Wonders what my children will think of me in 20 years?
What will they remember?
They definitely won't remember anything of being a toddler, but what?
What will I do in their childhood that they will remember? Good or bad?

Time Passing

Are you one of those lucky people with a hypersnesitive awareness of time's speed?  Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat Pray Love, discusses it on page 153.  I have this hypersensitive awareness of time, I always think my four year old is one day away from being an adult.  And he is, I remember being four and now I'm an adult.  My grandma told me, told me don't wish their life away.  I try not to, but I struggle if my son isn't a baby life is over, next thing you know we are all dead.  I really struggle after family reunions and other such things, so its so fun, but before you know it its over, so I wonder why we ever leave our house anyway?
If it all ends so quickly why even attempt.  I know my mom struggles with my discouraging outlook, but I can't help it is the way my brain thinks.  At least I don't let it take captive, I do go on vacation, I do go spend time with family and friends. But I'm prone to negative realism, I just can't help it.

Toys and Guilt?

Did you know toys bring me great guilt in life?  I could go on and on about all the reasons, but I'll just pick a few for this post.
Tricycles! My number one guilt. When my son was two, he had a plastic riding toy, but not a tricycle with pedals.  My mother offered to buy him a respectable bike, but I told her no.  I didn't need help, I was picking and choosing what we bought.  I had more self control in those days.
Fast forward two years, and my neighbor taught  my son to pedal his bike, because we had no success with him.  All this I know emotional blame on his lack of tricycle. I should have remedied the situation at some point, but he just seemed too old to now buy a trike.  So I bought my daughter a trike before she probably needed one.  But then crazies of crazies I bought a pink barbie one instead of a unisex Deigo one.  I don't know what I was thinking.  So now my son rides a pink barbie one.  And speaking of crazies of crazies this won't even the thing he complains to his therapist some day, it will be something I didn't even know was wrong.  The barbie trike is a a coveted toy, one of my son's friends always asks me to bring it out so he can ride it. (In retrospect I don't think his lack of pedaling has anything to do without a trike.)

Anyway, so as you can see toys can make an emotional wreck.  For a while I kept telling me husband we just need these toys, then we'll be set.  I thought my son need one of each pretend.  Then I realized that was crazy and my rentals couldn't house such madness. But the one thing I feel guilty about other than tricycles is music toys.  My son wants a xylophone desperately, and he has always wanted a little trikes drum, but it is so expensive, $20?  Anyway, I guess I should suck it up and buy them someday, before its too late.

Quotes

Quotes from Eat Pray Love, by Elizabeth Gilbert.
"To find the balance you want," Ketut spoke through his translator, "this is what you must become.  You must keep your feet grounded so firmly on the earth that it's like you have four legs, instead of two.  That way you can stay in the world.  But you must stop looking at the world through your head.  You must look through your heart instead.  That way you know God." p.27
"Moreover, I couldn't stop thinking about what my sister had said to me once, as she was breastfeeding her first born: Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face.  You really need to be certain it's what you want before you commit." p.10
"True wisdom gives the only possible answer at any given moment, and that night, going back to be bed was the only possible answer. Go back to bed, said this omniscient interior voice, because you don't need to know the final answer right now, at three o'clock in the morning on a Thursday in November.  ...Go back to bed so that, when the tempest comes, you'll be strong enough to deal with it." p. 16
"The great Sufi poet and philosopher Rumi once advised his students to write down the three things they most wanted in life.  If any item on the list clashes with any other item, Rumi warned, you are destined for unhappiness. Better to live a life of single -pointed focus, he taught. p.29
"Depression and Loneliness track me down after about ten days in Italy. ... They come upon me all silent and menacing like Pinkerton Detectives, and they flank me-- Depression on my left, Loneliness on my right.  They don't need to show me their badges.  I know these guys very well.  We've been playing a cat-and-mouse games for years now.  Though I admit that I am surprised to meet them in this elegant Italian garden at dusk.  ... Then they frisk me.  They empty my pockets of any job I had been carrying there.  Depression even confiscates my identity; but he always does that.  Then loneliness starts interrogating me, which I dread because it always goes on for hours.  He's polite but relentless, and he always trips me up eventually." p. 46-47
"There were a few years there, lost in borderless despair, when I used to experience all the world's sadness as my own.  Everything sad leaked through me and left damp traces behind." p.101
"But I felt a glimmer of happiness when I started studying Italian, and when you sense a faint potentiality for happiness after such dark times you must grab onto the ankles of that happiness and not let go until it drags you face first out of the dirt-- this is not selfishness but obligation. You were given life; it is your duty (and also your entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight." p.115


"There's a reason they call God a presence-- because God is right  here, right now. In the present is the only place to find Him, and now is the only time." p. 132
"...remembering something my Guru once said--- that you should never give yourself a chance to fall apart because, when you do, it becomes a tendency and it happens over and over again.  You must practice staying strong instead." p.137
"All I seem to do is argue with myself when I try to meditate."
"That's just your ego, trying to make sure it stays in charge.  This is what your edo does.  It keeps you feeling separate, keeps you with a sense of duality, tries to convince you that you're flawed and broken and alone instead of whole." p.140
"Ham-sa.
In Sanskrit it means "I am That."
The Yogis say that Ham-sa is the most natural mantra, the one we are all given by God before birth.  It is the sound of our own breath.  Ham on the inhale,  sa on the exhale." p.141
"I am That.  I am divine, I am with God, I am an expression of God, I am not separate, I am not alone, I am not this limited illusion of an individual. " p.141-142
"Sean said, "Da-- this meditation stuff, it's crucial for teaching serenity.  It can really save your life.  It teaches you how to quiet your mind." His father turned to him and said kindly, "I have a quiet mind already," p. 154
"My prayers are becoming more deliberate and specific.  It has occurred to me that it's not much use to send prayers out to the universe that are lazy." p. 176
"So now I take the time every morning to search myself for specificity about what I am truly asking for." p.177
"He said, "Groceries, you need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select what clothes you're gonna wear every day.  This is a power you can cultivate.  If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That's the only thing you should be trying to control.  Drop everything else but that.  Because if you can't learn to master your thinking, you're in deep trouble forever." p. 178

"To meditate, only you must smile.  Smile with face, smile with mind, and good energy will come to you and clean away dirty energy. Even smile in your liver." p.231
"he says, by mediating every night before sleep and by pulling the healthy energy of the universe into his core." p. 242  Ketut 9th generation medicine man
"So what can we do about the craziness of the world?"
"Nothing." Ketut laughed, but with a dose of kindness. "This is nature of world.  This is destiny.  Worry about your craziness only-- make you in peace."... "Purpose of meditation is only happiness and peace-- very easy." p. 251
"I keep remembering one of my Guru's teaching about happiness. She says that people universally tend to think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will maybe descend upon you like fine weather if you're fortunate enough.  But that's not how happiness works.  happiness is the consequence of personal effor.  You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, .... You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your won blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it..." p. 260
"For some reason, I feel the same way about you that I felt about my kids when they were small--that is wasn't their job to love me, it was my job to love them." p.311
"Yet what keeps me from dissolving right now into a complete fairy0tale shimmer is this solid truth, a truth which has veritably built my bones over the last few years--I was not rescued by a prince; I was the administrator of my own rescue." p329

Long Book Review

I read Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage last fall, and really appreciated the read. She reference Eat Pray Love once or twice, but I never had any interest at all in reading it.  Mostly because I try to be a prudish mormon girl and didn't have any desire to read the last third, the love section.  But then the movie came out, and I knew eventually I would watch the movie, so I wanted to experience the plot in Elizabeth Gilbert's voice not Julia Roberts.
Now that I have read the book, I will say I throughly enjoyed the book.  But in all honestly I can not recommend the book to anyone, because the third section of the book. Most of the book is perfectly fine, but there was a few paragraphs/pages that I skipped because honestly I don't care.
But the rest of the book, was perfect for me, a read I needed.  During Eat, she goes through a minor history of her divorce and the depression she experienced through it.  Oh I needed that section.  The MBA was quickly wearing on me, too many classes this semester (one extra), it wasn't even cold, it wasn't even dark, and I wasn't even experiencing the hormonal drop of weaning my young, but I was already starting to sit on the couch and stare at the wall.  I occasionally wondered will my children survive on hot dogs and eggs for dinner all winter long.  Oh goodness winter hasn't even started I should still be happy.  I told my husband I think I'm getting depressed.  His response was simple just like him, "Don't"  My first thought was you don't understand, you aren't like me, you aren't... whatever the emotion was running through my brain.  But then I remembered he did, he does, he's not me, but he doesn't complicate things like me.  So I stopped, I didn't just like he said.  If I've picked myself up by the heals before, what was stopping me now?  Because it came quicker, because it came in a different season, because why.. so I did.  I got up, I painfully cooked dinner, I painfully cleaned the house, I painfully interacted with my kids, I painfully didn't yell at my kids or husband, I not so painfully got back where I should be with my religious devotion and amazing things happened.  All of the sudden things weren't so painful, I wasn't pretending, and although there was painful parts of life I was more than enduring.  Not to say everyone's experience is the same as mine, or the same circumstances as mine, or the same results.  Just this is my story.  In the word's of Gilbert's Texan friend, this isn't my first rodeo.  So just like Brent told me don't, I know how to tame the bull if I'm willing to put in the effort.
The next section was pray were she goes and studies yoga in India.  Now I haven't put anything into practice yet, but boy did I need the section.  I need to start mediating again, I need to continue to exercise, the summer got a little busy.  Did I mention I need to mediate?  The main reason I have a second child was because I was mediating before bed most nights.  I needed that grounding, that solace, that strength to heal my body from the emotional trauma of childbirth.  Really it got me relaxed, and at peace, and then the pregnancy hit, which was anything but mediating, then a colic infant came which made the pregnancy not look so bad.  If you count practicing for Lamaze I did mediate while pregnant, but come one, my life needs some grounding, some solace some, these are my thoughts, emotions, I can take control.  I should be in control, not the elements.
And overall my overriding thought was thank goodness, I did not marry a man who wanted to "fix me", fix my problems, solve my problems.  I never got the impression while we were friends or dating that he wanted to solve all my problems and I think that would have been an immediate red flag in my life.  But once we got married, when I jumped into one of my rodeos, (lets just say the adversary wasn't so pleased with my constant church attendance and other such things). I was feeling the world tower over me, and I wondered why isn't my husband saving me?  Why isn't he fixing me?  Why isn't he making me better?  When I clearly got the thought, it isn't your husband's job to fix you.  There is only one person in the history of the world who job it is to be the Savior.  And that was one of the best things that happened in my marriage.  But I often feel so blessed that my husband didn't try to help me.  Not that I think that people who try to step in and help are wrong, its just people can only show you the water they can't make you drink. I'm grateful I didn't marry a man that tries to pry my mouth open and pour water in. He actually told me before we ever date that he is not that type of person.
Anyway, more than half of the third section was too, more mediation conversation and such. But I started to get bored, like I do in all memoirs, they just don't end as quickly and neatly as fiction they drag.  But I need to finish, to be accomplished so I did.

My Golden Birthday

Ok, so Blogger is really retarded and the post originally had pictures that worked, I don't know what happened, but I re-uploaded them.

I turned 26 on the 26th. I had never heard of this phrase of golden birthday until I was in activity days as a leader the first time, but none the less here I am. I was super exhausted and look so in these pictures. I look terrible! My birthday was sunday, and we did the Primary Program that morning, so that is my excuse, its a lot of work to take care of the 4-7 year olds of the ward for three hours. I usually need a nap after only two. My son gave his first talk in sacrament meeting, and did a steller job. Apparently Brent, Uncle Daniel, and Aunt Brittany, heard hushed awes all around after he finished. But back to the birthday, the only reason I inculded this shot was because J is holding a picture of me, that he drew. I'm sitting at the table, and the marks for the table look suprisingly like my hair in this shot, so I had to include it.

My husband did a fantastic job of taking care of me this year, did way more than I expect him to. My son bought me a bacon cooker but then told me he really wanted to buy me more tuperware, but dad wouldn't let him. Wise, I don't want more tuperware.

Hooray for presents, I love presents.

Then we had cake. It is one of the ugliest cakes I've ever made. I made a spice cake, and I had never made carmelized frosting before, I did a terrible job, and couldn't frost the cake worth beans. Then as we were eating, my brother and I remembered that my mom doesn't make spice cake double layered. Even if it was a sheet cake, my frosting needs pratice. That being said, at least I got to use my birthday cake pedastol that grandma bought everyone a few years back. Can you see how my candles form 26?

One last thought.  My brother's birthday is in August, my birthday is in the end of September.  He always got a swim birthday party.  I never did, the pool always got cold one or two weeks too early.  (Why we never did my birthday party two weeks early is beyond me or my mom.) But this year, thanks to a super hot Indian Summer, and a heated pool I got to swim on my birthday with my family.  Ok, not really, because we don't swim on sunday, but I swam on Saturday with them.  And well that is the first saturday of my birthday week in my life that I have been swimming.  It was trilling, life complete-ing, and you know what even with water up to 80, and it hot outside, I complained I was too cold.

Perspective

In the recent Modern Family episode, Claire starts crying because her kids are growing up, and they are selling the old station wagon they drove when her kids were little. Here is an awesome quote.  "Claire: Look at them: A minute ago they were babies, and now their driving, and soon we'll all be dead."
I relate a lot to Claire, although my husband is nothing like Phil.

I totally loved President Monson's talk in the General Relief Society Meeting tonight.  I found some highlights from the meeting on lds.org, and I love them so much, that I want to record them for posterity. (By the way I wasn't trying to be silly, and posting about the broadcast on multiple mediums.  I posted on FB because I thought it was a short post of I loved this.  Then realized hey the church already pulled out my favorite quotes, lets save them in my next blog book. So sorry for the repeat.)

Each of You Is Unique

My dear sisters, each of you is unique. You are different from each other in many ways. There are those of you who are married. Some of you stay at home with your children, while others of you work outside your homes. Some of you are empty-nesters. There are those of you who are married but do not have children. There are those who are divorced, those who are widowed. Many of you are single women. Some of you have college degrees; some of you do not. There are those who can afford the latest fashions and those who are lucky to have one appropriate Sunday outfit. Such differences are almost endless. Do these differences tempt us to judge one another?

Mother Teresa, a Catholic nun who worked among the poor in India most of her life, spoke this profound truth: “If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” The Savior has admonished, “This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.” I ask:Can we love one another, as the Savior has commanded, if we judge each other? And I answer—with Mother Teresa—“No; we cannot.”

—President Thomas S. Monson

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Charity: The Pure Love of Christ

I have always loved your Relief Society motto, Charity never faileth. What is charity? The prophet Mormon teaches us that “charity is the pure love of Christ.” In his farewell message to the Lamanites, Moroni declared, “Except ye have charity, ye can in nowise be saved in the kingdom of God.”

I consider charity—or the “pure love of Christ”—to be the opposite of criticism and judging. In speaking of charity, I do not at this moment have in mind the relief of the suffering through the giving of our substance. That, of course, is necessary and proper. Tonight, however, I have in mind the charity that manifests itself when we are tolerant of others and lenient toward their actions; the kind of charity that forgives; the kind of charity that is patient.

—President Thomas S. Monson

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Charity Needed Everywhere

There is a serious need for the charity that gives attention to those who are unnoticed, hope to those who are discouraged, aid to those who are afflicted. True charity is love in action. The need for charity is everywhere.

Needed is the charity which refuses to find satisfaction in hearing or in repeating the reports of misfortunes that come to others, unless by so doing the unfortunate one may be benefitted. The American educator and politician Horace Mann once said, “To pity distress is but human; to relieve it is Godlike.”

Charity is having patience with someone who has let us down; it is resisting the impulse to become offended easily. It is accepting weaknesses and shortcomings. It is accepting people as they truly are. It is looking beyond physical appearances to attributes that will not dim through time. It is resisting the impulse to categorize others.

—President Thomas S. Monson

I especially like "Charity is having patience with someone who has let us down" I needed this talk, the other day in the temple I was once again "inspired", that I need to stop speaking guile.

I also liked Sister Babara Thompson's because I love visiting teaching.  I know that makes me a nerd, that I like the thing that most American women in the church "make time for" because they are so busy or what not. But I love it.  A former ward Relief Society President of mine said, its the only time we schedule friendship.

Recently Inspired

I was recently inspired to focus on the good of my daughter, instead of the exhaustion she creates. Sure she cries just as much, but I'm trying to enjoy every moment she dances around the livivng room, or when she is trying to jump. A funny thing happened, I do enjoy her more, I see why my parents tell me she is so sweet, because she is if you can ignore the crying.  I've enjoyed her more, and enjoyed motherhood more.  Part of it comes with trying to get her to talk, since we make a big deal anytime she makes a noise that isn't a cry, and resembles a phonic, we clap and cheer for her.  Its helped me realize all the fun she is.

Not to mention we now know she is one of us. I thought we would go out and do fun things together while J was at school. She tells me no when I ask if she wants to go out. She just wants to sit in his bed reading books while he is gone. She is probably thinking finally some alone time! We know she is one of us because you will find her during the quiet parts of the day, reading her books.

Plus how could you not love this blonde cutie? Even if she needs a haircut.  When she isn't wanting to wear a dress, she picks out this Mit Jagger for baby girls outfit. She loves these clothes, and sure it doesn't look like Mit right now, just wait until you see her walking around.

By the way if you haven't noticed by all these daughter posts, motherhood does not come naturally for me.  Some women exude grace as a mother of young children, I more portray the first definition of exude (look it up), not the second. I try, and I guess that is what Heavenly Father wanted me to do.

Thought you should know

My husband went canoeing back in the middle of August, and said he wasn't going to shave for a week. I said fine. He came home, I was leaving in a day and half, I said you could grow it while we are gone. He did, and when we got back, Nan loved it! But then again she just loves her daddy. His hair is almost black, but not his beard, it had a lot of red in it, I guess that explains his redhead skin-- his ablitiy to burn like no other. He got lots of complements about it, and so reluctantly kept it and trimmed and such. He had it over a month, when he decided to shave it. Nan totally noticed the minute he came out smooth faced.

Like I said Nan loves her daddy, and she loves when he works at home, she loves to go sit on his lap when he is not on a conference call, and sit there quietly sucking her thumb chilling with daddy as he works. She sits with him for a good 20 minutes or so, then turns around and crawls down, coming back to greet him in another hour or so, for another daddy fix. The best daddy fix is when dolly is also there. (Needless to say, Dad took a break when I took the picture.)

When the heck did she get so big?  She looks like a toddler not a baby anymore! 
She is suppose to stay my baby for another two years.

Playdates and Friends

My son never has official playdates, he just plays at his friends house all the time.  Right now he is playing the shade with a friend that was recently mentioned in my blog. I can see them outside my window and it makes me laugh. His friend and him are rolling around on the ground acting like little boys at the feet of four other women.  The main reason these women congregate together other than for friendship is to smoke their cigarettes.  In this enlighten day of health some may be horrified if their child was playing at the feet of people smoking, but I don't care. I'm glad he has become friends with this other little boy, he is a nice quiet introvert and we barely hear him when he is playing here.  Although I don't revel in the carcinogens he might inhale, I'm not particularly worried, he is outside after all.  And I'm glad he is exposed to people who aren't the exact same as him or his parents. Although I hope he ends make similar life choices as his parents, I want him to treat everyone no matter their choices with respect.  That is the one thing I love the most about his little friend he is playing with, he is always so respectful.  He never demands like other four year olds my son plays with, he always ask, he is always polite, never yells at Nan, or anything else, he is the only one including my son that never screams while playing and usually says thank you as he is leaving. I hope his good manners will rub off on my son, I've been trying to teach him for years, and maybe some peer influence will help. Now my son is petting the dog of an older women in the circle who is extremely patient, sometimes you can see the difficultiness of her life on her face, but is always very patient with my child or any other child around who wants to pet her dog. I appreciate her kindness. That is what I like about people who haven't always made the same choices as me, a lot of time they seem to have strengths that my homogeneous society doesn't.  (I love my church, and the people who attend, but I often find my fellow worshipers rude, especially the children, and the adults not particularly friendly. Which is sad because we are suppose to be, but sometimes people forget to get off their high horse.)

In a slight different note J is about to give a talk on Sunday in church during the primary program, not a one liner, but as long of a talk as a four year old could muster.  The other day he wanted to end it early, he didn't want to go on, the length was getting to him.  I was about to conceded when his dad told him it was the most important part.  I said , daddy's right, not everyones' parents got married in the temple, so we want to teach people that is what they want to do when they grow up so they can one day be with Heavenly Father.  An enlighten oh, was his response, he hasn't complained since. But see the key with that was "want to do" not force them to do.

I'm not fashionable/old lady

This post might be rude depending on your style, be forewarned.
Big colored leather purses have been in style for a couple of years now.  I can see the appeal of such size if you are a mother, or someone who carries a lot of stuff.  But I really don't understand teenagers with them.  This is officially an "old person" statement but when I was in high school, teeny little clutches with short straps were in style, girls would carry them with their backpacks since all they held were keys and a wallet, or they would just carry their books in their hand with the teeny purse on their shoulder.  At least this seemed to be the fashion with the country club children of North Texas.
Now every where you look is big wrinkly leather purses, seriously what does a 17 year old carry that would seriously warrant that big of a size unless she is carrying her textbooks in them.
Anyway I'm off topic, they have been stylist the last few years, and I have yet to make the jump.  Last spring I thought this is the year, I'm finally going to join in the fad.  I wanted a silver one, but first I wanted to spend the summer close to a pretty calico.  I would save my money and get one in the fall.  I bought a silver Nine West large leather purse, that would fit diapers and sippy cups and jackets.  Price tag said $79, I bought it for $25 at Ross.  But the more I looked at it the more it looked like something out of the sitcom Golden Girls.  See this is the problem with this fad, I remember playing with my grandma and my mom's old big leather purses when I was a small child in the late 80s.  They would pull them out of their closets and I would play with them.  That's what we like to do in my maternal line, save all our old purses in the back of our closets.  So I returned the silver one, and bought a purple one, I love purple and love that purple is in style and not lilac, I dread pastels coming back. I hate the purple one too, I'm returning it.  Instead I bought a $12 bag from walmart made from gray jersey knit with silver sequences.

Apparently I'm not ready to embrace the big leather old lady bag. Which isn't entirely true, I know I think some are cute, but I don't think its worth it to shop around looking for one, I should stick with what I found, I'm think... who knows....

Thoughts from Sunday

1. I love being married to a good strong priesthood-holder. He without any reminder from me woke up and got to his 7 am Stake Priesthood meeting.
2. He actually came home excited to tell me about a talk.  The main point was do hard things.  We now feel the incouraging push to stretch ourselves. Not just in the church, learn something new, do something hard... I have a few thoughts in my head about me personally.
3. My daughter required constant parental care for all three hours of church today. I am extremely blessed to be married to a man who stays for two hours in nursery with his daughter, then spends the last hour holding an angry toddler, as he requires her to sit on his lap and not play in the hall.  All this being said, I quietly and peacefully sat in sacrament and listened to the excellent talks hoping my husband at least got to listen to part of them. (mind you before he took her out not only did she scream at least twice, she also bit my bracelet apart sending beads all over the place) More than anything I appreciate his support of my calling.  Since I could not teach the 5 year olds without him taking care of our daughter. 
4. So the talks were excellent, and I also appreciate that I was able to quietly listen and be edified, while he and our daughter struggled outside:

Here are the three notes I took down:

1. "Are we serving as much as we are receiving?  The speaker followed by say, I know myself I receive a lot."  When I first heard the question I thought oh the I'm not a needy ward member, the ward doesn't spend a lot of time serving me.  I'm good.  Then his follow up comment, made me realized receiving blessings.  The man speaking probably never receives service from the ward, he and his wife do way more service than me, he meant he receives more blessings than he could possibly pay back. (The man by worldly and church-y standards is very well blessed.)  After this I thought man I guess I need to bump up my service a notch. Because no matter how miserable I think the MBA is, the windows of heaven are open and pouring down more blessings than we have room to receive.  
2. He also reminded us of the story of President Hinkley on his mission, when his father said, "Forget yourself and go to work"  That was a great follow up to what I have been thinking this past week, to be a MBA wife is hard for me, but I have been thinking I need to forget myself and go to work, in not so eloquent words.
3. Next speaker was also great and quoted a lot from Elder Christofferson, talk in conference about scriptures. One thought I had was STUDY MORE.  When life gets hard study more.
4. Next thought I had was fast for those who we are serving, or should be serving.

Great News

Being Mormon, I don't get to eat breakfast or more, every six years on my birthday.  My birthday is the end of September, so fast Sunday gets bumped up for Conference.  Unfortunately, this is my first end of September/being of October fasting in two years because of pregnancy and nursing.  I thought what are the odds that this year is fast Sunday birthday... it was depressing.
This Sunday is our wards primary program.  Then all of sudden I thought wait how are we suppose to have fast Sunday on the same week as the primary program?  Then I realized fast Sunday must be after conference not before.  HOORAY, I don't like fasting on my birthday.  But I'm not sure being a teacher in the primary program is really a good birthday present either. But either way, I don't have to fast on my birthday for another 6 years.

Date Night/Birthday Dinner

We have a babysitter, at least until December when she might move out of her aunt's apartment again. So tonight we went out and used a birthday coupon.  I don't even want to know how much my husband put on his credit card even with my being meal free. The didn't bring me free ice cream but still made me stand on a chair. But nonetheless, it was so nice to go out on a date with my husband, and for my birthday for no less.  Now I know the cool thing to do is to take pictures of your hubby and self on dates, so you can show everyone the fun you had just like when you take the kids to the museum or what not.  I even brought a camera, but I couldn't do it, my husband and I are just not that.... something, whatever adjective should go there. Me, pre-husband days, yes, me with husband, no, he has mellowed me out what, can I say.  Its a blessing, I don't make a fool of myself as often, at least when he is around.
Anyway, back to the day, since the Dew Tour was in town, we took the train to the restaurant we didn't want to deal with parking with that large of a gathering.  We could definitely tell the Dew tour were across the street, there was definitely A LOT of punks wandering around, young and old.  We watched part of the Dew Tour on TV, they were doing some awesome stuff it would have been cool to attend some events since they were so close to home, but atlas I knew they were in town, and I knew it wasn't in the stars to attend with my dearly beloved skater boy.  Yes, I married a skater you didn't know that?  We have three skateboards in the laundry room, Jackson thinks Uncle Brent is the coolest because he can do a kick flip.  But once again I'm off topic.
My birthday date tonight, but my birthday is not for 8 days, but I didn't want to miss my chance, we took the train, ate too much, and hiked around the mall, booking it as fast as we could to stop to look at the stuff we thought about buying but didn't end up buying. (I really ate too much I didn't know if I was up to such powerwalking after such over eating but I survived) We never end up at a mall, especially without kids this was our chance, anyway, we didn't buy anything.  We came back an hour later than we told the babysitter, we had a great time, my husband shaved before the date, because his beard was bothering him.
So the point of all this is I love going out with my husband and don't do it nearly enough, but find it quite expensive when I do.  Not to mention the kids see him even less than me, and have a hard time taking him away from them more than once a month.  But I do try to go out with him at least once a month.
My birthday is looking to be great, my husband and son went shopping for a present for me today, then dinner and date, life is good.  But the problem with spending time with Brent is it makes me giddy and then I write really long twitter-pated posts about nothing in general, because I want to chronicle my time with him.

Downer

This blog is being a downer lately. I'm all for keeping it real, but for reals, its getting lame.
How cute is my baby?!

More Rumble Thoughts

• I asked my son to help us teach Nan to talk, he says, she's learning.  Meaning, I see nothing wrong with my sister's language development.
• I think my previous account might have sounded too harsh, the doctor said Nan seemed ahead of her age in her motor skills, we just need to get her talking. 
• In my Bloody Jack books, when something has gone bad for Jacky, she mentions the black cloud of despair that she needs to fight off.  I know exactly how she feels, I thought the MBA would be easier for me this year.  But no, I already find myself needing to fight off the black cloud of despair.  
• That being said, I know I am stronger than I was last year, and can endure more.  For one I once again want to travel with my husband, while last year I didn't want to travel.
• Even with that, I adore my children, and my husband, the despair comes from not having every minute of every day to do fun things with my husband.  Although I'm sure if I had that it wouldn't seem all its cracked up to be.
• I absolutely love the stages my children are in, but that doesn't mean I don't get mad at them for being poky during bedtime
• You know how people like a hundred years ago use to say, "Idle hands are the devil's tools."  Well they also say that in the Jacky Faber books.  I'm starting to see the wisdom of that, when my hands are idle I start to get the black cloud of despair, or doom or whatever she calls.  I'm to so good at cleaning or cooking without my husband around.
• My husband came home at 2, to work at home, I fell asleep.  He watched our daughter while I slept until 5.  Man I was tired, I could barely pour myself out of bed. Maybe I don't feel despair, I just am EXHAUSTED.
• There is nothing better, than getting a book from the library that you really want to read, that is brand new.  The pleasure of reading a brand new book without paying for it.  The date stamped on top is Aug 2010.

Odds and Ends

I'm a jumble of thoughts:

• Brent has been gone except to sleep since Sunday, I know three days is hardly something to whine about.  But nonetheless I miss him.  We actually did almost eat breakfast with us today, the kids at least saw him, Nan sat on his lap and sucked her thumb, so I should hardly whine but I'm lonely and restless. At least he'll finally be home for dinner tomorrow.
• We would have never been able to handle this schedule last year, but after a year, we've become more independent, stronger.  In fact I not even sure if the kids miss him, they haven't been poorly behaved at all.
• My children were over due on well check-ups, I decided to get them in before the winter, just in case our lucky good health doesn't continue.  We found a new doctor, I've seen a string of bad doctors, we might have our luck changed. He spent a lot of time asking me developmental questions about my kids, discussing them.  He didn't push unnecessary medical procedures, and he seem to be capable of understanding children without staring at a computer screen, so maybe he'll work for us.
• My daughter is 21 months and doesn't talk.  She says mom, she has said a good 20 other words or animal noises but nothing consistent other than ma ma.  I'm not overly concerned because she understands so much, I talked late, but for real, you know I do watch for progress, and I would quickly be concerned if she stopped progress.  Anyway, the doctor and I discussed it at length, by December he wants 10 words consistent in her speech.  I can live with that goal, work with her, but I'll admit I'm slightly concern she won't reach it.   Although he did say she seems to be developmental fine except for speech. That she almost seems like she is stubbornly not talking.  I whole heartedly agreed with his assessment.
• My children are small, I knew that, but lucky the doctor just mentioned it didn't make a big deal.  On their current growth charts, my son will  5'8" sure that could change in two decades.  The doctor seemed to imply something, I quickly responded I that wouldn't surprise me, my husband is the tallest in his family, I might be tall for a female but I definitely have a small build. Not to mention my son was a smaller baby than my husband. The other week in fact I was thinking about the fact that most likely none of my children will break 6  ft and there is chance my husband and I will be taller than all our children, which is 100% ok with me, but then again they could all be taller than us, and that would be fine too.
• Anyway, this makes me tired. All of it, it makes me tired to not have my husband around and to talk to.  
• Since he has been gone I have had lots of time to read, I read the lastest Bloody Jack book, it made me cry.  Which isn't uncommon with some of those books, in the Belly of Bloodhound is so sad. But I love the series.
• I'm in trouble, a month ago I thought I was no where near settling down.  Every time drive my kid to preschool, I think yeah, I might be able to be happy here.  I never thought I could settle down in this state, but where I am I could.  Another block or two east, in a nice older home, in a great neighborhood, with well manicured lawns. With mothers who walk their kids to elementary school.  Going backpacking and camping all summer long.  My husband just needs another promotion soon, and another couple over the next couple of years. Yeah, I'm in trouble.  

That is probably enough rambles for now. Just know, I think my children are adorable right now.  I know my son is my child, because everyday he comes home from preschool with art pictures, every single one has his name big and proud on it.  Yes, that would be my child.  I would love to find in art class to enroll with him, with or without me, so he could into some real mediums, he loves to create art.
Two more thoughts:

1. I try to fill my loneliness with vices, terrible I know.  When my husband goes out of town I have a tendency to shop.  Last time I bought two books for over $15 a piece!  I never spend that much on books, but really there was no used market for the titles I picked out.  Tonight, I strongly wanted to waste money on yucky fast food, or go shopping.  But I restrained myself.  
2. But like I said vices, without the shopping, I have loneliness to fill, I've eaten over half a package of grasshopper cookies, over the past few days.  That's terrible, my body doesn't need such junk.  I bought them when he was out of town last time. Not to mention each day my daughter and I eat ice cream.  Apparently I was saving them for when he wasn't out of town but instead just gone...

We FORGOT!

Last summer we use to go to the Seven Canyons kid wading stream thing all the time.  This summer since we live a few blocks farther south I guess we forgot about it.  We went in August, and I'm sure it will be our only time this year. Maybe next year we won't forgot. 

While there I was thinking it was too bad we forgot when their cousin was in town she loves water.  (Cousin= my sister's kid) Once again maybe next summer.  Its so fun there, it was the first time Nan was old enough to walk, she had a blast.  Although it was slightly challenging to keep track of two walking kids in water, no less.

Dinosaur Reunion

We went a dinosaur museum a month ago with our old friends that moved.  The dinosaur museum has a big T-rex on the outside and so J always asks when are we going there.  Now, we went. 

We miss them, they were so much less drama than some of our other friends.  I like no drama.  But we also miss them for other reasons.

Literature in Life

I'm pretty finicky about where I sleep.  Sort of, I have no problem sleeping outdoors, but if I'm inside I want a nice mattress.  Some how when we were dating Brent found out about my finicky ways.  I have no idea how he learned my secret, I'm sure my blunt, this mattress is uncomfortable had nothing to do with it. Ever since he has called me the princess and the pea.  When our daughter was born with reflux he assumed it is was inherited. Not her gag reflux, I have practically have none, her picky sleeping habits. We couldn't get her to sleep in the crib, we could only get her to sleep if she was sleeping at the top of the mattress.  Brent was sure she had inherited her princess and the pea habits.  It turns out our mattress is crappy, and has a bow in the middle, so it provided her with a slight incline to sleep on, thus helping her keep her dinners and midnight snacks down.   Once we realized this, we put her bed at in incline, and she almost was content.  In an effort to not have TOO many toys, I like to buy my kids books for their birthdays.  I bought her Princess and the Pea for her first birthday, it seemed a good way to happily summarize the first year of her life.

Well we are on the town hill stretch of the second year of her life, and she has changed story book characters.  Her hair has grown in the last year (almost) and it is blonde, but not only blonde but quite yellow blonde. The more time she spends in the sun the more yellow it goes.  She has many cousins and second cousins on my side with light baby blonde hair, but none have the yellow she has. If my husband isn't calling her "crazy town" you might here a Goldilocks reference in her direction.  A while back we were discussing her gold-y tress, and we decided we wouldn't put it past our Nan to go into some bears house, eat their food, sit on their chairs, try on their spare shoes, and then finally fall asleep in someone else bed as long as she has her trusted blankets ribbons rubbing her nose.  Yes, we can see some similarities that go past the gold-y locks.  So if you attend birthday parties at my house, don't be surprised if you know her present before she opens it.  (I know her birthday is still three months away.)

But its good don't you think, to relate your life to fictional characters?  

I mean my niece likes to clean like a princess.

Backpacking without Kids

For the first time in our marriage since we had our first child we spent a whole 24 hours childrenless.  My son has a had few sleepovers with grammy at great grandma's but the nan babe has stayed with us.  I never even left my son for the night until I went to the hospital to have Nan.  We had plans of a babymoon, but pre-term contractions canceled those. The point was we were without kids, it was quite nice.  We went backpacking without kids.  Up Mount Timp, all the way to the TOP.  

I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

My body doesn't do well with altitude, if I hadn't lived the last 7 years in the mountain west, I don't think this hike would have been possible for me.  Although many people hike straight to the top without stopping, I don't think I would have been able to.  We hiked 4 or so hours, up to the tree line where there is a lake and meadow, I barely made it there, I got so dizzy near the end and found it challenging to keep my breathing regular.  Luckily about 20 minutes before our hike finished for the day, we saw these mountain goats, we saw at least a dozen and it was quite cool.  

So then we stopped for the night, and froze, it was cold and windy, luckily we had lots of layers, a tent and a sleeping bag. In the tent we were fine.  Like I said, without stopping and sleeping for the night I wouldn't have been able to make it up to the summit, my body needed to get acclimated to the higher altitude. We went to be bed early enough, and there was enough night hikers that we woke up and 4, to continue to top, without our packs.
It was weird I felt like we were traveling with a cult or something, like something out of Indiana Jones it was pitched black dark outside, and there were so many people hiking to the top that there was almost a constant line of flashlights all the way to the top.

We timed it perfectly and got to the very top at sunrise.

Ah, love,  Funny thing is, we were hiking Mt. Timp, we got married in Mt. Timp temple, and Labor day is always the mark of when I met Brent.  Although I think I met him actually the last week in August, so its past labor day, but none the less, I have now know Brent seven years. And finally after four and half years of being parents together we got to spend 24 hours without our kids. Yes, I realize all that up there is a stretch but whatever.

I can't believe I actually made it to the top, it is so STEEP!

I really don't plan on doing it again, its so steep, and although I had a fun time, it was actually quite miserable. The second day was much better. Just to the falls is a nice hike though. I personally don't like hiking beyond the tree line.  Its so rocky and barren.

But I'm glad I got to go backpacking with my Brent.

Told you no rest

After lunch and stuff, we left to go camping.  My parents own some property, which is undeveloped, and my husband decided it was high time to go camping there, not to mention he invited his previous mentioned sister and family. This is what we saw as we drove in the Valley the back way. 

All growing up, I heard the plan was for my parents to retire up here.  For the past few years that seems like a long shot, I was definitely not encouraging them to.  But then again I hadn't seen the property in the summer.  Its 7 acres, or something, I don't know.  And its great, not to mention their neighbors have been very nice, there is a rope swing, and a fire pit.  Needless to say, now I'll totally be encouraging them with their original retirement plans.  I figure the first day my dad retires, or the day after my little brother starts Texas medical school as a instate student, they should put their house for sale and start building.  A small three bedroom, two bath house, one story house, with an unfinished basement.  My mom would love camping out in her backyard with her grandkids while they came to visit.  And my dad might only set up the tents then go back inside and sleep on his nice comfortable bed. Then my mom and her grandkids would spent all day playing in the brook in the backyard.
Heres the pictures of our no rest fun. There is a nice creek/stream/raging river (I assume) after a heavy year of snowpack melting in the spring.  Which meant there was tons and tons of nice smooth rocks to play with.

But right now, its a great creek, J had a blast finding all the different places to cross it.

In case you were confused on the temperament of my second child, here is a reminder.  Yes, it person she makes more noise than a picture conveys. She also wasn't happy in the middle of the night, and did this plenty.

Luckily her daddy is far more patient than I could expect with her.

Yea!, the cousins arrived.

We are minimalist campers, so normally we don't have a campfire, but hey its about community right?  Anyway, camping with cousins seems like the perfect time for a campfire, plus it was cold.  Luckily my husband has been a scout master, he had those twigs all ablaze and roaring within minutes. Plus he now has the beard to prove it.

Look to my surprise someone took a picture of me! Hooray I was there.

Breakfast the next morning,

Some more river fun, everyone but the moms and the infant waded in what I would assume would be freezing water.

Like I said, nice neighbors who built a rope swing for my parents.

So ok, who is with me, does this look like a great place to go visit grammy?  Can we convince grandpa to leave his pool?  Aren't you ready mom and dad? The question is before or after the mission?

No rest for the wicked

I'm not sure about that title, but my dad called his bishop while I was at his house, and instead of quoting "no rest for the weary", he said no rest for the wicked. I guess that is me. Anyway, there is definitely no rest around here, did a mention the other day one of my other brothers texted my little brother to tell me to stop drinking so many red bulls. I don't drink enegry drinks, but he was commenting on my husband's and I's busy fun filled schedule. So I got back from Texas on Friday afternoon, by Saturday evening, the car was packed all the way up again, and we were driving two cars to the airport. My sister in law and her family were coming back, and needed a ride, we dropped off our car said hello, and sped off into the sunset. By the time we reached by brother in laws house, it was dark, and my oldest was asleep. 

The reason we were there? My nephew was getting the priesthood, and so we attended. I thought my nephew seemed pretty lucky, his father ordained him, in a circle, with both of his grandpas, and two of his uncles (his father's brothers). I thought it was neat. Anyway, the new deacon is the one holding his scriptures.

These two blonde beauties were all about holding their grandma's hand. Although they did not cooperate for the cute picture I was going to take.

Nan was so happy to be back with a grandma, she kept looking at her saying, ma, ma, Ma is the only word she says consitentently and while in Texas she realized grandma, ends with ma. So she now has three for four for five mas in her life.

Spiritual High

I feel like we are riding around a Spiritual High of late.  (Disclaimer, this doesn't not me, we have had fantastic dinners with homemade bread, this does not mean my kids haven't spent too much of the day crying, this does not mean life has resembled perfect at all.)
Recently we have had the opportunity to take J's little friend to Primary with us.  He has never been to primary/nursery before, or any church other than the last 45 minutes of sacrament meeting, for the last few months.  I feel so useful. It was great, and J and his friend looked so cute in their black pin striped slacks, white button up shirts, and different gray ties, I wish I would have had a camera to take a picture of them looking like mini missionaries. Which is what J was-- a missionary taking his friend to primary.  We are also going to start bringing another friend who hasn't attended primary regularly in almost a year.  Its great, although I'm worried about having responsibility over three active four years olds, and hope other teachers see the missionary spark, and don't frown at their extra work.
The first little boy in fact happened to be at our house playing on Monday night, so we did Family Home Evening with the little boy (sure we miss, but I try hard not to). (The little boy who has never really attended church.) We had J conduct, and he did a good job. We started with songs, and my wise husband suggested head shoulders knees and toes, because every child whether they have been to primary or not knows that song.  (Yes, we always sing three or four action songs for the opening song in family home evening, remember the audience.) When J said he wanted to say the prayer, his friend said I don't know how to pray, I said well ok, fold your arms, you know how to do that and J will say it.  Sure I might have said, we'll teach you, but J would have been mad.  There is time for everything right? Who knows, maybe I did it wrong, judge me if you must. Then we had our lesson, over the weekend J asked to have a Family Home Evening lesson on Labor Day Monday about being nice and not nice.  So we of course obliged, and the boys did an excellent job of telling us lots of not nice things. I asked why we need to be nice, J paused and said because Jesus wants us to.  Correct, the friend, looked blank, so after a few more examples of not throwing couches on people, I asked the friend if he knew who Jesus was?  He paused, then said, oh yes, I remembered, he's... and I was about to tell my husband to explain it to the little boy, when I found myself not needing his help, and explaining just enough to the little boy before he attention went back to not hitting people over the head.  (My husband served a mission and I did not, he seems better at explaining elementary religious concepts than me).  We finished up with treats, and not even a half hour had past. Family Home Evening was a success. 
The point of all this, is Missionary work has been thrusted upon me, and I'm grateful.  Apparently, we have been blessed, because we had a lost library book.  I really didn't want to pay for it, but I didn't know where in the world it could be I thought I returned them all.  I've already renewed it once, I figured the time had come to paid the pied piper, but first I was going to look through the bookcases.  In the middle of the first bookcase search, I said a prayer that I would find the book.  As I search the bookcase I thought I should look behind Js bed.  I didn't even recognize it as the spirit, but as I pulled out all sorts of small toys, I found the book!  Hooray, I made sure to tell J that I found the book as an answer to prayer.  But he soon forgot about the spiritual nature of the experience and was profoundly impressed that I could pick up the mattress and move it.  To each their own.  I've never had a primary experience like that before, it was cool, to have enough faith as a four year old.  You know?!  Hopefully, our other four year old neighborhood friends, want to keep coming to primary with us.

Afraid

I'm afraid my babies are growing up..  I mean obviously, but can't they stay these ages forever.  But wouldn't it be fun if we're always running around like crazy, camping every weekend with our Red Subaru.  Life would be fabulous huh?  If that was the the case, except without the MBA.
I love the freedom of our apartment, but I'm having a hard taking J to school.  Its in the middle of a gorgeous old neighborhood, with lots of little kids.  Its farther east than my house, and I'm pretty sure if I found a house there, in my price range I would never leave.  Which is a new fear all in itself, if I bought I might never go explore the world.
Last month we resigned our lease.  It was a terrible experience, we have never lived anywhere for more than 14 months, and now we will stay here for 24.
But yet school ends for my husband next July, then the world is open to us.  So essentially we have no plans, so I had to set a plan.  I came up with it in the shower, the best place for plans.  Next fall, I'm enrolling in a night class for Spanish. I've taken lots of spanish over the years as a child, so hopefully I'll pick it up quick.  My husband has wanted me to take spanish again for a long time now. Now the tables will be turned, he'll put the kids to bed, and I'll go to class, although only one night a week.

A whole new blog post/ The Legacy

In my previous post, I ended with wanting my children as adults to think, deliberate and look back with no regrets.  

So that is more of what I discussed with a sister in law, what legacy we want to leave for our children. This is what I've been thinking about.

1. I want my children to love my religion number one.  I don't want them to come up with every excuse under the sun on why they didn't go to church on sunday, I want them to love to be there like me.  Or maybe just love to serve like my husband.
2. I want my children to love spending time with the family, to love being outdoors together
3. I want them to be confident readers no matter what it takes, and enjoy learning their whole lives.  You know that excitement all small kids have at learning new things, I don't want that to stop for them.
4. Obviously I already said I want them to live a life of no regrets.  But not a careless life, a life of confidence, a life where they are willing to step on a limb and try something hard, but worthwhile. I want them to be sure of who they are and what they want.  Even if the specifics change from time to time.
5. Once again, I want them to be independent I don't want them wards on anyone.  I want them to feel capable and independent, to their own various needs and capabilities.

So maybe the goals, and legacies completely overlap.  I'm really grateful I have a great husband, who picks up the slack I leave behind in parenting, its a lot of work.  And I couldn't do it without him, I couldn't have all these hopes and dreams, and goals for them if he wasn't wiling to be a step up for me.

Hopes and Dreams

After a conversation with my mom, my sister in law Danna, and lots of other various people at various times, I have been thinking about my hopes and dreams for my children.
Number one being, I hope that they decide to embrace the same religion I have.
But other than that I don't expect my children to live the same life as me. Ever since my pregnancy with Nan, I have thought wow one day my daughter will be in my position, with a baby in her belly.  What will life hold for her?  But overall that is not my greatest desire for her.  Sure if motherhood is in her path, that is super fantastic, but if she never becomes a mother in this life, thats fine too.
My number one hope for my children, is they have complete joy in their life.  In my opinion, joy can come when you are not happy, last year I was not happy, but I had plenty of extremely joyful moments.  Joy in my opinion, is embracing the fullness of my religion.  To fully believe, not to accidentally fall into it.  
My life is pathetic, overwhelming, taxing, and all of the above some-days, no ones life is perfect, but I love my beliefs, I love to go to church on Sunday, I sincerely hope one day they share the excitement. I couldn't deal with all the messy hands, thankless acts, and screaming everyday with out my religion.  I would have never made these choices without it.
Number two goal, for them to be independent.
Which is a scary goal for me, I might one day regret, I might one day miss a relationship with them, because they are independent.  But none the less that is what I want.  I find the greatest joy in my religion and family, but secondly I find it in being independent with my husband.  I don't think I'm independent from him, but at the same time I don't think I'm depend on him, I think we pick and choose what we should do, and together we are independent from the rest. I want my children to know the satisfaction of being independent.
And last I hope to teach my children to think, deliberate and look back with no regrets.  My husband and I truly try to live no regrets.  We make decisions, and then go on, we don't worry and fret with what might have been.  I want my children like that, I don't want them wishy washy, always wishing for what might have been, I want the confident, and daring.
But maybe that is more of a legacy than goal... that is a whole new blog post.