I really do not think I'm a bad mom. For one I don't abuse my kids, so I figure hey on the scale of good parenting, I got to be up there. For two they want to give me hugs so I'm must be doing something right. Even the little one, when I pick her up, will lean into me, and wrap her skinny little long arms around me. You may say I'm imagining it she is too little, but considering she hates to lean on us, and has been holding her head up straight since she was three weeks old, I'm pretty sure its a hug.
Here is the reason I feel like I'm not meeting all my demands... I take everything too personal. Its true, despite how much it annoys my husband, I do. If my children cry a lot I wonder what I'm doing wrong. I keep wondering what I've done to make my son not want to poop in the toilet anymore. I keep wondering what I can do to get him to start again.
I think what am I doing wrong that makes my daughter go into crying bouts, or what have I done that makes her spit all day.
When my husband is in a bad mood, I wonder what can I do to make it better.
Or when money is tight, I wonder what did a do buy that was too much, what did a allow my son to get a the store, that is now busting the budget. (Truth be known, it was 50-50, it the hospital bills from the baby, and expensive rent) (I am spending less, I go to JoAnns half as often and spend half as much as I did in our cheap rent apartment down south.)
Overall this is a terrible habit. Its a good thing I didn't marry an emotionally abusive man, or he could really capitalize on this. I am working at not blaming myself for everything that goes wrong. But when I feel overly stressed or overly tired, all the sudden I start blaming myself, and I can't see things clearly. Its actually excellent for me to be the mother of a toddler/ a mother of two, I'm understanding agency so much better than before.
For example, I taught my son how to be potty trained, he was potty trained for 7 months or so, we were pretty much accident free for months, until January. I've tried every incentive, but yet my son has no desire to sit on the toilet. Here is where his agency comes in, he has to sit on the toilet every evening, but if he doesn't go then, and he goes an hour after we put him to bed, what can I do? Nothing, he has his agency. I have done everything I can to help/teach him, but he ultimately has the end choice, and his choice is not my fault if I've done everything I can. There is no reason in getting upset, because then it turns into a power struggle (easier said than done). I am trying to calmly deal with the situation, tell him I'm disappointed. Tell him he would have gotten a bowl of ice cream if he would have gone in the toilet. But after that there is nothing I can do. As bizarre as it all sounds it helps me understand the gospel so much more.
It helps me understand better that I do the best I can in life, and the Lord makes up the rest.
Its like when I was still pregnant, and every month all month long I really really tried to do visiting teaching, but I almost always failed, every single month. The women in power of Visiting Teaching, kept asking why it wasn't getting done. (Our visiting teaching department is very concerned about numbers.) I kept telling them, I'm honestly trying very hard, I spent the whole month trying, but could not get a hold of them. I could tell they didn't really believe me, but what else could I do. Or the months, when my VT partner would say she would set up appointments, and every week I would ask her if she had, and every week, she would say she forgot. What was I suppose to do? Go and schedule them myself? Some would, I did not, I don't work like that. She volunteered to do it, and told me she would, I often offered to do it myself, but she kept telling me she would. I'm sorry if people disagree but I was not going to do in that case. Anyway, I'm sure you all appreciate all these rambling.
I could just type it up and never post the post, and feel better. But at the same time, with as much as I post, I would hate for you all to think my life is always sunshine.
I know life really is never as hard as I seem to think it is, but yet I can still complain. And still feel bogged down, and feel like life is demanding too much of me. Because heck I am not one of those super moms. I will be the first to admit, I'm not a super mom. Some women try to look like super mom, or super woman... whatever they might be doing in life at the time. Not me. More than half the time I strap my son into his car seat, I realize his face has food on it. Do I run inside and wash it? nah... I would hate for people to see me as more put together than I am.
Success to me is not measured by homemade gourmet meals, a sparkling clean house, amazingly well groomed children, in brand new never stained name brand clothing. I would hate to look perfect, like some people do. Heck if I care if my child has more than three toys out at the same time. Success is ending the day, with either the laundry wash or folding, I never set my expectations too high by hoping for both. Success is sitting down with my family for dinner maybe four times a week, with a meal I've made. But even if that number is not met life goes on. Success is saying family prayer with mom, dad, and three year old, half the nights a week, and just one parent and three year old the other nights. Success is having my son sit still for 5 minute Family Home Evening. Success is my son not crying during church, and not running away. Even if that means he is laying in the aisle singing to himself., hey he is not taking up the whole aisle, he has to lay right next to our pew, parallel, not at an angle. Success is when at least once a week, my son is willing to repeat the prayer we are telling him. Success is when he sit still during a prayer at least once every other day. Success is dry underwear even if he is pooping in his pants. Success is one baby smile a day, even if the rest of the time she is crying and spitting up. Success is knowing in 50 years from now we still want to be married, even if one of us is annoyed at the other today. (PS About 99.9 % my husband and I are happy with each other, but this post is blunt, I won't lie, we do get annoyed at each other. In which case adult conversation in the house is zero, the only talking is from a small child, or spoken to a small child.) Success is looking down and realizing that your daughter just spit up all over you in public, but at least you showered this morning, even if she cried for the 15 minutes you got ready. And the biggest success of all... getting two new pairs of LONG jeans that will still fit in 10 months when I look like a gangly 12 year old, for a grand total of $35 before tax. Ok, life might be demanding, life might not be perfect, but at least I got long skinny jeans.