In the kitchen

As a young child of 10ish, I remember telling people I'm not going to get married until I'm at least 25, I have things to do before that-- getting married young is silly. As I got older, at about age 14, I had sworn off marriage, it seemed good for nothing, except bring children in the world, something I had no interest in. I babysat usually 3 times a week, and had my fill of children for a lifetime. My husband doesn't believe me, but in Young Womens lessons about the importance of temple marriage, I was very honest in telling my leaders I didn't want to get married. (They never knew quite what to do with that information.) Other than cleaning the house I had no interested in domestic matters. I stopped helping in yard work at about age 13. I stopped baking probably by 12, and never did show much enthusiasm for cooking. My mother always planned on teaching me to cook, but despite her best efforts I was always too busy with school, part times jobs, friends or sunday naps.
Clearly my life path did not go according to plan. But the bizarre thing out of all of this is not that I got married and had children young. But in how satisfying I find cooking dinner for my family on a regular basis (notice I did not say nightly) and baking with my kids.
Today was successful if for nothing else, I fed my children hot cereal for breakfast, (Campbell's chicken noodle soup for lunch), homemade enchiladas (that they ate!) for dinner, with green beans, and my son and I baked homemade cookies tonight after putting the baby down.
(Speaking of which what makes cookie paddles so great Liz?)

A disclaimer

By the way I know my life is very blessed and that I am in want of nothing. I know I am in excellent physical health, I know my children are beautiful and healthy. I know my cupboards are overflowing with food. I know my husband has a good steady job, that we can pay rent every month, play car insurance, pay if our car breaks down, pay the bills, buy groceries. I know all that, I know that we have been warm inside our central air house. I know I married a great man who is an excellent father and husband. I know that I was raised with the same blessings. I know that I live in a nice comfortable place. I know that my country is not ravished by war, I know my children are safe to go play outside. I am able to have an opinion on whether I think our politics are in sorry shape or fantastic. I know am I able to walk to church every Sunday, to believe what I want. To feel liberated by what I believe. But yet sometimes that is what it makes it so difficult when I never want to climb out of bed. When I want to pull the covers over my head and never emerge I know I have about every blessing anyone could want (even if we aren't home owners, we don't care, at this point). We are so blessed we have the trial of trying to cram all our stuff in our house, or tripping over our possessions. Which makes it hard, makes me feel even more pathetic I think why if nothing is going wrong to I feel so miserable. Some people like to read inspiring stories of people rising from the ashes, to humble themselves. That doesn't work for me I feel even worse, like I'm not worthy of being capable with all I have been blessed with.
The point of all this, is I don't want anyone to happens across all my rants to think I'm complaining. I am complaining, but not like I wish my life was better. I'm just verbalizing my emotional roller coaster. No need to play the littlest violin for me. I understand I have nothing to feel bad about, I'm not looking for your pity. I'm really not, I'm just hoping writing all this down, will help me pull the covers off my head and emerge a capable adult. That may not want to go sing in church choir but isn't paralyzed by it, or by feeding her fussy kids breakfast.

I truly and honestly am not looking for anyone's sympathy or contempt. I'm just keeping a journal. Sometimes I think I should make it private and not even allow my husband to view it, ok he could when I stay logged on to the computer. This is really just an electric version of the pink diary with the locket. Except locking it and hiding it under my mattress I publish it for the whole world to see? I don't know, don't ask me to explain myself, I don't ask you to explain yourself. Maybe my problem comes in that I never owned a pink locked diary. I just don't understand what you should lock to yourself and share with the world. That is definitely my problem, my mother was unsuccessful at teaching me not to hang my dirty laundry out for the world. Just be glad I don't share fights with my husband on my blog. Although I guess maybe we don't have any, he would tell you that. We both make a point of not holding grudges or remembering disagreements, so incidentally we don't ever remember not getting along. Right there is the problem all is perfect in paradise, but yet its hard to happy... why?
I really do love my life and feel blessed.

Back?

I might be back to my old self again, or I might just be on vacation to my old self, finding myself this weekend, in my bedroom with the door shut by myself. What ever the case I feel better than I did last week. Winter seems overly long, but I know one day it will be warm outside and sunny. I have changed two things-- given myself two mantras. "I can do hard things" Thanks whatever lady general authority said that, I taped it my kitchen cupboard and in my bathroom. Its reminding me I can do hard things, like pull myself out of bed in the morning and make breakfast for crying children. Yes, some of you can think your life is easy stop complaining, but we each struggle with different things. Mine would be Seasonal Affective Disorder, I always get like this in the late winter. Luckily the birds have returned, I have heard them singing, as had my son, we love the birds singing in the morning. Other Mantra, "I can choose to be flexible" Lately I have had a hard time not completely melting down if something doesn't go as planned to MY schedule. My poor husband, I haven't told him MY schedule he is just suppose to know it and do it, and it never works, not to mention his schedule actually involves real things like working and going to school. Last mantra, "my children are not vindictive". I keep thinking my daughter is out to get me, is being spiteful when she cries instead of falling asleep immediately. I think of it as a personal vendetta towards me. When in reality it is nothing of the sort, she is a baby. As my husband pointed out I don't immediately fall asleep either.
After my nap on Sunday I felt like I had woke up, in more than one way. I was able to make dinner, I was able to deal with whiny kids. Since sunday, I've planned out the menu for the week. I've cleaned the kitchen multiple times, I've dealt with insurance, I feel like bad to my old self, but only paritally, each day has been a forced decision to be a capable adult. As long as I remember my mantras.
I can do hard things
I can choose to be flexible
My children are not vindictive. (I mean come on look at her)

Even more

After writing all that about Exodus and Water, I remember I should be listening to conference talks before I watch hours of hulu tv. So I did, I watched, To Acquire Spiritual Guidance by Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. His talk was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Here is the specific part that was for me.

The inspiring influence of the Holy Spirit can be overcome or masked by strong emotions, such as anger, hate, passion, fear, or pride. When such influences are present, it is like trying to savor the delicate flavor of a grape while eating a jalapeño pepper. Both flavors are present, but one completely overpowers the other. In like manner, strong emotions overcome the delicate promptings of the Holy Spirit.

A few paragraphs down he says,

I share a warning. Satan is extremely good at blocking spiritual communication by inducing individuals, through temptation, to violate the laws upon which spiritual communication is founded. With some, he is able to convince them that they are not able to receive such guidance from the Lord.

Blogger is being silly, I have no idea how to fix this formatting, and don't care. Reason # 800 million why Shannon doesn't like blogger. And Reason #800 million trillion my husband doesn't like GNU (gooey)

New Topic: Water

For my next topic of study I chose water, since it is often symbolic of covenants made with God. With my full time gig I'm not able to attend the temple as often as I'd like, so I figure better study up. Last night I read, Exodus 17, which then references Deut. 8: 15; Ps. 78: 20; Isa. 48: 21; 1 Ne. 17: 29; 2 Ne. 25: 20. I realized I'm not much better than the Israelites right now. Sure I feel like I'm wandering around in my own wilderness right now, but I have blessings all around, and I'm probably being being just as ignorant as them.
I was first called to repentance when I read Deuteronomy 8, (because as we all know the poor can be prideful just as much a rich-- I'm poor in time)

14 Then thine heart be lifted up, and thou forget the Lord thy God, which brought thee forth out of the land of Egypt, from the house of bondage;

15 Who led thee through that great and terrible wilderness, wherein were fiery serpents, and scorpions, and drought, where there was no water; who brought thee forth water out of the rock of flint;

16 Who fed thee in the wilderness with manna, which thy fathers knew not, that he might humble thee, and that he might prove thee, to do thee good at thy latter end;

17 And thou say in thine heart, My power and the might of mine hand hath gotten me this wealth.

One way we have been blessed we live less than 20 minutes away from the University instead of an hour away like when we did when my husband took his GMAT. Plus the the whole reason we moved was because my husband got a new job, and a big fat raise so we are actually able to pay for his tuition. Now many would say, my husband got the job because he went to college, and he has experience, he was the best qualified candidate for the job. This may all be true, but I do not believe Brent got the job on his own. I believe the Lord opened doors for him to make it possible. The Lord opens doors and gives blessings all the time that we can chose to partake of, he never forces us. So anything we think we did something ourselves we didn't really, we just chose to walk in a door or a window he opened for us. Just like with the fiery serpents, we have to look to live. The Lord doesn't force anyone to partake of the blessing. Things will all work out after we do all that we can, is a blessing from the Lord. My husband has so much more faithful than me, and always says things will all work out, I say no they won't while on the verge of tears but he is right they always work out. Even if they don't work out the way I want. The Lord will always bless us if when we look, and often times when aren't so obedient also.
Also we moved AGAIN, but it was a great move because J has so many friends all around around us, not to mention I have other mothers to talk to during the day. J has never had the option of playing with friends almost every day, and even if I'm home alone all day, at least J isn't home alone all day with me. Plus if an ememergancy did arise, I would have help if I needed it. I'm not worried every night that someone is going to break in my house like our last place. I'm not worried to be home alone without my husband day or night. Where we live now is truly a blessing.
All the previously listed scriptures called me to repentance last night, but I found 1 Nephi 17 very relateable.

30 And notwithstanding they being led, the Lord their God, their Redeemer, going before them, leading them by day and giving light unto them by night, and doing all things for them which were expedient for man to receive, they hardened their hearts and blinded their minds, and reviled against Moses and against the true and living God.

31 And it came to pass that according to his word he did destroy them; and according to his word he did lead them; and according to his word he did do all things for them; and there was not any thing done save it were by his word.

For whatever reason I think the the last 6 months have been the hardest in my adult life. I'm grateful I have a strong foundation, I can understand why one day people go to church regularly, and the next month stop. I personally feel like I've invested too much just to give up. I can put on a face and grin and bear it until it gets better.
To move onto a new analogy, we have to walk into the dark sometimes before we see the light. Well I won't be surprised if the MBA is two years of standing in the dark, waiting for the light. Which is really ok, sometimes I'll see glimmers of light, and other times I'll just have to wait.
Plus honestly, as long as I stop whining I can remember my blessings, and I'll survive just fine. Blessings, like my husband's above average company raise and bonus he just received.

Plus as Eve reminds us, we want sorrow, so we can know "...the joy of our redemption, and the eternal life which God giveth unto all the obedient. (Moses 5:11)" Want might be the wrong word but you know what I mean....

A Continuation

I have been thinking about this for days, and it will be choppy and incomplete. It is straight emotion, raw. Overall I hate the MBA program. I know my husband needs the degree, I know it will be good in the course of our life, and rather now than in 5 or 10 years, but that doesn't mean I can't dislike it currently. This is how I feel, thankfully my husband captured it on photo.
I don't like being a single mom all day and evening, I don't like being a single mom on the Saturday. I know, I should complain some people are actually single moms, and some people don't get to see their husband's come 10:30pm. But that is also what I don't like about the MBA, can I really complain? I know my situation isn't really bad, its just uncomfortable, and lonely.
I remember when I first got married my mom, saying once you have kids when you our husband isn't around you are more lonely. I didn't understand, now I do. I don't like that my husband is too tired to play in the snow my kids, I'm not suppose to be the outdoor parent. I don't like that either he has time/energy for the kids or me. I don't like that I never get a break from dishes, or from taking them to the store with me. I don't like homework, I don't like study groups, and I really don't like finals. I don't like midnight pages, luckily work has been nice, and its been a while since my husband has been up working in the middle of the night. Although he was working at 6 am the other day, when he got out of class the previous night at 10 pm.
I don't like that I have a primary meeting, that is bring your spouse to dinner, and babysitting for kids, and saying, two kids, no husband. I don't like being always in charge of baths, and bedtime, and books. I don't like getting them down, then going to do the dishes by myself.
But luckily even if study group is on Saturday, my husband makes me pancakes for breakfast. Life isn't bad, its just uncomfortable.
I wonder if I'll look back in 5 years with fondness for this time of life. I keep thinking how I look back at our undergrad with fondness. Life was super crazy, we never spent ANY money, all I did was homework. I barely had time to enjoy my baby, but yet I know I was enjoying things better than now. I think, I'm pretty sure... Then again my husband had more time, he was only working 15-20 hours of week, in addition to classes, not 40+. Plus he didn't do homework during his undergrad.
I hate when people say, an MBA isn't bad, its just two years, after its over, you wonder how it went by so quickly. Part of me wants it to go by quick so it can be done and over and we can get our dad back. But part of me wants it go super slow, my baby is already hardly a baby, I don't want her to grow up, I want her to be my bald baby. My son is already four. When we started school again, we had an 8 month old and a 3 and half year old. When my husband graduates we will have a 2 and half year old and 5 year old about to start school. Part of me wants to be finished, but part of me doesn't want to fast forward cute part of my childrens lives that will never come back. But I'm so busy and tired doing it all alone, I wonder how I will even ever remember any of it. Two years including summers is not just two years when you have little children. Luckily my husband got a new camera so he can take awesome pictures like this, even if I can't remember anything from this period because I'm so tired, at least I'll have these.



I'm sure I'll look back with fondness, but right now I can't imagine such. The other day I realized the great thing about being poor is you can see your tithing blessings. When you know you don't have enough money to get to the end of the semester and somehow there is always enough money for food, you know it is a blessing of tithing. When you know you don't have money, and your car breaks down and somehow the money just stretches you know you are blessed. Money is tight with tuition, but we are far from the poverty line, we aren't poor. Tithing doesn't hurt, fast offerings don't hurt anymore. Time hurts, other things hurt, will I one day look back with fondness? Or I will look just look back with relief that I'm not still there? I know there are blessings all around, in fact everyday we...
I don't know this all a big ramble, I'm posting it without editing it, because that is where I am right now...
Am I joyful? probably not... but I am trying, every moment I'm not angry, I'm much closer to joyful than the day before...
I'm terrible at not being a crazy mommy, but I am trying, and that will just have to be good enough.

The thing that I hate most about the MBA is it makes me tired, really tired, and when I'm really tired my husband's personality habits bother me. For the most part I have been perfectly fine with my husband not being a present person, this valentine's day it drove me up the wall (a post to follow). I don't like being annoyed at my husband for things I normally don't care about. I know we have the power to chose how we feel. But in this season of my life is much harder than most.

Joy

For the first time in my life I'm reading the scriptures not straight through a book but topical. My first topic of choice was Joy. I realized I needed to find more joy in my current role in life. I needed to enjoy my life. I needed to find "joy in the journey" as the phrases says. This is what I found, joy is not found very often in the scriptures, but when it is almost always in reference to eternal life. So this is what I realized, the only time we find true joy in this life, is when try to mimic eternity in our homes, and try to have a family worthy of eternal life. Am I succeeding? No, am I trying, yes.

Hive Free

Yesterday I remembered the REAL reason I started trying to fix my rage. After Christmas my elbows started being itchy, once I got home from our vacation my knees and then the tops of my feet got itchy too. Once it hit my knees I realized I had been getting hives on my elbows for the past two weeks. Hives are miserable and a sure sign for me that I have some emotional trauma, then I got serious about relaxing and de-stressing. I can still tell I have some work to do, but I haven't been itchy since I started my quest, plus it never spread to the rest of my legs, and for that I am grateful.

After Liz's rave review of the LDS church's internet savvy, I signed up for LDS Gems and Family Gems. I figured I need regular reminders of why I want to do the things I do.
Since its Sunday, here are some quotes that have bolstered my desire to stop being angry all the time, especially toward my family.

“The relationship between love and appropriate action is demonstrated repeatedly in the scriptures and is highlighted by the Savior’s instruction to His Apostles: ‘If ye love me, keep my commandments’ (John 14:15). Just as our love of and for the Lord is evidenced by walking ever in His ways (see Deuteronomy 19:9), so our love for spouse, parents, and children is reflected most powerfully in our thoughts, our words, and our deeds (see Mosiah 4:30).”

David A. Bednar, “More Diligent and Concerned at Home,” Ensign, Nov. 2009, 18

As I teenager I listened to quite a few Family Home Evening Lessons on "Itching Ears"-- The wicked take the truth to be hard. When I read that quote I felt like it was cutting to the very being of me. If my love for my family is reflected in my words and deeds I definitely had some work to do. (If you would like to know more about itching ears, email my dad, I'm sure he has a copy of those lessons he gave my brother and me.)

"When we truly understand what it means to love as Jesus Christ loves us, the confusion clears and our priorities align. Our walk as disciples of Christ becomes more joyful. Our lives take on new meaning. Our relationship with our Heavenly Father becomes more profound. Obedience becomes a joy rather than a burden."

Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "The Love of God," Ensign, Nov. 2009, 21

Speaking of Joy, that is what I'm reading about in my scripture study.

I really felt like Isaiah 29:19, gave me a reference on what to do in my life,

The meek also shall increase their joy in the Lord, and the poor among men shall rejoice in the Holy One of Israel.

I have a cut out from the manual in my scriptures from a sunday school class in high school, that reads, "A meek man is defined as one who is not easily provoked or irritated and forbearing under injury or annoyance... The meek man is the strong, the mighty, the man of complete self-mastery..." I know I won't be perfect anytime soon, but that is the perfection of motherhood of young children in my opinion, not easily provoked, irritated or annoyed. As I try to achieve this, I will find motherhood much more joyous.

Totally Working

As weird as it may sound, I've been working at replacing my negative emotions with more positive ones. Which is actually working quite well, because it validates the negative emotion, but doesn't keep it around. Saying I'm not mad does not work, because well I was mad. Anyway, as I was falling asleep I was working at relaxing and all that jazz. When I thought I can do it, I'm no longer paralyzed by the change of my son growing up. I can do what it takes to enroll him in preschool. Honestly the idea of preschool just was paralyzing me, but I knew it would be whats best for him and the whole family.
Today I woke up, started doing stuff. Started not really doing stuff. Thought am I going to figure out preschool? It was a real question, was I actually going to stop being paralyzed by my son getting older, or fall back into bad habits. I immediately went and got my phone, tried the number, it wouldn't dial. Checked the internet and found out the area code was different?! Wierd, I didn't even know such an area code existed in this state but google verified. Anyway, information is in the mail today for me.
Although anymore advice that people have would be great!

Journey

I debated on whether or not to type this on my blog. I am posting, because then I will have a record of my adventures as a crazy mommy. I was recently told I am very unsympathetic. Once said, I really how terrible I have been. I've started to fake it, I figure fake it till you make it right? Its been quite challenging for me to feel bad for my son when he jumps of the couch and starts to cry, I mean he isn't even suppose to be jumping on the couch. But I'm been working at pushing that out of my head, and giving them a hug instead, when my children get hurt I think, you'll get over it, in a very negative tone. But I would rather be a nurturing mother than an angry mother. And I don't want to be someone who is always yelling at their children, so on I am going with my journey. The other day, I was so proud of myself, my daughter closed her drawer on her fingers, and I actually felt bad for her. I genuinely wanted to pick her up and say, oh you'll be alright. Most of you think why wouldn't I feel bad that she hurt her fingers, because in my negative mind I think, oh I just have to pick up all the plates and cups she pulled out of the drawer. I'm continuing on my fake it until I make it plan because there is plenty of time I'm not feeling too sympathetic.
I have started to re-read, Feelings Buried Alive Never Die. Which is totally a kooky book, but it provides good reference for me to turn around my emotions. Some of the book, I disagree with, and skip over her pyscho babble, but other parts help me remember, that I really don't want to spend my day yelling at my son, telling him if you do that you'll get hurt and I won't feel bad. I don't really want to be the mom that says, you're doing it wrong. I normally just use the reference in the back, but I have started to re-read the book this time. But in the back reference, I found "angry.... forgive, love, peaceful, calm, merciful". Seriously I needed to read what were opposite emotions of anger, so I could work on being the opposite.
So here are my pyscho babble sentences.

• I chose to love my children. Even if they cy, they can be upset. I can be upset. But I still choose to love them.
• I choose to be peaceful, to set a tone of peace for the house. Even if everyone is "bored"/"having a hard day". I can invite peace.
• I can choose to be calm, even if I'm hungry, everyone else is hungry, and dinner is late. I can be calm, I can teach my child to be clam.
• I can be merciful, even if I knew such an activity would end in tears. I can be merciful. I can love my children no matter what they do. I can forgive them when they are disobedient.
• I can choose to allow my children to be upset/whiny/hurt. They are in control of their emotions, I can be in control of mine. I am their mother, I love them, but they can be upset, they are their own person. They have their own agency.
• I did not know all the responsibilities that would come with parenting. But I choose to be a mother, I can meet the obligations, I can choose to meet the challenges, without being angry.

Writing all those did help. I realized that I am not forced to be a mother, I am not forced to stay at home, I am not forced to be nice, no one is forcing me to cook dinner. I'm choose to spend my day with my kids, I'm the one that wants to be nice. And that was good enough realization to make me want to be nice.
That is is enough of a journey for one day. I'm not sure if I really want to publish, but yet I am. Part of me wants to say I'm not really as crazy as I sound, and part of me says, I am. I guess it depends on the day, the time, the hour, some days, some hours I'm crazy. Other times I'm just me. Overall I'll tell you I'm tired. I don't want to clean, I want to watch TV, or sleep. But I am cooking dinner every night, cleaning the kitchen, and doing the laundry. In fact I even clean up toys, and vacuum. Yesterday I even washed the sliding glass door, plus I've been organizing. I guess I've done a lot other than watch TV. I just don't want to clean the bathrooms. I even cleaned my laundry room/storage room. But please... don't make me do anything. I just want to sleep and watch tv.

Yoginis

I have done yoga three times this week, it has definitely helped my goal of not being a crazy mommy. Today I did it this morning while the kids were awake. My baby was slightly confused at what I was doing but then she got the hang of things. When she laid on her belly and lifted her head. She squealed to make sure I noticed that she too was doing cobra like her momma. Everyone was proud of her including her brother. She was so proud she rolled over, laid on her back, and laughed at herself for about 5 minutes. I guess that was final relaxation for her.
Children are natural yogis, and naturally do poses all day long but today was the first time that my daughter ever purposely did a pose for the sake of doing a pose. It was pretty funny and cute.
You may wonder how yoga and relaxation can coincide with my children running a noise making cash register toy, and pushing a doll stroller in circles around me (DI was good to my kids yesterday). But I figure that is the ultimate test, if I can relax around their happy chaos. Plus I'm not one for exercise, so I figure I have show a good example the few times a year I do actually exercise.

My one Goal

My goal this year is to stop being a crazy mommy.
I guess maybe my second one is to not start being a crazy wife. I feel like I have done a good job as a wife last year, but as a mommy I'm nutty.
My husband does not like broad vague goals like that, so here are the specifics on how I plan on solving it.

1. Eat breakfast early on in the morning, and eat lunch at noon, low blood sugar seems to be one of my largest causes of anger. No wonder I'm ornery when I only eat a piece of toast by 2 pm
   
2. Study my scriptures daily
3. Have background music on more often in the house. thank goodness for pandora, classic stations, folk instrumental stations, even teen pop, yes, I like that station. Even allow my child to listen to the annoying Primary CDs, even with their annoyances surprisingly they do improve the mood of the house.
   
4. Increase my budget, I honestly can not feed and clothe my child with the amount I set aside. I don't even buy name brand food, which means I feel like a failure when every two weeks I spend more than I planned.
   
5. Make sure I'm praying regularly
6. I'm made great strides in not comparing myself to other women in my parenting duties since August, but I need to continue on this path
7. Enjoy my children, laugh at them more
8. Not worry about the mundane things of life when my kids are clambering for attention, it is so much fun to stop chores and play than continue chores and hear whining
   
9. Cook my family dinners, whenever I'm actually cooking for my family my mood is much more relaxed
10. Continue detoxing my liver, I have some issues right now, which includes a liver that has hurt for the last two years. I carry anger and anxiety in my liver, I'm working at relaxing and detoxing it with out any radical diets
11. Exercise! I know exercising will help me relax and not hoard my anger
12. Stop yelling at my kids. I don't know what has happened when we moved to our 20s bunglow a year and half ago, I turned into crazy mommy and started yelling. I'm making progress now, I know and recognize when I'm doing it, that is step one. Now I need to stop mid sentence, then stop mid thought and eventually the yelling thoughts will stop
    
13. Not worry if my house is not clean
14. Reread What Happy People Know, and rewrite my life scripts -- I am totally fine about my husband doing is MBA, yeah I have no one to pick up slack around the house, but I am totally ok with that. I have almost started to enjoy the evenings I have with the kids. Plus my husband knows he doesn't have quantity time with them so he gives them a really quality hour. And its great to watch them play. I was actually quite pushy to get the MBA over and done with now, I feel like its our MBA. But yet when people ask what is up, I find myself complaining about being a single mother, with this voice in my head wondering why I'm complaining. I don't want to complain while he is at class, (well I did until I adjust to our new life). Anyway, I want to rewrite my life scripts so I can declare I am happy. Because I am, I'm not miserable.
15. Continue laughing at my daughters temper tantrums
16. Never ever feel guilty again that my husband enjoys cooking bread and I don't. (I won't accomplish never ever, but I like to shoot high)
17. Enjoy college life in our little (huge) apartment with our two babies, with our even numbers, two parents, two kids/two boys, two girls 2004,2006,2008. I think it might be a blessing that my husband and I have gotten to be poor college students with babies, twice now. (Even if we aren't poor this time) In a couple of decades these will be our favorite memories. Although I'm pretty sure I can't remember any of it now.
18. Vacuum Saturday night. I hate staring at a dirty carpet all sunday, wishing I could vacuum, but deciding, I have to wait for Monday, because vacuuming is work that can wait. Vacuuming right before Saturday night baths make me infinitely happier on Sundays.
    

Overall I'm extremely happy, I feel like I have perfect kids and a perfect husband, life has taken me down the exact opposite path as I planned but I love it. Sure I'm crazy mommy right now, and we have other struggles but I think that is why I am so happy. I can see the opposition. I appreciate every family moment we have together, because my husband is so busy. Home cooked meals are the ONLY thing that keeps us together right now, and my kids aren't even 4 yet. Plus I'm totally positive that my children behave better if I don't let them eat "kid meals" all the time, and make the eat "adult food" like salad, stir fry, bean soups, and hot cereal, at least twice a week.