Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Easerable Markers a metaphor for motherhood

I found Crayola erasable markets are the store a little while ago. Seemed like a good idea, my boy is always disappointed when his writing stick does not eraser-- he loves erasers.
Never ever never, buy them. They don't color right, and the tip of the marker dissolves a little more with each pressing touch on the paper.
And overall these markers represent all that is wrong with my life right now.
My lack of patience.
That is all my lack of patience, nothing is wrong with my husband, my children, or anything, except my lack of patience.
There is something that is like a gnawing an ant under my skin, from the amount of time I spend being a single mother. (I know I have no right to complain, we have good health, good employment, we do see my husband daily, at least I do (sometimes he leaves before they wake up and comes home after they are in bed, some don't see their husband for a year or so, not to mention we have our own place to live at, and friends for our children to play with almost daily.)
Each day, I lose more and more patience, until I'm ready to throw away half of our belongings. I don't care if we need them, I don't care if someone is using it, if it drives me nuts in the slightest its in the dumpster.
No this don't actually happen, but I want to to, I don't know why I have an unwavering desire to throw everything away. The markers gone, the IKEA kids table gone, all the old baby clothes gone, the stupid handme down Stride Rite shoes gone. Seriously what is the deal with those shoes, they are so stiff it is so hard for me to help my son get them actually on his feet. Is this normal if so why the heck does anyone spend $30+ on name brand children shoes, bring back payless. I would totally get rid of the shoes in a heart beat and buy new ones if it was for that stupid tuition payment.
Why do I have such a desire to throw away everything?
I don't know?
Maybe I think it will help me gain control over my uncontrollable life. Maybe I secretly have a desire to not spend eight grand on school, and instead go blow it at the mall. I don't know, I don't know anything, except some days, my children drive me up the wall and there is nothing they are doing wrong.
Other than maybe using stupid markers that I bought...

Don't worry, each day my patience gets less and less, until I snap (out of it), and become a normal human being and a good mother. It last for a few days, I love life, my life is perfect, then we slowly go down the good patience hill, being more and more cranky as I tumble faster and faster down backward.
Sometimes I still don't think I've adjusted to motherhood of two. Two should be easy, everyone says three or four is hard. I have no idea, all I know, its now for over a year, I have feeling like I'm only three steps away from the crazy farm. Life was so neat, and organized when I was in school with a husband and baby. Crazy busy, but highly organized and planned out to the T. Then I graduated, life wasn't as scheduled, but more fun, with less work. Then I got pregnant with two, it was fine for awhile, then the contractions started, and the move happened. Over a year later, I'm still just as nutty as ever. Will I ever adjust to two?
I love number two dearly, don't believe me, scroll down and look at all the pictures of her.
But seriously, two is utter chaos. While one was completely control and organization.
Some days I'm able to embrace the chaos, and other days I want to rip the stupid erasable markers out of my kid's hand and throw them out the window.


  1. I'm having one of those days too... only minus the kids. I think I'm just overwhelmed & having anxiety about everything from the rest of pregnancy (hoping nothing goes wrong) to the labor & delivery to having a newborn & then the whole life change of having kids. One of those days where I'm wondering how in the world I'll do it without losing my mind. I always thought I'd be different and be able to keep it together and not go crazy... now I'm not so sure!

  2. I have the urge to throw things away ALL the time and the thing is with me... I actually do!
    My sister in law told me I need to ease up b/c I don't want to have to re-buy stuff...Clutter/stuff stresses me out.
    Thanks for the tip on the erasable markers!