Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Fiery Serpents

I didn't mean to sound as bitter as this did, so I editted. Its my blog and I can do what I want. I'm really not bitter, I just really enjoy the PMBA program, really how many nights do I really have to put my kids to bed by myself?! I know I have no reason to complain we do actually get to see my husband.
I think my favorite biblical story is the fiery serpents. I find the story so intriguing like an underwater road tunnel. I'm not quite sure why Numbers 21 might be my favorite but I've always been intrigued since I learned about it in Freshman Seminary. I mean it is so easy look and live, do I miss the so easy parts of my religion?
Last night as I was reading it I saw some surprising parallels to my own life.
First off a little background, ever since spring break my husband and I have been making plans to move out west (yes we already are west, but as far west as land will take us) upon graduation. I have thought that is where our life path should go for a few years upon graduation even before we started school. It wasn't until this trip that my husband saw the light. Well that would be a little over a year from now so we are scouting out on the internet. Looking at possible locations. Part of me is enjoying the dreaming, part of me doubts. So on to my study last night.
"5 And the people spake against God, and against Moses, Wherefore have ye brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? for there is no bread, neither is there any water; and our soul loatheth this light bread. " That is totally how I feel sometimes, you make me grow up, to move from crappy rental to crappy rental, and go to school AGAIN. (My no bread, no water, boring bread/rental) I almost can't actually let myself ever hope we could have something different. (Nor do I really think the Lord MADE me moved from each rental.) Overall I'm just bored with the PMBA program the sacrifice stopped being fun like before it started.
So really that is were the parallels stop, but I have spent a lot of introspection wondering, am I the type of Israelites that just has to wander around for 40 years until I die, because I complain so much and lack faith. Or will I one day get a land flowing with milk and honey? I guess it all depends on me, I am the one with agency.
Clearly there is a difference between the Israelities complain about their lack of water, or only manna and the brother of Jared asking the Lord, "... wilt thou suffer that we shall cross this great water in darkness?(Ether 2:22)". I just don't know if I can tell the difference, especially in my own life. I don't know if I understand even 2% of the Old Testament, its way out there in terms of my comprehension. Thank goodness I was taught bible stories so I can at least sometimes understand the background. I hope this isn't blasphemy, but Jehovah seems REALLY harsh in the old Testament, but last night as I was reading, I thought about the brother of Jared, based on my religious doctrine is he before Moses time, so maybe Jehovah isn't really as harsh as the Old Testament makes him sound, maybe the Isrealities were really that annoying.
The whole point is, "8 And the Lord said unto Moses, Make thee a fiery serpent, and set it upon a pole: and it shall come to pass, that every one that is bitten, when he looketh upon it, shall live. 9 And Moses made a serpent of brass, and put it upon a pole, and it came to pass, that if a serpent had bitten any man, when he beheld the serpent of brass, he lived. " Do I look and live, will I one day get past crappy rental after crappy rental, or will I just be wandering until the end of my life? I'm not looking for that "I've arrived" moment in life, but at this point I can't comprehend ever getting to leave this state and hitting another stage in life. I can't comprehend wanting to live somewhere more than a year. Brent and I have definitely been Nomadic. This past move I told Brent we are staying for two years, (something we have never done). We aren't even done with one year and I'm bored, I'm ready for something else, I'm ready to be done with the MBA. But we aren't moving, there would be no point. But that's what I really can't believe that my husband and I could stay put and feel content, even after the MBA is over.
For the record, I don't think I ever willfully disobey, I think I'm sure I just forget to "look". I'm not willfully complaining, I just forget maybe I should say, "wilt thou suffer" instead of complaining. Plus I'm also seeing the enjoyment of this period of life, I just sometimes once again forget. My kids are fun, I like my husband, I just don't really like his schedule.

1 comment:

  1. To your point about getting restless in one place...

    I feel similar, but for me it's because of the ward situation. I find myself wanting to switch wards, not necessarily homes/neighborhoods/friends/etc. I often worry about buying a house, because then you're stuck in a ward for a LONG time. I prefer a new ward every few years. It's nice to start over fresh.