What you like to know what inspired the last blog post on motherhood, other than the holiday? This has been consuming my thoughts and keeping me up at night, but I haven't wanted to offend anyone so I haven't blogged about, but I've decided to push my thoughts into the blogosphere in hopes of sleeping again.
For months I've been thinking about a comment my friend made about wanting to have another child. She of course is not the only friend I know who wants a baby but isn't having a baby for various reasons. I think about how great these women are. I know the gospel answer of why things don't happen the way we want or plan, but yet, that doesn't answer questions does it? It just tells us to put our faith in God and know in the eternities everything will work out, and everything will work out for our benefit. But its hard to trust that pain works out for our benefit isn't it? Of course thinking about this, puts me to shame, wondering why someone people want babies, while I am one who doesn't. What is wrong with me, is the question that is shoved in my brain by someone is definitely not my Eternal Father. Wondering why we are able to have kids, but yet don't have a ton, while others want a ton and don't get lots. Should things be the other way around?
Sometimes just as puzzling as thinking about why good people have a hard time having children, is wondering why I've felt inspired that I do not need to have another child yet. That I need to trust in timing and be patient. Thank goodness, I know women how have also had this happen to them, or I might wonder even more what is wrong with me.
Now this might be confusing, I don't want a baby, but yet, sometimes it seems like everyone around me are having babies. Shouldn't I be having a baby, wanting a baby, planning for a baby? And when I get really anxious about my lack of interest in increasing my posterity, that is when the inspiration comes to stop stressing. My husband is calm, he doesn't need inspiration telling him right now does not make sense.
I've thought of a lot of things, one of which is why, is so hard for some people to have babies, while someone like me its not, why am I not having one. Which is where part of the other blog post came in, there is a lot that encompasses having a baby, and being a mother. And that is when I realized what is easy for some might not be easy for others. And in sometimes having babies is really not easy at all for me. Even beyond emotionally, have you seen me, there is not much room for my babies to fit through. I was not born with birthing hips. My brother told me one of his biology professors told his class, the phrase birthing hips is so ridiculous you can't tell the size of someone's bones from the outside. I said, Daniel, you can tell with my skin on, that I do not have birthing hips. He said ok, yeah I guess your right.
I've also being thinking about a friend I once had, who was on dialysis her entire first pregnancy, and she firmly believed the only reason she wasn't during her second was because she was watching her sister's son every day while she was in nursing school, and who would have cared for the kids if she was as sick as she was the first time. But said she knew she was done having her own babies, because it effected her health so badly, but one day she couldn't wait to adopt and knew she had children who would be one day waiting for her to be her mother. I was impressed with her faith. She was inspiration. As are every woman who tells me they are no good at getting children. But I'm grateful for my move, for some reason its easier to have the faith and patience I require now that we are here.
As I re-read what I wrote, I thought that is one of the reasons I love the prophet's wife. I know very little about her, I probably wouldn't even be able to pick out her picture if President Monson wasn't in it. But she inspires me because she pretty much raised her children alone, and it wasn't because her husband was a deadbeat, it was the exact opposite. Don't believe me, read the last two paragraphs of Elder Holland's talk.
So I'm sure I will never understand in this lifetime why some have big families and others have small, and why some get to chose and others have to learn to accept. But luckily for everyone there are examples of great faithful families that are large and great faithful families that are small.
P.S. Life is weird this has consumed my brain for months, since at least the beginning of the year, than we move into a ward with a TON of families that have adopted. Just like its not uncommon to have 10 children born to parents in this ward, its not uncommon to hear someone talks about the miracle it was to adopt their children.