Needing to move on

The other day someone asked me about social outings for stay at home mothers. I said you know, I really don't know, I've been so busy with these little guys, and I've had postpartum depression on and off for the last year and half.
Her response, but isn't it important to get out of the house and talk with other people when you are depressed?
I honestly have no idea what my response was, but what I wanted to say was, yes, please tell me more. What else should I be doing?
Have a better diet, thanks, I've never heard that before.
Exercise more, thanks, another sage tip
Get more sleep, or are you going to say make sure I never sleep more than 8 hours.
We could go on and on and on if you would like.

Yes, this conversation has been so enlightening, I'm so glad we had it.

I didn't say any of those things, but I was caught off guard of the audacity of her to tell me what I should be doing to manage my depression. I don't mind, people saying, oh, I tried this, but I felt like her response was different.

That being said, I need to move on, I'm sure she meant no offense.

Not quite two

Ikey turns 2 at the end of the month, and I'd say he right on schedule. He doesn't look as babish.

 
He started running by bending his knees.
He finally enjoys Nursery.
He's learned how to sing the "clean up, clean up," over and over. He can also sing "ashes, ashes, ashes," over and over.
Its adorable.
He loves babies, both real and fake. Although his interest is much more like a fun uncle than a little nuturer.
He is obsessed with Nemo and all things with wheels on it. For Christmas Turbo gave him a Lightning McQueen car because they were having problems sharing. For his birthday I think Turbo is going to give him a Mater. Same problem.
I guess I'm in the stage I need two of every toy.

A few months ago I realized he wasn't really talking except for guteral baby gibberish. (we joke he's our German baby, considering our last name.) He only said Momma, and baby. So I figured I've watched enough speech therapy with my daughter. I can either get him talking or know he needs an actual therapist. My daughter's pediatrician said she needs 5 words. I figured I want Ike to have 10 consistent words or I'd bring it up at his 24 month well child check. After working with him, he is completely capable he just doesn't worry about it.

He will now say Dada if prompted.
He can say all his siblings names.
He sings two songs.
He can say vroom vroom.
Two days after I got concerned in the middle of a conversation with his older siblings Ike added, "and -osh."
Last night he said everybody.
He can say his own name, although he doesn't like to, and prefers be-be-be-be.
He says more and milk although they sound very very similar.
Josh taught him digger two days ago.
He woofs and can sort of say dog.

About 3 months ago he became particular about his clothes and looks at what I put on him.

He also likes playing with little plastic animals. In the words of his grandma he has his ducks in a row-- He can make a line of cars back to back. He also loves playing with rubber ducks.
He is also obsessed with the toilet and wonders why nothing happens when he stands in front of it. I could probably potty train him, but I'd rather wait for his gross motor skills to develop a bit. I'm thinking late this summer.

Getting it Out There

A month ago in church, the Baptism coordinator came up to me and said, you have a baptism coming up soon huh?
I almost passed out. Literally, immediately my heart raced and my body tensed up.

She was still SIX!

I responded, you mean in 13 months? She hasn't even turned 8 yet.

And she giggled, oh yeah she's a December birthday, her baptism will probably be in January but she turns 8 next year.

I know her baptism is coming up, I think about it probably weekly. I hug her bony body

and wonder what happened to my baby?

Sure she was never a fat baby, but at least I couldn't feel every bone.

Do you know how long she's been counting down to her baptism? Since she turned 6.

Do you know how long I mourned that I would never buy her another dress in the toddler section? I stopped wanting to cry in the toddler section about 6 months ago.

Her cousins that she plays with are starting to get baptized, her friends are starting to get baptized, I know its coming, but I'm not ready to pass off the next 12 months.

She still has 12 months where the Light of Christ will save her. There is something happens once they turn 8, they are capable of concrete thinking. I don't know how to explain it, but its different. I was so excited for my oldest to turn 8, for this new milestone. With her I just want to hold on to her baby years a little bit longer. And I have that bit long, I have 11 months left.

When we moved here she was 2 and half. She wasn't in primary yet. She was in Nursery. I was primary teacher the second Sunday we lived here I taught the kids who were turning 8 that year. They were the first people I met in the ward. Do you know what they are doing now, they are passing the Sacrament. I look at them and I think what happened to my CTR 8 year olds? When did they grow up. I knew them when they still were practically babies. I have a freakish sense of time, its extremely overwhelming, I can see seeds of it in two of my boys, and I have only sympathy for them, when they tell me their concerns with time passing. I feel it, extremely deeply. Its rough, she is so excited about her baptism. She talks about it weekly, I'm not excited, but I can't tell her that. So I hug her bony body cradled in my arms like she is a baby, as she giggles because she loves to be held like a baby. Which is ironic, since she never liked to be held like a baby as a baby. Either fully upright, or screaming. If I could go back and do it again, would I? No, it was a lot of work, but I earned that work, and so now I don't have to wish she would grow up faster. Sure I wish she wouldn't cry when I ask her to brush her hair, but that doesn't mean I wish she was done with first grader. Second grade is far too old for me.
Kindergarten, 1st grade and 2nd are my favorite age by far. Younger then that and they are so exasperating. Older than that and they get too close to the tween stage. We have a full on tween in the house and I dread the teenage years already.

Eleventh Anniversary

Wouldn't it be lovely to have a long relaxed anniversary?

Yeah, I wouldn't know.

I got married December 30th. The majority of our anniversaries are spent at packed relatives houses. Don't get me wrong, I love our families but I'm sure no one is going to write a Rom-Com movie about an 11th anniversary spent in grandma's sewing room with three kids on the floor. 

Usually we sneak in a quick movie or dinner. I know my husband enjoys spending down time with me but I'm not sure likes "dates". So our anniversaries are low key.

People have suggest celebrating it a different time of year, but that doesn't work for us. I can't just celebrate it a random day it has to have significance. So I thought about important dates. When Brent and I were officially a couple... July 3rd. Fourth of July weekend doesn't really work, too busy with another holiday.

When we got engaged, my birthday, maybe September 25 or 27, I'm not really sure. Yeah, my birthday would be a bad time to celebrate us.

Our half anniversary is June 30th, once again pretty close to 4th of July. I can not think of anything significant to celebrate in the spring...

Anyway, back to my anniversary. But first, lets say, I thought about different days that would have been better. I actually couldn't come up with any, some people get married before christmas, some after, I picked after, and considering I'm normally very busy before Christmas and our daughter is born on the 12th, the 30th is much better than the 20th. So this year I accepted the date as what it is.

The 30th this year was actually a lovely morning. Cold and cloudy but lovely. I really wanted a picture of Brent and I at the Mount Timpanogos temple because its been YEARS since we've been there together. So we *randomly* woke up about 30 minutes early. Probably a blessing from the Lord, not random, Brent and I don't wake up early. I said to him, perfect lets go to the temple. He asked, is that what you really want to do? I jumped up of course!

 So we went without kids, walked around the temple in below freezing weather. Took a bunch of selfies, reminisced about being engaged and getting married. Made one loop around the temple and jumped back in the car. 

THEN

THEN

You'll never believe what happened, Brent willingly took me to a donuts shop I've wanted to try for YEARS! (I should say, I never once asked to go there before that day)

It was 45 minutes and truly a blessing from the Lord.

Because he knew what he had in store for me. 

My oldest son after two days at cousins houses came back. He wouldn't look at me, or talk to me, I wondered what happened. When he fell asleep playing legos. I thought oh it all makes sense, he was sick. (All his aunts said he had a blast up there, and after 20 hours on antibiotics he had plenty of fun to tell me about.)

So at 5 o'clock on my anniversary I took my 3 year old, my 9 year old and me to instacare. (My three year old also spent the whole day sleeping.) I wanted to throw myself a pity party but there was no time for that. We all had strep. I'm pretty sure I've had strep since before Thanksgiving. I did take a z-pac in the middle of December, but I never felt better.

After we left instacare, my pity plans were getting really close to the surface, when he hit the crest of the hill in Lindon on State Street.  I could see the Temple, the Temple I got married in, 11 years, and 6 hours ago. It was all lit up, and everything else was dark and cloudy.

My only thoughts were, the Lord is mindful. If he cares about the lilies of the field, and the birds of the field he knows what is going on with me.

I am a girl who is always looking for a miracle, who literally believes I can get a priesthood blessing, and take up my bed and walk. I've seen it happen, I've felt it happen. But that is not what the Lord was giving me on my 11th anniversary. But he did tell me, he is mindful of me.

Now, I have to finish my story. 

I dropped my sick boys back off at their grandma's with their dad, and went to get our prescriptions filled. With this new sense of hope. 

An hour later when I got back, I had 5 people (the other two had been to the Doctor the 23rd, and 26th) to give antibiotics to, and by this time it was past bedtime, I still had not eaten dinner, and I just spent an hour in the walmart. (I'm not a walmart hater, but I do hate the Lindon walmart.) 

I yelled at my husband in front of his sister, sister in law, parents, children, nieces and nephews. Because you know me, I like to keep it real. His father offered to take me to dinner. Instead I medicated my children, feed my three year old dinner (because he was magically hungry the minute he saw me), while we put everyone else to bed. Then we went to Iceberg for a late dinner. Yes, I really am that simple of a wife I just want protein, french fries and a milkshake for my anniversary. We then had an enjoyable time eating fries and ice cream, until we decided the employees wanted to lock up. Considering it was the first time we had spent any amount of quality time together since we left the airport after our trip to Spain, it really was an enjoyable hour talking. (I know I had to add that part, because Brent always likes to tease me for my whining. Oh poor, Lesli, she didn't get a date for 4 weeks after she got home from Europe.)

Two days later when we left town, I also yelled at my husband, I blame it on trying to open 5 child proof caps again, just like on our anniversary. Ok, I should take responsibility for myself. But overall I'm very tired, and I'm not that good a delegating work to my husband when it comes to packing. I don't know how to get him to help when he doesn't know who's shoes, socks, toothbrush, coat, etc is whos. That isn't a complaint its just a statement. He is super helpful at bedtime but it's hard for him remember who's tooth brush is who's. 

If he would have been given the task to give out the antibiotics, he would have asked, how much do I give each kid? And I would probably have yelled the response, I don't know, I read the package just like everyone else. (Between the four kids they were on three different types of liquid antibiotics, and they all had different doses because they weigh different amounts. Plus trying to remember to take my antibiotic too, has made me wonder if I'm losing my mind. I have to keep counting my antibiotic pills to see if I've taken my dose.) Overall its sweet that Brent thinks I can keep track of things that I can't keep track of. (My list keeping is my saving grace. I probably  have 3-4+ lists going at all times in the kitchen, I just have too much to keep in my head.)  I should also add, I never gave a child an antibiotics until my oldest was 5, so I don't have 10 years of experience only 5. That's not enough practice for 5 sick people at once.

Overall you add some more embellishments like someone puking during the strep test (thankfully that didn't happen) and this actually might be quite a humorous movie. I'm thinking the same genre as Date Night. Considering my freakishly strong redheaded three year old is terrified of scales and a doctor can't give you a prescription without weighing a kid, we do have some gold in this story. Yes, I hold him to get his weight, yes, he is still terrified kicking and thrashing about. 

We should start the movie with the drive out to Utah. When my daughter threw up in the car. Who knows if was carsickness or strep, probably both. But it was -2 degrees out, and the wipes kept freezing on me as I was trying to clean it up. 

It was beautiful. 

Motherhood is swell. 

Its a good thing I'm madly in love with Brent. I'd gladly spend an anniversary like that as long as I spent the beginning and the end with Brent.

A list not stories

Don't you wish I was writing down all the little tender mercies in my life.
Me too, but today I don't have time. So maybe I'll make a list so I can remember to write them down.

• Buying a bag of cookies and cream Hershey kisses a few days before Halloween that then sat in my fridge a month.
• A wand the same a fly swatter?
• Another one I can't remember, but I wish I could. Maybe once I write those I'll remember

Lastly, the time my friend decided to buy a second bag of egg noodles.

Canyoneering

A few months ago my husband got invited to go Canyoneering. I told him he could only go if his brother went. I didn't feel the need for him to scratch his outdoor itch, but I didn't mind him having brother bonding.

The night before he left I was close to a melt down. The last time he had gone anywhere for pleasure without me was pretty much the worst 10 days of my life. Normally I'm a fairly accommodating wife and my husband has his fair share of fun. But its been a rough while in my life lately. When I was on the verge of tears, I asked what am I going to do without you? (Physically I've felt fairly run down for the past few weeks, which isn't helping my mental health.)

He said you are going to take your medicine three times a day and be a super mom. You are always a super mom when I'm gone, but then you are going to fall to pieces when I get home and that is ok, because I'll be back by then to pick up everything.

Bizarrely enough that was enough for me.

I then asked, so you'll carve pumpkins with the kids for me when you get home and I don't have to be there if I don't want to be? I can leave or hide, if I'm not up to it?

He said of course.

I then wondered why I hate carving pumpkins so much. And we remembered he has gone on a lot of October business trips. My rule has always been he can't travel over Halloween, so he usually shows up the day of, and I'm carving pumpkins before we walk out the door for Trunk or Treat. The only thing I hate more than carving pumpkins is moldy pumpkins so we always carve less than 6 days in advance.

Yeah, I hate carving pumpkins, I'm not sure I'll ever go back to liking it.

I want this...

Overall I'm too nice of a mom. If we were only carving one I could handle that, but I hate carving multiples.

Regression

Not only has my depression come back, my carpel tunnel came back a few weeks ago. I started sleeping with my brace, and I have to do my hand weights regularly, or I would have to start wearing my brace in the day again.
Its so discouraging.
But I do think my depression is starting to lift a bit. Either that or setting the alarm on my phone is the best thing every, three times a day it goes off to remind myself to medicate.
Without the alarm on my good days I forget I need it, then the good days are followed with three bad days.

Luckily my hair has come back. Well not my hair, but my scalp was producing this weird buildup on my hair. My guess it was similar to the massive amount of plaque my teeth had acquired. Eight months ago at the dentist my hygienist asked what was going on, she couldn't believe how swollen my salivary glands were, and wondered why it seemed like I had stopped brushing my teeth. My salivary glands fixed themselves sooner than my hair. With all my nursing babies, my hair produced weird buildup, but with the babies back to back, it took over a year to get my hair to feel clean. I've finally gotten it back. Its lovely. Although weird all at the same time. I finally had body to my hair, now its back to fine and soft. Which is amazing, I won't lie. But I did kind of like being able to have almost big hair, but I'd rather have touchable hair.