Friday, March 4, 2016


I realized the other day if the essential oil I started using back in July 2014 didn't work, like immediately I would be on medication right now.

I don't have a problem with people using anti-depressant medication, I've always said you do what you need to do. Whatever works for you. 

After I had my 2nd baby, time is what cured me. It took us so long to realize what was going on, I think I was almost out of the water. Plus I didn't really know how to go about advocating for my care. Also my depression that time where so no where near as severe as this time. Eventually I did make sure I was eating healthy meals three times a day, and I started exercising regularly, but as anyone knows who has really struggled with mental health, those help but they are not cures. I wasn't opposed to medication in those days, but I really didn't even know how to go about getting help, and by the time I could have figured it out I was out of the water. I probably should have been on medication then, and time does not always fix things. Time would have not fixed things this time around it. It would have only gotten worse.

This past time, I knew things went from fine but struggling to meet the demands of my life, to terrible, in less than weeks. And I knew something needed to happen fast. I wondered how and where I should go see a doctor. I didn't really want to tell my husband how bad things had gotten, but then I realized I couldn't really hide doctors appointments and babysitting fees. So I told him. He told me, nah I think you are doing really well. I said, I'm really not, I feel like I won't survive. (Of course he thought I was doing well, I was trying to hide it from him. I never hide anything from him, to the point of a fault, I am the queen of the overshare wife, so I don't know why I try to hide this time, maybe it was the depression.)  He quickly changed his approach and set a course of action. He thought before I worked on getting a doctor I trusted (because other than my OB, I had not seen a doctor in this state), I need a support group. So he got me that, and they put me on essential oils and supplements as I worked on getting a doctor. I started the essential oils, and I was able to function. Some days where terrible and some were ok. But I could actually think when I was using them regularly. The supplement I start was a suggestion for my sister in law. I understand the sentiment, "It saved my life" I think I always planned to see a doctor, but who knows what happened... I did eventually 8 months later... apparently I'm a terrible patient. 

Every so often I think maybe I should be on medication instead, then I run into a friend who says, oh I've been so stressed this month, I've had to double up my anti-anxiety meds. Or wow, I've had a really bad week, but thankfully it will get better, since I'm on meds I do know that bad days are only bad days. So apparently everyone has bad days no matter their dosage.

As I recently mention, January I figured out things where bad again, and my plan was to find a doctor the following day. (I'm not happy with the doctor I saw a couple of times last year. Somethings where very helpful other times I feel like she was lacking some expertise I would have appreciated. I've very dissatisfied with her giving me a z-pac for strep. Since we were talking meds here I wanted a doctor with a strong pharmaceutical knowledge.) Anyway, so I was going to find a new doctor. I decided my essential oils had outlived their usefulness, when all of a sudden I realized I wasn't depressed I was extremely anxious. So I looked up oils for anxiety. Spent lots of money ordering new blends, but less money that new patient visit is, and figured I'd give it a week. I have successfully survived two IEP (individualized education plan) for two kids this past few weeks, something I wouldn't have been able to do without some sort of care. 

Actually in January multiple people noticed something was wrong with me, before I did. They didn't know what was happening, because they had limited interactions with me but multiple friends kept asking me if I was ok. I actually SUPER appreciate it. Actually one friend who is probably more of an acquaintance because I don't think we've ever hung out, but I do consider her a friend, came up and asked me if everything was ok, because it looks like I've lost weight and that is a worry. Mind you, we have never hung out, so we've never talk about deep things, so she was really going out on a limb asking me this. We had figured out something was wrong by this point, so it didn't catch me off guard. But I just so appreciate that she was willing to go there. 

Anyway, I'm beyond off topic. This was suppose to be short. I just wanted to record my startling revelation that I would have had to go on meds. And once again, that is 100% ok, you do what you do to be ok. Sometimes I'm not sure I took the right path, but we are more than surviving, and we are here. So I guess was a fine path. Of course there is always multiple paths, and as far as my health goes I'm often questioning whether it is the best path. I'm not sure you ever know the best path when you are living chronic illness. Maybe its because there is no ideal path in those situations. Maybe the reason I always question it, is because I'm not cured. I'm not opposed to medications and those are always in the back of my mind, that tomorrow is never too late to go to the doctor if today doesn't work too many times in a row. Currently I think I have more good days, then bad days, so we are obviously making progress. When my husband says, its good to see you happy, then I guess our path is working.

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