Journey

I debated on whether or not to type this on my blog. I am posting, because then I will have a record of my adventures as a crazy mommy. I was recently told I am very unsympathetic. Once said, I really how terrible I have been. I've started to fake it, I figure fake it till you make it right? Its been quite challenging for me to feel bad for my son when he jumps of the couch and starts to cry, I mean he isn't even suppose to be jumping on the couch. But I'm been working at pushing that out of my head, and giving them a hug instead, when my children get hurt I think, you'll get over it, in a very negative tone. But I would rather be a nurturing mother than an angry mother. And I don't want to be someone who is always yelling at their children, so on I am going with my journey. The other day, I was so proud of myself, my daughter closed her drawer on her fingers, and I actually felt bad for her. I genuinely wanted to pick her up and say, oh you'll be alright. Most of you think why wouldn't I feel bad that she hurt her fingers, because in my negative mind I think, oh I just have to pick up all the plates and cups she pulled out of the drawer. I'm continuing on my fake it until I make it plan because there is plenty of time I'm not feeling too sympathetic.
I have started to re-read, Feelings Buried Alive Never Die. Which is totally a kooky book, but it provides good reference for me to turn around my emotions. Some of the book, I disagree with, and skip over her pyscho babble, but other parts help me remember, that I really don't want to spend my day yelling at my son, telling him if you do that you'll get hurt and I won't feel bad. I don't really want to be the mom that says, you're doing it wrong. I normally just use the reference in the back, but I have started to re-read the book this time. But in the back reference, I found "angry.... forgive, love, peaceful, calm, merciful". Seriously I needed to read what were opposite emotions of anger, so I could work on being the opposite.
So here are my pyscho babble sentences.

• I chose to love my children. Even if they cy, they can be upset. I can be upset. But I still choose to love them.
• I choose to be peaceful, to set a tone of peace for the house. Even if everyone is "bored"/"having a hard day". I can invite peace.
• I can choose to be calm, even if I'm hungry, everyone else is hungry, and dinner is late. I can be calm, I can teach my child to be clam.
• I can be merciful, even if I knew such an activity would end in tears. I can be merciful. I can love my children no matter what they do. I can forgive them when they are disobedient.
• I can choose to allow my children to be upset/whiny/hurt. They are in control of their emotions, I can be in control of mine. I am their mother, I love them, but they can be upset, they are their own person. They have their own agency.
• I did not know all the responsibilities that would come with parenting. But I choose to be a mother, I can meet the obligations, I can choose to meet the challenges, without being angry.

Writing all those did help. I realized that I am not forced to be a mother, I am not forced to stay at home, I am not forced to be nice, no one is forcing me to cook dinner. I'm choose to spend my day with my kids, I'm the one that wants to be nice. And that was good enough realization to make me want to be nice.
That is is enough of a journey for one day. I'm not sure if I really want to publish, but yet I am. Part of me wants to say I'm not really as crazy as I sound, and part of me says, I am. I guess it depends on the day, the time, the hour, some days, some hours I'm crazy. Other times I'm just me. Overall I'll tell you I'm tired. I don't want to clean, I want to watch TV, or sleep. But I am cooking dinner every night, cleaning the kitchen, and doing the laundry. In fact I even clean up toys, and vacuum. Yesterday I even washed the sliding glass door, plus I've been organizing. I guess I've done a lot other than watch TV. I just don't want to clean the bathrooms. I even cleaned my laundry room/storage room. But please... don't make me do anything. I just want to sleep and watch tv.