First Ponytail

My daughters hair is almost growing out. Her hairline has finally reached to top of her forehead. She now just needs to fill in her parking lots, well that and length. The little bit of length she does get I cut off. She could now have a mullet midway down her back, if it wasn't for me welding scissors. I don't have a love for mullets, and never realize how happy her short hair makes me until I cut it. She has gained enough hair for hair clips, and I realized I could give her the pebbles-do. (Her head is too oval for headbands.)

In case you were wondering, those are signs on the bathroom door, saying no babies, the bathroom is a no baby zone except at bathtime.

Window Watching

This girl is 100% my daughter. She is sitting by the window eating cheerios.

My friend Laura in a previous post said I need a house with a sliding porch door on day. I have a sliding porch door, and the first thing I do after getting showered and dressed is open the blinds, (and in the kitchen window blinds) hoping that sun will filter through the glass. When my husband is working at home and gets cold, he comes out and sits in the sun patches like a cat. We love sunlight in our house.

In the kitchen

As a young child of 10ish, I remember telling people I'm not going to get married until I'm at least 25, I have things to do before that-- getting married young is silly. As I got older, at about age 14, I had sworn off marriage, it seemed good for nothing, except bring children in the world, something I had no interest in. I babysat usually 3 times a week, and had my fill of children for a lifetime. My husband doesn't believe me, but in Young Womens lessons about the importance of temple marriage, I was very honest in telling my leaders I didn't want to get married. (They never knew quite what to do with that information.) Other than cleaning the house I had no interested in domestic matters. I stopped helping in yard work at about age 13. I stopped baking probably by 12, and never did show much enthusiasm for cooking. My mother always planned on teaching me to cook, but despite her best efforts I was always too busy with school, part times jobs, friends or sunday naps.
Clearly my life path did not go according to plan. But the bizarre thing out of all of this is not that I got married and had children young. But in how satisfying I find cooking dinner for my family on a regular basis (notice I did not say nightly) and baking with my kids.
Today was successful if for nothing else, I fed my children hot cereal for breakfast, (Campbell's chicken noodle soup for lunch), homemade enchiladas (that they ate!) for dinner, with green beans, and my son and I baked homemade cookies tonight after putting the baby down.
(Speaking of which what makes cookie paddles so great Liz?)

A second?

What I've been thought a lot about lately is the worry with your first child if they seem to be perfect. How can you ever have more, the first barely cries, or sleeps through the night or whatever the first child does to make them so easy going. How can you ever have another one, how can we drop from perfect?
I remember asking my mom when my first was a baby, what do you say when people ask you if you have a good baby and they aren't? My first was a good baby.

Well my first child was perfect, so low maintenance, barely cried, then I had a second. She is moody, fussy, was refluxy and although not quite colic, cried enough not to wish to meet the criteria, and even before all that she was a difficult pregnancy the entire 9 months. Sometimes I wonder if we ever graduated from those stages, she still cries a lot, she still spits up at least once a week. When asked if she was a good baby, I respond laughing, no, but we love her, she cries all the time, and spits, but we love her, as I finished my giggles off by kissing her cheek. I love her, whether others view her as "good" or not.

But here is what I've learned, in a bizarre way its easier to see how natural loving your child comes. Its easy to love a low maintenance baby, everyone wants to hold a low maintenance baby, it make everyone happy to hold a content chubby cheek happy baby. I can't really explain it, but the real miracle comes in how effortlessly I love the high maintenance baby. Everyone gets annoyed that she won't let them hold her, but you can't change my high maintenance baby, its just who she is. It is who she was before she was born, and its who she is over a year later. She is my baby that screams and I kiss her anyway, knowing she is my nan baby. The few times my low maintenance first baby did cry, I thought of holy smokes I can never have a second child. But when I hold my high maintenance fussy baby, my heart swells with love. I don't love the screams but I love her, and so I love who she is no matter what. I can't wait for her to stop crying but yet I understand eternal perfected love so much better. It is totally miserable with a screaming baby, but yet I love her. She was who introduced chaos into our calm introverted quiet family, the chaos has set me free and being a mother is so much fun. I can totally have more kids. Where with my "good" baby I thought I don't think I can ever do this again. My second taught me that family is about crazy choas that looks like a mess from the outside but is perfect in the inside.



That being said the kids are completely different and can't really compare. The pictures are totally not fair to my daughter. Other than that is exactly what she looks like soo much of the time, and even with the tears she is beautiful. We have so many pictures of her crying because she is just so darn cute, and does it all the time. I have practically no pictures of my son crying as a baby, because he didn't cry, although that has now been remedied, both him crying and pictures. My husband and I love this picture that was taken a few weeks ago, they got in a fight, and both ended up crying. I don't mean to say I love one of my children more than the other, they are just very different and I've noticed how different it is to parent them as babies. During number one I was blessed with an easy going baby so I could go to school, with number two I have been blessed with an outpouring of love to help me survive when I want to pull my hair out.

A disclaimer

By the way I know my life is very blessed and that I am in want of nothing. I know I am in excellent physical health, I know my children are beautiful and healthy. I know my cupboards are overflowing with food. I know my husband has a good steady job, that we can pay rent every month, play car insurance, pay if our car breaks down, pay the bills, buy groceries. I know all that, I know that we have been warm inside our central air house. I know I married a great man who is an excellent father and husband. I know that I was raised with the same blessings. I know that I live in a nice comfortable place. I know that my country is not ravished by war, I know my children are safe to go play outside. I am able to have an opinion on whether I think our politics are in sorry shape or fantastic. I know am I able to walk to church every Sunday, to believe what I want. To feel liberated by what I believe. But yet sometimes that is what it makes it so difficult when I never want to climb out of bed. When I want to pull the covers over my head and never emerge I know I have about every blessing anyone could want (even if we aren't home owners, we don't care, at this point). We are so blessed we have the trial of trying to cram all our stuff in our house, or tripping over our possessions. Which makes it hard, makes me feel even more pathetic I think why if nothing is going wrong to I feel so miserable. Some people like to read inspiring stories of people rising from the ashes, to humble themselves. That doesn't work for me I feel even worse, like I'm not worthy of being capable with all I have been blessed with.
The point of all this, is I don't want anyone to happens across all my rants to think I'm complaining. I am complaining, but not like I wish my life was better. I'm just verbalizing my emotional roller coaster. No need to play the littlest violin for me. I understand I have nothing to feel bad about, I'm not looking for your pity. I'm really not, I'm just hoping writing all this down, will help me pull the covers off my head and emerge a capable adult. That may not want to go sing in church choir but isn't paralyzed by it, or by feeding her fussy kids breakfast.

I truly and honestly am not looking for anyone's sympathy or contempt. I'm just keeping a journal. Sometimes I think I should make it private and not even allow my husband to view it, ok he could when I stay logged on to the computer. This is really just an electric version of the pink diary with the locket. Except locking it and hiding it under my mattress I publish it for the whole world to see? I don't know, don't ask me to explain myself, I don't ask you to explain yourself. Maybe my problem comes in that I never owned a pink locked diary. I just don't understand what you should lock to yourself and share with the world. That is definitely my problem, my mother was unsuccessful at teaching me not to hang my dirty laundry out for the world. Just be glad I don't share fights with my husband on my blog. Although I guess maybe we don't have any, he would tell you that. We both make a point of not holding grudges or remembering disagreements, so incidentally we don't ever remember not getting along. Right there is the problem all is perfect in paradise, but yet its hard to happy... why?
I really do love my life and feel blessed.

Back?

I might be back to my old self again, or I might just be on vacation to my old self, finding myself this weekend, in my bedroom with the door shut by myself. What ever the case I feel better than I did last week. Winter seems overly long, but I know one day it will be warm outside and sunny. I have changed two things-- given myself two mantras. "I can do hard things" Thanks whatever lady general authority said that, I taped it my kitchen cupboard and in my bathroom. Its reminding me I can do hard things, like pull myself out of bed in the morning and make breakfast for crying children. Yes, some of you can think your life is easy stop complaining, but we each struggle with different things. Mine would be Seasonal Affective Disorder, I always get like this in the late winter. Luckily the birds have returned, I have heard them singing, as had my son, we love the birds singing in the morning. Other Mantra, "I can choose to be flexible" Lately I have had a hard time not completely melting down if something doesn't go as planned to MY schedule. My poor husband, I haven't told him MY schedule he is just suppose to know it and do it, and it never works, not to mention his schedule actually involves real things like working and going to school. Last mantra, "my children are not vindictive". I keep thinking my daughter is out to get me, is being spiteful when she cries instead of falling asleep immediately. I think of it as a personal vendetta towards me. When in reality it is nothing of the sort, she is a baby. As my husband pointed out I don't immediately fall asleep either.
After my nap on Sunday I felt like I had woke up, in more than one way. I was able to make dinner, I was able to deal with whiny kids. Since sunday, I've planned out the menu for the week. I've cleaned the kitchen multiple times, I've dealt with insurance, I feel like bad to my old self, but only paritally, each day has been a forced decision to be a capable adult. As long as I remember my mantras.
I can do hard things
I can choose to be flexible
My children are not vindictive. (I mean come on look at her)

Februaries

You know that primary meeting I didn't want to go to. Well during the meeting part of it, the Primary president read part of Teach Ye Diligently, by Boyd K. Packer I could only hear part of what she was saying, because my baby was crying off and on, but she something to the effect of. Come February after a long winter many people think something is wrong with them. They have a bad case of the Februaries, and if they can just make it to spring, they'll realize all is well again. I think my entire house has a bad case of Februaries, even my kids, but probably me the worst. As my husband sat curled up in the recliner under a blanket it we agreed we both have a bad case of the Februaries, which makes it hard for anyone to take care of the other. I know if I can just get to spring life will be fine, the kids and I can spend all day outside, playing, going for walks, going to the farm, and at the playground, even if I don't cook dinner once during the entire summer we will survive just fine soaking up the vitamin D watching cute baby legs pop out of onesies. I just don't know how I'll survive until spring.... tv anyone?!
Anyone else suffer from the Februaries?

Today

Today I got to see my oldest brother. This is very exciting because its the first time in two years, I have seen him. Here he is with my baby. She finally warmed up to him after about four hours. Its pretty fun because our daughters got mixed up in heaven. Nine years ago he had a daughter that looked just like my baby pictures, and now my daughter looks like his baby pictures except a girl not a boy.

While at my grandparents my husband lost his wedding ring down the heating shaft. An hour later, he successfully retrieved.

While there my kids got to ride their bikes.

Ha ha, Funny story today. I get out of the shower, and I hear my daughter screaming and my husband saying you have to wear pants. Now I know my daughter is girly and picky, so I go save them both the misery and say she can wear a dress, and pull the first one out of the closet. She ended up happy, and he ended up defensive. But I totally understand, I'm not knocking my husband, our 14 month old is extremely challenging to dress if you want to avoid face slaps, head shaking "no" and screams, unless you realize she likes dresses, frills, and ruffles, it can be pants as long as you play up the girlishness. She can only say "ma" and "ya" but she understands any girly pretty word. Look at all that hair she is finally growing, you see that, her hairline is almost to her forehead. I can finally pull some hair into a clip. Her head is way too oval for her to look good in headbands (she gets that from me).

Even more

After writing all that about Exodus and Water, I remember I should be listening to conference talks before I watch hours of hulu tv. So I did, I watched, To Acquire Spiritual Guidance by Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. His talk was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Here is the specific part that was for me.

The inspiring influence of the Holy Spirit can be overcome or masked by strong emotions, such as anger, hate, passion, fear, or pride. When such influences are present, it is like trying to savor the delicate flavor of a grape while eating a jalapeño pepper. Both flavors are present, but one completely overpowers the other. In like manner, strong emotions overcome the delicate promptings of the Holy Spirit.

A few paragraphs down he says,

I share a warning. Satan is extremely good at blocking spiritual communication by inducing individuals, through temptation, to violate the laws upon which spiritual communication is founded. With some, he is able to convince them that they are not able to receive such guidance from the Lord.

Blogger is being silly, I have no idea how to fix this formatting, and don't care. Reason # 800 million why Shannon doesn't like blogger. And Reason #800 million trillion my husband doesn't like GNU (gooey)

New Topic: Water

For my next topic of study I chose water, since it is often symbolic of covenants made with God. With my full time gig I'm not able to attend the temple as often as I'd like, so I figure better study up. Last night I read, Exodus 17, which then references Deut. 8: 15; Ps. 78: 20; Isa. 48: 21; 1 Ne. 17: 29; 2 Ne. 25: 20. I realized I'm not much better than the Israelites right now. Sure I feel like I'm wandering around in my own wilderness right now, but I have blessings all around, and I'm probably being being just as ignorant as them.
I was first called to repentance when I read Deuteronomy 8, (because as we all know the poor can be prideful just as much a rich-- I'm poor in time)

14 Then thine heart be lifted up, and thou forget the Lord thy God, which brought thee forth out of the land of Egypt, from the house of bondage;

15 Who led thee through that great and terrible wilderness, wherein were fiery serpents, and scorpions, and drought, where there was no water; who brought thee forth water out of the rock of flint;

16 Who fed thee in the wilderness with manna, which thy fathers knew not, that he might humble thee, and that he might prove thee, to do thee good at thy latter end;

17 And thou say in thine heart, My power and the might of mine hand hath gotten me this wealth.

One way we have been blessed we live less than 20 minutes away from the University instead of an hour away like when we did when my husband took his GMAT. Plus the the whole reason we moved was because my husband got a new job, and a big fat raise so we are actually able to pay for his tuition. Now many would say, my husband got the job because he went to college, and he has experience, he was the best qualified candidate for the job. This may all be true, but I do not believe Brent got the job on his own. I believe the Lord opened doors for him to make it possible. The Lord opens doors and gives blessings all the time that we can chose to partake of, he never forces us. So anything we think we did something ourselves we didn't really, we just chose to walk in a door or a window he opened for us. Just like with the fiery serpents, we have to look to live. The Lord doesn't force anyone to partake of the blessing. Things will all work out after we do all that we can, is a blessing from the Lord. My husband has so much more faithful than me, and always says things will all work out, I say no they won't while on the verge of tears but he is right they always work out. Even if they don't work out the way I want. The Lord will always bless us if when we look, and often times when aren't so obedient also.
Also we moved AGAIN, but it was a great move because J has so many friends all around around us, not to mention I have other mothers to talk to during the day. J has never had the option of playing with friends almost every day, and even if I'm home alone all day, at least J isn't home alone all day with me. Plus if an ememergancy did arise, I would have help if I needed it. I'm not worried every night that someone is going to break in my house like our last place. I'm not worried to be home alone without my husband day or night. Where we live now is truly a blessing.
All the previously listed scriptures called me to repentance last night, but I found 1 Nephi 17 very relateable.

30 And notwithstanding they being led, the Lord their God, their Redeemer, going before them, leading them by day and giving light unto them by night, and doing all things for them which were expedient for man to receive, they hardened their hearts and blinded their minds, and reviled against Moses and against the true and living God.

31 And it came to pass that according to his word he did destroy them; and according to his word he did lead them; and according to his word he did do all things for them; and there was not any thing done save it were by his word.

For whatever reason I think the the last 6 months have been the hardest in my adult life. I'm grateful I have a strong foundation, I can understand why one day people go to church regularly, and the next month stop. I personally feel like I've invested too much just to give up. I can put on a face and grin and bear it until it gets better.
To move onto a new analogy, we have to walk into the dark sometimes before we see the light. Well I won't be surprised if the MBA is two years of standing in the dark, waiting for the light. Which is really ok, sometimes I'll see glimmers of light, and other times I'll just have to wait.
Plus honestly, as long as I stop whining I can remember my blessings, and I'll survive just fine. Blessings, like my husband's above average company raise and bonus he just received.

Plus as Eve reminds us, we want sorrow, so we can know "...the joy of our redemption, and the eternal life which God giveth unto all the obedient. (Moses 5:11)" Want might be the wrong word but you know what I mean....

A Continuation

I have been thinking about this for days, and it will be choppy and incomplete. It is straight emotion, raw. Overall I hate the MBA program. I know my husband needs the degree, I know it will be good in the course of our life, and rather now than in 5 or 10 years, but that doesn't mean I can't dislike it currently. This is how I feel, thankfully my husband captured it on photo.
I don't like being a single mom all day and evening, I don't like being a single mom on the Saturday. I know, I should complain some people are actually single moms, and some people don't get to see their husband's come 10:30pm. But that is also what I don't like about the MBA, can I really complain? I know my situation isn't really bad, its just uncomfortable, and lonely.
I remember when I first got married my mom, saying once you have kids when you our husband isn't around you are more lonely. I didn't understand, now I do. I don't like that my husband is too tired to play in the snow my kids, I'm not suppose to be the outdoor parent. I don't like that either he has time/energy for the kids or me. I don't like that I never get a break from dishes, or from taking them to the store with me. I don't like homework, I don't like study groups, and I really don't like finals. I don't like midnight pages, luckily work has been nice, and its been a while since my husband has been up working in the middle of the night. Although he was working at 6 am the other day, when he got out of class the previous night at 10 pm.
I don't like that I have a primary meeting, that is bring your spouse to dinner, and babysitting for kids, and saying, two kids, no husband. I don't like being always in charge of baths, and bedtime, and books. I don't like getting them down, then going to do the dishes by myself.
But luckily even if study group is on Saturday, my husband makes me pancakes for breakfast. Life isn't bad, its just uncomfortable.
I wonder if I'll look back in 5 years with fondness for this time of life. I keep thinking how I look back at our undergrad with fondness. Life was super crazy, we never spent ANY money, all I did was homework. I barely had time to enjoy my baby, but yet I know I was enjoying things better than now. I think, I'm pretty sure... Then again my husband had more time, he was only working 15-20 hours of week, in addition to classes, not 40+. Plus he didn't do homework during his undergrad.
I hate when people say, an MBA isn't bad, its just two years, after its over, you wonder how it went by so quickly. Part of me wants it to go by quick so it can be done and over and we can get our dad back. But part of me wants it go super slow, my baby is already hardly a baby, I don't want her to grow up, I want her to be my bald baby. My son is already four. When we started school again, we had an 8 month old and a 3 and half year old. When my husband graduates we will have a 2 and half year old and 5 year old about to start school. Part of me wants to be finished, but part of me doesn't want to fast forward cute part of my childrens lives that will never come back. But I'm so busy and tired doing it all alone, I wonder how I will even ever remember any of it. Two years including summers is not just two years when you have little children. Luckily my husband got a new camera so he can take awesome pictures like this, even if I can't remember anything from this period because I'm so tired, at least I'll have these.



I'm sure I'll look back with fondness, but right now I can't imagine such. The other day I realized the great thing about being poor is you can see your tithing blessings. When you know you don't have enough money to get to the end of the semester and somehow there is always enough money for food, you know it is a blessing of tithing. When you know you don't have money, and your car breaks down and somehow the money just stretches you know you are blessed. Money is tight with tuition, but we are far from the poverty line, we aren't poor. Tithing doesn't hurt, fast offerings don't hurt anymore. Time hurts, other things hurt, will I one day look back with fondness? Or I will look just look back with relief that I'm not still there? I know there are blessings all around, in fact everyday we...
I don't know this all a big ramble, I'm posting it without editing it, because that is where I am right now...
Am I joyful? probably not... but I am trying, every moment I'm not angry, I'm much closer to joyful than the day before...
I'm terrible at not being a crazy mommy, but I am trying, and that will just have to be good enough.

The thing that I hate most about the MBA is it makes me tired, really tired, and when I'm really tired my husband's personality habits bother me. For the most part I have been perfectly fine with my husband not being a present person, this valentine's day it drove me up the wall (a post to follow). I don't like being annoyed at my husband for things I normally don't care about. I know we have the power to chose how we feel. But in this season of my life is much harder than most.

Joy

For the first time in my life I'm reading the scriptures not straight through a book but topical. My first topic of choice was Joy. I realized I needed to find more joy in my current role in life. I needed to enjoy my life. I needed to find "joy in the journey" as the phrases says. This is what I found, joy is not found very often in the scriptures, but when it is almost always in reference to eternal life. So this is what I realized, the only time we find true joy in this life, is when try to mimic eternity in our homes, and try to have a family worthy of eternal life. Am I succeeding? No, am I trying, yes.

Goal Before I'm 30

Overall I have set very few long term goals in my life. The one I have set is to go to all 50 states before I'm 30. I only have 12 more to go, in 5 years. I'm even willing to drop my goal to see all the continental states before I'm 30.

visited 38 states (76%)
Create your own visited map of The United States

Do you think my husband will help me see the last 10 in the next 5 years? I sure hope so... Thats why I don't want to go international. I have my whole life to travel internationally, but only 5 years for my domestic dreams.
I like to have a sense of entire accomplishment. Which is why I read magazines I don't even like cover to cover, to appease my sense of accomplishment. I'll be able to focus on the world once I finish the United States.
(Driving through states counts, airports don't.)

A love story

Disclaimer, I am not much of a romantic, I don't like cheesy, and I am grateful everyday of my life, my husband has never made an embarrassing declaration of his love to me in public, with people gawking. I use to imagine romantic reunions in airports like in the movies, but overall get embarrassed when my husband kisses me in his mom's kitchen when no one is in the room. I barely hug him in the airport when we haven't seen each other in weeks. But if its one thing I love is presents! that and long drawn out wordy conversations/monologues about nothing.
This love story that begins a long time ago. Back in 2004, when I was barely dating my husband he told me he would buy me a present on his birthday. Meaning I will buy you a valentine's present, implying even though it is june I still plan on being with you in February. Well February 2005 came and we were married, and a huge snow storm blew in so basically all my husband did was shovel snow all day long. He planned on going to Hallmark while I was in class and getting these little frogs I thought were cute, but we didn't go to school, because he shoveled snow all day. He went the next day, and they were half off. He thought this was a great deal, and decided we would celebrate valentine's day the day after, every year from now on, and get my presents half off. Well I can tell you how long cutesy commercial valentine's presents lasted in our relationship. Not long that's how long, I think those were my only traditional valentine's presents, he might have gotten me one the following year, but I doubt it since the day after valentine's the following year I was in labor.
(My husband has a history of giving me Christmas presents, valentine's presents, birthday presents late, anniversary presents late. He takes some sort of twisted pride in it.)
Fast forward to this year, my husband informs during "our" valentine's party that he isn't much of a romantic, and he just isn't one to buy a valentine's present. I sharply responded you chose not to buy me something, then quickly ignore him. Taking emotion out of it, I know my husband isn't much of a present person, I usually buy my own presents, with his paycheck, because I don't work. He isn't a present person, and I want things like diamond rings, and Five Year Anniversary rings. Most people would think his proposal to me for marriage was anything but romantic, but it is so us, and its not very "romantic" but if it was I might have keeled over in embarrassment. Back to the love story at hand, it is the day after valentine's day and I have forgiven my husband for being himself and not getting me a present. I'm overall stressed from his schedule and annoyed at things that normally don't bother me. I no longer feel guilty that I bought myself a $14 necklace. We go to my grandma's house, and admire her new desk chair. This is now my third time admiring it, and my second time with my husband, but it looks so fancy and nice, and I have never owned a nice comfortable, fancy desk chair. At home I have this waiting for me.

We bought it when we were first married and it was SOOO exciting. I was so excited to have a desk chair to do my homework in. It was so comfortable and sturdy, who cares its ugly as all get out, and I sit in the exact same chairs at the school computer labs. Yes on the back it is branded, everyone who sits on my couch knows where I went to school. I do not have a living room and a separate family room, so everyone who comes into my house, sees my computer desk, and this chair.

And if you look close enough you can see the price tags still on. Yes, we bought it used from the university, but it was only $15, we didn't really have the money but it was such a good deal. The chair has served us well these last 5 years and it will continue to serve us well, hidden away at my husband's work desk in our room.

But now I have my day after valentine's present, I have a fancy leather or vinyl desk chair, that isn't embarrassing to have in my front room, and has that new car smell.

After two times of admiring my grandma's new desk chair, my husband said lets stop by staples on the way home and see if they have any on sale. It was way more than $15, but half as much as expected a new fancy desk chair to cost. Not to mention I got a pot of fake grass for $2. It was a valentine's miracle. My husband thinks he came through on his valentine's present, and I finally got fake grass at a price I was willing to pay. I love my new chair. And I love my husband, sometimes, I just have to remember that I love him all unromantic like and him like. I don't like romantic attention, it weirds me out. Although I do like flowers. I've bought them for myself a few times when I see them on sale, and my husband bought them for me on my birthday when we were engaged. That being said, I am really appreciating the rose in my kitchen from my father in law. Its been a long time since I've had a fresh flower in my house.
Whenever we are at Sam's and I see flowers I ask my husband when he is going to buy me some. He asks if I want them right now. I say no, I don't want to spend $20 on two dozen roses, I want you to. If I wanted to spend it then I would buy them myself. And that right there is the long and short of romantic presents in our house. If I want it at the price, I buy it, if I want it but don't want to pay the price I ask my husband and he doesn't buy it. He understands that, and doesn't buy me very much stuff, I don't understand it, buy myself lots of stuff, and whine to him that he doesn't buy me more. Yes, I'm sort of a brat, but he loves me anyway, and I put up with no romantic presents, and buying myself a birthday cake. That is what love is all about, sacrificing for the person you claim to love. Putting up with their quirky habits.

Me

You can't really tell from this picture, but yesterday morning, I spent a LOT of time, decorating for my son's birthday party. I used two packages of streamers, yellow and gray, in not a very large area. I didn't want any left overs to store, so I used the entire packages of both. In the middle of things, my husband came out of "his office" (our bedroom) and sat on the recliner, watching me. He started to laugh under his breath. I said "what?" Smiling, he replied, "You don't ever do things half way do you?" My style is over the top, which explain the multitude of things on my craft blog, millions of blankets for my kids, home made toy/dolls, cookies, cookies, and more cupcakes than anyone should make in a month, I have a tendency to be a little extreme. But that is why my husband is perfect for me, my over indulgence doesn't overwhelm him, he just stays in the background smiling, happy he is not the center of attention, laughing at his wife's eccentricities.

Monster Fire Truck Party

In attempt to get "good" birthday pictures of my son's friend birthday party I used my husband's new camera. Unfortunately, its not idiot proof like my camera. I didn't turn on the flash so all my pictures were super dark, and then when I lightened them on the computer, of course they went grainy. The kids had fun. They decorated gift bags with foam letters. Play cars and trucks on the play rug, eat cupcakes, and opened presents. I had plans of playing follow the leader or musical pillows, but they didn't want an organized activity.

28

After our valentine's party, we traveled down to have a big party with everyone at my in laws. My husband's brother in law shares his birthday to the year. They both turned 28. Six out of the eight siblings and families made an appearance Sunday night. My daughter loves cake! she couldn't wait for the party to start and had some before.

Of course my almost 4 year old also got to blow out candles. These cupcakes were chocolate with whip cream, per my husband's request, with of course sprinkles on top. I love sprinkles.

I didn't notice until now, but my daughter and I have very similar expressions on our face. What can we say, we love those brown haired, brown eye, valentine birthday boys.

It was a nice party, I didn't have to clean my house, or cook dinner. Turns out I really need a break from regular life, it was nice to be around family and chat for an evening. Not to mention, I'm not one to have a lot of friends, so its nice I have so many sister in laws, I now I have so many female friends, its amazingly nice and relaxing.

Our Valentine's Party

Sunday after church we had a family valentine's party. I bought my own valentine. I felt slightly guilty when I did, but when I pulled it out with everyone else presents that I made them, my husband said good. Now I don't feel guilty. The only thing in my box was folded up stickers from my four year old.

Note the monsters.

I just included this picture for the curly locks.

Even if my husband didn't put anything in my box, I still love him a whole lot. The next day he bought me a new computer desk chair. I've been wanting one. He takes pride in buying me a present the day after valentines. I guess he doesn't want to share his birthday. I love him even without the computer chair.

The first fourth birthday

We had a family birthday party, with Uncle Daniel.

His grammy gave him "my favorite game" kid's cranium, he got the bike from us, fake money from his sister, that he carries everywhere, and his dream present from his uncle. A matchbox car set. He cries every time we leave a store with out one, now he has one, and it doesn't include water, a present for my husband.

In case you couldn't tell the big ticket item was a bike. He is now officially one of the cool kids, and he can successfully pedal, most of the time.

The things I do to get my brother to come visit me. I told him I'm out of kids so he has to come visit me even without a party. The last two times he has been to my house have been for birthday parties.

Valentine's Day

I have a few thoughts on valentine's day.

1. I think the holiday is infinitely more fun as a kids holiday, than as a romantic lover holiday. Blah, on the romance. Its about party, treats and silly paper cards.
2. Turns out I must really enjoy making cupcakes and sugar cookies; I've three batches of both sugar cookies and cupcakes in three weeks.
3. I enjoy making my kids homemade valentine's presents, but it took me a while to figure out why. Christmas and birthdays are already filled with multitudes of stuff, a stupid homemade doll that mom makes would be lost and never thought of, I don't need praise from my children, but if I spend the time to make something, I would at least like it to be played with once. Since I do enjoy making them little things, valentines provides a nice opportunity. Not to mention they get a "valentine" without me shoving even more sugar in their little bodies.
4. I despise the idea that infatuation, lust, or extravagance towards a person is love. Love is not about what you receive, its about what you give, and I don't mean material objects. Hollywood movies do not show love, a better example would be when President and Sister Hinckley were alive. Real fulfillment is in giving love not receiving love. Which is why a parent claims to love a child more than they can understand.
   
5. As cheesey as it sound to quote a song, yesterday when I was driving to Tumbling for Preschoolers, Maroon 5's She Will Be Loved came on the radio, now I'd hardly use this song as a example of love, but I still like the line that says, "It's not always rainbows and butterflies, It's compromise that moves us along" Anyone who thinks love isn't about sacrificing what you want for the betterment of someone else is sorely mistaken.
6. No I don't think 5 years of marriage makes me an expert on marriage or love. But I have some pet peeves when people use the word "love" so what better place to express them then on my blog.
7. We like the world love in our house, I tell my husband that about 10 times a day, and he expresses it back about 80% of the time. But I don't expect him to ever reciprocate just because I said something. Not to mention he also says, i love you, without me repeating it back. My children hear me tell them so much, my son always tells his grandmas, bye, I love you. He also tells his dad that when he leaves for work or school. My daughter instantly smiles when she hears it, she knows what it means.
8. Finally, I know my husband loves me, because 3 months after we were married, he took this picture of me, and was so proud. Personally I think he was just proud that his new wife was drinking an expired juice box from his mom's pantry. If that picture doesn't show love I don't know what else does. At least I know, he didn't marry me for my looks, and he will still want to be sitting next to me in 50 years.
   

Turning 4

My son is about to turn 4. Which makes a mom's brain swirl with all kinds of thoughts.

• Olympic ads, the last time we saw the winter Olympics was when I was in the hospital giving birth to him. Four seems so old and not so old at the same time.
  
• (I ran out of wrapping paper, so instead we just decorated the amazon box from grammy, we both had a lot of fun.)
• He is obsessed all things "China" he tells me all about "china people" all day, and what they say, and what they do. His dad is slightly concerned we'll look way racist out of the house, when "china people" come up in conversation. But China is J's imaginary world, where he makes up his own language.
  

• In the last month his face seems to have gone through a growth spurt, because his face looks so much older to me lately, and so much less like my baby. (Actually his whole head, his shirt collars are tight coming on and off again.)
  
• He is currently enrolled in a tumbling class at our local Rec center. I had a conversation with his tumbling teacher and someone else that works at the center about how they don't want parents in there, its easier for the kids without there parents in there. (I don't sit in there, he doesn't want me in there.) I said, I'm totally ok with him having his own life. J really excels when his parents aren't watching.
• I successfully signed him up for preschool next year. He loves art work, letters, "reading", "writing", having a life beyond me and N babe, I'm sure he will love preschool next year.
  

• Being Josh's mom is awe inspiring. He learns and does so much when I'm not paying attention. I'm sure I come off as a bragging mother, but I don't mean to. I don't say things in a bragging way, I don't think my kid is any better than any than any other kid. But I do find being his mom overwhelming, what am I suppose to do with a kid who knows how to draw a bird?! at four?!
  

• But I really believe all kids have different strengths and weaknesses. J is getting B-I-K-E for his birthday, as of now he doesn't how to peddle, it might take him a while longer to learn. The other night my husband and I were talking, and long story short, I said, well my assumption is that in 10 years, C (the girl next door) will be playing softball or volleyball, while our son will be chatting on the internet with people on the other side of the country or world that he has never met. Why, because that is what both of his parents were doing when they were 14. Maybe he won't be chatting, but I doubt he has lots of year of organized sports ahead of him. He isn't much of a team player.
  
• My child is in a computer guru for only 4, he often does stuff that annoys me. The other day he wanted to listen to the save by the bell son on Liz's blog, and I said no, and closed the browser, and walked way. Next thing I know he was listening to the song. He has his own computer profile, and internet avatar, that has "brown skin" his words not mine, and "superhero clothes, he is super fast". And now I must end my memoirs of him, because he wants to play a computer game.
  

There is more

Did I mention we also took our neighbor. It was a nice afternoon, the place was almost empty, the kids played, even the babies, and my neighbor and I talked all afternoon. To the point, that we left late, and had to pay extra on our parking validation.

She cute, they are cute together, to the point of almost ridiculousness, they think they are in love with each other. Its actually quite humorous sometimes, she will want him to do something, to the point that she is almost yelling, and he just walks away and pretends he can't hear her. I tell my husband all the time, he learned that from you. My husband is proud.

Mail is extremely important.

Siblings

My son has only been a sibling 1/3 of his life, while my daughter was born being a sibling. My son is still getting the hang of such a responsibility, and lifelong position, while my daughter has it down pat. She knows if your sibling is being quiet and minding their own business, you should always go up and bother them. Whether, its poking them when they aren't looking, getting in their face and talking to them, quiet behavior should always be interrupted. She always knows siblings must share anything especially when it comes to mom's attention, whether its that chair you are sitting on, or the bag of candy you are eating. It has to be shared. My daughter is a pro at annoying her brother when no one is watching and then acting innocent. She also know she would rather crying from what her brother did, instead of playing alone. (Today he took a toy away from her that made her cry, when I sent him away for time out she cried out after him, and wouldn't stop crying until she got to interrupt his alone time by hugging him.) But tonight she topped the cake in sibling rules. Every sibling knows, that no one messes with your sibling, except you.
Tonight I made Turkey Homemade Noodle Soup. The kids were not so excited about a meal, because it doesn't look like it came out of a Campbell's soup can. My daughter never did touch it, without crying, every time we tried to convince my son to take a bite, my daughter would shake her head no, and cry out in defensive of her brother. She did not want him to suffer a fate of eating the terrible homemade mess. My son finally ate some soup in exchange for a bowl of jello. But every bite of his was accompanied with a scream from his sister. She couldn't believe we were being so mean to him. Once he started eating it, he liked it, but my daughter was never convinced and never stopped crying and looking at her parents like we had betrayed the coolest person in the world, her big brother.

5 Year Anniversary

I never blogged about my new 5 year anniversary ring.

Years ago I got in my mind I needed a 5 year anniversary ring. "A winter ring"-- the jeweler laughed when I said that, and said his wife claims the same thing. My wedding ring is a 5 1/2-- which is great for pregnancy, my engagement ring is 5-- which is great except when the house needs heating, which is where my anniversary ring comes in, a 4 1/2 so I can fold towels in the winter time without flinging my ring across the room. (My engagement ring holds my wedding band on quite nicely, when I don't need the extra girth.) I love my new ring, my mom claims I designed it myself, which is partly true, but the design is hardly unique to me. Polka Dot rings are all the rage right now. I love it, technically I could also wear my diamond, but I think the band is too thick and makes everything look too much. Plus I like to show of the sapphires, my birth stone. Also I recently read the jewel of fifth anniversaries. So fitting, I'm just amazing.

I married a nice man, who has now bought three expensive rings that he didn't pick out, that he would have never bought if it wasn't for his love for me. The ring has 8 sapphires staggered around the band like that.

Sometimes

Sometimes, I'm ornery, moody, and angry. Like today. Last night I was so exhausted I almost fell asleep, and fell on the ground, while eating dinner at my in laws. Yes, my uncle in law was laughing at me silently. Its been downhill since then. I'm annoyed at sorts of stupid things, that I won't share on my blog, because in a few days, I won't actually want to my enemies.
Although I will say, I hate when people try to look perfect. Children are not perfect, life is not perfect, so why is anyone pretending. I despise thing people say children made when they look perfect. No, sorry, I child did not make that. Children make things that say "amg" instead of "gma" (there is no way in heck my child has the attention to place letter stickers that say grandma or write grandma).
Valentine's is about cheap paper, candy, or messy kid projects. Not about perfection, not about something that costs more money to make, than to buy. Sorry, I know I like to craft. In fact I made valentine boxes out of old kleenex boxes for everyone in the house today. But come on, why is everyone pretending their kids are as talented as sweatshop workers in foreign countries, and vintage is anything but old, trendy is beautiful and will still be beautiful in 5 years. Told you I was in a bad mood.

Super Baby

All in a Sunday evenings work.

I sure do love this crazy haired baby.