Monday, April 11, 2016


I'm petty and have a tendency like most humans to be jealous of things.
Sometimes it feels like I'm carrying a big dark secret so I thought I'd come clean.
Here is a list of things I'm jealous of:
1. Women who served missions before they turned 21. I should be happy for them but usually I'm just jealous.
2. People with 5 babies. I have no idea how many I use to think I'd have, or how many I use to think I wanted. But I always thought my daughter would have a little sister but I can't imagine life without my two little boys. After 2 years of study and prayer I really don't think I'll ever have another child. For years, 4 sounded ideal, and now I'm trying to be obedient and enjoy who I have. But there is always more room in a heart for love.
3. People who aren't hoarding on to their old maternity clothes and burp cloths.
5. Moms with happy babies. (I had one happy baby, two miserable colicy babies, and a baby who was usually easy but mostly indifferent and I'm not sure I'd ever classify him as "happy")
4. Teenage girls with long healthy hair
5. Mothers who have a daughter with dark hair. I love my blondie to the moon and back and can't imagine a daughter more beautiful than her, but my husband has almost black hair where's my dark haired beauty?
6. People's vacation. I know I vacation all the time but I still want to see everything everyone else has seen.
7. Families that love having a new baby in the house, remember we had 50% miserable babies. Plus a strong history of postpartum depression.
8. People with average children. This is probably the most ridiculous one, but sometimes I'm jealous of families of who don't have IEPs and ALPs and who don't share a quirky story of their child and all the moms of high functioning special needs children don't knowingly nod. Somethings it seems like a dream to have children in the middle reading group who look at us other moms with a blank stare when a story of quirkiness was shared.
It would be nice if I couldn't give advice to other moms on how to talk to their kids teachers. 
9. Women that can pick shoes based on beauty not function. If I always picked beauty I wouldn't be able to walk. I can pick beauty a couple of hours at a time two or three times a month.
I told you all of this was petty.

To counter the fates here are things I'm grateful for:
1. My husband, I never thought I needed to be married, I never thought I needed a man to complete me. I've always thought it would be better to be single then be in a lonely marriage, but my life would be so much less meaningful without him as a best friend. (my marriage is not lonely)
2. That I didn't go to Law School
3. That I get to stay at home and raise my babies.
4. That my children seem to get more pleasant the older they get, at least 3 of them. The happy baby started at as a 10 so its hard to live up to that, especially when you develop sensory processing disorder,  hyper activity and anxiety.
5. My finances are in a comfortable place and seem to get better each year.
6. That I'm married to a driven man.
7. That my husband is too busy to make any mistake more than forgetting something. Its hard work to work full time, be actively involved in planning for retirement, serving at church, being involved in 4 children's lives, and continue your educational skills for improving your career. Plus me, I'm hard work.
8. All the amazing fabulous vacations I go on, whether its a fabulous beach va-cay, international, local car trip or camping trip. I love them all.
9. That my children and husband are healthy and have no chronic or terminal illnesses.
10. That my daughter is so beautiful and smart and caring and that everyone loves her. (it's the little things that matter after a hard infancy)
11. That my oldest has never acted like a Child, when you have a baby at 21 its easier to raise a kid who is like a mini adult.
12. The three pairs of brown eyes trying to claim my attention each day. I love when toddlers are obsessed with their mommas and fight their daddy.
13. All my boys, I'm so grateful to be a boy momma. I was terrified for years I'd be a mother of too many daughters (yes, I see the irony)
14. All the toddler hugs I get every day.
15. Every time we dejunk our house. Silly I know. I want maintain an empty house after moving.
16. That I'm independent and a fighter.

If you can't tell, I think it would be great if in a couple of years my family got a dark haired girl. But I'm sure that's not happening.
The Lord tells me other things like:
1. I love you but I want you to be healthy.
2. I love you and your children, please enjoy those special ones I gave you.
3. I love you and you aren't healthy yet, please keep working at it.
4. I love you and I want you to run, walk, play and hike with your children and husband.
5. I love you and I want you to continue working on your great marriage.
6. I also love your husband and I'm also mindful of your husband's hopes and desires.
7. I love you and I often have different plans for you and so far it's worked for you.
8. My love for you is not defined by the amount of children you have or your list of accomplishments.
9. I love you, enjoy those baby cheeks and baby fingers you still have.
10. I love you and I want you to be engaged in your children's lives.
11. I love you and I love your children and they need their mom engaged in their lives.
Did I mention I'm jealous of girls that serve their missions before 21?
And people's vacations.
And their shoes.
I guess I need to work on my humility and pettiness a little bit more.

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