I spilled the beans to my friend the other day. A few of my friends planned an crafternoon and eventually it got moved to my house. Then the next thing I know everyone canceled but one person. Which is funny because I didn't even organize this one! Anyway, while me and one friend were talking we covered a whole range of topics. Side effects of mothering infants came up which of course lead to postpartum depression, she said but you feel better this year, right? I said, I'm not sure I do. I've been a mess since the beginning of August. She quietly said oh. She had no idea what to say. I don't blame her. Nothing is ever the right response whether its mental health or a more physical malady. But its the first time I've said anything in person to someone other than Brent. So it slightly surprised me.
After the time my third turned three, I started to feel some anxiety, I wasn't ready for him to be that old. Things just pilled up, and between a half birthday (18 mons), a birthday, potty training, back to school, back to school finances, some unexpected medical bills, extracurriculars, a new scout calling, that takes up an exorbitant amount of my time. I became extremely overwhelmed, and was barely functioning.
One day during naptime I saw on the couch in a comatose state of panic. I thought I need to just lay in my bed, who cares if I ever come out. But I couldn't, I had to get my son to Piano lessons. I thought once I do that I will go to bed for the rest of the day, who cares if I come out later. Then since I was waiting for piano lessons, I figured might as well cook the dinner on the schedule, so I did. Then I was ready to go to bed, but oh before that could happen my daughter had to finish her homework, before I could get in bed. I can't remember what all I had come up on my plate but I was very disappointed to not get in bed before it was time to go to sleep.
I just wanted to quit the world.
I was barely holding on to life when we went to Mount Rushmore on vacation. It probably would have never happened if Brent didn't make it possible. I did plan the sights we saw but he made it happened. Funny thing we were camping, but neither of us packed food. Other than four boxes of instant oatmeal, I pulled those out of storage and so they thankfully made it some how. We take more food on the car trip to Grammy's house then we did on a four day camping trip. I'm a big believer of don't worry you can just buy it when you get there, except there was no there. The closest real grocery store to Mount Rushmore is 30 minutes away not an easy idea when you are camping with two toddlers. After Cheyenne, WY there was a total of three fast food restaurants, that in a span of 4 hours. There was one fast restaurant 10 minutes of the park. Who would have cared if it wasn't for the fact we forgot to pack food. Ha ha.
When we woke up the first morning, sitting out side the tent I felt calm. I couldn't remember the last time I felt calm. It was amazing. (This is actually the second morning, the third morning we were in Nebraska and covered in mosquito bites.)
I'm now taking a hormonal supplement, I started right before we left on vacation. The second week I took it, I took it 5 times a day, I yelled at my children if I didn't take it that much. I'm now down to 2-3 times a day, and today my husband surprisingly said, you're happy. Hopefully I remember to continue using it for a while, so we don't see anymore depressed Lesli posts. That would be lovely wouldn't it?
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