I went to my dental appointment yesterday, which means I spent almost an hour with my dental hygienist and one and half minutes with my dentist. I really like my dental hygienist. When we moved here we went to a closer dental office but I was never satisfied with our services, I won't get into all of it, but at one point they had to redo their redo of my filling because they messed up. Long and short of it, never had a problem until they "fixed it". Not to mention their hygienist gave me extreme anxiety it was so painful seeing her.
So when I switched offices I need some place very gentle. This hygienist fits the bill! She is so calm and motherly. She has four adult or almost adult daughters, and because she sees me every 6 months and your mouth is a window to your health, she knows ALL about all my health problems.
Yesterday she was so excited for me, she said your mouth is looking so good, you must be feeling better. I said I am, my baby turns 2 next week, so you know its about time.
She then said, so is it time to have another? I replied I don't think its ever time for that again. She said oh its going to be hard, I have four and once I decided I was at my limit, that maternal instinct pulled hard. I said oh, I know exactly what you mean.
We then proceed to talk about how challenging it is when you know you are at your limit but your biological clock won't stop. I actually really appreciated her bring it up. Its not the type of thing you can bring up with a lot of people, and so I often feel like I'm silently suffering.
My husband tries to be sympathetic but he really just doesn't understand. I don't even understand, he is right, I don't like babies. I didn't like them before I had them, I didn't like them when I had them, so why am I craving a baby?
I'm not even craving a baby, its just its hard, growing humans is one of the things my body is designed to do. As an unborn baby I was hardwired for growing babies, a female baby is born with all the eggs she will ever have. My husband said something the other day and I replied. Well actually I'm great at growing babies. I grow full term healthy big babies, I am able to breastfeed as long as I want to, I grow babies that move early and are rarely sick as long as I'm breastfeeding. My problem is my body is better at growing other humans, then it is taking care of itself. My body puts everything it has into that baby, until it literally hurts for me to move, and I can barely hold that baby.
Three appointments ago, I did not tell my dental hygienist I was having health problems, but my mouth and gums were so bad, she asked what was up. I said, well I'm postpardum, I have depression. As the visit went on I listed off half a dozen other bizarre medical problems.
So she has been on this roller coaster with me, she either has a great memory, or she writes more in her notes then just my dental history. It was such a relief to tell someone I feel like I'm in mourning that I'll never have another baby, even though I know its the right choice for my family. I guess it was so liberating I'm blogging about it...