Sunday, January 25, 2015

Pretend Conversation

Please do not tell me I am the only one to have fake conversations in my head?
You know a continuation of a conversation.
Or telling some one off when instead you felt quiet and awkward.

Well recently the fake conversation in my head, included:
-I got my degree in Political Science
[....] (honestly I forgot most of this pretend conversation)
-Oh really you did?
[...] More blah blah blah
-Oh I yes I miss being in school. 
Yes, I only miss my political science classrooms about once a day.

As you can see this non existent conversation had a lot more of me feeling forlorn than any real words. I can't even remember who it was suppose to be with.

But since I have done nothing with my chosen educational path other than research my votes and reading the news you can see where my political/educational  abandonment comes from. (Voting is far from my love, I love political philosophy/theory, I love discussing what makes politics or voters tick. Not changing the world, I don't need to change the world. Although my dream job would have been a lobbyist. Which pretty much horrifies everyone I've ever met except one lady who's daughter was a telecommuting work at home mom lobbyist and my husband.)

The most intellectually stimulating thing I have done since school is reading classics and non-fiction and writing goodread reviews on them.

Don't get me wrong, me, myself and I choose to stay home with my children, I choose to get pregnant  four different times. I choose my life, and I'm glad I did, it can be very rewarding but pregnancy, potty training and teaching small children to read is more akin to bashing my head against the wall, then being valued my for my opinions. When I was getting my degree no one every screamed.

I guess that's the reason I married my husband, if I was going to put my career plans on hold/completely change them, then I wanted/needed to marry someone who values my opinion, who tells me good point, who thinks I'm smart.

Every so often I hear older men say something to the effect of every woman/girl deserves to hear she is beautiful. Sure that is great and all, (and we do tell my daughter she is beautiful a million times a day) but doesn't every girl deserve to be educated and to meet people who value her intelligence and her opinions. Being told you are pretty is so superficial in compared to being told you are smart. That is where it is at. Then again memes on the internet tell me its only the pretty girls who complain they aren't told they are smart enough. I disagree its not pretty girls, its girl who's intellect is unappreciated.

Did you catch that a minute ago? The most intellectually stimulating thing I've done since school is reading classics. I do love discussing politics with my husband but we are pretty similar in our views, I'm a little more liberal/compassionate, he is a little more free market, libertarian in his. But overall we are probably about two points different on the scale of whatever non party goers political views could be.

I hate fighting so I rarely discuss politics with people. I do love to discuss politics but I do not love to fight and argue over anything even my love of politics. When you argue you lose control over yourself, and I am a control freak and so I do not like to give people control over my emotions. Which means I rarely open my mouth. I'm a little too liberal for most of my community. Plus I can't stand talking to people who base all of their opinions on passion and none on reason, so I just hush up. (It does not have to be MY reason, just SOME reason or logic. I took a the first philosophy class in college so I hate when people use fallacious argument after fallacious argument. Also I wish I paid closer attention so I still knew the names of all the fallacies.) Plus I can barely stand listening to someone who's only ability is to regurgitate FoxNews pundits. To be equal opportunity I'm sure people who regurgitate some liberal source of pundits would also drive me crazy but I've spent almost all my life in red state areas. In fact I often wish I lived somewhere blue so I could get a more middle ground newsfeed on Facebook.

Which means in the last 8 years I've spent a lot of time missing the opportunity to discuss political theory with people who don't share my views but are willing to discuss difference of opinions like rational adults instead of whiny preschoolers. I miss the respect that comes from implying lets agree to disagree, I value you for your opinions even if I don't agree. I miss bringing up a new and opposing point and getting praise from my professors on my realist views in a sea of optimist idealists.

I honestly can't think of a single time someone has said, wow that was an amazing diaper change. So you can see why I sometimes miss my political science classrooms. That being said, I'm not childish enough to think, my whole life needs to be fulfilling and validating. Parts of school sucked. Parts of being a mom suck, parts are boring. And I'm positive if I had a job outside of my house it would be the same way. I do find my chosen profession wildly fulfilling, just in a different way. In a way of it is so nice that my baby one week before his first birthday FINALLY started sleeping through the night. In a way that its so nice when they leave my house and have a successful day in school, when they come home with their testing scores and their little walking person is in the DARK green area. How my husband and I made so many genius children I will never know, because I've never thought of myself as particularly smart. My walking person would have never been as close to the edge as theirs.  Which explains all the typos in my blog posts, with four kids I literally do not have enough time to edit my posts enough if I ever want to press the orange publish button.

No comments:

Post a Comment