Anyone out there?

Anyone still read this blog?
This year has been a funny year, 15 hours a week all my children are in school. For years I've been depressed about this coming. People get confused when I say this, if they are related to me, they say but you don't even enjoy your children when they are young. Yes, but what if I missed too much of it, being frustrated at their small children actions.
Say what?!
No one seems to understand.

So for 15 hours a week, I get a break, and I find myself thinking at the end of my 5 hour break, really already? Can I sign him up for more school?

My 3rd child started kindergarten, he turned 5 two weeks before school started. I have been debating when to put him into kindergarten since he was in utero. Yes, I had read Outliers and seen countless studies about how redshirting is so good for children. But I had also read, that when you adjust for income there really isn't any benefit. Wealthy children are more likely to be held back (what a day to be alive, that WEALTHY children are the ones being held back) and so they are doing better in school no matter what age because they have support systems at home. I was totally waiting until he was 2 weeks after 6. Two of my friends had a baby the same time, and always said I don't think I can make her wait the extra year. I told countless moms, that for me being the oldest in my grade was beneficial. Until we changed our mind. We decided he needed to grow up, my husband found a study to showed children that skip grades aren't actually socially awkward from skipping the grade they were socially awkward before they skipped too. DUH, that made complete sense, have a brilliant child who parents for years have asked me if he is skipping a grade. No, he hasn't skipped a grade I always move to the expensive property tax neighborhood so he can go to a good school with a strong gifted program. He is small for his age anyway, he doesn't need to skip a grade to still be smart, and even smaller compared to the rest of his classmates.

Anyway, I'm off topic, last year we decided my third would start kindergarten at 5, I regretted that decision for months but never changed my mind. My two oldest kind of had crappy kindergarten years, I kind of hate half day kindergarten even though I loved it at the time. We all hated kindergarten then they magically got to full day school and loved it, had fun, and had to time socialize with kids their own ages.

Once again I digress again.
So we put him in full day, and guess what he loves it, and he is nice when he comes home, instead of yelling at me all day. And his teacher has two little boys at home and understands active little boys, and when he does things like embarrassingly tells me he broke his name tag, she says no worries, those things happen, I already fixed it. I love her, and she loves him, and he tolerates her and listens carefully to her. I recently passed her at school and she told me he is just the sweetest boy, and always does what he is suppose to be doing. For example he always walks with his hands behind his back, he NEVER forgets. Thank goodness, for a kindergarten teacher who knows what is up and actually likes my child. This is the first time we've ever had a good experience with a kindergarten teacher.

My oldest's K teacher, would get frustrated if he learned faster than the class. My daughter's K teacher had a been a special ed teacher for the previous 10 years so I was so excited to get her, because my daughter's IEP was being downgraded and so I thought she would help us build a great transition year, but anytime I brought up how my daughter was managing/coping she looked confused about what I was even talking about. I would give her specific example and she would say oh I guess you're right, weird I hadn't even noticed. Really?!

Anyway, I'm quite protective of my little ones much to my husband's exasperation, so I appreciate a kindergarten teacher and a preschool teacher who just love my little ones.

Honestly I have no idea what is happening in 6th grade, and that is probably age appropriate.
And 3rd... I can't tell if its going well, or if the crap is about to hit the fan. Honestly either way, I'm fine, if it goes well, then perfect, I'm more than happy to have a great year. If things start exploding, then 3rd is a transition year, so I'm good changing our status quo to help her with the needs she might have.

Ten years

I wrote on Facebook:
10 years ago this year I earned my college degree. I'm kind of flipping out its been 10 years since 2007. Maybe if I announce this to the world I'll stop being overwhelmed. Ten years from high school seemed like a rite of passage. Ten years from college seems old, like I'm fully ingrained in adulthood, there is no going back now.

What I didn't write on Facebook because I didn't want to sound like I was bragging... I can write on my blog because I don't know who reads it:
The past 10 years are crazy not because I'm looking back like how did I get her I missed so many opportunities.  On the contrary, I'm looking back thinking how did I get her, we (Brent and I) accomplished so much.
In my mind I was listing them off, but publicly that seems like too much. 
How did I get here so quick?
We are planning a family vacation to Belize. Everytime it seems surreal. Then again we rarely put our kids in sports because it's just so expensive. We never go out to eat unless we are traveling.  I was pretty positive I was going to put my youngest in 3 year old preschool next year. I love our preschool community and I don't want to take a year off. But then I talked myself out of it, preschool is such a money drain. Plus he's my last baby.

Writing

Earlier in the Fall I had a severe case of ennui. Ennui might be the wrong word. I didn't know what was happening in my life. I could list all the things that seemed misplaced about life but most of them I've forgotten, or moved on from. I didn't know where my life was going, and I what I wanted to do to be me. Not a wife, not a mother, not a daughter, or primary leader, just me. After praying for a long time it became very clear it's not yet time to learn Spanish, but that I should write. Even if it's just a little bit a day. (Just kidding about the Spanish, that was not clear, I'm just not sure I'd have time to write and learn Spanish at this season of life.)
Guess what I haven't done. Write.
It's not that I've been too busy painting, well I have and actually that's mostly it. But I've never sit down just to write. Does it mean blogging or writing? What to write?
I keep meaning to find a mouse for a laptop and turn off the track pad, because I HATE track pads and write.
Recently I've been wondering what the heck is wrong with me?
The answer is I never started writing. But where to write and what to write?
I guess I should just open that word document, and go for it.
Instead I wish I was moving to England.
Spain fell through, Colombia fell through. And twice now for about 45 minutes my husband toyed about moving to the UK. Actually the first time it was a few weeks. Instead I live 5 minutes from the chapel I attended as a child.
Things I was never going to do.
1. Get married young
2. Have a baby in college
3. Move home
Darn it! I've stop saying things I'm never going to do. The worst part of moving home is, we do actually kind of love it here. It makes the ennui worse.
That and coughing kids. Young children that couch for years of their life they cause me to question the Plan of Salvation. Yes that seriously tests my faith. Like more than you could know.
The writing though.

Favorite thing

Between caring for little ones who can't care for themselves for 10 years and a couple of years of unrelenting mental illness, I didn't know who I was. For the past few years I wondered what I liked independent of my children. Finally the other day it hit me. My favorite thing in the world is traveling the world and wandering around the streets of a new city during the evening. Preferably with my husband but I've always like just after dusk even before I met him. I'd prefer an international city but honestly any where will do as long as I'm not constantly around a crowd. It feels good to have something I like.

On a related note, 50 weeks ago I was in Madrid Spain. Lately, I miss it pretty much every day. My husband worked during the day and I did my own thing. It was amazing I've never sightseen alone. I mean sure I love to travel with others and prefer it but to be independent was liberating. And to not have to accommodate anyone else was also a relaxing. I spent every waking minute accommodating mini mes, who thank the Lord are beautiful but driving me to my wits end. I needed a week to be me.

Been thinking...

I've been thinking about this song for a while. Since I recently heard someone sing it live. Been thinking but that's it.

Only Hope by Switchfoot

There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake and in the infinite cold
But You sing to me over and over and over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
And pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now You're my only hope

Sing to me of the song of the stars
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands

And pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now You're my only hope

I give you my destiny, I'm giving You all of me
I want Your symphony singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs, I'm giving it back

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
And pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now You're my only hope

A small house

If my husband and I had an unofficial motto it would be this,

President Faust would not tell you this himself. Perhaps I can tell it, and he can take it out on me afterward. He had a mortgage on his home drawing 4 percent interest. Many people would have told him he was foolish to pay off that mortgage when it carried so low a rate of interest. But the first opportunity he had to acquire some means, he and his wife determined they would pay off their mortgage. He has been free of debt since that day. That’s why he wears a smile on his face, and that’s why he whistles while he works.

President Hinckley said it in October 1998, his talk To the Boys and to the Men. To say President Hinckley and President Faust had an influence on my life, would be an understand statement. They were probably the most influential people not related to me when I was a teenager.

President Monson has also been influential but he did not die near the same time as them so he has continued to influence my life as I've grown up.

Back to the quote, vernacular quote is, buy a small house pay it off quick and always have a smile on your face. That has always been my husband and mine unofficial plan. This summer we had to realize that sometimes the Lord has bigger thing in store. Literally. My husband had an experience to look for more home then we were looking for, but those are not mine to share. Me on the other hand I had many as you know if you read. What I finally came to know is the Lord expects me to invest my retirement not just put it in a savings account. In the case what if the Parable of the Talents is actually about money and just not just talents. Our house are investments. I know not everyone's are, but ours are. Mortgage speaking even though our house is much bigger we are paying about the same as we were when we first bought our last home. 

Its been far for me to take President's Faust story as a parable and not a literal direction in my life. I really wanted a small home. I am learning to enjoy my large house but I wanted a small house. And I've learned the Lord is teaching me far more humility this way.

Lastly, I will say this is only personal advice for me and my husband. If anyone were to ask me financial advice it would always be President Hinckley's. But people don't ask me financial advice. I buy most of my furniture second hand and always hope and maybe I should pray that someone will give me handme downs for my kids to wear. So I don't look like someone that people want to ask advice from. 

Religious Public Speaking

In case you just happened to stubble across my blog through google, I will explain something. In our church we have a lay ministry, meaning no one is paid to serve. We call our pastor a Bishop and he holds a regular job. He does not write a sermon every week, instead we take turn giving a sermon or a talk. Usually 2-3 teenagers or adults speak any given sunday. Teenagers are usually asked to speak for 5 minutes, while adults are asked to speak somewhere between 15-20 minutes. I'm not sure what other people's lives are like but my husband and I normally are asked to give a talk about every two years, if you move its more likely. For example you may be asked to speak before you move and in your new ward or congregation after you move..

The other night I complained to my husband its not fair. You jot down some bullet points and get up there and give the fun talk. You always pull out some story that I've never even heard even though we've been married for more than a decade, and everyone thinks you are fun. I write 2-4 rough drafts, lose sleep. Then while you are sleeping I type up a 7 page talk. You share the fun story, and I talk about how I better came to know God as I struggled with depression or something equally as lame. You get to look like the fun one and I get weepy.

My husband started laughing and said,"the jokes on them, I'm not the fun one".

For the sake of posterity I thought it would be fun to tell my process.
I am given a topic and I start researching it usually that day if not the next day or so. I let it mull around in my head for a while. Then I hammer out a talk in the next day or two. I like to get my to do list done, unless its cleaning then I like to stare at my phone. I get a rough draft typed and I think good, now I don't have to worry about it for the next week. A day or so later I then can't sleep and write an emotional mess of my deepest convictions. The next morning I think that would not be what should be shared in a public form, that must be for my journal. (No I do not have these things organized in a journal if I did do you think I would be blogging?) I am not embarrassed at all by my second draft and would be willing to share it with people in a smaller setting its just not really proper for a large group. I continue to jot down notes during this time, and then a night or two before I speak I sit down and write a combination of the two talks into something nice and flowing. Something far too long to give in 20 minutes.

THEN...
Then, when I get up there I don't even know what I've said. I try to listen to the Holy Spirit and give the talk the Lord wants me to give. I mostly go off my notes, but I differently. I share more then is written and also less than is written at the same time. I don't even know what I've said half the time. Although I look out over the congregation while I speak I try not really to make eye contact. Once I sit down I look out at the congregation again except this time they aren't looking back at me, and I wonder what in the world did I tell those people because I can't remember, and I know its not the talk I prepared.

Two talks ago, I decided wrote a talk. First Draft. I knew it wasn't the talk the Lord wanted me to give, but it was the talk I wanted to give. It was filled with mostly quotes from church leaders, and absolutely NO personal stories. It was wonderfully vague and full of doctrine. As the day of my speaking assignment got closer I wasn't sleeping well. The night before I said, ok, fine, I'll write the talk you have been telling me to write. It was chalked FULL of personal antidotes and fewer doctrinal quotes (still plenty). I was not thrilled and I had known plenty of my fellow saints for about 4 years so I told them that this was not the talk I wanted to give but it was the talk I felt like the Holy Ghost told me to give, so here it goes...

Of coursed everyone liked it, I don't mean that pridefully. Even though it sounds like that. For whatever reason as a teenager I was usually asked to speak twice a year, and by the time I was 17, I had the opportunity to give a 25 minute talk. I come from a long line of eloquent speakers. Saying public speaking is one of my talents is like saying the starter of the high school basketball team is good at sports. Not only was it something I was born with and have worked on over the years. I really don't say this pridefully.

Anyway, so the last time I talked I sat down looked out over the congregation and there a few people visibly crying, like Kleenexes wiping eyes and such. And I thought oh golly gee! What did I just tell these people? The last time I talked I knew the Lord would inspire me to share a personal trial so I thought ok, I'm ready. I prepared it a mix of the way my husband does and I do. Then the day before my talk I was kind of having a melt down. My husband said what is wrong, I said its bath night, we have no food, and I still haven't prepared my talk. Before I said that I thought I did. So he bathed the kids while I went grocery shopping. Then he went to bed while I hammered out my 7 page talk. Yes, the Lord and I have a pattern. I wish we could skip to the third draft, but he is apparently more concerned about me learning than my ease. I should just accept this method as our relationship and stop being jealous of my husband's. For one, he works better on the fly than I do, he likes working under pressure, I like being prepared. He doesn't ever take notes when he is in school. When I was in school I took notes over everything the professor said then reread them and my textbook before a test. Clearly my husband and I have a different learning pattern.

The most awkward part is, Later a friend said, your talk was so good. Thank you. You are a really good public speaker. Thank you. Your husband is too. A follow with what I thought was a sheepish smile while I tried to come up with a response. All of a sudden she excitedly says, you already know that don't you?! How do you response to that?

Funny thing is I can't actually remember being nervous to give a talk. I'm sure in my past I was, as a child in Primary I know I was. Last time I was speaking, I lifted my hand up, I often talk with my hands. When all of sudden I realized it was shaking uncontrollably. So I gently put it back down on the podium and hoped no one noticed. As long as it was on the podium the shaking was contained. I later mentioned it to my husband, he totally noticed. I don't mind scripted public speaking even if I go off topic, but I do hate saying prayers in public. I'd rather always prepare a lesson or talk. A year ago I had to realize no one, I mean no one ever remembers a prayer, unless they are too long. So I'm good. Its helped me not hate saying them, but I don't volunteer, that and reading aloud. As a dyslexic I never volunteer to read out loud.

One last thing

I forgot the hardest part about accepting the primary calling.
Remember how my husband spoke on putting your spouse first?
I hate that my husband's and my callings never line up.  When he is teaching primary I am in Sunday school without him and vise versa. I never get to sit in 5th Sunday 3rd hour meetings with him because he's normally with young men's. Before the callings were issued Brent asked, are we going to be primary team teachers?
The answer of course was no.
We just want to hang out together during church. But apparently the a Lord wants us to be busy not on date night. 
Also I know this is unusual but we have really amazing gospel doctrine teachers.

Heavy and Humble

I've been walking around with a very heavy heart this week.
After today its humbled.
A week ago I sneaked into primary to watch my sunbeam be the spotlight. It was overflowing with cuteness. His favorite temple.... D----- the one closest to us
Favorite scripture story... the Nephites (rolling on the floor emoji, I love his answer)
Favorite thing to do... a pile of matchbox cars and a toy screwdriver, no explanation needed.

As I stood in the back I thought I got to stop showing up to support my kids in primary, they are going to recruit me. Then I thought nah, not me.

Later in the day we met with the Bishopric member, he was going to give my husband a calling. For some reason I didn't really expect to get one the same day. He asked me to serve in Primary, as a CTR 5 teacher. (You probably don't know this but I have spent more time with CTR 5s then any other age in the church.) I hesitantly said yes, then mumbled something about it being a while since I was in Primary because of anxiety and depression. More mumbling. He then said, I think you should know, both of these callings came from the Lord while we were kneeling as a bishopric and praying.

*facepalm, glass shattered, etc*

You see four years ago I was a primary teacher and I had been a primary teacher in various wards for about 5 years. They released me because I was big pregnant and grumpy. And they needed a Relief Society Meetings Coordinator. I spent the next few years in Relief Society with babies, sickness, RSV, depression, anxiety and my various RS callings. 15 months ago or so I was released from my Relief Society calling. It took a few weeks to get a new calling. I told many of friends, I will try to accept any calling they give me, but if they call me to Primary I will say, I'm not saying no, I'm just saying you and I will both go home this week and pray about it on our kneels and meet back together next week to see what the Lord wants. There is no way Brother Key could have known I said that 15 months ago, when he told me we prayed about this on our knees.

I then spent the next 6 days searching the Lord for peace on this calling. There were a lot of desperate pleas uttered as prayer. Things I realized
1.

Not quite the same message, but what I was referring to in my earlier post, the Lord prepares a way for those he calls.

2. My husband helped me see the primary is probably most in need of a master teacher. (a reference I'm sure you won't know.)

3. I don't know, its hard to relate spiritual prompting to English. so count this one for the next 15

Today my husband spoke in Sacrament meeting. We got there and apparently I was panicked, because my daughter got chastised for complaining she never sits by me. (She spent 40 minutes sitting on my lap last week.) Then we realized we forgot her talk, so I jumped up and said, I'll go get it. I really enjoyed my next 10 minutes in the car. I also put on anti-anxiety essential oils when I grabbed the talk. I didn't really enjoy my time, I more sat that wanting to bang my head against the steering wheel. I silently screamed I can't do it, I can't do, I can't do! Alternated with stop thinking about it, obsessing won't make it better. So I get back during the opening Hymn and my husband whispers, "I need to sit on the stand." "Ok" "Will you be ok?" "Nope" and I smile while he stands up to get on the stand. 

I intermittently offered silent prayers of I can't do it! While my husband smiled at me for the stand. Did I tell you what his talk was about? Putting your spouse first, and eternal marriage. The talks on eternal marriage were more about helping your spouse with children. My youngest either threw fits in the aisle, or he asked to go potty. I took him to go potty 3 times during sacrament meeting, he went potty all three times. (We potty trained him this week.) He wanted to go a fourth, but I really doubted he was on the verge of an accident where he already had emptied SO much. I'm sure my constant parade was quite entertaining for the ward since my husband was speaking on eternal families. 

After church I realized it was good my husband couldn't sit with us. If he was there to help I probably would have had a panic attack. I was so close to leaving all my children on the pew by themselves and going to sit in the hall on the couch. 

The bishopric guy who called me, was released today, he was asked to bare his testimony he talked about callings being given by the Lord while they were on their knees and praying. Just in case I forgot, the Lord told me again.

The Sunday school teacher said, in the sight of the Lord a sunbeam teacher is just as important as the prophet because those sunbeams are so important to the Lord. (I had one last week in Gospel Doctrine and Relief Society.) 

I talked with the Primary president a few times today, I think she is seeing some hesitancy from me, I keep telling her its fine. I wonder should I mention, its nothing against primary, its just been a lot of years of depression and anxiety. In the past when I taught primary I wouldn't let my children touch me or sit on my lap during sacrament meeting, or for a couple of hours of church. Its been less then a year I've actually been able to help my husband in sacrament meeting with my children. I'm just not sure I'm ready to go down all these paths again. 

Over and over, I thought "the Lord is more concerned with our progress than our comfort." (Which is a heck of a lot better than I can't do this.) Being a lazy millenia makes me think, I wish he was more concerned with my comfort, because he never lets me get comfortable, with every milestone I gain he sends a curve ball. I'm pretty sure he does in fact want me in Primary, but I'm not actually sure why. If you are Mormon and reading this you, probably can see the writing on the wall, but I am missing it. Please DO NOT contact me, I don't need you to tell me what I'm missing. I'll see it one day, or at least in eternity. 

Understanding why

I've thought it was weird that we prepared to move internationally twice and didn't go though twice. (We've actually tried more) Brent's said well it helped get us ready for this move.  True but I'm sure I could have gotten ready other ways.
The only thing that's really rung true to me is when Colombia fell through. We found out while on vacation at my parents house and my brother was there at the same time.  He said to me maybe Brent just needed to know you'd follow him.
Today I read a blog post from a marriage therapist that rang true:
"That’s what dialogue is. It’s a conversation with one another – rather than at one another – that is designed to reveal the deeper meaning of a particular conflict. Dr. Gottman refers to this as the “dream within conflict.” Whenever the dream or hope or aspiration for the relationship is ignored, problems arise. But when those dreams are revealed and understood and respected, it creates space for the relationship to become more meaningful than the problem."
https://www.gottman.com/blog/p-is-for-problems/
At the time the time I did not know how to respect his dream without buying into it. I knew it was destroying our relationship. As I've mentioned I went into general conference with one question.  Who has got to give because our relationship can't sustain this disagreement.

Chocolate Cupcakes

This story has been in and out of my head for 6 months now, as I reflect and wonder what I was suppose to learn.
(I hope its not a repeat if it is, now you know what my mind is like.)
Back in February my second busiest time of the year, when I have 3 birthdays in 2 and half weeks and a holiday, I knew my visiting teaching sister also had a birthday. I couldn't exactly remember when it was in the month but I had been her visiting teacher for three years so I knew it was sometime.
We went and visited our other sister in the morning, and it was a heavy conversation, she mentioned some not pleasant parts of her childhood. And since the point of visiting teaching is to bare one another's burdens I was glad she was sharing with us. But I went home exhausted. I had about an hour and half before the next visit.
The spirit plainly told me take out the chocolate cupcakes from the freezer and frost them. For the last day or two the spirit had been gently nudging me to defrost them and to have supplies for frosting. But let us recall I had already made 3 birthday deserts in the last three weeks (my baby's birthday is 2 weeks before my husband). I had addressed a good 45 valentines for school. Each dessert and holiday prep was a monumental accomplishment of love will beat the anxiety. (And let us not forget I mean mental illness anxiety, not I'm negatively excited, I mean I can barely leave my house, crippling anxiety.)
So all these promptings fell on exhausted ears. I wanted to listen and act I really did, but I just didn't quite get there. My heart was heavy like a sandbag and my feet felt like stones. When I drove home from my first visit I thought go buy chocolate frosting, I drove right past the store, I two tired and hungry toddlers in my car, and I could barely walk through a parking lot with them on a good day because my anxiety had flared up so much.
Six months later I honestly can't remember if I had frosting stuff at home, I think I did but I can't remember now. I think I at least had cool whip, we like chocolate cake and cool whip in our house.
I remember a few times hearing take out the chocolate cupcakes.
I never listened, I got distracted with caring for my babies, with feeding them, and myself. I was so exhausted surely the Lord must know that. Of course he did.
Well it was time to get to our next visit, my two toddlers and I were late, and it was during naptime. But it was the only time that fit for my partner and my sister we were visiting. While we were there, our sister said today was her husband's birthday.

And he always complains that she never has time to make him a chocolate cake. And this year was no different, she was so busy all morning. She had an afternoon of getting her high schoolers to various needs.
.
.
.
.
*Head held in shame* Except it wasn't, I played cool. I didn't want those other two ladies to know the spirit told me multiple times to bring chocolate cupcakes.
.
.
I felt awful though.
.
.
.
and embarrassed
.
.
.
After a few days of shame I finally told my husband about it. He was very sympathetic to my regret.

I spent weeks wondering how did the Lord expect me to run faster than I had strength?

He knew of all people how tired I was. How overwhelmed.


Then the answer came, I don't remember the reference but it said when the Lord prompts you he will always give you strength to accomplish what he asks.

Looking back I wish I had the faith to complete a miracle.
But I didn't and sometimes we don't.
We can't beat ourselves up.
We can only move forward with faith.

Saying next time I will be better. Next time I will be able to morn with one sister and lighten the burdens on another all in one day, and care of my family. But if I had the strength for all that, my family would probably have had cold cereal for dinner, and I would have had take out. And we would all be happy and tired.

Other days I think how is her procrastination my fault? Its not. Plain and simple, if she truly cared about making a chocolate cake she would have made it happen. But she didn't and that isn't my fault, but we all would have felt the love of the Lord that day if I would have shown up with chocolate cupcakes. The spirit would have been strong and we all would have been blessed. It wasn't my fault, but I missed the opportunity to bless.

Instead I learned a hard lesson.

As I keep reflecting on this experience I think I've learned far more since I missed my opportunity then if I would have listened.

Part of me says, doesn't all the other treats I dropped off at her house over the years count for something? All the times she said oh thank you so much, I was so busy that day, so my kids ate those for dinner.
Apparently I should have been dropping off dinner all those years.

They did count. And the righteous desires of our hearts also count. But it was a hard lesson to learn, one I will probably think about for years, but not out of shame, instead out of hope. I will always wish I listened to the spirit, and taken out those frozen cupcakes. I will always wished I didn't miss the opportunity to bless a family but at least I've learned a lesson from it.

Now when I'm in the store instead of thinking I'm too tired to be friendly I can be a listening ear. I can have the faith that the Lord gives strength to those who listen.

Madrid Spain

A few weeks ago on the 5th Sunday of July before our last lesson started the teacher had a slide show of LDS temples playing. I honestly wasn't paying attention to it, I was slightly paying attention to my husband's conversation with the guy next to him. When I looked up to the screen and saw the Madrid Spain LDS temple. Immediately it was a confirmation that we where we suppose to be. Even if it wasn't foreign. Even if I don't see an opportunity for my 3rd child to become a polygot.

Thinking about the North Pole

Last night at dinner my 10 year old said to his little sister, during the summer at the North pole the sun never sets, and in the winter its always dark. She replied I know.

A few weeks ago my sister told me about a conversation she had with her daughter about fairies. I was thinking about that North Pole fact. The South Pole is same, except the summer is during the North's winter. I know that fact is true. I know people/scientists have experienced it. I have been to latitudes that have long summer days and short winter days so I know it gets more extreme the farther north you are. I have been to places near the equator where 365 days a year the day is exactly 12 hours. The sun rises at 7 And sets at 7. There is no deviation. But yet I have a hard believing that the North Pole has times during the year that the sun never sets. I know its true but I can't believe it.

How many times in life do we ignore something because we can't make sense of it, even though it is indeed true? There is absolute truth even if our brain cannot comprehend, even if it confuses our heart.

Ratification

We close in 10 days so on Sunday we checked out our new ward. It's in the building I attended senior primary in. I remember my brother's baptism in that building. It's a little odd. A lot.
When we pulled up I thought its not to late to turn around now. My 10 year old from the backseat turned to the 2 year old and whispered are you nervous or excited?
I knew before I moved down here I'd recognize a few old timers in my ward. (It was the Lord preparing me, a gift of the spirit so I don't freak out.) During first hour, I noticed my stake president from when I was a teenager. He signed my ecclesiastical form for my BYU application. (The stake split has twice since then.) During the choir's musical number I recognized a woman from girls camp, turns out she in the Stake YW presidency. (Now mind you they aren't old, I grew up with their oldest children at stake youth activities, I mean old timers like they have been here for 20 years.) I eventually recognized my youngest son's Nursery leaders as leaders of YW in my old stake.
This ward is where we are suppose to be but by the end of the day I felt panicked.
My husband wrote on FB:
"I had an interesting moment of homesickness/ nostalgia at our new ward building today.  I had a very distinct impression that reminded me of the first time attending in monument Colorado.  Basically it was a spiritual confirmation that my family was in the right place. I was then flooded with memories of all the great people I met while living in Colorado and how great that period of life was for us. It is good to know that our first time showing up to our actual ward here is off to an equally memorable start."
He was so confident when he walked out of church. Which was a good reminded to me of the spiritual ratification I felt through my meetings. All through the lessons someone would say something and it would remind me of something that happened over the last two years to get me to where I am today. Some gospel principle that would remind me of a spiritual impression. Or some conference talk or reference.
For me moving back home hasn't been the easiest thing. But I do know its where the Lord wants my family. I can't deny that. Although in my insecurities I keep trying. I need more faith. More courage.
That's why I keep blogging, my family needs this history, I need it. I can't forget the feeling I got when the realtor brought me to Allen. Its interesting that I prayed for weeks to know where we should be. The spirit didn't tell me right away, instead we were left spiritual bread crumbs, we were able to cross off places on our list, look at we thought we wanted. Slowly the Lord tested our faith before he gave us the answer. He didn't give me an address right off that bat, I wouldn't have believed that without the Work.

Primary

Since I'm living at my parents house this summer my records were transferred to their ward. They gave us callings for our 2 months here. They called me to be the team teacher in Valiant 11 year old girls. Bizarrely ironic since this building is about to have a 20th anniversary and 20 years ago I was a Valiant 11 year old girl. Except then we were called Merrie Miss. By the time we moved into the building I was too cool for primary. I was a strong willed child in class with other strong willed girls. Mighty miss would have been a better name. The boys were very quiet the girls couldn't be shushed, stereotypically  it opposite. As I became an adult I realized I was not in the right. But at the time I felt like they were babying me. I had adult siblings, teenaged siblings, and I had senioritis for primary. Good teachers teach the gospel, great teachers teach the gospel and never under estimate their students.
As I've come across past teachers from my childhood I've apologized to them for some of my behaviors. The general response was its fine you were 14, that's how they act, or whatever age I was at the time. (I don't think I was constantly disrespectful but I definitely had multiple phases.)
I've often been given the challenging class when I'm a primary teacher. When ward members ask what class and I say it the general response is oh, that's the hard class right? My response is yes, but I was a challenging child in primary so what comes around goes around. I get them, these are my people. (ok, I haven't always had hard classes but I've had plenty. I once had more than 10 5 year old boys in my class and that wasn't even one of the top contenders.)
Yesterday I said to my team teacher this is my penitence. Then I immediately followed up with nah, it's probably the Lord saying it's fine, you are forgiven. I was surprised by what was said, I've never once thought that about my primary teaching. It was definitely the Holy Ghost talking. I have to admit its a freeing feeling.

Hope not quite Faith

Last week I was listening to conference when President Utchdorf's talk He will place you on your shoulders and carry you home" came on.
In the end of his talk He says,
If mortal hands can transform rubble and ruins into a beautiful house of worship, then we can have confidence and trust that our loving Heavenly Father can and will rebuild us. His plan is to build us into something far greater than what we were—far greater than what we can ever imagine. With each step of faith on the path of discipleship, we grow into the beings of eternal glory and infinite joy we were designed to become."
The spirit whispered that's an answer to prayers. I didn't know exactly what was the answer so I have been studying it.
I realize maybe what it is now.
Some how over the years I bought in to Satan's lies. I started to believe as a stay at home mother I wasn't capable of more. I worry about my children growing up because what do I have in my life other than them? If they grow up I won't have anything left. I started to believe I need the chaos in my life. So when he says, "If mortal hands can transform rubble and ruins into a beautiful house of worship, then we can have confidence and trust that our loving Heavenly Father can and will rebuild us. His plan is to build us into something far greater than what we were—far greater than what we can ever imagine."
I have hope that he will take me full of scars and turn me into something more than I can imagine but right now I'm not sure I believe.
Right now in my mind I'm a pile of rubble and I'm not sure how I'll one day a beautiful cathedral.
For pictures go here:
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2016/04/he-will-place-you-on-his-shoulders-and-carry-you-home?lang=eng&_r=1
Lastly I'll add its embarrassing to admit this. I think, shouldn't I have the faith it takes to believe this? But I don't its only a hope. (Satan is ruthless he kicks you while you're down. The Lord would never make me feel guilty that I have hope in a concept. But Satan does, he doesn't even want me to have faith but yet he tells me I'm inadequate for not having it because he knows how to mock faith from every level.)

A house

Just so you know. We bought a house, we close in exactly a month.
The Lord works in mysterious ways. I didn't want a large home, my husband didn't want spend more than a $1200 a month, but like I said the Lord works in mysterious ways.
As I said I had the distinct impression you don't have to buy a small house to prove your spirituality.
We put an offer on a second home and ours was not chosen. There were literally no homes on the market we were interested in, we had seen everything. So I decided we should go to the temple since there were no listings to see. Afterward Brent said he had the impression: you should up your budget you know you can afford more. (If you know us you know we're very frugal.)
And now we are under contract to buy a house more expensive then he wanted and about 1000 sq ft more than I wanted. But it feels like the right choice.
I'm now struggling to remain patient.
The house has great bones the only thing the inspector found was it needs new windows. But cosmetically it could use some work but we hardly have any furniture. So now I've been praying to know what we need to be comfortable and what would be frivolous. Both furniture and cosmetic. Luckily enough all the bathrooms are updated.

Three year old's confidence

Yesterday Turbo was a nightmare, all morning long. We ran two errands and then we were going to stop at the library. He didn't want to stop and so he was screaming in his carseat. I told him J wanted to go and so I told him we could go. Turbo didn't want to go though, he wanted to go back to grammy's. I told him not until we went to the library. More screaming. So I dropped J off at the door (Grammy, his sister and cousins were inside) and was planning to sit in the car with screaming Turbo. (Poor Ikey)
We pull into a parking spot and Turbo asks why aren't we getting out? Because you said you didn't want to go, and I'm not taking you in there if you are screaming.
He stopped screaming and told me, I just want to go to Toddler time, you never take me to toddler time anymore.
I didn't know you still liked toddler time, I didn't think you liked it so I was giving you a break. He replied he still liked it, and wanted to go.
I said, there probably is not any toddler time going on right now and we will have to look up the time and come back.

He confidently replied there is one.

We walked in the building and you'll never guess what was happening at exactly 11:30 am? Children and mothers were walking into Music and Movement for Toddlers. He knew there would one.
I asked if we had to pre-register. The librarian responded normally yes, but we have plenty of room today.

It seemed like a miracle.
My three year old was actually happy for an hour of his day.
I didn't want to throw him out the window for an hour of his day.

I think it was a miracle, I pondered on what it meant while I fell asleep.

The Lord blesses us even when we are angry at the world.
The Lord blesses us more than we comprehend. Even if we don't recognize a blessing doesn't mean it didn't happen.
We don't have to be happy to receive blessings.
The Lord gives us blessings even when other mortals don't think we deserve them.
The Lord loves my children more than I can comprehend.
The Lord wants my ornery child to be happy. (But I do believe he cares more about our progress then our happiness.)

Do you know how many days I thought, we need to go to the library before we actually went? I had only been planning to go for 6 days.

Perspective

As a teenager I found it doubtful when people said they could open their scriptures and read the exact verse they needed to hear. It has definitely been true for me these past few months. I'll be overwhelmed and the next conference talk in my queue will answer what I'm struggling with. Today I opened gospel library. And this was where I was:
1 Nephi 17
3 And thus we see that the commandments of God must be fulfilled. And if it so be that the children of men keep the commandments of God he doth nourish them, and strengthen them, and provide means whereby they can accomplish the thing which he has commanded them; wherefore, he did provide means for us while we did sojourn in the wilderness.
4 And we did sojourn for the space of many years, yea, even eight years in the wilderness.

I'm not in 1 Nephi 17, nor is family study. I'm not sure why it was there.

This Saturday we'll have been here for a month. Still no contract. I never expected being here let alone a month without having an end date but I guess its not 8 years. That puts it in perspective.

A miracle

I was suppose to post this on the 17th.
A miracle happened today. I went to pay my last energy bill from my old house and realized it was overdue. Opps! I asked my mom if the mail was already picked up? yes, yes to everywhere. I would have had to drive across town to get it out today. I decided one more day wouldn't hurt, too much, hopefully. A few minutes later I was supervising my oldest and my nephew swimming, when I noticed the mail truck drive by the other side of the fence. I quickly ran inside and grabbed my bill. The mail truck had stopped in front of my parents house, I asked her if she could take my bill. She said yes, took it and then drove off. She didn't even deliver mail on my parents street!

I needed that miracle. The confirmation that the Lord is watching over me and is aware of everything. What's the scripture? Aware of the sparrow in the tree, how much more than you?

Google came up with Luke 12:
6 Are not five sparrows sold for two farthings, and not one of them is forgotten before God?
 7 But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows.
But I'm not sure that's it.

Maybe Doctrine and Covenants 84:
82 For, consider the lilies of the field, how they grow, they toil not, neither do they spin; and the kingdoms of the world, in all their glory, are not arrayed like one of these.
 83 For your Father, who is in heaven,knoweth that you have need of all these things.
 84 Therefore, let the morrow takethought for the things of itself.
 85 Neither take ye thought beforehandwhat ye shall say; but treasure up in your minds continually the words of life, and it shall be given you in the very hour that portion that shall be meted unto every man.