Tuesday, April 19, 2016


When you are only 31 it might be too soon to think about grandbabies, but then again maybe its just the right time.

A few months ago I texted my husband on the verge of tears, I'll never have another baby to love. His response sure you will, you have a grandbabies. Now that might be a really weird conversation but remember I've been dealing with mental illness.

On Saturday I finally came to terms with life, stopped mourning for what has never been. I stopped waiting for a dark haired daughter. My first was dark haired. Brent and I both had dark hair as babies.

Since then we've had three blond baldies. Plus my daughter doesn't have a sister, doesn't every girl need a sister?

Well as I'm sure I've mentioned I've studied and prayed about this for more than two years now, and I'm pretty sure my daughter doesn't have a biological sister. (Although in three years I'm always willing for a surprise. Don't hedge any bets, everytime I bring this up with the Lord he tells me how much he cares about my health.)

But still this dark hair baby girl... I love the children I have and I want them, but this dark haired girl, who wears bows in her hair and lets me pick out her clothes.
She'd be the perfect baby, she wouldn't be colicy and the hormones don't make me depressed. Plus she sleeps through the night, and the pregnancy didn't cause me pain everytime I moved my body. Yeah, clearly this baby is fictitious.

Then this weekend I came to terms with life. Even though I hate bathing kids, nothing like taking my Ikey out of the tub to make me feel forlorn. I wrapped Ikey in a towel cradled-held him and showed him us in the mirror, all of a sudden I realized how much he isn't a baby anymore! He was HUGE!

Then on Sunday it was like a bolt of light. Josh can have a dark hair baby girl. I don't need a dark haired baby girl, my children can have one, and I will love her like no other because I won't have to potty train her, or discipline her, and I can feed her candy. Plus I'll be sleeping through the night.

Oh how I can't wait for that grandbaby girl. I'm feel really good about my family size. I especially want J to marry a girl with dark hair. Ha ha, don't tell him that.

Ok, maybe I'm not done with my bereavement but I'm getting closer.
And now I'm embarrassed to be admitting this. But I feel far better since I've admitted my sadness instead of telling myself I don't deserve to be sad because I have four healthy kids.

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