Angry

Two weeks ago I wrote a big long post on me having postpartum depression. I would love to post it, but I need to reread it first and edit and such, and its much to overwhelming to accomplish.

The main point of the post is the first time I had postpartum depression was after my second child. I went comatose. I just sat in my recliner staring at the wall or at my children. It was a slow process, but eventually I realized I did nothing all day. (My husband was working full time and doing an MBA and he didn't notice.) I also got it after baby number 3. I almost forgot I had it, until I found journal I kept for a month after someone's urging. The last entry went on for pages and it listed out everything I hated. The depression mostly disappeared when I got pregnant again. I did have a few days in the middle of the end my last pregnancy where I worried I was getting prenatal depression like with my first, but they were fleeting. Mostly I think they were just there to remind me that I am not immune.

 Lately, on my bad days, which according to my texts to my husband is every day. I keep thinking, "I hate..." I didn't realize this until today, but hello, that isn't me, when I am not depressed I can't think of a time I "hate" anything. When I am sane I feel like hate is too passionate of an emotion to give to things I don't like.
I realized when I am depressed and I don't have time to go comatose I end up angry at everything and hating everything. In the long run its actually better, because I notice my anger faster than my checked out self.
Most days the depression clouds my brain with toxic thoughts, but over the last month every so often there is a voice in the back of my head that tells me to do something. Something I don't want to do for all of the world, but this isn't my first rodeo so I know if I act on the promptings life will slowly get better.
Some of the things are,

• Tell your husband (this was really hard, I put it off for a few days, finally I thought for mine and my children's well being, I needed to tell someone. At first I thought a therapist because I wanted anonymity. Then I realized I really couldn't hid that from him. After talking to him together I feel I'm slowly getting on top of it.)
• Start drinking the postpartum herbal tea sitting in your freezer 
• Walk away from your children
• Pray
• Read the Book of Mormon
• Remember his hand is stretched out still
• Remember a time when you knew you knew
• Send your children to play in the backyard
• No matter what you've told yourself feeding your children a healthy dinner is not the most important thing of the day. Turns out we all survive if they eat cold cereal.
• Read your patriarchal blessing (Holy Smokes, apparently things were getting bad, I didn't even recognize the girl written in those pages.)
• Send your children to play in the basement
• Tell your mom (I really really didn't want to do that.)
• Tell L, L, and L (If you think I didn't want to tell my mom, this one was much much harder! It took me days to listen.)
• Listen to Conference (thank goodness I listen to conference a regular basis, otherwise how would various talks pop into my head, when things are bad.)
• Look up Elder Holland's talk on Depression
• Look up Elder Holland's talk on Doubt
• Don't be too hard on yourself, remember Elder Bednar's talk on Prayer in 2008

I am now drinking a postpartum tea, taking a hormonal supplement, using some aromatherapy, and taking vitamin D. Some days I feel like myself again, its wonderful. Other days I'm very angry, and then I meet my husband at REI after work, and he takes my children home while I wander wander wander in as many stores as I can find. Ok, I only did that once. But it worked I didn't yell at anyone the next day.
Overall the worst part of it, is knowing you are yelling for no reasons and not being able to stop because everything is driving you up the wall crazy.

I'm honestly not sure why I posted this.

I've started blogging over the last few weeks/months if you didn't notice. I think it was because of the depression. I'm not sure if I needed a creative outlet, or if I just like the computer screen firing neurons in my brain. (Last time I crafted as an anti-depressive, but with two under two there is no time to craft.)

Years ago when I finally told people I had postpartum depression after my second baby, people who didn't even know us then. It was so liberating. That's probably why I'm posting this.

My postpartum depression does not start when they are 6 weeks old, this is actually the earliest I've ever gotten it.