More Grace

Last week my husband was taking the CISSP test. Don't ask me more information about it, I know nothing.
Work paid for it, along with a trip to go to a conference to help study.
For the past few months, he had been waking up and studying at least an hour before he went to work in the morning.
He was stressed about taking it, since his employment was paying for it. He didn't want to fail.

I told him, you have done all you can, so now all there is left is to pray and hope God makes up the difference. I understood this principle when I was in school, but I realized I had forgotten it as a mom.

I don't think I'm a lazy mother, I feel like I give my all each day, its never good enough, someone is always annoyed at me, and I'm always both physically and emotionally spent at the end of each day. Motherhood wears me out so much, I'm also not convinced I'm that swell as a wife either.

But I realized the same principle applies. If I'm giving my all, and preparing as much as I can for life/motherhood, I have the opportunity to pray to God and faith that he'll make up the rest.

That doesn't mean you pass every test, or that everyone is happy with you, but does mean you know you gave it more than your all.

Running Shoes

I made an important discovering yesterday.
Its about running shoes.
Sometimes I go to a running shoe store and spend $120+ on running shoes, even though I don't run.
Other times I buy them for half the price online.
I usually switch between Asics and Mizuno. No particular reason other than the sales people at the running stores usually tell me to buy one of those pairs.
I also have to buy narrows, 2A.
In an Asics I'm a 2A 10
In Mizuno, I'm a 2A 10.5

That explains why for the last year and half I've been wearing shoes too big for me and why I'm now returning shoes that are too small for me. Their sizing is different.

8 National Parks

My husband took our family to 8 national parks for spring break. It was insane and a dream trip all in one. We camped all but one night. Not in a RV, in a tent, two nights we had toilets and showers, one night we had latrines but mostly we had dirt. Ok only three nights were dirt. We saw other families but usually they had RVs or tent trailers, or motel reservations. If you see my husband with an RV know there is something terribly wrong.

We saw lots of couples throughout the trip. After awhile I thought hey why didn't we ever do these things pre-kid? Maybe we did a terrible thing starting a family (its easy to think that when multiple kids get diarrhea while traveling.)

When we got married most people told us not to start a family. I found this very confusing since they shared my faith, and as far as I could tell their advice contradicted what is taught in LDS General conference, what is taught in the temple and what the Holy Ghost had told us. But 11 years later I wondered where they right and we were wrong?
(Side note I've had people far older than me ask would I recommend my life schedule to other newlyweds. My answer only if they think it is right for them. I never judge when someone has a baby. It's not my place.)

Then I remembered we were so broke when we were newlyweds. We did school with no loans or grants we had no money for camping gear. It's easy to make financial choices when its between food and toys. We had no money for gas. We knew all this and we knew we wouldn't have money to buy gear for at least 3 years. So having a baby wasn't a hard decision. (You may say expensive. Actually it wasn't. Babies don't actually need much, we were given most of the little they require (people are very generous when babies are born, not so much for funding your vacations.) and the little we did buy cost less then a decent tent. Although I did have to buy a year of diapers.)
All thought those couples looked like they were having fun. Well not all, but most. That will just have to wait until I'm 47.

Sacrament Meeting Talks on Prayer

The talks in Sacrament Meeting were on Prayer. They were good, I appreciated listening to them. They were full of good reminders.
I realized Saturday morning I should pray to have patience at bath and bed time, maybe that will help the spirit in the home on Sunday morning.

Then after my nap and late dinner tonight, I realized I should also pray to have patience after church. Even though I have a testimony of the doctrine and feel edified while listening to the talks and lessons, I'm done after church. I have nothing left to share or give, so I'm often grumpy mommy on Sunday night. It is often discussed as a family because I have to apologize so much Sunday evening. So apparently I need to pray Sunday morning to help my energy levels in the afternoon.

I actually have made great progress on Sundays, I no longer have to hid in my room afternoon, I can make Sunday dinner again, although most Sundays I just help. I also am capable of talking to my children on Sunday. Progress, baby steps.
I can also sit next to my children on the pew, and say hi to people in the halls. I also am capable of asking people how they are doing and I can complement a family on their new baby.
Truly progress over the years.

I'm usually not embarrassed to talk about depression, but those are some embarrassing things to admit. It reminded me of this quote:

(I don't know what this came from, it was on pinterest with no citation.)

But as a reminder Prayer should book end your days. Starting in the morning with a plea to help you with what you can not do alone. And end the day with gratitude for all the times you were helped and admittance of all the times you still need help. Asking forgiveness for your inadequacies.

Remembering Conference

All week this has been going on repeat in my head,

At the conclusion of his visit, he made a comment and asked a question that unsettled my convictions. He said, “Carlos, everything seems to be going well for you, your family, your career, and your service in the Church, but—” and then came the question, “if you continue to live as you are living, will the blessings promised in your patriarchal blessing be fulfilled?”

I had never thought about my patriarchal blessing in this way. I read it from time to time but never with the intent of looking toward the blessings promised in the future and evaluating how I was living in the present.

After his visit, I turned my attention to my patriarchal blessing, wondering, “If we continue to live as we are living, will the promised blessings be fulfilled?” After some pondering, I had the feeling that some changes were necessary, particularly in relation to my education and profession.

It was not a decision between what was right and wrong but between what was good and what was better, as Elder Dallin H. Oaks taught us when he said: “As we consider various choices, we should remember that it is not enough that something is good. Other choices are better, and still others are best” (“Good, Better, Best,”Ensign or Liahona, Nov. 2007, 104–5).

...

The best paths in life are rarely the easiest. .... Are we willing to pay the price for our decisions? Are we prepared to leave our comfort zones to reach a better place? 

 ...

It is very likely that when we decide to take a certain path, the people we love will be affected, and some will even share with us the results of this choice. Ideally, they should be able to see what we see and share our same convictions. This is not always possible, but when it occurs, the journey is much easier.

from
OCTOBER 2014 :THE LORD HAS A PLAN FOR US!
The Lord Has a Plan for Us! By Elder Carlos A. Godoy Of the Seventy

medications

I realized the other day if the essential oil I started using back in July 2014 didn't work, like immediately I would be on medication right now.

I don't have a problem with people using anti-depressant medication, I've always said you do what you need to do. Whatever works for you. 

After I had my 2nd baby, time is what cured me. It took us so long to realize what was going on, I think I was almost out of the water. Plus I didn't really know how to go about advocating for my care. Also my depression that time where so no where near as severe as this time. Eventually I did make sure I was eating healthy meals three times a day, and I started exercising regularly, but as anyone knows who has really struggled with mental health, those help but they are not cures. I wasn't opposed to medication in those days, but I really didn't even know how to go about getting help, and by the time I could have figured it out I was out of the water. I probably should have been on medication then, and time does not always fix things. Time would have not fixed things this time around it. It would have only gotten worse.

This past time, I knew things went from fine but struggling to meet the demands of my life, to terrible, in less than weeks. And I knew something needed to happen fast. I wondered how and where I should go see a doctor. I didn't really want to tell my husband how bad things had gotten, but then I realized I couldn't really hide doctors appointments and babysitting fees. So I told him. He told me, nah I think you are doing really well. I said, I'm really not, I feel like I won't survive. (Of course he thought I was doing well, I was trying to hide it from him. I never hide anything from him, to the point of a fault, I am the queen of the overshare wife, so I don't know why I try to hide this time, maybe it was the depression.)  He quickly changed his approach and set a course of action. He thought before I worked on getting a doctor I trusted (because other than my OB, I had not seen a doctor in this state), I need a support group. So he got me that, and they put me on essential oils and supplements as I worked on getting a doctor. I started the essential oils, and I was able to function. Some days where terrible and some were ok. But I could actually think when I was using them regularly. The supplement I start was a suggestion for my sister in law. I understand the sentiment, "It saved my life" I think I always planned to see a doctor, but who knows what happened... I did eventually 8 months later... apparently I'm a terrible patient. 

Every so often I think maybe I should be on medication instead, then I run into a friend who says, oh I've been so stressed this month, I've had to double up my anti-anxiety meds. Or wow, I've had a really bad week, but thankfully it will get better, since I'm on meds I do know that bad days are only bad days. So apparently everyone has bad days no matter their dosage.

As I recently mention, January I figured out things where bad again, and my plan was to find a doctor the following day. (I'm not happy with the doctor I saw a couple of times last year. Somethings where very helpful other times I feel like she was lacking some expertise I would have appreciated. I've very dissatisfied with her giving me a z-pac for strep. Since we were talking meds here I wanted a doctor with a strong pharmaceutical knowledge.) Anyway, so I was going to find a new doctor. I decided my essential oils had outlived their usefulness, when all of a sudden I realized I wasn't depressed I was extremely anxious. So I looked up oils for anxiety. Spent lots of money ordering new blends, but less money that new patient visit is, and figured I'd give it a week. I have successfully survived two IEP (individualized education plan) for two kids this past few weeks, something I wouldn't have been able to do without some sort of care. 

Actually in January multiple people noticed something was wrong with me, before I did. They didn't know what was happening, because they had limited interactions with me but multiple friends kept asking me if I was ok. I actually SUPER appreciate it. Actually one friend who is probably more of an acquaintance because I don't think we've ever hung out, but I do consider her a friend, came up and asked me if everything was ok, because it looks like I've lost weight and that is a worry. Mind you, we have never hung out, so we've never talk about deep things, so she was really going out on a limb asking me this. We had figured out something was wrong by this point, so it didn't catch me off guard. But I just so appreciate that she was willing to go there. 

Anyway, I'm beyond off topic. This was suppose to be short. I just wanted to record my startling revelation that I would have had to go on meds. And once again, that is 100% ok, you do what you do to be ok. Sometimes I'm not sure I took the right path, but we are more than surviving, and we are here. So I guess was a fine path. Of course there is always multiple paths, and as far as my health goes I'm often questioning whether it is the best path. I'm not sure you ever know the best path when you are living chronic illness. Maybe its because there is no ideal path in those situations. Maybe the reason I always question it, is because I'm not cured. I'm not opposed to medications and those are always in the back of my mind, that tomorrow is never too late to go to the doctor if today doesn't work too many times in a row. Currently I think I have more good days, then bad days, so we are obviously making progress. When my husband says, its good to see you happy, then I guess our path is working.

Recovered from travel

Now that I don't have strep,
Now that I've slept through the night for two months, (I couldn't sleep well with strep.)
Now that I don't have parasites,
Now that my gut isn't suffering from an antibiotic that killed everything except the strep,
Now that my anxiety is under control,

I miss traveling.

I guess that's why I fell in love with my husband he's always planning an adventure.

(He had a business trip to San Francisco last weekend, I would have loved to go with him. Play all day while he was busy then hang out in the evening with him. He's from that neck of the woods so he's always loved it, but this time he came back in love with it. I missed an adventure with him....)