Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Remembering N

An antidote first:
  A few weeks ago my son was pouting about something unchangeable.  I said remember you get what you get, and you don't throw a fit.  That phrase became magical after Miss K the Kindie teacher said it.  A few moments later I realized my three year had not repeated me, what she said did not rhyme.  I then realized she said, "You get what you want, or you throw a fit."
There has been plenty of times over the last month or so I'm amazed at my daughter's subtle ability to change words around and switch up the logic.  Apparently its my husband's family's past-time is not just learned but also genetic.
I'm not sure if its being pregnant, or what but my daughter has pushed me to the limit with her constant needs.  I felt like the average three major tantrums a day, often lasting over 20 minutes is excessive.  Her speech is not improving, and I'm sure it exasperates the tantrums.  We are now actively working at find some resources for her, because I don't think I can survive this and a new baby.  But as I say this, I feel ungrateful, her needs are so minimal compared to some many families/kids. She is a bright intelligent girl, who has no problem keeping up with children older than her.  Her teachers have complemented me on her being so good. Which sometimes makes me wonder if that is what makes her speech problems so challenging, seeing them hold her back.  Anyway, so the more I focused on her tantrums the less I saw the Miracle of Nan.
That has been my phrase for her for years.  Originally it was in reference to my ability to care for her during her colic, and her colic that wasn't actually colic because colic goes away, and hers continued through at least her second birthday.  A few times people who had witnessed her toddler colic asked me is she likes this all the time?  Yes.  How do you deal with it?  I would responded, I don't know its the Miracle of Nan, she drives me crazy, but the minute I pick her up I'm madly in love with my beautiful child. My Miracle of Nan has increased to many things but I realized I forgot to notice the miracle she is in my life.
And when I forgot to see her for who she truly is, I couldn't handle her constant cries/screams.  Often asking myself why me? But that isn't the purpose of life is it?  Asking why me?  Instead rising above and seeing the miracles in the ashes.  I guess the real frustrating thing is she is three, and I often have no idea what the cause the screaming is, how do I change what I don't know.  Often without anything J or I or her father can notice she starts crying uncontrollably, so upset about something, but who knows what.  Then she will cry for 10-20 minutes about who knows what, then for no apparent reason we seem to solve some mysterious problem.  Often though we wished she was only crying for 20 minutes, the other week she cried for over an hour because a band-aid had fallen off.  Yes, we replaced it, but she kept crying.
She is definitely a challenging child. Thankfully she spends at least 10% of her day being very sweet and loving.

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