Monday, February 2, 2015

Fast Sunday Miracle

First off, I'm not done nursing my baby but my 8 year old is trying to learn to fast so I've fasted with him the last two months since we have 9 am church. Yesterday I didn't know if I was going to fast, I didn't really feel that good on Saturday, and I didn't know if it would be the best for me. But I wanted to fast, in the past fasting has always brought me such peace and solace. I've really missed it these last three years of growing babies back to back. So on Saturday evening, I ate a late dinner of a turkey sandwich to fill up on lean protein and went to bed on two glasses of water. (Clearly I'm not going for 24 hour fast.)
I woke up wondering what would be the best, as I got ready I decided I wanted to prove to myself that I could. I wanted to give my spirit control and tell my earthly body you are not the boss of me. It was a wonderful Fast Sunday. I listened to a great lesson about how we talk to those around us and whether we are uplifting them or not. I thought about how so many people are concerned we aren't encouraging girls to fulfill their dreams enough. I keep wondering really this is still a thing? I thought more women got college degrees than men these days? Then I thought maybe I just had an above average childhood. My whole life I was taught I am beautiful, smart, amazing and can achieve anything I want to. For many years I heard my sister was going to be a mathematician. There was no gender inequality in my house. But lets be frank, I was a gangling, dyslexic, not athletically inclined child, the voice in my head could be saying drastically different things. It made me wonder what am I teaching my children's internal monologue to say? Hopefully I am training their brains to say they are amazing, smart, talented, driven, helpful people. Every day I look my daughter in the eyes and tell her she is beautiful. I know I said the other day who cares about beauty I want people to think I'm smart, but I do realize that as a female if you don't feel beautiful most women are going to struggle at feeling like they can achieve anything they want. I came home thinking I can be a better mom, a nicer mom, a more patient mom.
My husband had a meeting after church, so he helped me load them in the mini van, and off we drove without him. Which meant I had to get four kids settled after church by myself. We are all varying degrees of introverts so detoxing from the sociality of church can sometimes be a struggle for them-- for all us of.
I got them settled, put the baby to sleep, and went to break my fast. When I got down to kneel for my prayer I was too tired to kneel. So instead I crawled in bed to relax my back. That is where my husband found me. Eventually  my back spasms seemed to relax and so I knelt down to pray. I went to go eat, I needed to eat to produce my baby's calories. But that's when the miracle happened. I was on the floor with my children, taking turns one by one, asking them what they were good at. Sometimes they say things like my hair is ____, in which case we explain the difference between a skill and a trait. I love that they love their eye color but its hard to build a self-esteem on appearance. After Brent changed his clothes he followed me downstairs, he sat on the couch watching us. All of sudden I looked up and said, do you realize what is happening? He said yes. I knew before I did.
I have not had any patience for any of my kids after church beyond 10 minutes to put them down for a nap in many many months, if not longer, a year maybe more. Most Sundays goes like this, please don't talk to mom, you may have one hug then I need you to go play. (This is not a Sunday exclusive thing, I have no had patience with my children in about, oh 10 months.)
I spent at least an hour with my children, enjoying them, helping them, and then I took a nap.
Nonetheless it was a miracle, and I'm doubt it would have happened if I didn't fast.
Because you see my fast told my body it was not in control. It is my body that gets tired, my body that gets worn down, it was my body that got sick with postpartum depression, it was my spirit that waited in the background giving me the strength to endure to make sure I wouldn't regret anything when I came out of that sickness.

On a side note, I would say my postpartum depression is gone. I wake up and I feel like myself. Its still new and shiny to step back and realize of this is me. That person, the shell of a person that I was for so long was not me. But this is me now. 

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