Today I bore my testimony, it was embarrassing, I didn't want to get up. Ok, it wasn't embarrassing, but who wants to get up during Fast meeting. I didn't plan on it, my heart started pounding so I walked up there with absolutely no planning. While up there, something popped into my mind. The mission president for our area spoke at our last two stake conferences. I feel honored, because our mission president a seems pretty awesome, and is a great speaker. Both times he said, "you don't feel like you can find someone to teach, great the Lord loves people who can don't feel up to the task, its not your work, its his, the more humble you are the better." Then he follows up with, "you do think your good enough for the work, well he can work with you too." I love that thought, because whether its missionary work or any other church service, is it the same, I don't feel old enough, smart enough, spiritual enough, whatever for the task that lay ahead. Even other task that aren't directly related to church service, like a moving for a job, having a baby, anything, pretty much every thing in my life I feel like I'm not able. But yet that's the time our live turns out so great right? When we have the opportunity to humbly kneel and say, "Lord, I can't do it, I need you to qualify me for the task." And that is when we are carried and know without a doubt that our Redeemer lives (that was the closing hymn).
The year is half over, which is means, we only have a few more months before we decided what we want to do when my husband graduates. Do we want to purse a MIS afterward, immediately, or a year later, do we want a new job, do we want to move to another state? If we want to do a MIS, then we have to find some schools, apply this fall. This fall, that is way too soon to think about my future. Its overwhelming. I haven't particularly loved the MBA, but at the same time I don't want it to be over, because I don't like time passing. Which all the makes me think about my future/my family's future 5 years, 10 year, 15 year, 20 years. What do we want to do in life, where do we want live in the next two decades, what are we expecting? Which is also overwhelming, when contemplating life choices, like other members of my faith, I often look at my patriarchal blessing. I read it, and think I can't accomplish that, that's in store for me, are you sure Lord? that's a lot to ask of me. I'm pretty sure I'm not up to the task. Which is where the mission president's message comes in. I'm not up to the tasks of the next couple of decades, but I'm pretty sure the Lord is thinking, that's ok we can work on that.
Although I'm pretty sure nothing could be more overwhelming than being called to Activity days (out side of Sunday church activities for girls 8-11 years old) the first time, and the first six months in the role. Check back with me in forty years.
I never thought I would but I love being in Primary I never want to leave, I want to stay in until my last child turns 12. My husband helped me in Primary today because my team teacher wasn't there. I like my team teacher, but I think it would be so fun to serve in primary with my husband, he said you don't want me in I'm not good with kids that age. (Plus he sings the songs!, its so great for the kids to see a Priesthood holder singing primary songs. My boys in class loved having a man in class.) I said you get the call, you get set apart, and then it comes out. I said, have you ever seen me been like that with kids before? Do I talk to your nieces and nephews like that? He said, I guess that's true, that is a side of you I've never seen before. Apparently I've channeled my inner primary voice, and I'm loving it. I love junior (3-7 year olds) primary. Which now that I type this it gives me hope for the future, apparently the Lord will qualify me for my future endeavors. He has in the past, I felt ill prepared for Activity Days, and each time I left the girls acted like it was the end of the world, as did their parents.