Thursday, February 18, 2010

A Continuation

I have been thinking about this for days, and it will be choppy and incomplete. It is straight emotion, raw. Overall I hate the MBA program. I know my husband needs the degree, I know it will be good in the course of our life, and rather now than in 5 or 10 years, but that doesn't mean I can't dislike it currently. This is how I feel, thankfully my husband captured it on photo.
I don't like being a single mom all day and evening, I don't like being a single mom on the Saturday. I know, I should complain some people are actually single moms, and some people don't get to see their husband's come 10:30pm. But that is also what I don't like about the MBA, can I really complain? I know my situation isn't really bad, its just uncomfortable, and lonely.
I remember when I first got married my mom, saying once you have kids when you our husband isn't around you are more lonely. I didn't understand, now I do. I don't like that my husband is too tired to play in the snow my kids, I'm not suppose to be the outdoor parent. I don't like that either he has time/energy for the kids or me. I don't like that I never get a break from dishes, or from taking them to the store with me. I don't like homework, I don't like study groups, and I really don't like finals. I don't like midnight pages, luckily work has been nice, and its been a while since my husband has been up working in the middle of the night. Although he was working at 6 am the other day, when he got out of class the previous night at 10 pm.
I don't like that I have a primary meeting, that is bring your spouse to dinner, and babysitting for kids, and saying, two kids, no husband. I don't like being always in charge of baths, and bedtime, and books. I don't like getting them down, then going to do the dishes by myself.
But luckily even if study group is on Saturday, my husband makes me pancakes for breakfast. Life isn't bad, its just uncomfortable.
I wonder if I'll look back in 5 years with fondness for this time of life. I keep thinking how I look back at our undergrad with fondness. Life was super crazy, we never spent ANY money, all I did was homework. I barely had time to enjoy my baby, but yet I know I was enjoying things better than now. I think, I'm pretty sure... Then again my husband had more time, he was only working 15-20 hours of week, in addition to classes, not 40+. Plus he didn't do homework during his undergrad.
I hate when people say, an MBA isn't bad, its just two years, after its over, you wonder how it went by so quickly. Part of me wants it to go by quick so it can be done and over and we can get our dad back. But part of me wants it go super slow, my baby is already hardly a baby, I don't want her to grow up, I want her to be my bald baby. My son is already four. When we started school again, we had an 8 month old and a 3 and half year old. When my husband graduates we will have a 2 and half year old and 5 year old about to start school. Part of me wants to be finished, but part of me doesn't want to fast forward cute part of my childrens lives that will never come back. But I'm so busy and tired doing it all alone, I wonder how I will even ever remember any of it. Two years including summers is not just two years when you have little children. Luckily my husband got a new camera so he can take awesome pictures like this, even if I can't remember anything from this period because I'm so tired, at least I'll have these.

I'm sure I'll look back with fondness, but right now I can't imagine such. The other day I realized the great thing about being poor is you can see your tithing blessings. When you know you don't have enough money to get to the end of the semester and somehow there is always enough money for food, you know it is a blessing of tithing. When you know you don't have money, and your car breaks down and somehow the money just stretches you know you are blessed. Money is tight with tuition, but we are far from the poverty line, we aren't poor. Tithing doesn't hurt, fast offerings don't hurt anymore. Time hurts, other things hurt, will I one day look back with fondness? Or I will look just look back with relief that I'm not still there? I know there are blessings all around, in fact everyday we...
I don't know this all a big ramble, I'm posting it without editing it, because that is where I am right now...
Am I joyful? probably not... but I am trying, every moment I'm not angry, I'm much closer to joyful than the day before...
I'm terrible at not being a crazy mommy, but I am trying, and that will just have to be good enough.

The thing that I hate most about the MBA is it makes me tired, really tired, and when I'm really tired my husband's personality habits bother me. For the most part I have been perfectly fine with my husband not being a present person, this valentine's day it drove me up the wall (a post to follow). I don't like being annoyed at my husband for things I normally don't care about. I know we have the power to chose how we feel. But in this season of my life is much harder than most.


  1. That's very true about life being more lonely once you have kids & your husband's not around. I never minded Justin's residency before we had a baby. Now I can't STAND it. I hate that he works at least 100 hours a week & that he's too tired to give me a break when he's home. Sometimes I refer to myself as a single mom but then I feel bad & take it back because there are women out there who have to work AND take care of the kids when they get back. I don't have to do that. I also understand getting annoyed more easily when you're already tired. For the first few weeks after our baby was born, I snapped at Justin more than I ever have before. It made me really sad.

    Hope you start feeling better soon.

  2. I feel for you. MBA isn't fun--we did it, and while DH didn't work during most of it (his program specifically made them sign a thing saying they wouldn't that first year), he was still busy from 7 a.m. until midnight all week. I was 7 months pregnant and had a 2.5 year old when we started and honestly, I hated that 1.5 years of our lives. He loved it, except for not being around for his family as much as we needed, but I just didn't have a support network and was lonely and tired and frustrated.

    And now, almost 2 years out of it, I still hate those years. I'm glad DH got to have such an awesome experience and glad he makes more money now, but especially since he hates his job, its hard to feel like its been worth it. I'm sure someday when he gets his dream job, it will be better. But I'm just happy when he gets to be home with us more (which isn't true at the moment because of his current role, but will be again soon.) Life is so much easier when you aren't single parenting.