A year later I finally got us some help. It takes a while to get the answers.
This lady's second child was her first daughter, who cried non stop for years. She said she honestly never got easier she just got different. If I would have ever had another child that hard I would have never made it to 7. I didn't have another child that hard, and my daughter is much much easier now then she was then but I did had another colic infant who lasted longer than 2 months, who didn't sleep thought the night until after he was a year old. Yeah, I'm not making it to 7.
If I could have a guarantee that I would have a happy baby, or not be depressed or have a pregnancy where I could walk to the mail box, I could consider another kid, but there are no guarantees and I can never do that ALL again.
Life is what it is.
Some people have lots of daughters, some have none, some have two and some have one. Some have happy babies, some have sickly. Thankfully I've never had chronic illness in the family, but I have had two babies who hated being babies, another who cried when I picked him up. I also am still so tired after having miserable baby and a toddler with an anxiety. A friend told me, you have dealt with chronic illness, if depression lasts past the baby's first birthday, I'd classify it as chronic. Hmm, that caused me to ponder.
Sometimes I feel bad my children aren't mediocre and other times I accept it for what it is. (I know who wishes their children were mediocre? Me, an average child probably isn't all its cracked up to be but it sounds so nice. I doubt it even exists.)
Some people love pregnancy, some people love newborns. While some of make sure our children eat food, any food. Other people are good a sports, other people are good at taking standardized tests. While others of have a great smile (what does that even mean, when someone says that?) Some people wear the color pink well, some people bounce back after pregnancy, other lose more than they gained when the baby is only 9 months old-- not healthy it classifies you as sick, other take years if they ever lose it. (Please never tell a person struggling to put on weight you are jealous of them, its not healthy and our society should not immortalize that. Its sick.) Some people have children who say, I love my mom, other people make their children cry because its time to sweep the floor. That's probably not mutually exclusive. Some love being friendly and throwing parties, others like me hid in the house. Recently I was told I'm a good listener. I almost cried I never imagined someone would tell me that. Some people get pregnant without even trying, some take months and years, other never get pregnant, while still even others pay doctors lots of money to get pregnant. I always wonder do those mothers love their children more? I asked my sister that when my daughter was about 20 months old and spent all three hours of church crying. She said, maybe in the beginning, but eventually they will hit a rough phase and wonder what they have done to their life. I'm grateful to be in a phase where I don't wonder what I've done to my life. It is what is.
Sometimes I wonder if I should see a therapist instead of keep this blog going?