lot of things because I was afraid of failing. I'm terrified of being rejected and failing, but I try to forget that be fearless, so if my children grow up not realizing that then I'll have succeeded in life.
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
A little history.
We bought our house 5 years ago at 209k. The offer we accepted is 100k over that. Which means we have a lot of equity to put into a new home.
There is a problem I don't like anything in our budget. So then we started looking at things 50k more than that. Still nothing. So then we started looking at things 50k less than our budget still nothing. 100k less still nothing. I'm not interested in any houses. I'm not sure what is wrong with me.
On Sunday we had a lesson on tithing. Howard W Hunter #9
Here's some quotes
We can expect that the Lord will open “the windows of heaven” (Malachi 3:10) and shower down blessings upon the faithful.
“William (talking to a clerk), you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Would you deny me a blessing? If I did not pay my tithing I should expect the Lord to withhold His blessings from me; I pay my tithing, not only because it is a law of God but because I expect a blessing by doing it. By keeping this and other laws, I expect to prosper and to be able to provide for my family.” - Mary Fielding Smith (Joseph Fielding Smith, Life of Joseph F. Smith [Salt Lake City, 1938], 158–59.)
I had a strong impression, that as a full tithe payer I am entitled to certain blessings and I need to ask the Lord for a those blessings. I also felt strongly that what the Lord gives me will be enough but that's not always what I'm expecting or other people are expecting out of me.
Am I choosing a house through God or mammon? (I truly don't know because I don't like any houses between the range of $200,000 or $400,000.)
It might be too much to ask to get a 4 bedroom house within budget, 30 minutes from my husband's office, with good schools with a quarter acre lot. All of those are negotiable, and the only thing we don't compromise on is 4 bedrooms.
I went to bed firm in the faith that it will all work out.
Monday my husband found our dream house. My Texas 70s ranch style. 9 and 10s school ratings, .45 acre lot, 25 minutes from the work.
Of course it was under contract in less than 3 days. I never expected it would be there in 2 and half weeks.
Monday night my husband got a call from the realtor he is in negotiations with the appraisal company. It's coming back low.
Today I read an article that said house prices where we are moving have gone up 16% since the beginning of the year. I already knew that we've been watching the market since November. But it was so disheartening to read.
I had a crisis of faith.
Huge crisis. With the possibility of a lower sale price on our house.
My husband said you are always the one who keeps the faith. Nothing has changed. (That's not actually true but I appreciate his vote of confidence. Plus my husband has no guile and does not lie, he believes what he says.)
After a few hours and talking to a lot of friends I'm in a good place.
Who knows what house I will buy. Who knows what city it will be in. But it is out there and the Lord will tell us when we find it. And my family will be blessed in it and the Lord knows what our hopes and dreams are and our financial goals are. The best part of all this is the Lord is better at pointing to things that will get us to where we want to be in 30 years. He tunes everything else out and focused on his plan for Brent and I, my plan and Brent's plan.
Sometimes I'm dying in anticipation to know what we will end up in and other times I'm ready to just hang out with my friends here.
I cry about every other day because we are leaving..because I'm sad for a friend or happy for a friend..because children praticipate in choir..because I'm leaving a small town..because its cold here..because my 3 years old has another cold..because I caught his second cold..because we are moving..because my babies were born here..because my children have bffs..because I'm leaving friends..because the primary president made a baptism towel for Nat..because I'm tired all the time..so many reasons.
Friday, May 6, 2016
Wednesday, May 4, 2016
Tuesday, May 3, 2016
A year later I finally got us some help. It takes a while to get the answers.
This lady's second child was her first daughter, who cried non stop for years. She said she honestly never got easier she just got different. If I would have ever had another child that hard I would have never made it to 7. I didn't have another child that hard, and my daughter is much much easier now then she was then but I did had another colic infant who lasted longer than 2 months, who didn't sleep thought the night until after he was a year old. Yeah, I'm not making it to 7.
If I could have a guarantee that I would have a happy baby, or not be depressed or have a pregnancy where I could walk to the mail box, I could consider another kid, but there are no guarantees and I can never do that ALL again.
Life is what it is.