Perspective

As a teenager I found it doubtful when people said they could open their scriptures and read the exact verse they needed to hear. It has definitely been true for me these past few months. I'll be overwhelmed and the next conference talk in my queue will answer what I'm struggling with. Today I opened gospel library. And this was where I was:
1 Nephi 17
3 And thus we see that the commandments of God must be fulfilled. And if it so be that the children of men keep the commandments of God he doth nourish them, and strengthen them, and provide means whereby they can accomplish the thing which he has commanded them; wherefore, he did provide means for us while we did sojourn in the wilderness.
4 And we did sojourn for the space of many years, yea, even eight years in the wilderness.

I'm not in 1 Nephi 17, nor is family study. I'm not sure why it was there.

This Saturday we'll have been here for a month. Still no contract. I never expected being here let alone a month without having an end date but I guess its not 8 years. That puts it in perspective.

A miracle

I was suppose to post this on the 17th.
A miracle happened today. I went to pay my last energy bill from my old house and realized it was overdue. Opps! I asked my mom if the mail was already picked up? yes, yes to everywhere. I would have had to drive across town to get it out today. I decided one more day wouldn't hurt, too much, hopefully. A few minutes later I was supervising my oldest and my nephew swimming, when I noticed the mail truck drive by the other side of the fence. I quickly ran inside and grabbed my bill. The mail truck had stopped in front of my parents house, I asked her if she could take my bill. She said yes, took it and then drove off. She didn't even deliver mail on my parents street!

I needed that miracle. The confirmation that the Lord is watching over me and is aware of everything. What's the scripture? Aware of the sparrow in the tree, how much more than you?

Google came up with Luke 12:
6 Are not five sparrows sold for two farthings, and not one of them is forgotten before God?
 7 But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows.
But I'm not sure that's it.

Maybe Doctrine and Covenants 84:
82 For, consider the lilies of the field, how they grow, they toil not, neither do they spin; and the kingdoms of the world, in all their glory, are not arrayed like one of these.
 83 For your Father, who is in heaven,knoweth that you have need of all these things.
 84 Therefore, let the morrow takethought for the things of itself.
 85 Neither take ye thought beforehandwhat ye shall say; but treasure up in your minds continually the words of life, and it shall be given you in the very hour that portion that shall be meted unto every man.

Be comforted

Today knowing there was literally no house on the market I wanted to buy I was lost in wondering what we should do. My brain was very foggy from my head cold and so I was a lost sheep today.
They only part of the morning I felt at peace was when I took my kids swimming. Nothing like enjoying the simplicity of motherhood to bring peace.

Tonight I was reading President Erying's address from October 2015 Priesthood Session, titled You Are Not Alone In the Work. He tells the story of his great grandfather Henry Erying's mission service:
Henry wrote in his journal, “Having had dreams before which were literally fulfilled I had faith to believe, that this also would be and consequently commenced at once to prepare for a start.”
(A few paragraphs later it says:)
Henry described his joy, saying, “Thus my dream was literally fulfilled.”
His joy came from a confirmation that the Lord had been working with and watching over him. He learned what is true for all of us—that the Lord’s servants are inspired to know the Lord’s will."

Even though I started the talk earlier I finished the talk once Brent and I were in bed and I shared the story with him. I then said, I guess that is why this move hasn't been hard. Well hard but not impossible. (He knew what I meant.) People ask where we are looking for houses and then they ask why there, I have no answer other than that is where the Lord directed us. To some I'm sure this move is crazy, buts its normal to me because this is not the first time we've done something like this. I have complete faith the Lord will tell us where He wants us because He has always has in the past. Ever since I picked my college the Lord's told me where he wants me after I've studied it out in my mind.

After I finished the story to Brent I opened up our Book of Mormon reading. We were on Alma 17:10
And it came to pass that the Lord did visit them with his Spirit, and said unto them: Be comforted. And they were comforted.

Tonight was a tender mercy. I've spent the last 24 hours wandering in spiritual darkness so I'm grateful for renewed faith. (I know 24 hours is a fly speck of time to wander in spiritual darkness.)

Always learned

This house hunting has been one of the most interesting experience of my life. I guess I'm learning how to listen to the spirit and pray for what the Lord wants for me not for what I want.
Two weeks ago when our first offer was out there, I was praying that our offer would be accepted if it be thy will. Then two or three days into it changed one day. I found myself praying for something different. That I would have the faith for what the Lord wanted. When I found myself praying that I was slightly surprised.
Yesterday I started my Sabbath prayers unexpectedly again. I prayed that the Lord would renew my faith as it falter. I thought that was an odd prayer as right there my faith was strong.
Last night we found out our second offer wasn't accepted. I was not suprised it never really felt right to me. But then once I was in bed a deep panic ran over my virus inflicted body. (My children gave me a cold.) I have literally looked at every listing in the town that the Spirit has told me to move to.
Sure in the light of day I realize that there will be more houses but... It is a discouraging process.
I spent the night sleeping poorly, grinding my teeth and going through all the listing that are still out there wondering which one could work..
Anyway back to the reason of this post, in February 2000 Boyd K. Packer had an Ensign article titled Teach the Children, he said, "I once heard President Marion G. Romney (1897–1988) say, “I always know when I am speaking under the influence of the Holy Ghost because I always learn something from what I have said.”
In the last few months I've often found myself learning from a comment I've made in church. Lately my prayers are no different.
I also feel like I need to ponder on this quote from President Packer. "Some wait for compelling spiritual experiences to confirm their testimony. It doesn’t work that way. It is the quiet promptings and impressions of ordinary things that give us the assurance of our identity as children of God. We live far below our privileges when we seek after signs and look “beyond the mark” for marvelous events."
Am I looking for quiet assurances or grandiose feelings? I've had grandiose feelings when moving my family to a new home but mostly I've had quiet assurances that it will all work out.

Then again I also believe what Elder Hales taught in Spring Conference this year in his talk entitled The Holy Ghost.

"The Holy Ghost provides personal revelation to help us make major life decisions about such things as education, missions, careers, marriage, children, where we will live with our families, and so on. In these matters, Heavenly Father expects us to use our agency, study the situation out in our minds according to gospel principles, and bring a decision to Him in prayer."

"I remind all of us that the Holy Ghost is not given to control us. Some of us unwisely seek the Holy Ghost’s direction on every minor decision in our lives. This trivializes His sacred role. The Holy Ghost honors the principle of agency. He speaks to our minds and our hearts gently about many matters of consequence."

"Each of us may feel the influence of the Holy Ghost differently. His promptings will be felt in different degrees of intensity according to our individual needs and circumstances."

That last quote explains why some moves have stronger impressions then others. The Lord tailor's my needs to my circumstances. But yet I don't know if I'm being too picky and I should get something. Or if the Lord is testing my patience for something better. That is the question we've been wondering/searching.

Embarrassed

The other night I realized all the things I'm posting on my blog and I was embarrassed to be so frank. It seems to be the other bone I'm being thrown lately. Time to blog. I'm not sure I want time to blog. This has been an exercise in what I need not want. The house I would have chosen I just kept thinking ahh wait, no need to put an offer. The house I frantically put an offer on so they'd take down the listing is pretty much what I've been saying I won't buy. It feels right...
But that doesn't mean they'll pick ours....

Doesn't mean

As I've stated I fasted and prayed about this move I really felt like it was the right choice for my family.
So its been quite shocking to how hard its all been. On Sunday in church my little boys were being quite disruptive. I was so frustrated that they were being so combatant with me. And eventhough they weren't cooperating I was on, I was helping them fold their arms, whispering scripture stories. Holding them, ignoring them, I tried all sides of the spectrum and nothing was working. I was staying calm but still nothing was working. Then the spirit said, "Well done my good and faithful servant you are choosing the right but that doesn't mean its going to be easy."
It aplied to both childcare and choosing where to live.

Oh heaven help me in my childcare duties.  If I l leave the room without Turbo her cries and every time I turn around Ike has broken more glass. He isn't doing it to be naughty each time is an accident. He's just so busy. Plus my daughter is so needy it's like having triplets instead of my Irish twins. (They aren't actually Irish twins. But they look enough alike and are enough of a handful that in public older ladies often ask me about my Irish twins.)

I felt like moving was the obedient thing so I thought it would be easy. I'm not sure if any of this has been easy. Our house was on the market 3 weeks longer than anyone thought. Now this real estate market is so hot its hard to find anything. We made an offer on a house we won't find out for a week. They also had a cash offer. Hopefully that falls through and they pick us. I've been praying fervently. Sunday morning all of sudden my prayer changed. I didn't ask to get the house I prayed to get the right house. I'm suppose to go look at more listings incase they don't pick ours. I just don't care! My kids are fine while I'm gone but fall to pieces when I get home and are so awful for me the next day. Every time I feel like complaining and ask the Lord to throw me a bone he gives me time to listen to conference. Not really the bone I'm looking for I guess I should be grateful.

Its about faith

As I mentioned I've had supreme doubts this last couple of weeks. For almost 3 weeks I've been pleading with the Lord to tell me where my family was specifically suppose to live. Although I was receiving guidance from the Holy Ghost I wasn't receiving what I thought I needed to know. I got a few it will work out, a not here, a lot of yeah we can do this and a stupor of thought but no this is where your family should live.

I wanted to feel where my family should live.

I needed to feel where my family should l live.

It wasn't happening.

I wondered if it was my fault. A few months ago I found myself angry with the Lord. I felt like I had made no decisions in my life and just kept doing what he told me to do which had resulted in my dreams going unfulfilled and me ending up in a boring thankless life. The Lord let me throw my fit for a while. Then thr spirit told me I'm aware of everything you've ever wanted to accomplish. Your life is not over and I'll turn your dreams into more than you can image. I am the potter and you are the clay. You only have a short portion of your life to have babies then we'll work on what's next.

So see this was all my fault. Since I complained The Lord was going to let me figure this next portion out. I wasn't ready for such things.

(Back to the anger. I've wondered why I qualify for spiritual answers when I'm angry at the Lord. Shouldn't be deny me those blessings if I'm not joyful? As mortals we often deny service to those who are grumpy. I've realized you qualify for certain blessings based on your obedience. When I'm going to church, trying to live up to my covenants especially my baptismal covenants of always remembering him and take him name upon me, reading my scriptures, saying my prayers, fulfilling my church callings, teaching my children to read the scriptures, teaching my children to pray, nurturing my temple marriage, looking for opportunities to serve those around me. When I'm doing all those things even if I'm hurt and confused and I'm angry at the Lord, If I'm still being obedient, I am receiving what the Lord has promised that the blessings of heaven are being showered upon me and the angels are unrestrained in my company. I'm sure the Lord would prefer me happy. Everyone prefers me happy, but he also knows I need to have the good with the bad so he's not going to punish me for my doubt as long as my obedience doesn't wane.)

Back to moving so see I thought I'd brought my lack of direction on myself for my previous doubt.

Wherever I brought my doubt up with Brent he would tell me it's because we ask to move here so we have to decide for ourselves. It's the 116 pages of manuscript. I would angrily tell Brent its not the 116 pages. I don't know what you were praying for but my prayers would have not led to that. The Lord wants us here. Even though I tell people this is your consolation prize because Spain didn't work out, the UK, Columbia, etc. This is not a consolation prize we are suppose to be here. I just don't know where....

...
.
.
.
I didn't know where. I was so distraught.
.
.
I didn't know where.
.
.
I don't know where.
...
.
.
. 
(Can you feel the sadness? Because there was sadness.)
We would go into house and one of us would hate it.
We were both grumpy at each other, why doesn't the other just like this house already?
How could the other one like this house?
I asked Brent when is our realtor going to break up with us because we don't like anything and are wasting his time.
I'd get desperate.
I'd plead-- tell me.
I'd get a you could make this work if you want to...

Then we drove to a different town.

To recap, Town F was a no.
Town P was a stupor of thought.
My hometown was a you could make this work if you want to.

I don't want to. I purposely moved away 13 years ago. I purposely stayed away for 10 years. Where do you want me? Tell me...
I'm sick of looking at online listings to have them disappear before I get there. (under contract) I'm sick of walking into other people's houses. Tell me where you want me.

Then we drove to a new town. This was it. I couldn't believe this was it. This is where the Lord wanted my family. After a few seconds I wondered was I making this up because I was begging for a sign? No this is it. Looking out the car window, do I really want this to be it?
Then we got to a nicer neighborhood.
First house we looked at in that town was owned by Mormons, I could feel it the moment we walked in. After a few rooms I walked into a different room because I didn't want Brent and the realtor to see me get emotional that the Lord had finally answered my prayers.

The house was lacking some things I wanted like a game room. Was I suppose to buy this house? Or was the spirit just in their home? It needed a new master bath, and new siding, the realtor wasn't impressed he said it was over priced. So we went to the next house.

This was the house we wanted. Brand new on the market. (not a new build) Its a house we fit in now, a house we fit in 10 years from now, a house we could stay awhile.
That's what the Lord told me Monday night. Don't buy a small rental to live in, I want you to establish yourself. I'm mindful of your goals and dream, don't buy a house with an exit strategy.
Right before that he told me don't buy a house too small for your family. You will not prove your spirituality by buying a house too small. Buy a house for your kids to grow into so you stay awhile.

There is already an offer on the table. I'm not sure ours is good enough. But our finances are good, we pay our tithing, we've done all we can do. The Lord will make up the rest.
Whether that means this house or another... Only time will tell...
But it's about faith. Which is usually lacking but I'm trying my best.

It hasn't been

In case you thought all this moving and house hunting has been rainbows and butterflies I want to set the record straight.
It hasn't been.
There are days I'm so angry.
So frustrated.
Days I'm in bed having a panic attack shaking because I don't know what choice to make for my family.
Who's idea was it anyway to move to the hottest market this area has ever seen.
If I was standing face to face to the Lord I would have probably screamed I don't know what you want me to do!
Instead I've had some very distraught prayers filled emotional screaming.

But I guess you have to opposition in all things. How would I know the spirit is talking if I didn't know the dark panic of this problem is too big and too tall for me to ever know. (By the way I hate this gospel principle I don't ever want to experience the bad.)

Through it all I'm sure the Lord is standing there patting my head saying there there just like when I toddler throws a fit because the park takes 10 minutes to walk to. I'm sure my spirit is only had the toddler equivalent. I'm just barely learning how to speak the language of eternities. I'm just barely learning how to walk by light.

THREE!

The other day I asked my 2 year old baby boy what his name was.
I do this often, he has a lot of nicknames and so it is interesting to see which one he relates most to at the time.
He said, "Ikey!"
I then asked how old are you?
He response "Three!"


We laughed he is 2, but his big brother is three and obsessed with three. Grandma then spent the rest of the afternoon teaching him he is two!

2 weeks ago

Two weeks ago when I was near the end of packing but still had so far to go. I was eating breakfast and pretty panicked. I kept thinking hold it together. Motivational thinking was not really helping.
So I figured I needed to put first things first and do some light religious study. I know we are suppose to feast but light is better then none.

I opened my LDS Gospel library App thinking I'll pick I'll my conference talks where I left off. My heart fell I saw the picture of a seventy I didn't recognize. I started reading anyway because in my panicked state I didn't know what else to read. To make matters worse it was a talk about the Hymn book. I didn't care about the history of the Hymn book. Didn't the spirit know how busy I was?

It was Elder Steven Snow's talk Be Thou Humble from April 2016 General Conference. Now that I'm typing this I do see the irony.  After I finished my light study I also realized Satan didn't want me to study the talk. He didn't want me to have that strength which is why I was so upset in the beginning of my reading. It was exactly the talk the spirit wanted me to read.
In the second to last paragraph of the talk he writes,
"It should come as no surprise that President Kimball’s favorite hymn was “I Need Thee Every Hour.” Elder Dallin H. Oaks reported that this was the most oft-sung opening hymn by the Brethren in the temple during his early years in the Quorum of the Twelve. He said, “Picture the spiritual impact of a handful of the Lord’s servants singing that song before praying for his guidance in fulfilling their mighty responsibilities.”

When I finished the talk I looked up on YouTube the Mo Tab singing I Need Thee Every Hour. Immediately following the next video that played was Mo Tab singing I'll Go Where You Want Me To Go.
I needed to start my day with those two hymns. They are what I needed to hear to carry me through the end of packing. To give me the fortude to not fall to pieces in front of my kids every time I said good bye to a good friend.

The talk keeps giving. This morning I took my husband to the airport on the way home I was pondering many things. This was an answer to some of them.
"She based her text for “Be Thou Humble” on two verses of scripture: Doctrine and Covenants 112:10 and Ether 12:27. The verse in Ether reads: “And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; … for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.”

Also since we've moved my older kids are bickering a lot with each other. So here is another answer to pondering.
"While nurturing their self-confidence and self-esteem, we need to teach them the qualities of selflessness, kindness, obedience, lack of pride, civility, and unpretentiousness. We need them to learn to take joy in the successes of siblings and friends. President Howard W. Hunter taught that “our genuine concern should be for the success of others.” If not, our children can become obsessed with self-promotion and outdoing others, jealousy, and resentment for the triumphs of peers. I’m grateful for a mother who, when seeing I was becoming too full of myself as a boy, would say, “Son, a little bit of humility right now would go a long way.”

I'm going to reemphasized one of those sentences:
"We need them to learn to take joy in the successes of siblings and friends. President Howard W. Hunter taught that “our genuine concern should be for the success of others.”