Quarter Centurion

On Saturday I hit that big quarter centurion milestone. It use to seem so old, but now since most of the people I know are older than that, it seems rather young. According to my life plan at 10, I wasn't going to get married until was at least 25 and graduated from college, I had more important things to do. Apparently life showed me up, my important things were a husband, two children, all before the college degree. (What those things were inbetween 22-25 were undetermined at that time.)

I was going nutty about a month ago, I felt too young for children at my kids' ages. I thought it was one thing to have a baby at 21, but not ok to have a 10 year old at 31. I felt pathetic for no longer playing the violin or piano, and wonder what was wrong with myself for being able to stay at home all day with my children, thought my children were going to die from their carseats, and felt like we would never get all our stuff to fit in our apartment.
Then like I said after talking to my sister in law, I got some perspective. I don't want to be a violin, or a piano teacher, I don't want to go to Hair school, I don't want to be a school teacher, or a tutor, I don't want to be a dental hygienist. I'm glad I have my degree in polsci and I full intend to do something with it, other than debate with my brother in laws. What I want to do now is enjoy my children, and take care of them, while my husband is very busy with full time work and school. My carseats are safe, the National Highway Safety Department said so, even if someone long ago told me it was "cheap". I'm ok with not baking my family bread everyday, I'm ok, with my children drinking milk and eating wheat and meat.
I even got a new haircut. During which my talented hair stylist, named Teresa, found my first gray hair. Which honest I could careless. My husband told me it wasn't my first and I have tons-- I never can tell if he is serious or joking. My son's speech is sweeter now, and my daughter is cuter. I needed a vacation. For me there is something about driving in Texas that grounds me to my life. I think I'm starting to get pre-laugh lines around my mouth when I smile, but I'm ok with that too. I always was in awe of adults with laugh lines as a child, for whatever reason. I'm almost positive I have more creases around my smile than I use to.

Although in a way I'm grateful for going nutty, it made me appreciate my husband more. I can't really tell you why, but its true none the less. Its kind of how I can't explain the love I have for him or my children. I can just tell you that I think my husband is really cute, and even if I was too young to get married, I'm glad he came into my life and that I married him. I also know I need my son in my life when I did, and was not ready for my daughter a day before she was born. Even though now I have a hard time believing she wasn't always apart of the family. We might never "fit" all our stuff in apartment, and I might never think it looks cute, but at least I have a huge stack of laptops in my bedroom.

Here is my real fear in life, everyone tells me it is so much easier to birth babies during the 20s than in the 30s. But yet, I don't want to be really old because I had all my babies young and I'm just old. You are as old as your children are. How I am I suppose to not be overly old, but still birth babies? I can barely birth them in my 20s, how will I do it in my 30s? And now that I've told the whole internet my biggest nonsensical fear, I can move on in life and enjoy my birthday. (Even though pitocin is painful, thank goodness.)
Last night I told my husband my other biggest fear in life is he will forget my birthday, normally I remind him everyday for 26 days, this year I was gone for most of that, so you will see how my fear is exacerbated. He responded his fear is that I will never let him forget mine. I'm not really sure what that means. But I reminded him that he told be before my 21st birthday that my birthday was his favorite day of the year.