Monday, June 21, 2010

A Follow Up to the Last Post

A few months ago I didn't think I could last through the whole MBA program.
Then as I was reading the scriptures or praying or something, I remembered a student ward bishop I had who always said "nothing changes if nothing changes" (he meant it in application towards sin, ie we aren't going to stop sinning unless we change something), but yet still applicable. Nothing changes if nothing changes, well the MBA program will not change. It is going to be the same thing until my husband graduates in a year and a few months. This phrase kept popping into my head for many days until I was in the temple. In which case I realized it is fine I'll survived. It will always be hard, but that doesn't mean I won't survive. Nothing is going to change so nothing will change. I can handle this. All of sudden admitting that the MBA sucked changed everything. It was much easier to endure. I didn't have to be a victim because I was accepting what I was doing.
Then the amazing thing happened. Things changed. My husband entered into a new group of classes. He had free time, his classes got over sooner. He was around. I didn't know what to do. He kept coming home one minute before my son was put into his bed. Literally one minute. Guess what happened to that one minute it turned into 15, because then my husband played with my son.
Then I got annoyed my schedule got disrupted. I should be overjoyed my husband was at home. But instead I was annoyed I had to do the dishes, bath the kids alone, and put them bed alone for him then to disrupt the only hour I have alone. Yeah stupid I know.
But then I realized something else.
I had been secretly worried, I doubted my husband's schedule will change but never really free up. What was I going to do if I could survive the Master's Degree #1? But it turns out, I will I'll survive it all. I am surviving it all. It was liberating to admit life sucked. But true be known, life didn't suck just our schedule.
With all this being said I have to say, we are really lucky with our blessing/curse. Brent works at home a lot. Like most of the week, which is fantastic, I rarely take two kids to the store, if daddy is working at home baby can sleep in the next room over, or if daddy is working at home the big boy can play at home. That truly is a great blessing with him gone all the evenings, but its also a curse, its hard to be quiet during conference calls, its hard not to have anywhere to take a breather from my kids (grocery shopping doesn't count as a breather), its hard not to have two bedrooms at naptime. But for the most part its a blessing, especially when I see the door open and I see a little blondie sitting on her daddy's lap completely still except for the sucking of her thumb as her dad reads linux logs (or something like that).

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