Post Scripts

1.  Back to Music, the album U2 War is probably the most influential album I've ever listened to, I often think finding my sibling's CD was the main reason I studied Political Science in college.
2. I keep blogging so I can blog pictures of my baby's first birthday but for whatever reason they aren't autobacking up to the cloud.... darn google why won't my pictures get off my phone. 
3. I often wonder what I want to be when I grow up. The benefit of having a baby at 21 is you get to put off what you want to do when you grow up, before I got married I thought wanted to go to Law School. I've never regret I didn't go. That's not what I actually wanted to do in life. If I think about it I'm sad I never got a polsci internship, because instead I was pregnant and we didn't have the luxury of doing things that didn't pay because we needed to eat. But Law School, yeah I'm glad that ship sailed without me. But what do I want to do one day.... I have some many thoughts... Which I don't think I want to post on my blog currently. For years I always knew I would one day get a paying job again but then I started to think nah, I could be a 100% homemaker forever. I've since realized that is so not me. But the world is my oyster in just a few years... its kind of nerve wracking. 
4. In chapter 3 of the book I'm reading, Rubin talks about "arrival fallacy". I think normally I'm pretty good about enjoying now instead of dreaming of the future. In fact sometimes I get mad at my husband because I feel like he is only dreaming of the future and not enjoying here and now, but that's not true. My anger comes from a failure to communicate.  Anyway, I've terrible with this right now. If only I was done nursing my baby, if only was sleeping through the night, if only everyone slept until 7 am. If only we fit in our house, if only we had a pantry, if only my oldest had his own room so he could read in his room in the evening, if only my daughter didn't wake up her baby brothers, if only my computer desk was better, if only we had a mud room. I could go on and on and on. Some days I think we can never move because we live less than a mile from an excellent elementary school, and we have a huge three car garage and a big yard with an amazing swing set. Other days, I think if I have to live in this small three bed house for more than one more year I will scream. Then I dream about moving places where we would have a smaller home! I'm currently terrible at enjoying here and now.
5. She also talks about "fun failure". The fun that comes when a crisis hits. I don't find that fun, I don't like spontaneity, I like strict schedules. My husband says to me do you want to run to the store with me during my lunch hour. I say sure by two o'clock I want to scream at him because we still haven't left. He would be perfectly happy to live without clocks. When chaos hits in the house and I loose it, my husband tells me this is the fun part. I look at him like he is insane, and he knows it might just work, because my love for him, keeps me from yelling at him. When the kids are up past nap time or past bedtime I can barely control myself. 
6. I finally figured out how to reset my phone's photos. They are on the cloud.

"the weather for my whole life"

After attending a meeting formerly known as Enrichment, I picked up the book The Happiness Project up from the library. I am a self-help book junkie. Hence all my FB article reading-- self-help articles, I'm not sure why, I've read so much, very rarely does anything stand out. Honestly I'm not sure why I'm reading the book, I'm an obsessive goal setter, and work on my goal until I feel like I've accomplished it. For years I've been looking back at my actions and deciding when I'm being a jerk and how to fix that. For example, yelling as a mom. Getting ready in the morning. Simple fix wake up earlier. For a while I didn't think I needed to get out of bed if my husband was sleeping, but guess what he doesn't care if the kids are late for school, he doesn't care if I shower before I go grocery shopping. But I do, so I have to get up when I need to get up. During dinner I get angry. This is a much harder on to fix. Some many things go into this one, but I'm systematically fixing them over the years. Step one, not being starving before my husband is. Simple fix eat a snack at 4 pm with my children. I'm grumpy when I don't know what to cook. Simple fix plan out my menu at the beginning of the week. I get angry when I cook food wrong (burn/undercook), not a simple fix. But admitting it makes me angry, makes it less awkward for me, so I can move on. Listening to my daughter cry for 2 hours about not liking dinner makes me very angry. So I've gone back to bribing her. I recently read bribing is ineffective. Well by all means someone else give me a way to convince my daughter to eat. It is by far the only way we have figured it out, because guess what she is ok with going to bed hungry, but then she wakes up the baby who shares a room with her at 6 am for her to go eat an early breakfast/late dinner since she then eats breakfast with everyone again at 8 am. 

Back to the book, in chapter two, Gretchen Rubin says, "For me, as for most married people, my marriage was the foundation of all the other important choices in my life: where I lived, having kids, my friends, my work, my leisure. The atmosphere of my marriage set the weather for my whole life."  About six months ago Brent and I were having a fairly serious conversation about a serious topic, it really bothered me so finally I said to him. I've always gotten the impression you wanted to get married, have a yard, have kids, do the whole thing. Just remember I never wanted any of this, emphasis on any of this until I met you, and no offense but I feel like as a stay at home mom who has birthed the four kids these decisions have made a great impact on my life than yours, he agreed with me and said don't worry about what I was worried about. (Now mind you he has done plenty to make my life turn out the way I'm happy with these four kids. The first two kids were his idea, the last two kids were mine. We live in a suburban neighborhood for me. I'm the one who wanted a planned community, with sidewalks and parks. He wouldn't mind a second paycheck. I'm always the one that says taking care of the kids is stress level enough for me.) Anyway, I think I always thought I was the only who felt like they gave up everything in their life to be with their spouse, so I was quite relieved to be reading a book by a published author who has a law degree state this very thing. (By the way logically I know the author and I are not the only ones who feel this way. But society is very effective in making a stay at home spouse feel very marginalized.) 

On the following page she says, "I thought hard about my particular marriage, and the changes I could make to restore the tenderness and patience of our newlywed prebaby days." Honestly other than the first quote the chapter said nothing new to me. Unofficially at some point in the last year or two my husband and I made an unspoken pack to put all our effort into our marriage. I never really remember discussing, it we just started doing it. Who cares if the house was clean, or the cars smelled like burning, who cared if the children's homework was done all that matter was whether we put our all into our marriage. It has had fabulous results. I would recommend it to anyone. When one of us interrupts the other we aren't annoyed instead we think of as a sign of "I love you so much, I just want your attention."  When I'm angry and my husband comes up and hugs me it often takes self-control not to yell at him, but guess what he is right as long as he hugs me long enough I stop being angry no matter how messy life is or how late we are or how hungry I am or how loud the three youngest are crying.  In church we often slide our children down the row. We've decided its more important for us to sit next to each other than for our children not to pout that they aren't sitting with whatever parent is their favorite. Actually I have an empty nester friend that often mentions how much she enjoys watching us in church. (We sit in the front, she sits in the back.) She says she laughs how we just keep pushing our kids down the row so we can sit next to each other. The best part about putting your spouse first is you magically have more patience for your children when they aren't the center of the house. 

Pictures Anyone?

Baby number 4, is finally sleeping through the night. A week before his birthday! Say what, I pride myself on good sleepers who sleep independently. But sometimes personality weight out parenting.  So he finally sleeping, but he still continues to be my naughtiest baby. Brent can be really mean, and normally it only takes twice of being in trouble to stop touching the garage can. Not this boy he does not care. He loves to push it around the kitchen.

 But he is so pretty, with his dreamy eyes and lashes. I'm officially getting old at 30. I'm growing some laugh lines, I guess it could be a lot worse.

 Turns out this picture is beyond blury. But boy this boy... words can not describe. He is the sweetest momma's boy and in the throws of terrible twos.

 The boys enjoying toddler time at the library. Ikey has started to participate too. Since its designed for toddlers not big kids. They love it. They are best friends are beyond cute with each other.

 Remember how I want them to stay little forever. Oh maybe not. Too many days of ours look like this. No one wanted to get sister from kindie pick up.

 This boy says the funniest things, and the most annoying things. His new thing, "I not eat this." "Not eat dinner, this is disgusting." Say what? where does a 2 year old learn such things? Everything, is disgusting, he even told me eggs were tonight, and refused to eat them. He has been eating eggs 3-4 times a week since he was 9 months old. Its so hard to be 2, you think you should be charge of your life, but you aren't because you would make terrible decisions like running in front of cars, not sleeping and not eating anything but sippy cups of milk and candy. Plus no one is surprised by your behavior but yourself.

Ready for a Change

This blog post is disjuncted- such is my brain.

I came back from Christmas ready to restart life. We were ready to proactively achieve our dreams. 

(What are our dreams you may ask, living abroad. You have no idea how many times we have pursed this since we got married, I guess since before I was married. Each time it wasn't right, this time we are farther in the process then ever before. We know we are currently on the right path, but maybe that path will lead us some where other than abroad.) 

Coming back I was ready for so much. Adventures near and far, I needed a fun life again.

The first two Saturdays back we cleaned, and rocked life. We got rid of stuff, lots of stuff. The next Saturday we had a lot of fun. We went to a party, then later we hosted a dinner life was good, we were rocking this life thing. The following Saturday was an utter let down, I worried life was rocking me again.

My husband assured me we just needed a down day. I took the baby to get immunizations. We went grocery shopping so I wouldn't have to go when my husband was out of town. My husband relaxed after a stressful week before a stressful business trip. My babies napped, my daughter had a much desired play date. I made a blanket for my oldest son, who asked me to make it for him. Life was normal, boring, slow. It felt like a failure to me, but my husband promised it was not. 

I'm ready to either trash my whole house, redecorate, or show it. Some times I'm jumping out of my skin right now. But I don't know how, step 1 get rid of half of our stuff, because we can't redecorate, or show it with this much stuff. Then I get the mail, three days worth of mail and two children's school papers, and I can't even see my kitchen counter. I found my missing Christmas CD today, too bad the attic is insulated up right now... I store christmas CDs in the Christmas decoration boxes because I don't want them out year round. I know I know, why aren't they burned on to the computer or a phone or something, they have been like 8 times, do I know where any of the electronic copies are? No. I tried to rearrange my living room today. It didn't work. I need less stuff in it. I hate my computer desk like more than anything, but it stays mostly because we don't want to buy new furniture right now but truly because my husband and I can't agree on what the right computer desk should be. I have no computer chair because there isn't enough space, and because the ottoman does a much better job at hiding all the cords from my baby. Sitting on the ottoman to type is not good for my back. 

I read the importance of sleep today. I thought I should go to bed at 10. I failed. Then I read my sister in law's blog. She talked about. She made more sense then the book I read. I well rested mom is a happy mom. But honestly I really like my alone time at night. I don't really care about accomplishing anything, I just love not having people around me.

Back to redecorating my house. I was telling me husband how much I want to, and he said its the spring cleaning bug after a long winter, I said yeah a long winter that lasted 12 months. Last year was a really hard year for me. At the same time, I wonder if I hug my babies long enough will they still little longer than the other ones. Its not working, the more kids I have the faster life goes. Everyone tells me you have no idea how fast it goes, I want to scream at them. I like my grandma's advice better, "Lesli, don't wish their life away." That's why I want to live abroad. That might not make sense. I'm totally overwhelmed by it. Selling my house, moving, jet lag, selling a car, getting to an airport, leaving an airport, buying a new car. But I know if we don't pursue it as far as we can, I will regret it all my days. It might not happen, nothing is official. My husband and I are just dreamers. Some days he convinces me to spend the summer in Colombia if working abroad falls through. Some days he convinces me. Some days he convinces himself. Other days he asks me to backpack with him in Peru while I'm getting ready for 9 am church. Sometimes timing is perfect, other times not so much. 

Fast Sunday Miracle

First off, I'm not done nursing my baby but my 8 year old is trying to learn to fast so I've fasted with him the last two months since we have 9 am church. Yesterday I didn't know if I was going to fast, I didn't really feel that good on Saturday, and I didn't know if it would be the best for me. But I wanted to fast, in the past fasting has always brought me such peace and solace. I've really missed it these last three years of growing babies back to back. So on Saturday evening, I ate a late dinner of a turkey sandwich to fill up on lean protein and went to bed on two glasses of water. (Clearly I'm not going for 24 hour fast.)
I woke up wondering what would be the best, as I got ready I decided I wanted to prove to myself that I could. I wanted to give my spirit control and tell my earthly body you are not the boss of me. It was a wonderful Fast Sunday. I listened to a great lesson about how we talk to those around us and whether we are uplifting them or not. I thought about how so many people are concerned we aren't encouraging girls to fulfill their dreams enough. I keep wondering really this is still a thing? I thought more women got college degrees than men these days? Then I thought maybe I just had an above average childhood. My whole life I was taught I am beautiful, smart, amazing and can achieve anything I want to. For many years I heard my sister was going to be a mathematician. There was no gender inequality in my house. But lets be frank, I was a gangling, dyslexic, not athletically inclined child, the voice in my head could be saying drastically different things. It made me wonder what am I teaching my children's internal monologue to say? Hopefully I am training their brains to say they are amazing, smart, talented, driven, helpful people. Every day I look my daughter in the eyes and tell her she is beautiful. I know I said the other day who cares about beauty I want people to think I'm smart, but I do realize that as a female if you don't feel beautiful most women are going to struggle at feeling like they can achieve anything they want. I came home thinking I can be a better mom, a nicer mom, a more patient mom.

My husband had a meeting after church, so he helped me load them in the mini van, and off we drove without him. Which meant I had to get four kids settled after church by myself. We are all varying degrees of introverts so detoxing from the sociality of church can sometimes be a struggle for them-- for all us of.
I got them settled, put the baby to sleep, and went to break my fast. When I got down to kneel for my prayer I was too tired to kneel. So instead I crawled in bed to relax my back. That is where my husband found me. Eventually  my back spasms seemed to relax and so I knelt down to pray. I went to go eat, I needed to eat to produce my baby's calories. But that's when the miracle happened. I was on the floor with my children, taking turns one by one, asking them what they were good at. Sometimes they say things like my hair is ____, in which case we explain the difference between a skill and a trait. I love that they love their eye color but its hard to build a self-esteem on appearance. After Brent changed his clothes he followed me downstairs, he sat on the couch watching us. All of sudden I looked up and said, do you realize what is happening? He said yes. I knew before I did.

I have not had any patience for any of my kids after church beyond 10 minutes to put them down for a nap in many many months, if not longer, a year maybe more. Most Sundays goes like this, please don't talk to mom, you may have one hug then I need you to go play. (This is not a Sunday exclusive thing, I have no had patience with my children in about, oh 10 months.)

I spent at least an hour with my children, enjoying them, helping them, and then I took a nap.

Nonetheless it was a miracle, and I'm doubt it would have happened if I didn't fast.

Because you see my fast told my body it was not in control. It is my body that gets tired, my body that gets worn down, it was my body that got sick with postpartum depression, it was my spirit that waited in the background giving me the strength to endure to make sure I wouldn't regret anything when I came out of that sickness.

On a side note, I would say my postpartum depression is gone. I wake up and I feel like myself. Its still new and shiny to step back and realize of this is me. That person, the shell of a person that I was for so long was not me. But this is me now. 

Hymns

I appreciated reading some of the hymns from church on Sunday. 

193
I Stand All Amazed

I Stand All Amazed, no. 193

1. I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me,
Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me.
I tremble to know that for me he was crucified,
That for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died.

[Chorus]
Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me
Enough to die for me!
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!

2. I marvel that he would descend from his throne divine
To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,
That he should extend his great love unto such as I,
Sufficient to own, to redeem, and to justify.

3. I think of his hands pierced and bleeding to pay the debt!
Such mercy, such love and devotion can I forget?
No, no, I will praise and adore at the mercy seat,
Until at the glorified throne I kneel at his feet.

Text and music: Charles H. Gabriel, 1856-1932

220
Lord, I Would Follow Thee

Lord, I Would Follow Thee, no. 220

1. Savior, may I learn to love thee,
Walk the path that thou hast shown,
Pause to help and lift another,
Finding strength beyond my own.
Savior, may I learn to love thee—

[Chorus]
Lord, I would follow thee.

2. Who am I to judge another
When I walk imperfectly?
In the quiet heart is hidden
Sorrow that the eye can't see.
Who am I to judge another?

3. I would be my brother's keeper;
I would learn the healer's art.
To the wounded and the weary
I would show a gentle heart.
I would be my brother's keeper—

4. Savior, may I love my brother
As I know thou lovest me,
Find in thee my strength, my beacon,
For thy servant I would be.
Savior, may I love my brother—

Text: Susan Evans McCloud, b. 1945. © 1985 IRI

Music: K. Newell Dayley, b. 1939. © 1985 IRI

273
Truth Reflects upon Our Senses

Truth Reflects upon Our Senses, no. 273

1. Truth reflects upon our senses;
Gospel light reveals to some.
If there still should be offenses,
Woe to them by whom they come!
Judge not, that ye be not judged,
Was the counsel Jesus gave;
Measure given, large or grudged,
Just the same you must receive.

[Chorus]
Blessed Savior, thou wilt guide us,
Till we reach that blissful shore
Where the angels wait to join us
In thy praise forevermore.

2. Jesus said, "Be meek and lowly,"
For 'tis high to be a judge;
If I would be pure and holy,
I must love without a grudge.
It requires a constant labor
All his precepts to obey.
If I truly love my neighbor,
I am in the narrow way.

Text: Eliza R. Snow, 1807-1887; chorus by M. E. Abbey

Music: Charles Davis Tillman, 1861-1943

Not reading

Have you been wondering what I am reading?
Well its a big secret I HAVEN'T BEEN!
I know its a tragedy.
Whatever toxicity that built up in my brain from postpartum depression caused my brain to really struggle with reading again. My dyslexia never has truly gone away, but after about the first year of college I have never struggled at compensating for it, until this summer/fall. I pick up a book and I feel like I'm 15 again, the words jump all over the page. The depression caused my dyslexia to come out guns blazing. So honestly I haven't been reading. I struggled through one book in September for book group and Brent read a book to me and my oldest in October. He also read The Hobbit to us, but I'm not sure how much I listened to, because I can't remember it at all.
Its actually quite embarrassing. I usually read about two books a month, I've read one book in 5 months! People know I'm a reader and so keep asking me if I've read anything interesting lately. The other night someone asked me what book did I read most recently. I was horrified with myself, I truly couldn't remember. (I looked up the book group email.) So it make it up to myself, I read a chapter last night. I'm so proud.

The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency by Alexander McCall Smith
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

I really quite enjoyed this book, but I hardly loved it. I almost read book 2, but never quite made time for it. Well it reality I'm in a bit of a reading slump. I'd probably rate it 3 and half stars. Spoiler alert, I loved the end of the book. I loved what she had to hear to agree. It was a fun read.


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The Giver by Lois Lowry
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

I wanted to love this book. Everyone loves this book right? I remember in fourth grade when EVERYONE read this book, except for me, I didn't have an interest, I'm dyslexic and so I hated reading in fourth grade. This is THE original YA dystopia book, we read most of the YA dystopian out there but this book was fairly boring. My husband and I read it with our 8 year old, so it gave us a ton of great discussions but over all the plot was just *yawn*.
Although I would completely recommend it to any one who wants to discuss choice with their late elementary school age child. My 8 year old has two younger brothers, one a baby and one a two year old, so when he found out their society euthanizes he shed a tear or two. We discussed the topic and hopefully he felt better... What I found extremely sad is when they thought love was an outdated emotion that showed weakness. What a pathetic society.
The book more unique then most of the other YA dystopian because most of the books don't seem to "fix" people's abilities to think, reason, and love, they just try to outlaw it without actually taking it away. The Giver's society was able to stop it. I also found it interest that the bottom of the bottom became birth mothers they were literally breeding a dumber society. But it made me wonder about the ruling elite, were their children/them born of the dumbest of females? Females that were only fit for manual labor?


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Today a librarian that hosts toddler story time at the library asked me if I was going to sign up for the adult winter reading program. Hmm, I said I'll think about it. I'm a pathetic adult I'd rather not try than fail. I should probably sign up to push myself. That has been my goal for the new year to teach myself how to read chapter books again.
I do read all the time still, I'm always reading articles online. I read print magazines too. I read story books to my kids. I actually haven't had a problem reading print magazines, or story books. I'm not sure why the ink on books reacts differently to my brain. When my daughter was reading the I see Sam books this summer I didn't have a problem reading them because I can read simple sentences but the pages definitely bothered my eyes/brain. You know that feeling when you are reading outside on a sunny day, you look up for something then it takes a minute to focus on the page before your eyes can adjust to the change light? Looking at a page that bothers my brain is similar to that, except it takes more work to get my eyes to focus so my brain can interrupt the letters.