I have started to re-read, Feelings Buried Alive Never Die. Which is totally a kooky book, but it provides good reference for me to turn around my emotions. Some of the book, I disagree with, and skip over her pyscho babble, but other parts help me remember, that I really don't want to spend my day yelling at my son, telling him if you do that you'll get hurt and I won't feel bad. I don't really want to be the mom that says, you're doing it wrong. I normally just use the reference in the back, but I have started to re-read the book this time. But in the back reference, I found "angry.... forgive, love, peaceful, calm, merciful". Seriously I needed to read what were opposite emotions of anger, so I could work on being the opposite.
So here are my pyscho babble sentences.
- I chose to love my children. Even if they cy, they can be upset. I can be upset. But I still choose to love them.
- I choose to be peaceful, to set a tone of peace for the house. Even if everyone is "bored"/"having a hard day". I can invite peace.
- I can choose to be calm, even if I'm hungry, everyone else is hungry, and dinner is late. I can be calm, I can teach my child to be clam.
- I can be merciful, even if I knew such an activity would end in tears. I can be merciful. I can love my children no matter what they do. I can forgive them when they are disobedient.
- I can choose to allow my children to be upset/whiny/hurt. They are in control of their emotions, I can be in control of mine. I am their mother, I love them, but they can be upset, they are their own person. They have their own agency.
- I did not know all the responsibilities that would come with parenting. But I choose to be a mother, I can meet the obligations, I can choose to meet the challenges, without being angry.
That is is enough of a journey for one day. I'm not sure if I really want to publish, but yet I am. Part of me wants to say I'm not really as crazy as I sound, and part of me says, I am. I guess it depends on the day, the time, the hour, some days, some hours I'm crazy. Other times I'm just me. Overall I'll tell you I'm tired. I don't want to clean, I want to watch TV, or sleep. But I am cooking dinner every night, cleaning the kitchen, and doing the laundry. In fact I even clean up toys, and vacuum. Yesterday I even washed the sliding glass door, plus I've been organizing. I guess I've done a lot other than watch TV. I just don't want to clean the bathrooms. I even cleaned my laundry room/storage room. But please... don't make me do anything. I just want to sleep and watch tv.