Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Where I am

I was really annoyed at my blog, and dreading the thought of posting all those christmas pictures, I was already to go on sabbatical.  Then I started writing this really long, nonsensical post about how I am not a mommy blogger, I liked it back in 2007 better.  Yada Yada and I never posted it, but then I started writing lots of really long nonsensical pieces.  I feel like myself again, and so that is where I am currently.  Sure I'll post pictures of my kids, but I'm never very happy when I have a mommy blog, this blog was never suppose to be that, and in fact for over a year I barely ever mentioned my child thinking he didn't belong on the blog.  Well now I'm a little more middle ground, but still this blog is about me, my journey living hapilly ever after, with my husband and kids not a paparazzi chronicle of my children.
This all being said a few weeks ago, I realized I am more content with myself then I have been in years, since high school really.  That sounds odd huh?  most people aren't content with themselves in high school.  I was, middle school was a bad patch for me, I wasn't very nice, and a lot of other things we don't really need to hash out.  Once I started high school, I realized there was no point in being a mean girl, and I did what I did and didn't care what anyone thought.  I was full of self confidence, I had plenty of friends, but refused to play the popular games, and had no problem sitting at home on a friday night.  I was full of self-confidence in high school, college pretty much killed me off though.  I was great in classes, I felt confident with my study habits, my grads, the opinions I shared in my classes, the response my professors gave me but take me out of the classroom, and the social atmosphere at school almost killed me off, the super dark, dreary, LONG winters didn't help.  I am prone to seasonal affective disorder.
But over the years I've been trying to get back to who I was.  The person Brent fell in love with, he met me as an overconfident 18 year old, it was a gradual process of small town college life killing me slowly from the inside.  Finally I realized I am back.
I've been trying to remember for years life is not a zero-sum game.  Just because some is talent, beautiful, smart, funny etc doesn't mean I am an ugly stupid loser.  Lately I realized I've achieved my knowledge that life is not a zero sum game.
Some women are better at caring for smaller children than me.  Who cares!  Not me anymore, I am who I am, I try my best, my children love me, my grandma thinks I'm cool, as does my mother, and the Lord gave me my children so he must have some level of trust for me.  My children are pretty amazing people/challenging people so the Lord wouldn't have just given them to any mother.
Sure some people sew better than I do.  Who cares, I enjoy it. Never did actually care about this.
Sure some people look different then me, apparently my husband thinks I'm hot.
Sure some people are shorter than me.  Oh well, I dominate with my height.
Sure some people have amazing careers.  But I don't want to miss my kids being little.
Sure some people's household incomes are more than ours, but also there are lots who have less.
Sure some people have bigger houses than ours or nicer.  But life isn't about them, its about me being content. Not to mention if I broaden my scope, I have a mansion in comparison to 90% of the world.
List all this stuff, because in the past it would have bothered me, but honestly I can tell you non of it does now. I don't know if I just need more sunlight in my life or what.
I can honestly say, it has never been regularly sunny when I've fallen into depression.
Anyway, this is the reason my blog has returned to me.  I've stopped worrying what people think.  I stopped worrying who was reading my blog, and so now its back to me. We'll see how long my self confidence will last.
On a side note, I never once worried that someone had a better husband or marriage than me, or even wedding.  I've always known my marriage is the best, and I have the best husband. Then again life is not a zero sum game, so I always hope and pray that everyone feel like that with their spouse.  Life is too short to not enjoy your marriage, and wait on baited breath for the next moment you get to spend with your spouse. As a teenager I never wanted to grow up and get married, so at 20 when I decided to get married, I knew it was going to be the best thing ever, I wasn't going to settle for sub-par.


  1. Yeah...I got in a fight with someone about something I posted on my blog last year, & it's been hard to open up AT ALL on there since, mostly because I'm petty & think they don't deserve to know anything about me anymore. I miss my old non-mommy blog though, especially when I wrote when I lived in OH.

  2. You go Lesli! I liked your post about child birth too and think that you are so right. If it works for you and it does then keep doing it! You have beautiful children and you are a great mom! I love reading your blog because you are so open and honest about things and that takes guts to write about it despite all the people that might criticize or not get you. You don't need to worry about them you can just be yourself!