As I mentioned I've had supreme doubts this last couple of weeks. For almost 3 weeks I've been pleading with the Lord to tell me where my family was specifically suppose to live. Although I was receiving guidance from the Holy Ghost I wasn't receiving what I thought I needed to know. I got a few it will work out, a not here, a lot of yeah we can do this and a stupor of thought but no this is where your family should live.
I wanted to feel where my family should live.
I needed to feel where my family should l live.
It wasn't happening.
I wondered if it was my fault. A few months ago I found myself angry with the Lord. I felt like I had made no decisions in my life and just kept doing what he told me to do which had resulted in my dreams going unfulfilled and me ending up in a boring thankless life. The Lord let me throw my fit for a while. Then thr spirit told me I'm aware of everything you've ever wanted to accomplish. Your life is not over and I'll turn your dreams into more than you can image. I am the potter and you are the clay. You only have a short portion of your life to have babies then we'll work on what's next.
So see this was all my fault. Since I complained The Lord was going to let me figure this next portion out. I wasn't ready for such things.
(Back to the anger. I've wondered why I qualify for spiritual answers when I'm angry at the Lord. Shouldn't be deny me those blessings if I'm not joyful? As mortals we often deny service to those who are grumpy. I've realized you qualify for certain blessings based on your obedience. When I'm going to church, trying to live up to my covenants especially my baptismal covenants of always remembering him and take him name upon me, reading my scriptures, saying my prayers, fulfilling my church callings, teaching my children to read the scriptures, teaching my children to pray, nurturing my temple marriage, looking for opportunities to serve those around me. When I'm doing all those things even if I'm hurt and confused and I'm angry at the Lord, If I'm still being obedient, I am receiving what the Lord has promised that the blessings of heaven are being showered upon me and the angels are unrestrained in my company. I'm sure the Lord would prefer me happy. Everyone prefers me happy, but he also knows I need to have the good with the bad so he's not going to punish me for my doubt as long as my obedience doesn't wane.)
Back to moving so see I thought I'd brought my lack of direction on myself for my previous doubt.
Wherever I brought my doubt up with Brent he would tell me it's because we ask to move here so we have to decide for ourselves. It's the 116 pages of manuscript. I would angrily tell Brent its not the 116 pages. I don't know what you were praying for but my prayers would have not led to that. The Lord wants us here. Even though I tell people this is your consolation prize because Spain didn't work out, the UK, Columbia, etc. This is not a consolation prize we are suppose to be here. I just don't know where....
...
.
.
.
I didn't know where. I was so distraught.
.
.
I didn't know where.
.
.
I don't know where.
...
.
.
.
(Can you feel the sadness? Because there was sadness.)
We would go into house and one of us would hate it.
We were both grumpy at each other, why doesn't the other just like this house already?
How could the other one like this house?
I asked Brent when is our realtor going to break up with us because we don't like anything and are wasting his time.
I'd get desperate.
I'd plead-- tell me.
I'd get a you could make this work if you want to...
Then we drove to a different town.
To recap, Town F was a no.
Town P was a stupor of thought.
My hometown was a you could make this work if you want to.
I don't want to. I purposely moved away 13 years ago. I purposely stayed away for 10 years. Where do you want me? Tell me...
I'm sick of looking at online listings to have them disappear before I get there. (under contract) I'm sick of walking into other people's houses. Tell me where you want me.
Then we drove to a new town. This was it. I couldn't believe this was it. This is where the Lord wanted my family. After a few seconds I wondered was I making this up because I was begging for a sign? No this is it. Looking out the car window, do I really want this to be it?
Then we got to a nicer neighborhood.
First house we looked at in that town was owned by Mormons, I could feel it the moment we walked in. After a few rooms I walked into a different room because I didn't want Brent and the realtor to see me get emotional that the Lord had finally answered my prayers.
The house was lacking some things I wanted like a game room. Was I suppose to buy this house? Or was the spirit just in their home? It needed a new master bath, and new siding, the realtor wasn't impressed he said it was over priced. So we went to the next house.
This was the house we wanted. Brand new on the market. (not a new build) Its a house we fit in now, a house we fit in 10 years from now, a house we could stay awhile.
That's what the Lord told me Monday night. Don't buy a small rental to live in, I want you to establish yourself. I'm mindful of your goals and dream, don't buy a house with an exit strategy.
Right before that he told me don't buy a house too small for your family. You will not prove your spirituality by buying a house too small. Buy a house for your kids to grow into so you stay awhile.
There is already an offer on the table. I'm not sure ours is good enough. But our finances are good, we pay our tithing, we've done all we can do. The Lord will make up the rest.
Whether that means this house or another... Only time will tell...
But it's about faith. Which is usually lacking but I'm trying my best.
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