Gray

I've decided it's official. I have white hair. Since I'm borderline blond, its pretty unnoticeable to anyone but me. But my hairstylist did confirm that there are white stands in there. To anyone but me it just looks like my hair is producing lighter highlights than it has in the past. Its probably about time, I did turn 30 last year, and I had two babies in two years.

Dreams

Did I write about the marriage seminar Brent and I went to months ago?
The therapist talked about goals, and how after you have all these other emotional levels met you have to have goals for yourself.
I felt like I was doing great on the checklist of having my life and relationship in order 5 minutes before this.
She started talking about the dreams and goals, and I started crying. That is what was missing in my life. I knew something was missing, but I couldn't put a finger on it.
I cried multiple times in the next few days, the emotional toll was too big.
Then I picked myself up, pulled up my big girl panties, I decided to tackle this.

(I should point out, that she said the lack of goals and dreams is what causes people to up and leave after 10-15-20 years. When people say, I didn't realize anything was wrong and then she/he just up and left. She also said the more effective a person is, the more likely they are to give up the goals and dreams.)

So I've spent months wondering what my goals were.
I think I did post about this. I was trying to decided what I want to do one day when my last baby starts 1st grade. What are my aspirations?

For a while I couldn't find any dreams that didn't involve anyone in my family.
I didn't feel like it was fair to them, to place my happiness in their life choices, so those didn't work.
I then tried to find something that was me and only me. I eventually came up with some things.

But then last week, I remembered my goal, the goal I've had since Brent and I were very young. My desire for this type of thing was the reason I was able to give up all those plans I had made in high school in lieu of choosing Brent.
It wasn't this specific 11 years ago. But now it is.

My goal is to go on a mission with my husband in every continent in the world. (Other than maybe Antarctica because that doesn't have a permanent population.)

Its a pretty overarching goal, it pretty much effects every major choice we make over the next 20 or 30 years. It changes the way we budget, the choices we make for our kids, it effects the jobs we take, it effects the reasons we go to church. It changes what we spend money on, what we buy. It changes so much...

Its a pretty awesome to have a goal, I feel a lot more grounded.

Progess

My daughter has a tenancy to be a martyr. We go have a super fun day, the best day of a child's short life, and yet all she can remember is when she was thirsty for 30 seconds. We have slowly in a hopefully non nagging way been learning to focus on the good.

Six months ago I could have come up with countless specific examples of her focusing on the negative. But like I said we've made so much progress, I honestly can't think of any.

Without telling her so much, I keep thinking of this book I read before she was born: (I know it has such a cheesy name.)
What Happy People Know: How the New Science of Happiness Can Change Your Life for the Better by Dan Baker
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

It is a fascinating book, I would recommend it to anyone struggling, and would recommend this book, to anyone with mild depression. Its really helped me put my life in perspective, I highlighted something on almost every page that I thought was insightful, which means its hard to sum. Also it was helpful at identifying paralyzing thoughts that make it hard to do anything else in life. Dr. Baker says play up your strengthens, stop thinking about your weaknesses, most likely they are still going to be your weaknesses when you die, its just a fact of life. The other part of the book that really struck home was telling healthy stories not horror stories. I would totally recommend the book to anyone who is struggling with their inadequacies in life. It makes you realize that the inadequacies don't matter, and its all a matter of perspective. Not to mention, money is not that important. I am never going to have enough money, the richest people in the world don't have enough money.



I want my daughter to tell healthy stories not horror stories. I want her to focus on what is positive in her experiences and her relationships not forgetting a year of good or the one time she was embarrassed for wearing a rain jacket when it ended up not being rainy. (I keep saying my daughter, because my son barely tells stories, let alone horror stories, we all have our own things we need help with.)
Speaking of healthy/horror stories, we practice sometimes when we as family members can only remember the bad part of the day. And we ALL practice this, even the boys.

• For example saying this afternoon was terrible, I was hungry, and my little brother screamed at me.
• We could say, I ate so much lunch, a bagel, an apple, mini pepperoni, I was just so hungry this afternoon. Then I played so good with my little brother and we were having so much fun, that my mom let him stay up late from his nap. We play pretend with both my Barbies and his cars, we giggled so much, until he just got too sleepy and started crying when his car fell on the ground.

Those are totally the exact same story, just with two different spins.

I'll be honest, I'm not perfect, but I keep trying to remember this. Especially when it comes to my relationships with my kids.
I absolutely adore two years olds, I think they are hysterical in their attempt to be in control of their life and be adults, even though they are in stretched out baby bodies.

• So my two year old, I could say, which I often do: drives me crazy, he throws multiple tantrums a day. He can't make any choices and ends up with partially eaten food all over the table.
• Or what I try to remember is, my two year old is a riot. He is nonstop go go go, until he crashes once he finds his blanket. He has such a zest for life (my husband's words) he wants to learn everything, experience everything, anytime anyone eats, he wants some, because he wants to experience everything. He has so much emotion running through him all the time.

Like I said I don't always to this, but I try to. But once again, I am describing the exact same thing.  Other moms keep telling me they love how real I am. I don't sugar coat things, they love listening to me describe life. I say, I hope that's a good thing. But honestly, it has to be. I do, I am real, I'm terrible at sugar coating. But if I was a miserable mom who only complained about my kids I don't think people would love hearing that, I think I try putting a positive spin on the crazies of parenting small child.
Smile when you're bleeding.
There is nothing wrong with bleeding, and I would never ever tell someone they can't experience what they are feeling, but life is much more pleasant when I can find joy the daily chaos of my life. I can tell a healthy story of bleeding or a horror story of the blood, its all up to my perspective. Oh and trust me I can tell a HORROR story, some of the shocked looks on faces when I've told horror stories, I've tried to rewrite those, because honestly I don't like that look facing me.

P.S. I'm still trying to write the healthy story of my postpartum depression from last year. A new line gets written every week, but it is slow going.
For example did I write yet? my newest paragraph to that story...
That even though that was probably the hardest year of my life, good news is, now my husband doesn't take for granted when I can pleasantly interact with my children. It is quite nice to glance up when I'm with my kids and notice that he is smiling at us. Even-though I can't speak for him, I honestly, I would rather him have always taken that for granted, then know the difference.

Nine year olds are important too

If you know my husband you know he is always looking for our next big adventure. A few months ago he was looking into an adventure, and so I started looking into too. I don't always invest myself in his adventures but this one had a way of finding me. As I started looking into schools, I thought about our move here. And I had a very strong impression the Lord doesn't just care about adults, he cares deeply about kids too, he cares for where one 9 year old and one 6 year old go to school. He cared where that 5 year old went to school. He led me to early intervention for a 3 year old, because honestly when someone gave me the information, I had never even thought of it. I didn't realize it could be so helpful. I think about the people that have helped me with that child and they have been Godsent. Someone of them, I would have never expected to show up in our lives. Especially because now that child is probably my easiest, if someone would have told me that in the past, I would have laughed at them.
Anyway, in true blogging form, I digress.  The point is The Lord cares where a 9 year old goes to school. In fact when I was thinking about this last fall, I had the thought he probably cares more about that 9 year old go to school then the house his parents live in. That is a huge deal for me, for so many reasons, but my child's education is one of the most important things in my life.

Fathers on Mother's Day

As I've mentioned I spent all of my teenage years opposed to the thought of me physically becoming a mom. Because of my strong opinions, I've then had to spend a large part of the next ten years wrapping my brain around being a mom to my kids and doing a good job after fighting the idea for such a formative time as a teenager. Throughout the last ten years I've honestly haven't given much thought to my husband's mental understanding of being a parent. But after listening to a conference talk from the Priesthood session in April's general conference I've been reflecting on it. He is a really excellent father and husband, maybe its because he had mentally prepared unlike his wife.

A little over nine years ago, a co-worker of his asked if he has worried about becoming a dad, (I was very pregnant at the time). He easily replied to her, "Are you kidding? I've been waiting for this since I was eleven."

I wanted to find some quotes from the above mentioned conference talk, but I couldn't its the whole idea that I liked, so I figured I'd just copy and paste the majority of the thing.

Fatherhood—Our Eternal Destiny By Larry M. Gibson, Recently Released First Counselor in the Young Men General Presidency

My father taught me a significant lesson when I was young. He sensed that I was becoming too enamored with temporal things. When I had money, I immediately spent it—almost always on myself. [..] 

“Larry,” he continued, “‘seek not the things of this world but seek … first … the kingdom of God, and to establish [His] righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you’” (Joseph Smith Translation, Matthew 6:38 [inMatthew 6:33, footnote a]). 

He told me to keep the [silver] dollar and never lose it. Each time I looked at it, I was to think about the eternal destiny that Heavenly Father has for me. 

I loved my father and how he taught. I wanted to be like him. He planted in my heart the desire to be a good father, and my deepest hope is that I am living up to his example. 

Our beloved prophet, President Thomas S. Monson, has often said that our decisions determine our destiny and have eternal consequences (see “Decisions Determine Destiny” [Church Educational System fireside, Nov. 6, 2005], 2; lds.org/broadcasts). 

Should we not, then, develop a clear vision of our eternal destiny, particularly the one that Heavenly Father wants us to achieve—eternal fatherhood? Let our eternal destiny drive all of our decisions. Regardless of how difficult those decisions may be, Father will sustain us. 

I learned about the power of such a vision when I joined my 12- and 13-year-old sons for a 50/20 competition. A 50/20 consists of walking 50 miles (80 km) in less than 20 hours. We started at 9:00 p.m. and walked all that night and most of the next day. It was an excruciating 19 hours, but we succeeded. 

Upon returning home, we literally crawled into the house, where a wonderful wife and mother had prepared a lovely dinner, which we didn’t touch. My younger son collapsed, totally exhausted, on the couch, while my older son crawled downstairs to his bedroom.
After some painful rest of my own, I went to my younger son to make sure he was still alive. 

“Are you OK?” I asked. 

“Dad, that was the hardest thing I have ever done, and I never want to do it again.”
I wasn’t about to tell him that I would never do it again either. Instead, I told him how proud I was that he had accomplished such a hard thing. I knew it would prepare him for other hard things he would face in his future. With that thought, I said, “Son, let me make you this promise. When you go on your mission, you will never have to walk 50 miles in one day.” 

“Good, Dad! Then I’m going.” 

Those simple words filled my soul with gratitude and joy.
I then went downstairs to my oldest son. I lay by him—then touched him. “Son, are you all right?” 

“Dad, that was the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life, and I will never, ever do it again.” His eyes closed—then opened—and he said, “Unless my son wants me to.”
Tears came as I expressed how grateful I was for him. I told him I knew he was going to be a much better father than I was. My heart was full because at his young and tender age he already recognized that one of his most sacred priesthood duties was to be a father. He had no fear of that role and title—the very title that God Himself wants us to use when we speak to Him. I knew I had the responsibility to nurture the embers of fatherhood that were burning within my son. 

These words of the Savior took on a much deeper meaning to me as a father:
“The Son can do nothing of himself, but what he seeth the Father do: for [whatsoever things He] doeth, these also doeth the Son likewise” (John 5:19). 

“I do nothing of myself; but as my Father hath taught me” (John 8:28). 

I love being a husband and father—married to a chosen daughter of heavenly parents. I love her. It is one of the most fulfilling parts of my life. My hope that night was that my five sons and their sister would always see in me the joy that comes from eternal marriage, fatherhood, and family. 

Fathers, I am sure you have heard the saying “Preach the gospel at all times, and when necessary use words” (attributed to Francis of Assisi). Every day you are teaching your children what it means to be a father. You are laying a foundation for the next generation. Your sons will learn how to be husbands and fathers by observing the way you fulfill these roles. For example: 

Do they know how much you love and cherish their mother and how much you love being their father? 

They will learn how to treat their future wife and children as they watch you treat each one of them just as Heavenly Father would. 

Through your example, they can learn how to respect, honor, and protect womanhood. 

In your home, they can learn to preside over their family in love and righteousness. They can learn to provide the necessities of life and protection for their family—temporally and spiritually (see “The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” Ensign or Liahona, Nov. 2010, 129).

Brethren, with all the energy of my soul, I ask you to consider this question: Do your sons see you striving to do what Heavenly Father would have them do? 

I pray the answer is yes. If the answer is no, it’s not too late to change, but you must begin today. And I testify that Heavenly Father will help you. 

Now, you young men, whom I dearly love, you know you are preparing to receive the Melchizedek Priesthood, receive sacred temple ordinances, fulfill your duty and obligation to serve a full-time mission, and then, without waiting too long, get married in the temple to a daughter of God and have a family. You are then to lead your family in spiritual things as guided by the Holy Ghost (see D&C 20:44; 46:2; 107:12). 

I have asked many young men around the world, “Why are you here?” 

So far, not one has responded, “To learn to be a father, that I might be prepared and qualified to receive all that Heavenly Father has.” 

Let’s examine your Aaronic Priesthood duties as described in section 20 of the Doctrine and Covenants. Be sensitive to what you feel as I apply these duties to your service in your family. 

“Invite all [of your family] to come unto Christ” (verse 59). 

“Watch over [them] always, and be with and strengthen them” (verse 53). 

“Preach, teach, expound, exhort, and baptize” members of your family (verse 46). 

“Exhort them to pray vocally and in secret and attend to all family duties” (verse 47). 

“See that there is no iniquity in [your family], neither hardness with each other, neither lying, backbiting, nor evil speaking” (verse 54). 

“See that [your family meets] together often” (verse 55). 

Assist your father in his duties as patriarch. Support your mother with priesthood strength when a father is not present (see verses 52, 56). 

When asked, “ordain other priests, teachers, and deacons” in your family (verse 48).Doesn’t this sound like the work and role of a father ? 

Fulfilling your Aaronic Priesthood duties is preparing you young men for fatherhood. The Duty to God resource can help you learn about and make specific plans to fulfill your duties. It can serve as a guide and assistance as you seek Heavenly Father’s will and set goals to accomplish it. 

Father in Heaven has brought you here at this particular time for a special work and eternal purpose. He wants you to see clearly and understand what that purpose is. He is your Father, and you can always turn to Him for guidance. 

I know that Heavenly Father is concerned about each of us individually and has a personal plan for us to achieve our eternal destiny. He has sent His Only Begotten Son, Jesus Christ, to help us overcome our imperfections through the Atonement. He has blessed us with the Holy Ghost to be a witness, companion, and guide to our eternal destination if we will rely on Him. May we each enjoy the fulness of Father’s blessings in this life and the fulfillment of His work and His glory by becoming fathers to our families for eternity (see Moses 1:39). In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Lastly, it is not uncommon for me to totally loose my footing in life and question my current role, but my husband has always been extremely patient with me, assuring me back to the peace I need in my life. But I have always been very appreciative that my husband has never told me how to be a mom.

Consigned

After a short conversation with my husband about moving, I realized I should change my perspective. I've been counting down the days, (not literally since we have no where to go). Then after a short conversation I realized I'd rather stay in my house at this price and location, then move to a larger fixer upper or to a different school district. Its slightly lame. But unless Spain works out, I've decided to be happy in this house until my oldest goes to middle school. Especially because if I move to Spain, I'll be living in a smaller place with less bathrooms, less yard, less garage, smaller sink, smaller kitchen, smaller oven, etc etc

I could make a whole list of things that my house doesn't have, but most of it I don't care about.

I only wish it had a pantry, another bedroom, and new carpet. But it doesn't, instead it has:

• a guest bathroom
• a game room
• a laundry room
• a large swing set
• a large backyard
• an attic
• a three car garage
• tall shade trees
• six parks within a mile our house
• sidewalks, for so many years I just wanted to live somewhere with sidewalks
• a walk in closet in the master bedroom
• nice countertops
• a good stove and oven
• a good dishwasher
• a huge kitchen sink
• a garage that leads directly to the kitchen
• space to move in our kitchen
• a front porch
• a large back patio
• good schools
• mountain views
• two cars we own out right
• a large pile of bikes
• new door mats (I spent $20 and I'm so happy with the results, its the little things)
• a retirement plan for the homeowners

I had a bishop that use to say, "nothing changes if nothing changes." I always think of that when progress isn't happening fast enough. I realized last night, that I'm annoyed that for over year my health isn't where I want it to be. Slowly but surely something changes and its one less thing to fix. For example I no longer have slipped disk pain (although I still have sciatic nerve pain), I think the truth of the matter is, I want things to change faster they are, so if I lived somewhere else then that would be change. By the way, I know his phrase isn't actually what I'm talking about but I still always think of it. There are things I would like to change to my house but they would make no increase to resale value so I'm not doing them because it costs money. Its making me restless. I should probably do it... but for example if there is a piece of furniture that I want to change out, I don't want to do that if I'm then going to get rid of it in a year. 

So I'm trying to change my perspective so I'm satisfied with what I have.

Although as an ending I'll put the things I'd love to change out, just because admitting them will help me stop obsessing. 

• Less stuff, every time I find boxes of stuff to get rid of, I feel better
• New exterior paint
• some changes in landscaping (I'm highly considering doing this this summer, since I think it could help curb appeal)
• trash all my kitchen chairs and buy two new ones and two benches
• different furniture in the kids bedrooms so we fit better
• a computer chair 
• new desks in our bedroom (I've hated those desks longer than we've lived in the house)
• new carpet
• tile floors in the two bathrooms that don't have tile
• a new vanity in my kid's bathroom 

The things I like about my house far outweigh what I want to change, and whether I move or not, I will still have children that scream at me every day, and I will still have a toddler that tries to physically hurt me when he is angry. So I need to realize that my house won't change any of that. And there are things I absolutely love about my house that I'm often afraid I won't have in my next house.

In closing, #firstworldproblems

The End of an Era

For the past year, a little over a year, I have been serving as the Relief Society Secretary in my ward (ie secretary of the women's organization of our local church congregation.) There were definitely parts of my responsibilities that got on my nerves but overall if I had to pick a calling this would definitely be high on the list. Number one reason why, I barely had to interact with people. I wasn't taking care of children, people didn't come to me with their problems, I didn't have to run meetings or plan anything. I just helped the presidency members, took roll and wrote up meeting agendas. It was amazing. In my previous calling I was in charge of a committee of 5-10 women for almost two years. I was so happy that I was no longer in charge of people/a committee of people. (I did enjoy that calling, but after two years I was definitely ready for a change.) I definitely felt like secretary was were I was suppose to be last year while having postpartum depression, I would have been unable to organize other humans whether they were 4 year olds or adults, it was such a blessing that the only communication I had to do was ask two women to give prayers.

In case you did the math, I spent the last 3 years in serving in Relief Society. It was a blessing, its where I need to be with being pregnant twice, so many new babies, and postpartum depression. Before that I was in primary for 5 years, primary definitely has its ups and downs. I love those years to but I needed to be in Relief Society for these three years. That's not entirely true, I was over Activity Days (weekday activities for girls 8-11) for the first two years of that five years, I didn't love that. I learned to love the girls, but every activity for two years challenging me immensely. Part of the reason it was so hard was because my daughter wasn't born yet, I didn't understand tween girls.

I have a new calling, but you'll have to wait until next week for the reveal. It was a shot in the dark for my husband and I-- totally didn't see it coming. It will be good, I'm oddly excited. A month ago I thought I would be devastated if they released me from Secretary, but its all good. It will definitely be a good change for more reasons then I'll type.

Post Reading Program Reading

Double Crossed: A Spies and Thieves Story by Ally Carter
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

This is a very short read that I got for free on Amazon. I very much enjoyed it. If you like Gallagher Girls and Heist Society then I assure you will like it. It reminded me of how much I like the Heist Society books (much more than Gallagher Girls). Its a book about Macey McHenry and Hale running into each other in their high society life since they are both blue bloods. After reading this book, I wish there were more stories about Kat requisition Nazi stolen art. This book had nothing to do with Kat and Nazi art.

View all my reviews The Invention of Hugo Cabret by Brian Selznick
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I got this book for my 9 year old to read. After he finished he told me I should read it too. I didn't want to but the for the sake of looking like I care about the things he cares about, I read it. I loved it! I read it in a day which isn't that hard because 3/4 of it is pictures. I loved the story line and the characters. I enjoyed how the plot developed. I would totally recommend it.


View all my reviews

Jackpot: A Swindle Mystery by Gordon Korman
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Fun read, finishes off the series, I believe. I don't know what else to say, Book #4 was my favorite.


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Hideout by Gordon Korman
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Book five in the Swindle series, Swindle comes back with vengeance. While I was reading this we went for a hike in the mountains, it definitely set the scene. I enjoyed the read.


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Showoff by Gordon Korman
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

This book was my favorite of the series. I really enjoyed this one. I'm not sure why I enjoyed a book about two 13 year old boys trying to enter a dog show. But it was a fun read, I also liked the dog trainer.


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Framed by Gordon Korman
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

This book is more of the same series. I'm still reading them so they aren't bad, but this book had a little more teenage angst than I usually prefer. As the title implies the main character gets framed. It did a have a cute ending.


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Zoobreak by Gordon Korman
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

This book was a little too juvenile for me, but my 9 year old is getting a good kick out of me reading a series with him. This is book two and this is enough for me to be annoyed that the characters all think they are smarter than adults. I'm sure that is one of the reasons my 9 year old likes it. But the end of the book redeemed itself, when his mom asked him why he doesn't trust grownups, why does he treat them like the enemy. I was going to quit the series, but the end had a cliff hanger. (view spoiler)[ The police told them they won't get off so easily next time. I mean truly how many times do kids get off lucky. But yet aren't these books about kids involved in heists?  (hide spoiler)]


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Swindle by Gordon Korman
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

This was a fun book about a bunch of 6 graders, but I'd hardly say I loved it. My 9 year old very much enjoyed reading it and is now continuing in the series. I love heist stories so I was hoping I would enjoy more than I did. I might read more books in the series to bond with my 9 year old. But then again, I might not make time. Definitely a kid a book.


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United We Spy by Ally Carter
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Well this is the end of the series. I enjoyed the series more than I expected. I enjoyed this book. I don't know what else to say without including spoilers. It pretty much ended in a "and they all lived happily ever after" disney kind of way. Which was nice, and also makes sense because since the publisher was Disney Hyperion Books.


Out of Sight, Out of Time by Ally Carter
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I very much enjoyed this book. As the cover would suggest the plot is much darker in this book then the others. For some reason I never fail to be surprised that books in a series reference each other. Really what she wrote in book 1, has to do with book 5?! She's had the whole series planned out?!



Only the Good Spy Young by Ally Carter
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

This is series is getting good. I can't wait to read what happens next. The plot is getting a lot more involved and deep. I don't know what else to say without including spoilers. But I definitely didn't expect the lady with the eyes from Boston to be who it is.


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Nut Allergy?

WARNING: A post that contains health concerns. could be deemed #tmi

So it has come to my recent attention that I might have a nut allergy.  As long as I can remember I've hated peanut butter. Its not even that I hate it, I am unable to eat it. I've tried but I just can't end up swallowing it. It just gets stuck in my mouth, I physically can't make my mouth swallow the bread with peanut butter on it. For years I've thought I wished I like peanut butter it seems like such a versatile snack, not only it is full of protein and healthy fats it is shelf stable!

I am the same with almonds and walnuts, I can chew them up but I physically can't swallow them, no matter how much I try they stay in my mouth.
Funny thing my oldest child as a toddler absolutely refused to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with his father. He had no idea I didn't eat them, he just knew he himself would not eat them. His grandfather use to feed him almonds and he would chew them up and then come and spit them up in my lap. It drove me absolutely batty every time his grandpa would feed him almonds! Never once did I see him swallow a single almond. It took months before my son finally stopped taking them.


So fast forward to the last few months I've been trying to eat "healthier". Everyone talks about how healthy nuts are and then I'm filled with shame that I'm such "picky eater" and don't like most nuts. (I use the quotes because this is what other people say to me.)  So I bought a large bucket of cashews at the store, they are one of the few nuts I can physically swallow.
Also as the time went on, I was getting these wicked headaches, that would last for days, and my mouth would break out in huge canker sores all over my mouth. Covered-- I felt like I maybe should visit the CDC. I assumed it was related to hormones since I was in the process of weaning my baby.
We went on vacation for spring break and I didn't eat any nuts all week, and I was taking the herb myrrh because it is antiseptic and I thought it might help the canker infestation. It did, I felt great by the time we got back from vacation. My mouth after months finally stopped hurting every waking minute.
One day after this I was feeling great, but hungry for a snack, I grabbed a handful of cashews. I instantly got a headache. So thinking that I should "eat more non-animal protein" grabbed another handful. My head hurt so bad, I had to lay down. So I stopped eating cashews.
Then a few weeks later I was talking with a few friends and one mentioned her nut allergy. After awhile another one said yeah, I have a tree nut sensitivity and my mouth breaks out in canker sores when I eat them, but sometimes I really just crave walnuts. All of sudden all the dots clicked. I practically jumped out of my seat asking for more information.

All the stars aligned, that's what was causing the canker sores, the headaches, why I've always been a "picky eater" and not liked nuts, why I'm physically unable to swallow so many nuts.

Here is the real question, I hate coconut. For very much the same reason. I'm physically unable to swallow coconut, it just stays in my mouth. Now I know its coconut, but I've assumed its not really a nut. Its just called a nut, but it does grow in trees....  
So I googled it, this is what I found "Coconut is not a botanical nut; it is classified as a fruit, even though the Food and Drug Administration recognizes coconut as a tree nut. While allergic reactions to coconut have been documented, most people who are allergic to tree nuts can safely eat coconut. If you are allergic to tree nuts, talk to your allergist before adding coconut to your diet." source
Hmm, it says most people, what if I'm not most people...


I'm pretty sure my oldest inherited this lovely tree nut, peanut and coconut sensitivity from me. My daughter liked peanut as a toddler when her daddy would eat it until she noticed her brother and I never ate it. I don't think she has the same problem. She also likes coconut. My third child, LOVES nuts, every type of nut I've feed him, including peanut butter sandwiches.
Funny back story, years ago we mentioned to a cousin of mine that my oldest didn't like peanut butter. They said he might have an allergy, because they just found out their toddler was allergic to peanut butter. She said they were always trying to feed it to him, and no matter how much they hid it he would not eat it. We said, nah, he is just picky. Hmm, maybe he might be allergic too....


Lastly, before I posted this I wanted to make sure I wasn't totally crazy, so I looked it up.
The Mayo Clinic website says,

The precise cause of canker sores remains unclear, though researchers suspect that a combination of factors contributes to outbreaks, even in the same person.

Possible triggers for canker sores include:

• A minor injury to your mouth from dental work, overzealous brushing, sports mishaps or an accidental cheek bite
• Toothpastes and mouth rinses containing sodium lauryl sulfate
• Food sensitivities, particularly to chocolate, coffee, strawberries, eggs, nuts, cheese, and spicy or acidic foods
• A diet lacking in vitamin B-12, zinc, folate (folic acid) or iron
• An allergic response to certain bacteria in your mouth
• Helicobacter pylori, the same bacteria that cause peptic ulcers
• Hormonal shifts during menstruation
• Emotional stress

Now I know this is #tmi, so continue under your own choice. Other than helicobacter pylori and other bacterias, I pretty much am a case study for every thing on that list. :(
I can't use crest pro-health toothpaste.