Expectations

Am I the only one that sits around and wonders what I want out of life. Surely I'm not. I love my days honestly I was cleaning up my kitchen thinking I love my days, whether they are extremely productive like yesterday, or not so much like today, or I'm as tired as get out, like last week.
But I think my kids are the most adorable melds of flesh the earth could produce. I love their soft skin and plushiness. My son is quickly losing his, he no longer has a gut?! But I still love him all the same, especially with his brown curly locks, big super dark brown eyes and golden sun kissed skin. He is a heartthrob, I'm always surprised how often he gets complemented. My brother saw my kids today, and said J, you look like a boy that spends all your days outside. I said well he does. He was wearing a t shirt, atheltic shorts, and no shoes. He has scraps and bruises all over his legs (a few on his arms) and a bandaid over the most recent. Can you really think of any better way for a four year old to look? He does us proud to be covered in scraps and bruises and to play in dirt. He might be smelly, he might have sand in his hair, he definitely has dirty finger nails (which honestly I could do without) but he looks like a boy that plays outside, and really there is nothing he could do that would make his father and I prouder at his age.
He is growing up too fast, but oh my daughter is still so plushy and soft. My favorite is when my daughter's gut hangs out over her jeans under her shirt that is too short, but the right width for her with her diaper corners sticking out. Oh it makes me want to smother her in kisses. Which is what I assume is my job, I think it was Modern Family that taught me smother and mother is the same, no one has ever been sfathered to death. Thank goodness I'm the mom, so I get to smother.
Anyway, back to my expectations in life. What are they? I don't know?
In some circles I have the perfect family, a boy and girl, I'm done, I'm lucky. In some ways it is so perfect, and it feels perfect for now, but it one day we will need someone else for my daughter to boss around. Her personality is that of an older sister not a baby sister. She will always be J's younger sister, but she is not the baby of the family, I can tell her personality was not meant for that.
In other circles my family is just begun, they want a whole household full of love and noise. I see their perspective, I like to think I'm in the middle of that. Who knows... I know noise overwhelmed me to no end. Which is why my baby is still the only baby in our lives, she makes too much noise, she spends too much of the day crying for us to want another who cries for hours each day.
So in some ways I have no idea what I want.
I know I have no desire to leave my babies while they are babies.
I know I don't want my kids to be 25 and look back and think I didn't have a life other than living through them.
I know I love to craft, I know I hate selling my crafts.
I doubt I'll ever regret my Polsci degree. Sometimes it seems not so useful, but its my passion. Its MINE. Mine as not me as a mom, not me as a wife, like me as in me the person I am when the house is empty. Although, ehh, maybe passion is not the word, I'm terrible about reading news. But I really just love it (politics, not the news, technically the news and politics are different, that's the problem I so much of the news is not politics).
I know I never want to give up or leave or try to escape. And I never want to feel like that. (If you are confused at the implications of that one, don't worry I know what I'm talking about it and that's whats important.)
On a side note, the other day it was really weird, like bad weird.
I was changing my daughter's diaper, and I thought what if I'm not capable of doing anything other than having kids, and taking care of them. Maybe I'm not smart enough to do anything else, I better have more kids. WEIRD right?! Its one of those things that when you look back at the memory, everything seems dark even though it was daytime. I walked in the kitchen afterward to get some chores done, but felt overwhelmed with fear that I wasn't good enough to do anything other then "barefoot and pregnant". I remember seeing a corner of the fridge and thinking fear is not the same thing as faith. Then right there and then, I was fine, I realized it was not the Lord telling me that. (By the way I don't think motherhood is for the stupid, I don't think any of the things that were pushed in my head, that is the point is it was weird, foreign felt wrong.)
In fact I don't even think motherhood melts the brain as people say. I think motherhood connects us to a different part of our brain than we normally don't execrise in our society. Its primeval, its raw, but its a very real intelligence that is needed for motherhood. Motherhood connects you to your gut that tells you when things are right and wrong, it connects to apart of our soul that is determined to make the next generation survive, thrive, and excel. I mean how many times has a mother turned around at the exact right time to pull the toddler away from the oven, instead of pulling out dinner. Or how many times do you turn around to catch your kid falling when you had no idea that you were even turned around until the kid was in your arms. Yeah it makes it challenging to make presentations that would be acceptable to a boardroom, or makes profound comments in a college class that gets your professor to notice you out of the crowd, but it doesn't mean it doesn't exercise the brain to the fullest. It just a different part, at least in my opinion. I mean like the other day when I asked my son if he wanted chicken nuggets. He said no I only like dinosaur ones, I said what about cloud ones, do you like cloud ones? Oh yeah, I like those too. I don't know where that came from, it just hit me, motherhood provides plenty quick on your toe moments.
Anyway, I'm off topic again. I always wonder what I want in life, what will I be doing when my kids are in school, or as teenagers. Will find some sort of political thing to do, will find something else, will I craft as much? I don't know I don't even know what I want to be doing. There is so much fun in the world that sounds fun. I'm glad I found a man who supports me and who helps me realize when I'm doing something that actually makes me miserable, and then pushes me towards what brings me joy. I'm so young, I have so much time to fill up as the years go on. Sometimes I wish I was 5 or 10 years older when I had my son so I could be done with my one boy and one girl, what most people tell me is I'm so lucky. But I know that's not actually what I want. But what I know I don't want is for people to think I'm 1o years older than I am when my kids are older. Luckily I married a man who looks really young so hopefully he keeps me that way too. Not to mention the word of wisdom, no drinking and such helps aging gracefully. Plus I have been trying to exercise regularly so I age gracefully. Yes, I'm vain. But I always want to be healthy, feeling healthy is such a nice feeling.
But I remembered the point of this novel. I knew exactly what I wanted in high school. Sure I made stupid mistakes, I have regrets but I wasn't one of those teenagers who wandered around making mistakes, wandering around being aimless because they didn't know who they were or what they wanted. I knew who I was, I didn't do what I didn't want to do, I did what I wanted, I acted antisocial when I wanted to, because I didn't care about playing the high school game. To the point of getting in trouble in middle school, I never let people push me around. But all the plans I made in middle school and high school about my life, pretty much disappeared after the first week of college when my met my husband. All of my plans except for graduating from college with an undergrad, sort of faded. I knew I could achieve my plans, and I still honestly think I could have done everything I wanted, but Brent wouldn't have been there. I knew my life with Brent would be better than what I had been planning for the last 5+ years. So I gave it up. And now I'm .... I'm well I'm who I am right now. I'm happy, but I wonder where does that put me in 5 or 10 years, 15, or 20. I don't know what I want to do when I grow up any more. I want more education, I want work experience, but I don't want the next degree that I thought I did.
Does it really matter? Probably not, but it's still nice to have a plan. I sort of feel planless. I have no idea how many younger siblings my daughter will get to boss around. I have no idea what degree I would pursue next, I could think of about 5 of the top of my head that sound interesting, I have no idea what I would want to do if I wanted to earn some money. I don't even know where I want to move, with my husband and kids.
All I know right now, is I don't want to be a motivational speaker. Silly I know.
When I hear people talk, I think what the heck makes you think you are so dang special. I know I'm awful, that what's what I think. Salesman don't work on me, the more they push the quicker I am to walking out the door. (Not to say all salesman are ill effective on me, some can up-sale, as long as they aren't pushy.) Anyway, on that happy note. I'm planless, but ok, I'm happy. I have squishy kids, (that's what I tell them, and call them, my squishy squishy.) Plus I adore my husband, even if he doesn't give me his undivided attention for four hours day. If he did neither of us would be productive so you know life goes on. And merrily it goes.

For your information

For your information, my husband and I are not saints, we are much closer to the opposite. During our three week spending freeze, we spent $140 on camping gear, bought a flat screen TV, and I went to JoAnns once. Yes, there was a reason we needed a spending freeze, we can't handle ourselves! But hey, JoAnns only once that's pretty good for me, I like to go about once a week.
Yeah, we're pretty sure it needs to be extended...

But am I the only who feels like we need a holiday? Back after Easter I was so glad the holidays were over until Fall (except Fourth of July when no presents or treats are given). But now I'm missing the fun. Can Juneteenth be turned in Christmas in July? One toy for everyone.
Ha Ha, I didn't even know what Juneteenth was, I was just thinking I want a holiday next month... june... JUNETEETH. Turns out its celebrating American's abolition of slavery. Is that a reason to give toys to my children? Celebrating the gift of freedom, by giving my kids toys? Is that sacrilegious?
I totally want to buy these toy ice creams, and toy cupcakes, and I would get my son a spider-man action figure, he is obsessed with spider-man these days, this is the first time he has been really into a superhero. He has never even see comic book cartoons, he just happened to get a spider-man on his scooter he bought 10 months ago.
Does anyone else remember those AWESOME Fisher Price Cupcakes, for the late 80s?! Those were totally like the best toy ever, and I have lots of awesome memories of those cupcakes.
Anyway, the point of this is, I'm might need to watch Confessions of Shopaholic again...

On a side note, I might not upload anymore pictures of our camping there are so many its hard to pick, and blogger makes uploading stupid!

Morning

You know when you have those mornings that you look at the clock at 11:30 and wonder how it got so late and why everyone is still in the pajamas? Well I have those too, but today we had the opposite. We ate breakfast, I made my daughter a purse, and then at 10:00 am we went to the farm. We haven't been in so long, and I've been wanting to go. I think we missed the baby animals. School is about to get out so almost all the FFA animals are gone. Here are some highlights. Then I was done, and tired so I assumed the four year old was, I corralled him to the car, and was home by 11, to watch my neighbor's kids who is moving out. Yes, the girl next door, is moving, hopefully we survive. Then I spent four hours making green flowers!

My daughter has her daddy's heart, she LOVES chickens and roosters. She spotted a rooster that was on the other side of the cow pasture, and pointed it out to J and me. She also can bwak bwak like a chicken. Which is amazing to me, because she doesn't talk other than to whine ma ma. Yeah, that "buh buh" (baby) was an isolated incidence.

Poor J was banished to live with the geese and become one of the goslings. Just kidding, but that's what it looks like.

And the tree house that looks like a converted chicken coop.

Now making reservations, who wants to go to "The Farm" with us this summer?

First Hike

Look I can hike with kids

Look my husband can hike with kids. My kids can HIKE! It was a 6 mile hike he did the whole thing, except for maybe the last half of mile.

I think my husband likes me

We absolutely love this picture!

The whole reason for the hike, the waterfall. This hike made me feel like I was in Never Never Land. We went from hot summer desert, to green meadows, we had some rain in the hike, by the waterfall was actually very chilly. The only think we didn't see what autumn leaves.My son wanted some sling action too. He barely fit, and there was absolutely no walking. He wanted me to walk, I said no.
We saw a wild turkey, then on accident my husband found her nest and babies. He saw 6-8 babies. Its hard to see, but click on the picture, and look to the top left of the turkey's head.

Fishing

We finally got to our first campsite. It was a little cold.

The boys went finishing. Caught some stuff the night of, and released them, because it was late.

Went out the next morning, and caught some more fish.

For breakfast. The kids didn't eat the fish for breakfast, we had eggs.

Never posted

Turns out I never posted any camping pictures.

Here is a our drive down.
A Tunnel, I loves tunnels, like seriously love. Even if they are short, the longer the better. Like seriously they put my heart a flutter.

Here is Dixie Forest, I thought it looked awesome and wanted to stop but my husband told me no time.

A rainbow, it rained on and off the whole time we were camping and we saw lots of rainbows.

Tah dah, almost there. Just another of hour of driving once we got in.

I love these pictures of my kids, and I loved them when they were being taken. You might be able to tell by my profile that I'm insanely happy.It was kind of cold outside and although I let my four year old get out without a coat, that seemed irresponsible to do with my baby. So I wrapped her in a blanket.Nothing like a headlock from your older sibling when you are still the baby. She looks so much like my dad's baby pictures in this shot I think, minus the headlock. My dad is the oldest so I doubt there was anyone to grab his head.

I love it, she looks like an Indian, I know racist sounding. But you know all those pictures of the Europeans infecting the Indians with blankets that what she looks like to me. Ahh, small pox.
Still continuing on our journey. I was pretty sure we were never going to make it to our campsite, that is why we couldn't stop in Dixie Forest.

Spending Freeze

My husband and I put ourselves on a spending freeze. Why?...
Why not?
We were making too many petty purchases, too many not petty purchases... maybe.
Aren't we talking about buying a 40 inch TV?
Yes, there is a difference in the money piles for that. Sort of.
Not to mention why not go on a spending freeze. We are only buying gas and food until the end of the month. Last week I kept thinking the end of the month was tomorrow, then I could go spend. But its not, its next week. But the freeze was only three weeks but yet it seems painful. My kid would love a razor scooter, my daughter could use a new plastic vehicle trike right? My daughter needs white shoes for my brother's wedding. Maybe my son needs a green shirt instead of an orange shirt for family pictures. While we are out it maybe I need a new shirt. Oh and of course my husband would like some new lenses for his camera.
But I'm not buying any of it, which means at the grocery store I really really want to buy a piece of candy. I rarely buy candy.
Yet it sounds like a good idea, I always want to eat candy.
But I never buy it. Why would I buy it today?
Because my kids aren't with me, I wouldn't have to share.
But why would I buy it?
Because I can.
Yes, all that went through my head waiting in the check out line. Things I would never buy all of the sudden seem tempting because I'm telling myself no.
Now I find myself formulating what I should buy June 1st. Part of me says nothing, I don't need anything (other than white shoes for my daughter). Part of me say for reals?! Part of me says other than white shoes I should extend longer. I'm not buying my kids new vehicles, they can wait until Christmas. Yes I like to buy out door toys for my kids in the middle of the winter so they can't use them.
Other than I think I am going to buy a new lampshade, I've only wanted to for three years. I keep thinking maybe I should make one myself, but I don't have that talent when I can buy one for $10-20.
But back to the TV, I don't really know what to do. I don't need a TV, so sometimes I think get nothing. Other than I hate my monitor, I always have, my husband replaced the one I liked because he didn't like it and gave it to his dad. Not to mention in the past few months it started to turn off and refuses to turn back on for a good 20 minutes. Sometimes I think just a 32 inch tv. Then we think if we are going to get a tv we might as well go to 40+. Then we thinking we don't need a 42 inch tv. No one needs a 42 inch tv.
The real reason I agreed to the spending freeze, is I want to teach my son moderation. We don't need to buy everything we see. We don't need huge house to fill up with a ton of junk (whether it was cheap or expensive). How can I teach him, if I don't practice moderation myself. I don't want him obsessed with over consumerism. This is where the tv debate really gets me. Can I teach my son to not be obsessed with consumerism if I have a 42 inch tv?
Overall I think yes. There is a difference between over-consumption and saving up and buying something nice. But then I think I don't need a TV, but I do want one.
We will end up buying one, the question is in a month or in three years.

But here is a picture diversion.
My daughter on her hog, bought second hand for my son at her age. So pathetic, a few days ago she kept scooting too far up and walking instead of sitting, and the center of gravity is so far forward that she kept falling on her head. Literally her head multiple times (see chin in last picture). I totally thought I have to buy her a trike before christmas-- she won't survive, then I breathed and woah her pathetic bike is fine. She is teeny, and her daddy calls it her hog. Although that doesn't mean I won't buy something else second hand.
My son recently rode a razor scooter all afternoon, rocked on it. He wanted to take it home but it wasn't ours. He'll just have to deal with a three wheeled scooter until Christmas. He loves his scooter, and ride it almost every day. Rarely rides the bike that was twice as much money.
He sometimes goes dang fast which meant I couldn't get a decent picture. He is sometimes daring on his scooter going down bigger hills than his friends, faster than his friends, which is good I wouldn't classify him as daring. Independent, but not daring.
Come on doesn't she look great on a trike? Its a little big for her, but you know.. She does have purple crocies on!
Ahh Purple Crocies, I love 'em!
I absolutely love this picture, even if her face is out of focus. I love the keys in motion. I accidentally took it on night time shot. I think the purple crocs maybe in focus though.

Not quitting

After seven weeks of exercise I stopped last week. I was so tired after camping, that I tried to do yoga sun salutations and fell over in the middle. I literally collapsed. Now I don't think it was dangerous, but it definitely proved my body was super tired. I quit for a week/took a break. Yesterday my liver started aching and my tailbone felt sore after three hours of sitting on hard chairs between Saturday night Stake Conference and Sunday morning Stake Conference. I didn't like the pain, I did my 20 minute yoga sun salutation again today. I aligned my pelvis between heaven and earth there by putting my tailbone back in place. And stretched every muscle in my core, hopefully helping my liver detox. Do I feel better? I have no idea, talk to next week after I've done it every day.

So Excited

My little brother gets married in about 6 weeks I think. Its the last weeding of my parent's children, and its the first wedding in five years for my family. My sister in law Alisa and I got a little carried away in dressing all the groom's nieces. The bride doesn't have any nieces yet, just wait until the wedding day and then she will have six. The colors are black and white with an accent of lime green. We are adding a lime green fabric flower to all the dresses. Imagine green where you see blue and red. Here are the dresses for the three toddlers, surprisingly enough I really did spend a lot of time ironing this does it look ironed? I love these dresses.

What do you think flower at the waist? Or flower on the sweater?

Here is the dress for the baby niece. I adore this dress, I wish it was available in my daughter's size. It is so baby luxe!

Then here is the dress for the two tween nieces. I think they will look totally rad. If we really wanted them trendy we would get black lacy mid calf leggings. But we'll leave out that accessory. I actually found a polka dot skirt in the exact same material as these dresses. I am thinking about wearing it. Is that faux pas? For me their aunt to be slightly matching? With a 9 and 10 year old? I'd be wearing a black shirt.

What do you think are you as excited as I am?
Part of my excuse in getting so carried away (have I mentioned all these clothes were bought about two months ago?) is I dreamed of having my cute nieces (5 and 4 years old, now the tweens) in darling dresses at my wedding, and the cute pictures we would take together. Neither of them were able to come to my wedding, which is 100% ok, but I'm living my dreams through my brother's wedding. I can just imagine all the cute pictures of these girls in front of the temple, you know with one of the screaming, another refusing to sit, another two sucking their thumbs, it will be fantastic! I can also just imagine my daughter in her dress (up top) and my son in his little black and white pinstripe pants and vest with his lime green bow tie that will match my daughter's fabric flower. Yes, I might have something wrong with me.

Last time nieces made an appearance at a wedding.

Following Suit

I just read Alisa's blog about potty training school. Here's mine to follow suit. Remember this sweet barely two year old that I potty trained because I was sick and pregnant, and the smell of diapers made me sicker?! Yuck. Well he has been potty trained for almost two years, but that doesn't mean we never deal with accidents. A few weeks ago he was not sitting on the toilet, he started to get old peeps from Easter to do his business. They are now all gone, today he got a candy stick. He went outside with it, then came back and said the girl next door wanted one. I said no they are only for business on the toilet. A few minutes later he comes back in and says, she went. Fine she got a candy stick. But seriously why am I getting potty treats to a child who has been potty trained for half his life and his friend next door?!

Have I mentioned I'm tired as all get out?

Dinner Over

My son is obsessed with lunch overs, dinner overs, and even breakfast overs. I think he derived such terms from sleep overs. He reminds me he had a breakfast over after his sleep over with grammy and great grandma. The other night his cousin had a dinner over, a few days after we had a lunch over at her house before the faire. I actually did feed them dinner, but this was a pre dinner snack.

Then the younger cousin showed up to play with my baby.

A Magic Day

It had been three years since I had gone to the Renaissance Faire and watched Magic Uncle Ralph's show so I figured I should go back. I didn't go last year because I had a colicy infant, or two years ago because I was barely pregnant and quite sick. But I went three years ago, because we have pictures to prove it, and we went four years ago, because I remember going to my brother's house instead of going back north with everyone else.

I liked the benches this year. It was suppose to be cold, but then it wasn't it was a great temperature, and very sunny my kids and I got burned.

I went with Danna. There she was with the Magician.

Oh the old bait and switch. My son has been very into soldiers lately. He has also been really into his old handme down sword. It kept getting progressively broken, I kept trying to glue it back together, but it was bitting the dust. I did a quick amazon search after duct taping it together and found one for $3.5o, free shipping with prime (now 50 cents more). At that price I quickly bought it. Two days later we went to the Renaissance Faire, while there a Knight started talking to him, I figured the knight was bored. I had to explain to my son that the knight was a solider. The knight had this whole song and dance about becoming a knight, yada yada, half way through I realized he is going to try to get me to buy a sword. Two thirds of the way thought this man is going to get a big fat rejection. But things changed long story slightly shorter my son got to paint an already painted sword for $5 while he had a plastic sword waiting for him at home in a box. Oh well. He loves both swords.

Did you know I have four kids? Luckily I don't Danna just wanted me to look like I did.
When we walked and saw the goats my daughter said her fourth word. "Buh-Buh (baby)" It was awesome, she walked in pointed to the baby kids and yelled Buh Buh. I know not baby, but I think she was calling it a baby, the letter B was very clear. I had to blog about this because I want to always remember her yelling baby. We loved the baby goats. They were so cute.
The kids eat cotton candy.
On the way out we saw a pirate ship. We also saw Jack Sparrow wandering around. I knew the difference between a pirate and a privateer do you? I don't know if this was suppose to be Jack's Pearl or not. It sort of looks like it. But I thought Jack had a concession stand.