Yesterday

Yesterday afternoon we went to Discovery Gateway with some cousins, and all I have to show for it is the lousy picture of my kids standing in a toy meat locker. No pictures of cousins, or cousins' cousins, I was too tired.

But while there I saw an older man walk into the room, and made eye contact with him and wondered "how do I know you?".  You know like when you see a long lost friend. Except he did not return the gesture he just looked away like "oh nothing". If I was my husband I would have just walked up and said how do I know you.  I have seen him do it on countless occasions, I on the other hand don't.  Next time I saw him, I thought he looks quite a bit like one of those newer Apostles.  That's funny, what is his name?  The more our paths crossed in the tiny jammed packed play area named Kid's Eye View, the more I wondered if it was him.  I whispered to Alisa, the man behind us looks like that Apostle, Elder Christensen?  She turned so slyly, "no Christofferson" she said. Then I heard him talk to his granddaughter, it was him, the voice was right. Alisa actually went to talk to him, and inquire about his niece her old roommate. 
I truly was not stalking him, his granddaughter and my children were playing in the same area. Also in the area was a little boy about 7ish in a wheel chair. A little later, I saw Elder Christofferson lean down and talk to the little boy.  Then lift the little boy our of his wheel chair so he could "drive" the large stationary truck in front of the them.  I didn't think anything of it at the time other than oh they must be together.  Then later the apostle left and the little boy did not, he did not come with him, I assume they did not know each other. Close to closing I saw the little boy leave with his mom and little brothers, he was crying it was actually kind of sweet, he just like every other child there did not want to leave the over-stimulation of so many toys.  By the way I wasn't stalking any of these people, I'm an observant person and I could tell you what 15 different families did while we were there yesterday.  Not to mention it is a small area, I could probably tell you what half the kids were wearing yesterday too.  Some people's mind does amazing stuff like advance math in their head, while I can still remember what every shirt I owned looked like when I was 14.  Yes, what I skill to have.
It wasn't until my husband came home at 10, and I was telling him about my day that any of this was anything other just my observant visual brain being my brain.  By this point my kids had been in bed for an hour and half I had time to relax and destress.  So of course I started telling my husband about my foul mood.  Number one in my list of grievences was when the children broke a CFL light bulb when I was hoping to walk out the door, and having to clean up all the toys by myself to find all the broken glass, with them locked out of the room in hopes of no cuts. At the time I didn't even know to worry about all the Mercury we inhaled over the night. But then I started telling him about Discovery Gateway.  I said things like it was actually real neat to see; Apostles always tell stories of helping other people, but I got to witness it.  No one else helped the boy.  All those things they share in conference are true (I knew that before, it was just another example). My husband jokily remarked yeah he is thinking finally another story for conference.  I said whatever, it was such a simple act he didn't even think anything of it.  Its just who he is, so he does it.
As my insomnia returned and I thought more about the day, the more my heart soften and the more I realized I have been awful lately to my kids.  Truly horrid.  
A week or so I was praying and I wasn't doing a good job.  Even though I've be working at this for a decade or so now, sometimes the connection just isn't there.  I express my apology, and knew something would be humbling me in the near future to get be back on track.  I wanted to pull myself together so I wouldn't need it the humility, but I just knew it would come. Luckily it wasn't too bad, watching an Apostle in every day life, and reading the story of Elijah in the Old Testament (1 King 17) isn't a bad way to come.  Although during my insomniac fit last night it was still pretty painful to think about how horrid I had been as a mother lately and how merciful my Lord is.
Number one on those mercies, is my fantastic husband and wonderful children--motherhood.
Number two on those mercies, he has not told me to have babies 20 months apart.
Number three on those mercies, there seems to be no more babies for a long time in my foreseeable future, I love my daughter dearly, and she can be extremely loving, happy and joyful. But she can tax every bit of your soul other times, with her constant whine, and strong will, and she pretty much runs me ragged everyday with that low grade whine hours on end-- good thing she's cute. (Oh yeah, and bald baby on the swan.)

There is something thrilling and bewildering about feeling inspired to have a baby.  But there is something quiet, and reassuring about knowing that inspiration isn't there for this season.  Yes, the Lord is merciful more than I give him credit for. I appreciate the blessing of motherhood, but I also appreciate the mercies that allow me to try and enjoy it.
Number one on the to do list today, was apologizing to my son for being truly horrid.  I have no problem saying I was wrong.