Monday, June 29, 2015

The other thing

Once again postdated if you are reading this on a RSS feeder. If not you might not see it. 

The other thing that finally makes sense after going to see a doctor is my low blood pressure. Once again this shows our obsession with numbers and not looking at overall. Most of the time when I get my blood pressure measured the medical personal says wow, is it always this amazing? Some times I get no response at all, and once or twice I've had the nurse be very concerned with how low it is.
I told the dr or nurse maybe both that I often get light headed when I stand. So they took my lying down and then standing. So I guess I have postural hypotension.

I'm suppose to consume more water and salt. Most days I think it would be nearly impossible for me to drink MORE water. I already consume so much, but I have upped my salt intake. Its weird being raised in the 80s and 90s everyone was taught margarine and salt were the devil and it will kill you. My mother bought low-sodium EVERYTHING, I honestly don't have much of a taste for salt. Occasionally Brent will asked me if I salted the food (at dinnertime), oops I forgot again. I can eat a meal with no salt added at all. I don't even think anything of it. Until I found this out, I never salted my eggs. I eat eggs probably half the mornings for breakfast but until two months ago I never salted them. Because salt is bad right? Apparently you do need some salt in your diet.

Postscript dated 8/12/15
The other day my husband and I were out. I almost passed out in public. I never done that except when I'm pregnant. Yeah, I feel like I'm going to pass out all the time at home, but never in public. All of a sudden it made the low blood pressure seem really real.

Saturday, June 27, 2015


I meant to post this a while back. So the post is postdated.

A while back we watched Intersteller. I really enjoyed it, Brent more so that me. It was good and clean, but long and intense.

There was a quote that stood out to me, so I wrote it down, 
As an old physicist I'm not afraid of death, 
I'm afraid of time.

I thought about it for days. I'm not old or physicist, but I agree with that. I'm not afraid of death, but time yes. The passage of time, yes. The passage of time where my children grow up and make their own hard decisions, definitely yes. 

Tuesday, June 23, 2015


After turning 30 and having two babies in a less than two years, I had no muscle strength, no endurance and overall my body was gelatinous goo.

We went hiking a year ago and my 5 year old could hike faster than me. It was in a different part of the state and it below the altitude of our neighborhood so I couldn't blame it on oxygen. Overall my body just stopped being able to keep up. I didn't like it. Brent had both babies strapped to him, and would wait at each switch back for me, while the kids were long gone.

I spent a year getting in shape. That and my slip disc, I had to get in shape to get rid of that pesky problem, I'm glad to say I can't remember the last time I had problem with that.

But I'm not an exercise junky, I don't exercise because I love it. I exercise because I know what its like to not be able to walk ten house down the street. I exercise because I know what its like to have every step cause pain through my body. To avoid ever using the stairs because every step hurts. I exercise so that never happens again. (My pregnancy pain was not caused by a lack of exercise.)

So I now I exercise everyday, the year after postpartum depression is the easiest years for me to exercise. I'm not an exercise junky but I can definitely tell the difference between normal life and an endorphin high from exercise. A few months ago I stopped taking a nap/reading/watching tv during nap time. I started exercising while watching tv. Its a little something I've done to hold myself accountable, I don't watch tv during the daytime until I'm exercising or folding laundry. I don't quit my workout early because all the tv shows are 40 minutes and I wanted to watch the whole thing.

Still its hard to be motivated everyday. They say exercising with a buddy has better success. So I text my husband a lot through nap time to stay motivated. One of the reasons I exercise is to keep up with my husband. I will never be able to hike as fast as him, or anything similar but I don't want to be left on the couch because I can't try to keep up. Since one of my motivating factors is him, I feel like my daily texts are justified.

The other day I told him before work, I'm going to be hotter than you because I work out daily and you don't. That's the other reason I text him about my workouts in hopes it wears off on him. He too has felt the passage of time and now comes home from a hike/basketball game/cycling being sore. Yes, my husband has been blessed to rarely feel sore before he turned 33, but now he needs to keep up his health too.

That night as we were getting ready for bed, he clarified, did you tell me you would be hotter than me, because you work out? I replied, yes. He laughed, and said, you already are hotter than me.

So fast-forward to today. I texted saying, I'm so tired, I don't think I can work out today. He responded saying, well then I guess you won't be as hot as me. That is all it took, I got on my exercise bike, I did my hand weights, I did my core strengthening. My husband, was planning on taking the varsity scouts on a mountain bike ride tonight, I didn't want him to workout on a day I did not. I felt better after my workout like I usually do. Then I passed out on the couch at 3:30 for 5 minutes at a time while my daughter repeatedly asked me to play a card game. At 4:15 she finally got her wish.

Carpal Tunnel

Along with the blood work for hormones, I went to the doctor for my carpal tunnel. I ALWAYS get postpartum carpal tunnel. Some people don't think that is a real thing, but it is.

With my first child, my mother paid for super poor/broke me to have a couple of rounds of acupuncture to get rid of it, when he was a little over a year old, and been weaned for four months.

With my next two kids it went away after I weaned them.

This time, I think it got worse after I weaned him. I pretty much was in pain every day all day, before I went to see the doctor. I was planning to demand physical therapy.
I got x-rays and she sent me home with a treatment plan/exercise. I was suppose to take anti-inflammatories until I came back in. Wear a wrist brace and do exercises twice a day. When I started the exercises I couldn't complete a single one without crying my wrist hurt so bad.  And never once did I do them twice a day. But within two weeks, there was huge improvements. So the doctor didn't refer me to physical therapy. I assume it because I didn't ask. Maybe? I'm not sure why, I think I was more concerned with my blood work, and the garage sale Brent was doing without me. :/

I have a follow up in three months so I could ask then if I want.
I think the real reason it flared up so bad is because I have a big only partially walking baby. My first baby didn't walk until 14 months, and I had carpel tunnel for months after he weaned. My second baby was walking at 10 months and fully walking independent by her birthday. Plus she was my skinniest baby. My third baby walked at exactly a year, and HAD to become an independent walker quickly because I was pregnant, and knew I couldn't carry him and a new baby. I didn't want him to associate me not holding him with the new baby. Plus by the time I was 4 or 5 months along, every step I took was painful.
But baby #4, he is the BABY. He is my tubbiest, chunky baby. He can walk, he can run, he can climb a full sized playground. But he can't walk on my schedule, he refuses. He trips over everything when I try to lead him somewhere, and in a parking lot, its easier a lot easier to carry him, and only keep one toddler from walking in front of cars. Oh yes, Turbo has walked/run in front of multiple cars, no matter how tight I hold on to him. So I'm still carrying baby #4, all the time, and that is what is killing my wrist. But honestly, nothing is going to change until he is capable of holding my hand and walking. So I wear my wrist brace everywhere I go with my 16 month old, because if I do that, and sleep in it. I have barely any pain.

That and I've started exercising with hand weights. Its amazing the difference, if I get busy and miss more than a day I can totally feel it in my wrist.

Monday, June 22, 2015

Non-fiction Summer Reading

The other day a friend asked for a book recommendation, and I could come up with a fiction one. Then realized its because I've only been reading non-fiction. Not only non-fiction but only psychology and child development. Not everyone's cup of tea.

The Out-of-Sync Child Has Fun: Activities for Kids with Sensory Processing DisorderThe Out-of-Sync Child Has Fun: Activities for Kids with Sensory Processing Disorder by Carol Stock Kranowitz
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

This book was referred to me when it became painfully clear yet another one of my children has sensory processing disorder. I read the first book, and this is a good follow up. It is easier to read and scan. I don't always agree with Kranowitz opinions, but the book does have a lot of ideas. Some seemed painfully obvious to me, but then again I think my kids are a little more free play in the backyard then a lot of modern kids.
It was organized in a clear way, and had good some good suggestions. I'll definitely be trying some out.

View all my reviews

Why Gender Matters: What Parents and Teachers Need to Know about the Emerging Science of Sex DifferencesWhy Gender Matters: What Parents and Teachers Need to Know about the Emerging Science of Sex Differences by Leonard Sax
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

My friend recommended this book to me and it was beyond interesting to me. Four years later, it finally clicked why my oldest child who loves school, hated kindergarten. He loved preschool and loved first grade but not kindie. Why because he had a soft spoken teacher who wanted him to describe colors and read fiction and sit still. He does so good with loud teachers who allow him to stand at his desk instead of sit in a chair. But yet my daughter who always struggled in preschool thrived in kindergarten with a calm soft spoken teacher. (Those poor boys in her class.) On page 24, it said, "Girls draw nouns, boys draw verbs..." Oh golly, duh, never realized it but makes complete sense. I love hearing children describe their pictures before kindergarten, especially boys.
Since I just read a different book on neurology, I was surprised when he said males feel emotions in their amygdala while women experience it cerebral cortex. Which explains why my husband never wants to discuss his bad moods. Its hard to verbally express what is happening in the amygdala. Also I thought it was useful to hear the difference in how boys prefer to discuss books. Makes so many conversations with my husband or oldest son make so much more sense.
I also thought it was interesting when the book said, "Ironically, the result of her lack of awareness of gender differences is a reinforcement of traditional gender sterotypes." Accepting that males and females are different allow them to thrive beyond gender stereotypes.
Since I only have small children I loved the beginning of the book. The chapter on teenage sexuality was beyond depressing. I hate the sexual revolution because it seemed that instead of empowering females it has turned them into objects by males instead of liberating them.

I'm always pleased to be reminded as a parent "Your job is not to maximize your child's pleasure, but to broaden her horizons." 172

Lastly the book mentioned in 1999 the Colorado state school board approved a resolution advising teachers not to recommend or suggest psychotropic medications for any student because they are utilized for discipline. I thought now I know why I love Colorado. I don't have a problem with medication as long as it is needed, but I think its used too early when diet and exercise can change lots. Not to mention active children are normal not sick.

View all my reviews Mindsight: The New Science of Personal TransformationMindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation by Daniel J. Siegel
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I enjoyed this book it was a little dry at times but come on its a psychology book, that often explains brain neurology how could it not be dry. Understanding brain neurology is not my strong suit, but in the beginning of the book the author mentions people who study the brain for a living don't understand it so that made it easier to wade through this book.
It was a timely book to read for me. I feeling some residual anxiety left over from my postpartum depression last year so it helped me find the tools I needed to shake off that anxiety without a prescription from my MD. (I don't have a problem with prescription I just prefer to use other methods first.)

View all my reviews

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Bilirubin and Lycopene

I recently went to see a doctor for myself. I haven't done that much since I was a child. Sure I've seen plenty of OB/GYNs but overall health exams haven't happened much. Mostly because I go see a doctor and they say you seem to be in good health I don't know why you are here.
Before I got pregnant with my daughter I went to see a family practice doctor. We discussed my overall health. We discussed that I was concerned with my low weight. He asked how much I ate, he said well if that is true, then I think you are just suppose to be thin. Now looking back I think he was a dork for saying that, at the time I thought oh alright.

So now 7 years later, I went to go see a doctor. We discussed my concerns then she order lab work. Duh, why has no doctor ever order lab work unless I'm pregnant?

In my opinion, the most interesting thing the blood work told is I have elevated bilirubin levels. Not high enough to request more tests, unless I want them but still high enough that it was marked up special to be noticed. Since its not causing jaundice the doctor is unconcerned. But like I said other tests- she told me I could one day ask to be tested for Gilbert's syndrome, which is a condition that is not harmful, but causes high bilirubin, and since its not harmful it doesn't matter if you have a diagnoses. But I had previously mentioned to her that from time to time my liver feels achy. Now I know why. I always thought it was from stress or something. I don't know, what, that's what everything is blamed on is stress right? So then a few days later it was aching again, so I looked up how to lower bilirubin levels, it said eating red foods. Some red foods like tomatoes and watermelon, are rich in lycopene. Thanks to Brent we just happened to have a bowl of cut up watermelon in the fridge. So I ate a bunch then we had spaghetti the following night for dinner, tomato paste is high in lycopene. I haven't had a problem since. Not to say it won't be achy again, but I'm glad I know what to do to help it now. Also the internet says, sweets and sugars aggravate inflammation of the liver. Yeah... that's what the natural health providers keep telling me over the years. Don't they know that I love a good cookie without nuts of course, or cake or ice cream... I guess the positive thing is I don't drink alcohol.

The luckily thing about my blood work is all my hormone levels were normal! Wahoo, I can't tell you how exciting that was to hear. That is the reason I went in, to have my blood taken to see what was up with my body. Turns out nothing, I'm just detoxing from three years of baby growing hormones. The doctor told me don't expect to feel normal until its been 6 months since you weaned. Since it had been 4 months when I first saw her, and I was still feeling off. I believe her. Sadly. My iron, everything else other than vitamin D was good. Vitamin D isn't surprising considering my complaints.

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

A year ago

This picture is a year old. But I just found it, and its great because they look so much alike.

Monday, June 15, 2015

Bookcase Sale

We had a garage sale the other day. We had been preparing for about 6 months. I couldn't believe how much we had boxed up when it had come time to set up. We covered our front yard and driveway (we have a three car driveway). We also got rid of two 6 feet tall bookcase and more books then could fit on them.  Years ago when we were newlyweds we said we would never get rid of a book, because why would you? Then fast forward to last year, the only books we were reading we from the library, I had three bookcase crammed full of children's books that I never ever read to my kids because they were too full for anyone to get a book.
 Once we thinned our bookcases, my kids started using those books! Imagine that. We got rid of boxes and boxes of books. At first it was challenging, but now we are actually using the ones we have. Plus of course the library too. Pretty much my oldest only gets books on his birthday or Christmas, he read a chapter book in a few days, we would run out of space in our house, if we bought all his books.
The only tall bookcases we now have are in my oldest's room, and in the basement. I love love love it. I love my room with a short bookcase instead of a 6 foot one, and I love my daughter's room with a short bookcase. The upstairs feels so much more airy. Plus we took out the fake cherry bookcase from my son's room, and put in a real oak bookcase. I know, I know pinterest would tell you oak is so out. But I like the oak in his room, the cherry was too dark. Plus it was the fake partial board bookcase. Every since we bought I've hated it. Which is odd because we a different partial board bookcase that I've always liked. But the quality is definitely different.
Our house is so much more livable after our garage sale. But we both feel like we have a ways to go. I think in modern society you always have a ways to go, there is always another present given, another grocery store visit, another magazine in the mail. The outflow of stuff has to equal the inflow or the house gets taken over. When I'm pregnant I don't notice that there is no outflow, so the house gets so packed. And when you have an infant, they have so much stuff you forget what life is like without so much stuff everywhere.
But now, we have hardly any extra baby stuff. A high chair, a crib, two travel cribs, a few strollers. No baby toys, no baby gates, none of all that extra holding baby stuff ALL over the house! The benefit is our last baby has never liked baby toys so they were easy to get rid of.

I don't know

I have a blog post completely composed in my head. Yet, when I have a minute to sit down at the computer I have no idea what it is about.

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Grandma and Grandpa

Brent's parents spent the last year and half serving a mission for our church in Nashville Tennessee. For the most part they are the only senior couple I know who has served a mission, at least the only one I've talked to about their mission. (My parents have been anxiously engaged in other church assignments that have kept them from a senior mission.)

They served a mission previous to this one eight years ago, and I have to admit being around them after their missions makes me want to serve missions one day when my husband and I are grandparents.
On their first mission they missed the birth of 4 grandchildren, and I think the baptisms of two. This mission they missed the baptisms of those same 4 grandchildren, and the births of another four grandchildren. In case that wasn't specific enough they missed the birth of J, and his baptism 8 years later, and also the birth of Ike. Which means last week was the first time they met my youngest. I do not say all of this to complain, more to just state I'm sure a senior mission is not always easy for grandparents.

For about a year when its Turbo's turn to pray, he repeats after us. When we say please bless grandma and grandpa on their mission. He would say, Daddy, grandma and grandpa. I THINK he was saying, Daddy's grandma and grandpa. I mean sure they are his parents not grandparents, but I think that's what he is was saying, to differentiate between my parents.

So on their way home to Utah they came and visited us for 6 days. We all had a good time. All the kids enjoyed their grandparents. We went to the mining museum, the money museum, the toy store/candy store. We took them to the library and then took them grocery store. The kids and grandma had so much fun in the store.  Grandma pretty much bought everything they kids asked for, it was a dream come true. Cupcakes, pixie sticks, chocolate bars, strawberries, kiwis, cantaloupe  pineapple, lunchables, chocolate milk, Popsicles.

On their last night here Brent and I went to the temple together. You know we average every 6 months attending together, instead of tag teaming because of kids. We left right before dinner time. Grandma had grandpa go to McDonald's to get happy meals for the kids. Brent and I attended the temple together, then went out to dinner. It was such a nice evening out.

When we got home and everyone was in bed. I told Brent the house smells like your mom. Sugar, warm yeast, and fruit. He laughed, saying there are worst smells to be known by. She made cinnamon rolls with the kids after dinner.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015


My interest/faith/ everything else in Colombia was wavering. I thought maybe its not suppose to happen, maybe what was suppose to happen was to dream about it. Brent understands the business part of it better than me so he doesn't lose hope as easily, but still, I was wavering.

Then the other day we went out on some errands together without our kids. (grandma and grandpa are visiting.) On the car ride home Brent said some things about a long off future, about a slight possibility, about a maybe in our path one day idea. He/we use to talk about this a lot when we were younger but as mortgage, kids, schooling, scouting, bill paying, working, pregnancies, have pilled up, that vision has been distanced and faded. But he brought it up again, and it was a flash back to driving on 1-15 in Northern Utah farm country at night. I could see that possibility. I could see a lot little seemingless decisions we make in our life and how they could lead to that path.

I decided to not give up hope on Colombia.

Will it happen? Who knows?

Are we suppose to go down this path whether it happens or not? Yes

Eventually, I do not know when, but eventually Brent and I will finally live abroad. We have been planning and dream this since before my daughter was born. Each time the plans gets closer. One day.

This is not just a Brent and me plan. I wondered if I should date him, I wondered if I should marry him. I wanted to live abroad, how could I do that with a family?

Now I wonder how couldn't I do that with a family?

And now to finish off, I'll end with what I put on FB a few weeks ago,
Does the world call to you?
Everytime I hear of someone moving, see someone's pictures of them living abroad or traveling aboard, the pied piper's music gets louder in my ear. I need an adventure. 
Thankfully I married my husband. He loves adventure.

When Brent told his parents about this plan for Colombia. His dad asked what does Lesli think. I told him about my answer in the conference talk. My life has been guided with this question for months, "if you continue to live as you are living, will the blessings promised in your patriarchal blessing be fulfilled?” Its so hard, we live a good comfortable life. The kids go to an excellent school. We live an the epitome of a "happy valley" Our small town is Lake Wobegon without the lake. Literally.

I often wonder why, why do I feel drawn down this path? Sure I want to live abroad, but that is no reason for crazy.
I don't know why I feel so drawn. But yet I do, like I said the pied piper calls me.

Sunday, June 7, 2015

Moved on

A year ago we were visiting family and this cute young couple with one little toddler quietly slid in the back of the chapel. I've been acquainted with this couple on and off for years now.  As I saw them slide in I noticed our big fat mess.
That is what we had become.
No longer where we the cute young couple with the cute little baby or toddlers. No we were now the big fat messy family. With not only the baby, but also the toddler, and the older kids. The daughter with uncombed hair, because she was now old enough to get herself ready, and the boy dragging his feet and ripping paper all through church. (Where did that come from, and why was it so hard to break the habit of ripping paper ALL through church?)

No longer did I look like the cute young mom. Now, I looked like the exhausted mom, who has spent far to many years pregnant or up at night with an infant. The novelty had worn of for my family.

No longer did we stare at our toddler and think the sun set and rose on his cuteness. No, we were much too tired with the colicy infant for that vision. No longer we were having a playful fight on who was holding the child, because there were now more children than laps. And the cute toddler who we use to fight for his affection, doesn't want to be near our laps anyway.

I was so sad, what had happened to our life. It was so hard to come to terms in the idea that we might never have another baby. Sure I never want to birth another one. Nor did I want to go back to the pain of every walking step. (I hope to never have a disease with chronic pain, I already know what its like to be in pain every time I move or do not move.) I don't like breastfeeding, but really I'd never nurse another baby? I've dealt with enough newborns to last me another 15 years until I'm craving to be a grandma. But no more babies, I thought I would always be having babies. I didn't think they would ever grow up, even though everyone told me they would.

I struggled with that for a year.


I stopped.

Yesterday Brent and I went to the store by ourselves. Grandma and Grandpa were in town and we got a taste of our life in a year or two. When we can run a short errand by ourselves. Leaving the kids at home. We've been dreaming about this since my oldest was in 2nd grade. As we were parking, I saw this couple walking in the store, they had a toddler with them and a baby in a carseat.
I thought wahoo! That will never be us again. We will never be a couple with a toddler and baby again.

And just like that without noticing I realized I'd had stopped mourning the end of my infants.

I feel good.

As an afterward. Life is much more pleasant now that my baby is a year old. We again think the sun rises and sets with our two toddlers' cuteness. We don't actually say it but I'm sure we can't decided which one is cuter. We hugged them all day because we know one day they will stop being cute pudgy toddlers and instead will be long lean grade schoolers, while their older siblings will be teenagers! ah! heaven forbid. So yes, we are a big fat mess, we almost left our older toddler in the restaurant the other night. My husband's hair is finally thinning (he's thrilled, less to cut), and mine is getting some white strands in there. But its all good, because I'm sleeping though the night. And I can carry my toddler, and I can walk upstairs without chronic pain. Plus I really love love love my kids when they aren't infants and when they are in grade school. I love grade schoolers. I love not having dark circles under my eyes, even if I've found some laugh lines in the past year. And I love seeing myself in pictures where I'm smiling instead of looking like a hollow shell of a person.

Turns out I love not having a baby.

That is why number 3 was a hard choice to make. I knew I wanted more people in my family. But babies? After three years of pregnancy or nursing babies. My family is now filled with people I really love and like. Like- most of the time. Plus I adore my husband, which is the most important part in my opinion. I loved him three years ago, but thinking about all that he has supported and helped me with in the last year, has been so endearing. I had no control over it, but I shudder thinking about all I've put him through.

Colombia or Not

Did you hear, we got bored with our wait-list to Spain. We decided we wanted to move to Columbia. Colombia you ask?
Why Colombia?
Well they speak spanish.
They are in the same time zones as the US, a need for Brent's job.
They have fast internet in their cities, another requirement.
We keep reading Medellin is one of the best places to vacation with children.

So to know this decision you need the background. A month ago Brent came to me and said I think I need more education. I want to take some programming classes this fall. I said ok, and we talked about it for a few days, I suggested possible schools.

A week later he told me an old friend contacted him and asked him to apply for a job. I fairly ignored the process, my husband applying for a job is nothing new, or eventful. Headhunters love Brent. He talked more and more about it, normally I don't hear that much about applications. The night before his first interview, I asked, you're serious about this aren't you? He said of course. I said, well then I guess I should be praying for you, and this, and put my faith in action. He skeptically asked you haven't? I said honestly, you are always scheming, interviewing or planning. I wait until they are serious. He said, yes, I need your faith. So it was there, all I have, my heart was on the line for his/ our future. A few interviews in the process one day everything changed.  I spent a 18 hours confused by him. The morning after, I prayed for my husband, not for the job, I prayed to know what was up, and for patience because I was annoyed at him. A few hours later he came to me and said, lets move to Colombia. Are you ready?

For months he had been telling me this, and for months I said, not until Spain is off the table. Spain is not off the table. But I said probably maybe, lets see. All of a sudden it became clear the interview had not gone as planned, he had lost interest in this dream. (Days later he told me, the interview started going poorly and he realized this company was never going to let him move abroad.) He told me he wanted to ask his boss as soon as I was ready. I said well we need a babysitter I'm not moving abroad without going to the temple with you.

The following day was Sunday, at church I got this clear thought. What was the answer 5 and half months ago when you were in the temple? I told him, he could talk to his boss whenever he wanted. He did. In less then a week, we were planning how to put our house on the market. I said we weren't ready he said, we've been working on it for 6 months.

We cleaned our house like crazy, our neighbor who renting wants to buy in our neighborhood. We showed our house to him. Then HR came back and said they won't make a decision until the middle of July. Ask us again then.

HR is always such a buzz kill.

Its been up and down week. We were looking at rentals in Medellin. I was planning curriculum for home schooling for 6 months. We had developed all sorts of plans, so quickly everything was falling into to place so easy. We thought we would go. Never have the plans fallen into place so quickly and easily. Plus we had an eager buyer for our house.

Then HR.

Now we are ho humming. Its lame.
Brent still has hope.
Depending on the day, I'm not sure I do.

Last Saturday, I thought I should fast. It wasn't fast Sunday, but I felt like the guidance would help. It was a very meaningful Sunday. Brent and I had a lot of great discussions, he had a great lesson in Teachers Quorum, we read a conference talk, we discussed our patriarchal blessings. So I'll be honest when HR didn't make a decision, it made it hard to keep up cleaning my house or do my daily 10 minute spanish lesssons.

Giving up cleaning was ok. My children need an in-tune mother more than a clean house.

I'm not sure where we stand.
Whether we go or not, I have no doubt what the spirit has told me. I've had some very clear unmistakable impressions. That being said, its not until you look back you see the path all lined up. Right now, I'm standing in the darkness wondering where the voice is leading us.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015


I told y'all I was released from Relief Society secretary. Now I'm one of the wolf den leaders. Wolf as in cub scouts, its the 8 year old boys at cub scouts. A few weeks ago I was feeling excited.
Now I've been put in charge of volunteers for cub scout day camp, I'm feeling a little deflated.
I was just thinking, overall I love being a teacher. Overall I get really worn down at organizing people. The Lord seems to think I should be an organizer, I've spent a lot more time organizing church events in my adult religious life than teaching.
Overall I get it. I really do.
The other day I was in a meeting and someone said the Lord is more concerned with our progress than our comfort. Teaching is my comfort. Leading and organizing pushes me out of my comfort zone every calling, in a new way. In much the same way every time you finally get a muscle to stop hurting after a workout you find a new muscle that needs to exercised.