Tuesday, May 3, 2016

It is what it is.

When my daughter was almost 2 and still cried hours a day a lady with 7 kids told me, there comes a time you have to accept it isn't colic. I pondered that for a while. What was it then?
A year later I finally got us some help. It takes a while to get the answers.
This lady's second child was her first daughter, who cried non stop for years. She said she honestly never got easier she just got different. If I would have ever had another child that hard I would have never made it to 7. I didn't have another child that hard, and my daughter is much much easier  now then she was then but I did had another colic infant who lasted longer than 2 months, who didn't sleep thought the night until after he was a year old. Yeah, I'm not making it to 7.

If I could have a guarantee that I would have a happy baby, or not be depressed or have a pregnancy where I could walk to the mail box, I could consider another kid, but there are no guarantees and I can never do that ALL again.

Life is what it is.

Some people have lots of daughters, some have none, some have two and some have one. Some have happy babies, some have sickly. Thankfully I've never had chronic illness in the family, but I have had two babies who hated being babies, another who cried when I picked him up. I also am still so tired after having miserable baby and a toddler with an anxiety. A friend told me, you have dealt with chronic illness, if depression lasts past the baby's first birthday, I'd classify it as chronic. Hmm, that caused me to ponder.

Sometimes I feel bad my children aren't mediocre and other times I accept it for what it is. (I know who wishes their children were mediocre? Me, an average child probably isn't all its cracked up to be but it sounds so nice. I doubt it even exists.)  

Some people love pregnancy, some people love newborns. While some of make sure our children eat food, any food. Other people are good a sports, other people are good at taking standardized tests. While others of have a great smile (what does that even mean, when someone says that?) Some people wear the color pink well, some people bounce back after pregnancy, other lose more than they gained when the baby is only 9 months old-- not healthy it classifies you as sick, other take years if they ever lose it. (Please never tell a person struggling to put on weight you are jealous of them, its not healthy and our society should not immortalize that. Its sick.) Some people have children who say, I love my mom, other people make their children cry because its time to sweep the floor. That's probably not mutually exclusive. Some love being friendly and throwing parties, others like me hid in the house. Recently I was told I'm a good listener. I almost cried I never imagined someone would tell me that. Some people get pregnant without even trying, some take months and years, other never get pregnant, while still even others pay doctors lots of money to get pregnant. I always wonder do those mothers love their children more? I asked my sister that when my daughter was about 20 months old and spent all three hours of church crying. She said, maybe in the beginning, but eventually they will hit a rough phase and wonder what they have done to their life. I'm grateful to be in a phase where I don't wonder what I've done to my life. It is what is.

Sometimes I wonder if I should see a therapist instead of keep this blog going? 

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Not what I thought

A old friend of mine had a baby last week. Although I am sublimely happy for her, I also had absolutely no jealousy. There was no oh I'm so happy for her, but why isn't that me, or when will that be me again.

A friend just came back to church after having her 6th child, her second daughter. She holds that baby and is off in la la land of love, when she stares at that baby you know nothing else in the world matters to her. Once again I'm very happy for her, no jealousy, I am so happy both for her, and both for my family size. 

I realized I'm not mourning what I thought I was. I'm mourning that my baby boys aren't babies anymore, that they no longer want to snuggle on the couch all day anymore. 
I'm mourning that I'm not longer the cute young mom with life mostly organized, I'm now the mom who looks like a tornado is swirling at all times, the mom who has more kids than you can quickly count, the mom who has more kids then hands. The mom who no longer brings fresh baked cookies to an event because what? doesn't everyone do this. I'm the mom that checks out the clearance bakery items because oh my goodness, I'm so overwhelmed we eat cold cereal for dinner. But at the same time retirement always stresses me out so clearance it is.

(On a side note, I recently realized there is a difference between busy and overwhelmed. Some people are genuinely busy but always hit deadlines, then there are other people who can barely tie their shoes they are so overwhelmed but its easier to say busy then let someone glimpse oppressive fear and exhaustion. Then there are those who scream busy every other day. I'm not sure why I don't know if it helps the stress or if they want their procrastination to be your emergency...)

 I'll never be this mom again. Sure I lived in chronic pain 24 hours a day, but emotions don't make sense.

Or this mom.
Or this mom.

Maybe it comes down to I'm not sure I'll ever be this mom again, I don't think he will ever willing let me get this close to him again.

Thursday, April 21, 2016


My blog has been a downer lately. I'm so stressed I think its all piling up.
But good news last Friday we accepted a good offer on our house. 
Zillow says our house isn't for sale anymore. I guess that is good news, since normally it says pending. :/
So here are our professional pictures. The best our house will ever look. It doesn't look this good in real life. 
First you walk in the front door.
From the opposite wall here is our living room.
Dining room
Opposite side kitchen
Here is our master upstairs
The girl bedroom
The boy bedroom
You have to go back downstairs to get to the basement
The basement
Oh and our powder/laundry room. I've never taken a picture of my laundry before.

Kindergarten Part II

I told my husband about my kindergarten stress last night, AGAIN.
He agreed that boy is so not ready for pre-k
From what I have seen pre-K where we are looking to move, is three days a week from 9:30-2:30.
When I told Brent that, he said that is way too long for him right now.

Long story short, because of where birthdays fall in the calendar, Turbo either starts Pre-K 6 months younger than J started, or 6 months older than J, and we both agree in Turbo's case 6 months older will be better for him.

I feel better knowing my husband and I are on the same page.

Wednesday, April 20, 2016


Have I mentioned how stressed I am about my 3 year old going to kindergarten?
Summer birthday are the worst!
If I start him in kindergarten when he is 5, he turns 5 two weeks before school starts. He will be in full day kindergarten and in my opinion needs to go to pre-k before kindie.
I'm not ready for pre-k this fall, I don't think he is either.

Or I could put him in kindergarten when he is barely 6. I think that is what I am going to do, because I can't picture him in 4 months sitting in a classroom letting a teacher try to teach him how to write his name.

Sometimes I fear the only reason I'm waiting is because I don't want him to grow up. Then I watch him and think about his personality and I think he'd be much happier spending the winter digging in the dirt and running around the park then listening to a teacher teach him the difference between a question and a statement.
Dirt is far more appealing then circle time right?
I actually have never met a parent who isn't happier with their child the oldest in kindergarten. Do you know someone? Do I want to hear their opinion? Will it help me make a more educated decision or will it just stress me out more?

Maybe not over it

Yesterday my husband and I were looking at stuff online for moving. We were upstairs and we came downstairs. Our babies had made the main floor a disaster. My husband said only 2 or 3 more years of this. I started crying.
Maybe it has nothing to do with my babies growing up.
Maybe its all the stress of moving.
Maybe its- my daughter was almost 2 and half when we moved. She now tells me weekly she is almost a second grader. My youngest is almost 2 and half.

Maybe my husband doesn't have any idea what he is talking about. They will still make the house a disaster in 2 years, but in his logic in 2 years they can be taught how to be useful in cleaning up their messes.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016


When you are only 31 it might be too soon to think about grandbabies, but then again maybe its just the right time.

A few months ago I texted my husband on the verge of tears, I'll never have another baby to love. His response sure you will, you have a grandbabies. Now that might be a really weird conversation but remember I've been dealing with mental illness.

On Saturday I finally came to terms with life, stopped mourning for what has never been. I stopped waiting for a dark haired daughter. My first was dark haired. Brent and I both had dark hair as babies.

Since then we've had three blond baldies. Plus my daughter doesn't have a sister, doesn't every girl need a sister?

Well as I'm sure I've mentioned I've studied and prayed about this for more than two years now, and I'm pretty sure my daughter doesn't have a biological sister. (Although in three years I'm always willing for a surprise. Don't hedge any bets, everytime I bring this up with the Lord he tells me how much he cares about my health.)

But still this dark hair baby girl... I love the children I have and I want them, but this dark haired girl, who wears bows in her hair and lets me pick out her clothes.
She'd be the perfect baby, she wouldn't be colicy and the hormones don't make me depressed. Plus she sleeps through the night, and the pregnancy didn't cause me pain everytime I moved my body. Yeah, clearly this baby is fictitious.

Then this weekend I came to terms with life. Even though I hate bathing kids, nothing like taking my Ikey out of the tub to make me feel forlorn. I wrapped Ikey in a towel cradled-held him and showed him us in the mirror, all of a sudden I realized how much he isn't a baby anymore! He was HUGE!

Then on Sunday it was like a bolt of light. Josh can have a dark hair baby girl. I don't need a dark haired baby girl, my children can have one, and I will love her like no other because I won't have to potty train her, or discipline her, and I can feed her candy. Plus I'll be sleeping through the night.

Oh how I can't wait for that grandbaby girl. I'm feel really good about my family size. I especially want J to marry a girl with dark hair. Ha ha, don't tell him that.

Ok, maybe I'm not done with my bereavement but I'm getting closer.
And now I'm embarrassed to be admitting this. But I feel far better since I've admitted my sadness instead of telling myself I don't deserve to be sad because I have four healthy kids.