Thursday, February 25, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Clearly my life path did not go according to plan. But the bizarre thing out of all of this is not that I got married and had children young. But in how satisfying I find cooking dinner for my family on a regular basis (notice I did not say nightly) and baking with my kids.
Today was successful if for nothing else, I fed my children hot cereal for breakfast, (Campbell's chicken noodle soup for lunch), homemade enchiladas (that they ate!) for dinner, with green beans, and my son and I baked homemade cookies tonight after putting the baby down.
(Speaking of which what makes cookie paddles so great Liz?)
I remember asking my mom when my first was a baby, what do you say when people ask you if you have a good baby and they aren't? My first was a good baby.
That being said the kids are completely different and can't really compare. The pictures are totally not fair to my daughter. Other than that is exactly what she looks like soo much of the time, and even with the tears she is beautiful. We have so many pictures of her crying because she is just so darn cute, and does it all the time. I have practically no pictures of my son crying as a baby, because he didn't cry, although that has now been remedied, both him crying and pictures. My husband and I love this picture that was taken a few weeks ago, they got in a fight, and both ended up crying. I don't mean to say I love one of my children more than the other, they are just very different and I've noticed how different it is to parent them as babies. During number one I was blessed with an easy going baby so I could go to school, with number two I have been blessed with an outpouring of love to help me survive when I want to pull my hair out.
The point of all this, is I don't want anyone to happens across all my rants to think I'm complaining. I am complaining, but not like I wish my life was better. I'm just verbalizing my emotional roller coaster. No need to play the littlest violin for me. I understand I have nothing to feel bad about, I'm not looking for your pity. I'm really not, I'm just hoping writing all this down, will help me pull the covers off my head and emerge a capable adult. That may not want to go sing in church choir but isn't paralyzed by it, or by feeding her fussy kids breakfast.
I truly and honestly am not looking for anyone's sympathy or contempt. I'm just keeping a journal. Sometimes I think I should make it private and not even allow my husband to view it, ok he could when I stay logged on to the computer. This is really just an electric version of the pink diary with the locket. Except locking it and hiding it under my mattress I publish it for the whole world to see? I don't know, don't ask me to explain myself, I don't ask you to explain yourself. Maybe my problem comes in that I never owned a pink locked diary. I just don't understand what you should lock to yourself and share with the world. That is definitely my problem, my mother was unsuccessful at teaching me not to hang my dirty laundry out for the world. Just be glad I don't share fights with my husband on my blog. Although I guess maybe we don't have any, he would tell you that. We both make a point of not holding grudges or remembering disagreements, so incidentally we don't ever remember not getting along. Right there is the problem all is perfect in paradise, but yet its hard to happy... why?
I really do love my life and feel blessed.
After my nap on Sunday I felt like I had woke up, in more than one way. I was able to make dinner, I was able to deal with whiny kids. Since sunday, I've planned out the menu for the week. I've cleaned the kitchen multiple times, I've dealt with insurance, I feel like bad to my old self, but only paritally, each day has been a forced decision to be a capable adult. As long as I remember my mantras.
I can do hard things
I can choose to be flexible
My children are not vindictive. (I mean come on look at her)
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Anyone else suffer from the Februaries?
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
After writing all that about Exodus and Water, I remember I should be listening to conference talks before I watch hours of hulu tv. So I did, I watched, To Acquire Spiritual Guidance by Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. His talk was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Here is the specific part that was for me.
The inspiring influence of the Holy Spirit can be overcome or masked by strong emotions, such as anger, hate, passion, fear, or pride. When such influences are present, it is like trying to savor the delicate flavor of a grape while eating a jalapeño pepper. Both flavors are present, but one completely overpowers the other. In like manner, strong emotions overcome the delicate promptings of the Holy Spirit.
A few paragraphs down he says,
I share a warning. Satan is extremely good at blocking spiritual communication by inducing individuals, through temptation, to violate the laws upon which spiritual communication is founded. With some, he is able to convince them that they are not able to receive such guidance from the Lord.Blogger is being silly, I have no idea how to fix this formatting, and don't care. Reason # 800 million why Shannon doesn't like blogger. And Reason #800 million trillion my husband doesn't like GNU (gooey)
I was first called to repentance when I read Deuteronomy 8, (because as we all know the poor can be prideful just as much a rich-- I'm poor in time)
14 Then thine heart be lifted up, and thou forget the Lord thy God, which brought thee forth out of the land of Egypt, from the house of bondage;One way we have been blessed we live less than 20 minutes away from the University instead of an hour away like when we did when my husband took his GMAT. Plus the the whole reason we moved was because my husband got a new job, and a big fat raise so we are actually able to pay for his tuition. Now many would say, my husband got the job because he went to college, and he has experience, he was the best qualified candidate for the job. This may all be true, but I do not believe Brent got the job on his own. I believe the Lord opened doors for him to make it possible. The Lord opens doors and gives blessings all the time that we can chose to partake of, he never forces us. So anything we think we did something ourselves we didn't really, we just chose to walk in a door or a window he opened for us. Just like with the fiery serpents, we have to look to live. The Lord doesn't force anyone to partake of the blessing. Things will all work out after we do all that we can, is a blessing from the Lord. My husband has so much more faithful than me, and always says things will all work out, I say no they won't while on the verge of tears but he is right they always work out. Even if they don't work out the way I want. The Lord will always bless us if when we look, and often times when aren't so obedient also.16 Who fed thee in the wilderness with manna, which thy fathers knew not, that he might humble thee, and that he might prove thee, to do thee good at thy latter end;
Also we moved AGAIN, but it was a great move because J has so many friends all around around us, not to mention I have other mothers to talk to during the day. J has never had the option of playing with friends almost every day, and even if I'm home alone all day, at least J isn't home alone all day with me. Plus if an ememergancy did arise, I would have help if I needed it. I'm not worried every night that someone is going to break in my house like our last place. I'm not worried to be home alone without my husband day or night. Where we live now is truly a blessing.
All the previously listed scriptures called me to repentance last night, but I found 1 Nephi 17 very relateable.
30 And notwithstanding they being led, the Lord their God, their Redeemer, going before them, leading them by day and giving light unto them by night, and doing all things for them which were expedient for man to receive, they hardened their hearts and blinded their minds, and reviled against Moses and against the true and living God.
To move onto a new analogy, we have to walk into the dark sometimes before we see the light. Well I won't be surprised if the MBA is two years of standing in the dark, waiting for the light. Which is really ok, sometimes I'll see glimmers of light, and other times I'll just have to wait.
Plus honestly, as long as I stop whining I can remember my blessings, and I'll survive just fine. Blessings, like my husband's above average company raise and bonus he just received.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
I don't like being a single mom all day and evening, I don't like being a single mom on the Saturday. I know, I should complain some people are actually single moms, and some people don't get to see their husband's come 10:30pm. But that is also what I don't like about the MBA, can I really complain? I know my situation isn't really bad, its just uncomfortable, and lonely.
I remember when I first got married my mom, saying once you have kids when you our husband isn't around you are more lonely. I didn't understand, now I do. I don't like that my husband is too tired to play in the snow my kids, I'm not suppose to be the outdoor parent. I don't like that either he has time/energy for the kids or me. I don't like that I never get a break from dishes, or from taking them to the store with me. I don't like homework, I don't like study groups, and I really don't like finals. I don't like midnight pages, luckily work has been nice, and its been a while since my husband has been up working in the middle of the night. Although he was working at 6 am the other day, when he got out of class the previous night at 10 pm.
I don't like that I have a primary meeting, that is bring your spouse to dinner, and babysitting for kids, and saying, two kids, no husband. I don't like being always in charge of baths, and bedtime, and books. I don't like getting them down, then going to do the dishes by myself.
But luckily even if study group is on Saturday, my husband makes me pancakes for breakfast. Life isn't bad, its just uncomfortable.
I wonder if I'll look back in 5 years with fondness for this time of life. I keep thinking how I look back at our undergrad with fondness. Life was super crazy, we never spent ANY money, all I did was homework. I barely had time to enjoy my baby, but yet I know I was enjoying things better than now. I think, I'm pretty sure... Then again my husband had more time, he was only working 15-20 hours of week, in addition to classes, not 40+. Plus he didn't do homework during his undergrad.
I hate when people say, an MBA isn't bad, its just two years, after its over, you wonder how it went by so quickly. Part of me wants it to go by quick so it can be done and over and we can get our dad back. But part of me wants it go super slow, my baby is already hardly a baby, I don't want her to grow up, I want her to be my bald baby. My son is already four. When we started school again, we had an 8 month old and a 3 and half year old. When my husband graduates we will have a 2 and half year old and 5 year old about to start school. Part of me wants to be finished, but part of me doesn't want to fast forward cute part of my childrens lives that will never come back. But I'm so busy and tired doing it all alone, I wonder how I will even ever remember any of it. Two years including summers is not just two years when you have little children. Luckily my husband got a new camera so he can take awesome pictures like this, even if I can't remember anything from this period because I'm so tired, at least I'll have these.
I'm sure I'll look back with fondness, but right now I can't imagine such. The other day I realized the great thing about being poor is you can see your tithing blessings. When you know you don't have enough money to get to the end of the semester and somehow there is always enough money for food, you know it is a blessing of tithing. When you know you don't have money, and your car breaks down and somehow the money just stretches you know you are blessed. Money is tight with tuition, but we are far from the poverty line, we aren't poor. Tithing doesn't hurt, fast offerings don't hurt anymore. Time hurts, other things hurt, will I one day look back with fondness? Or I will look just look back with relief that I'm not still there? I know there are blessings all around, in fact everyday we...
I don't know this all a big ramble, I'm posting it without editing it, because that is where I am right now...
Am I joyful? probably not... but I am trying, every moment I'm not angry, I'm much closer to joyful than the day before...
I'm terrible at not being a crazy mommy, but I am trying, and that will just have to be good enough.
The thing that I hate most about the MBA is it makes me tired, really tired, and when I'm really tired my husband's personality habits bother me. For the most part I have been perfectly fine with my husband not being a present person, this valentine's day it drove me up the wall (a post to follow). I don't like being annoyed at my husband for things I normally don't care about. I know we have the power to chose how we feel. But in this season of my life is much harder than most.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Create your own visited map of The United States
I like to have a sense of entire accomplishment. Which is why I read magazines I don't even like cover to cover, to appease my sense of accomplishment. I'll be able to focus on the world once I finish the United States.
(Driving through states counts, airports don't.)
This love story that begins a long time ago. Back in 2004, when I was barely dating my husband he told me he would buy me a present on his birthday. Meaning I will buy you a valentine's present, implying even though it is june I still plan on being with you in February. Well February 2005 came and we were married, and a huge snow storm blew in so basically all my husband did was shovel snow all day long. He planned on going to Hallmark while I was in class and getting these little frogs I thought were cute, but we didn't go to school, because he shoveled snow all day. He went the next day, and they were half off. He thought this was a great deal, and decided we would celebrate valentine's day the day after, every year from now on, and get my presents half off. Well I can tell you how long cutesy commercial valentine's presents lasted in our relationship. Not long that's how long, I think those were my only traditional valentine's presents, he might have gotten me one the following year, but I doubt it since the day after valentine's the following year I was in labor.
(My husband has a history of giving me Christmas presents, valentine's presents, birthday presents late, anniversary presents late. He takes some sort of twisted pride in it.)
Fast forward to this year, my husband informs during "our" valentine's party that he isn't much of a romantic, and he just isn't one to buy a valentine's present. I sharply responded you chose not to buy me something, then quickly ignore him. Taking emotion out of it, I know my husband isn't much of a present person, I usually buy my own presents, with his paycheck, because I don't work. He isn't a present person, and I want things like diamond rings, and Five Year Anniversary rings. Most people would think his proposal to me for marriage was anything but romantic, but it is so us, and its not very "romantic" but if it was I might have keeled over in embarrassment. Back to the love story at hand, it is the day after valentine's day and I have forgiven my husband for being himself and not getting me a present. I'm overall stressed from his schedule and annoyed at things that normally don't bother me. I no longer feel guilty that I bought myself a $14 necklace. We go to my grandma's house, and admire her new desk chair. This is now my third time admiring it, and my second time with my husband, but it looks so fancy and nice, and I have never owned a nice comfortable, fancy desk chair. At home I have this waiting for me.
Whenever we are at Sam's and I see flowers I ask my husband when he is going to buy me some. He asks if I want them right now. I say no, I don't want to spend $20 on two dozen roses, I want you to. If I wanted to spend it then I would buy them myself. And that right there is the long and short of romantic presents in our house. If I want it at the price, I buy it, if I want it but don't want to pay the price I ask my husband and he doesn't buy it. He understands that, and doesn't buy me very much stuff, I don't understand it, buy myself lots of stuff, and whine to him that he doesn't buy me more. Yes, I'm sort of a brat, but he loves me anyway, and I put up with no romantic presents, and buying myself a birthday cake. That is what love is all about, sacrificing for the person you claim to love. Putting up with their quirky habits.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Saturday, February 13, 2010
- I think the holiday is infinitely more fun as a kids holiday, than as a romantic lover holiday. Blah, on the romance. Its about party, treats and silly paper cards.
- Turns out I must really enjoy making cupcakes and sugar cookies; I've three batches of both sugar cookies and cupcakes in three weeks.
- I enjoy making my kids homemade valentine's presents, but it took me a while to figure out why. Christmas and birthdays are already filled with multitudes of stuff, a stupid homemade doll that mom makes would be lost and never thought of, I don't need praise from my children, but if I spend the time to make something, I would at least like it to be played with once. Since I do enjoy making them little things, valentines provides a nice opportunity. Not to mention they get a "valentine" without me shoving even more sugar in their little bodies.
- I despise the idea that infatuation, lust, or extravagance towards a person is love. Love is not about what you receive, its about what you give, and I don't mean material objects. Hollywood movies do not show love, a better example would be when President and Sister Hinckley were alive. Real fulfillment is in giving love not receiving love. Which is why a parent claims to love a child more than they can understand.
- As cheesey as it sound to quote a song, yesterday when I was driving to Tumbling for Preschoolers, Maroon 5's She Will Be Loved came on the radio, now I'd hardly use this song as a example of love, but I still like the line that says, "It's not always rainbows and butterflies, It's compromise that moves us along" Anyone who thinks love isn't about sacrificing what you want for the betterment of someone else is sorely mistaken.
- No I don't think 5 years of marriage makes me an expert on marriage or love. But I have some pet peeves when people use the word "love" so what better place to express them then on my blog.
- We like the world love in our house, I tell my husband that about 10 times a day, and he expresses it back about 80% of the time. But I don't expect him to ever reciprocate just because I said something. Not to mention he also says, i love you, without me repeating it back. My children hear me tell them so much, my son always tells his grandmas, bye, I love you. He also tells his dad that when he leaves for work or school. My daughter instantly smiles when she hears it, she knows what it means.
- Finally, I know my husband loves me, because 3 months after we were married, he took this picture of me, and was so proud. Personally I think he was just proud that his new wife was drinking an expired juice box from his mom's pantry. If that picture doesn't show love I don't know what else does. At least I know, he didn't marry me for my looks, and he will still want to be sitting next to me in 50 years.
Friday, February 12, 2010
- Olympic ads, the last time we saw the winter Olympics was when I was in the hospital giving birth to him. Four seems so old and not so old at the same time.
- (I ran out of wrapping paper, so instead we just decorated the amazon box from grammy, we both had a lot of fun.)
- He is obsessed all things "China" he tells me all about "china people" all day, and what they say, and what they do. His dad is slightly concerned we'll look way racist out of the house, when "china people" come up in conversation. But China is J's imaginary world, where he makes up his own language.
- In the last month his face seems to have gone through a growth spurt, because his face looks so much older to me lately, and so much less like my baby. (Actually his whole head, his shirt collars are tight coming on and off again.)
- He is currently enrolled in a tumbling class at our local Rec center. I had a conversation with his tumbling teacher and someone else that works at the center about how they don't want parents in there, its easier for the kids without there parents in there. (I don't sit in there, he doesn't want me in there.) I said, I'm totally ok with him having his own life. J really excels when his parents aren't watching.
- I successfully signed him up for preschool next year. He loves art work, letters, "reading", "writing", having a life beyond me and N babe, I'm sure he will love preschool next year.
- Being Josh's mom is awe inspiring. He learns and does so much when I'm not paying attention. I'm sure I come off as a bragging mother, but I don't mean to. I don't say things in a bragging way, I don't think my kid is any better than any than any other kid. But I do find being his mom overwhelming, what am I suppose to do with a kid who knows how to draw a bird?! at four?!
- But I really believe all kids have different strengths and weaknesses. J is getting B-I-K-E for his birthday, as of now he doesn't how to peddle, it might take him a while longer to learn. The other night my husband and I were talking, and long story short, I said, well my assumption is that in 10 years, C (the girl next door) will be playing softball or volleyball, while our son will be chatting on the internet with people on the other side of the country or world that he has never met. Why, because that is what both of his parents were doing when they were 14. Maybe he won't be chatting, but I doubt he has lots of year of organized sports ahead of him. He isn't much of a team player.
- My child is in a computer guru for only 4, he often does stuff that annoys me. The other day he wanted to listen to the save by the bell son on Liz's blog, and I said no, and closed the browser, and walked way. Next thing I know he was listening to the song. He has his own computer profile, and internet avatar, that has "brown skin" his words not mine, and "superhero clothes, he is super fast". And now I must end my memoirs of him, because he wants to play a computer game.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Tonight I made Turkey Homemade Noodle Soup. The kids were not so excited about a meal, because it doesn't look like it came out of a Campbell's soup can. My daughter never did touch it, without crying, every time we tried to convince my son to take a bite, my daughter would shake her head no, and cry out in defensive of her brother. She did not want him to suffer a fate of eating the terrible homemade mess. My son finally ate some soup in exchange for a bowl of jello. But every bite of his was accompanied with a scream from his sister. She couldn't believe we were being so mean to him. Once he started eating it, he liked it, but my daughter was never convinced and never stopped crying and looking at her parents like we had betrayed the coolest person in the world, her big brother.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
Although I will say, I hate when people try to look perfect. Children are not perfect, life is not perfect, so why is anyone pretending. I despise thing people say children made when they look perfect. No, sorry, I child did not make that. Children make things that say "amg" instead of "gma" (there is no way in heck my child has the attention to place letter stickers that say grandma or write grandma).
Valentine's is about cheap paper, candy, or messy kid projects. Not about perfection, not about something that costs more money to make, than to buy. Sorry, I know I like to craft. In fact I made valentine boxes out of old kleenex boxes for everyone in the house today. But come on, why is everyone pretending their kids are as talented as sweatshop workers in foreign countries, and vintage is anything but old, trendy is beautiful and will still be beautiful in 5 years. Told you I was in a bad mood.