Tuesday, April 28, 2015

More of the Same

Today while eating lunch I was listening to conference. The Lord Is My Light by Elder Quentin L. Cook of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles in the Saturday afternoon session was up in my queue. In the end of his talk he said,
If the grim realities you are facing at this time seem dark and heavy and almost unbearable, remember that in the soul-wrenching darkness of Gethsemane and the incomprehensible torture and pain of Calvary, the Savior accomplished the Atonement, which resolves the most terrible burdens that can occur in this life. He did it for you, and He did it for me. He did it because He loves us and because He obeys and loves His Father. We will be rescued from death—even from the depths of the sea.
It was a good reminder. Especially since I'm trying to understand my trials. 

Normally I live a life of no regret. Brent and I both agree years ago there was no reason to live with doubt and regret. We make a decision and never look back. I often hear moms talking about how they could have done such and such better or they failed at such and such. I don't do that. I don't know why, I simply don't. I have always done the best I can, I have I failed often. Do I make mistakes all the time, but I don't fill myself up with dread about the past. Sure I've yelled at my kids, but when I calm down I apologize, we discuss it and move on. I refuse to allow people to take control over my emotions. If someone offends me, I think about the situation, come to peace with it as soon as I can and move on. I often worry I put my foot it my mouth all the time, I often feel bad at how something came out. I apologize if needs be, and move on.
 So last Sunday I was talking to Brent about my inability to let go of this last bout of postpartum depression. Normally I accept things for what they are and move on. But for whatever reason I can't this time. I told Brent every time I bring it up you are probably thinking can we move on? (I sensed a head nod that he was smart enough not to do.) But I can't move on until I have understanding. Until I understand it, it was just mindless suffering, and I don't believe the Lord gives us mindless pain. I think all our trials can be for our good, they can lead us in a direction for our benefit if we but understand the Lord's will. I'm not there yet but I'm getting there. This quote from Elder Cook helps. 

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