Children

I recently redoubled my efforts to read The Ensign.  I'm not doing wonderfully, but I am doing it some.  The other day while eating lunch, I started to read Elder Cook's article in the February Ensign, called The Doctrine of the Father.  In all honestly I had no interest in reading it, and stopped twice before the middle of the second page.  But I knew it was from an apostle so I was determined to read it.  Then as I literally forced myself to continue on in the article, everything changed and a weight lift off my shoulders.

In God’s revealed pattern for righteous families, the birth of a child is the result of a conscious and loving choice. It is the miraculous result of caring and deliberate actions taken by parents to participate with Heavenly Father in the sacred process of creating a mortal body for one of His spirit children... 

I loved that paragraph, I reread it multiple times, I read it to my husband when he got home.
With the families I live by and go to church with it is not uncommon to have 10 or so kids.  Since I've moved I've wondered what is wrong with me, I don't want ten children. I've never felt guilty or judged, I just kept wondering whats wrong with me?
During fall conference when Elder Anderson talked I got a clear impression that the love of the Lord is not based on the amount of children a woman has, whether zero or twenty the Lord's love is infinite and perfect for all.
But for some reason I struggle with this issue.
At various points I've felt judged that I have two children three years apart, and the youngest is already three, shouldn't I have just had my fourth if my oldest just turned 6?  But what I need to remember is each of my child is a loving conscious choice made with my Heavenly Father and husband. Its funny how judgmental the world is, when I had my son, people thought I was too young, now six years later people think I'm too slow.  I was obedient when he told me to have my son, why should I doubt is trust years later?  I asked him on a regular basis from the time my daughter 6 months old, and I got the clear and distinct answer many times, wait, enjoy what you have, enjoy this moment, love your husband. When I doubted more, I got a clear No, wait.
For some reason that paragraph set everything at ease for me.  Having children is not about keeping up with your neighbor or listen to other people's advice, its a matter of prayer with your spouse, and never a matter of the lady trying to pry into your life. Plus my own life also teaches me, sometimes adults want a child or children, but for reasons unknown that we can not understand the Lord says not yet, or not now, or not in this life. That actually was a really difficult for me to learn last fall, I really struggled with the knowing really good women who wanted a child, or more children, and yet life wasn't going that direction.  I don't understand why, but I do know with all certainty of my heart, that the Lord's love is not based on a quantitative number of offspring.

Do you think my blog is getting too personal these days?
I know my husband wishes there were more pictures of the kids, not that he cares about the personal posts, well he at least doesn't complain, but he likes there to be pictures of the kids for him to look up and show people.