In town

I don't think I could explain how much my life lately has been a leap of faith.

Three or your years ago I told Brent I wouldn't just up and move again. I just did. So I've desperately needed inspiration in my life.

Here is what has been spoken to me since I got to town: (Yes, these were literally spoken to me. I know my own thoughts and now after the deep abyss of my last postpartum depression I know how to distinguish between my voice and the voice of the Holy Ghost.)

1. Don't worry, your house is not yet on the market.
2. You can do this
3. It will be fine.

Last night I remember we spent the last 2 or 3 years looking for where we should buy our next home. Everywhere we looked in the springs was just not right for our family. When my husband suggested this move last fall I surprisingly said ok. I was surprised when I said it. It has seemed like what the Lord wanted for us but I don't know why....
( This is truly what is right for my family not my husband's consolation prize. Although I do joke about that.)

6 months later

Six months ago I went to Spain with my husband. It was a terrible time for my family so prayed to make sure we survive if I went. My answer was a positive feeling so I went.
I got home and my anxious 3 year old was worse than it was when I left. It took months to dissipate I wondered why I went.
But now I'm here house hunting and gone for hours each day and he doesn't care. He trusts his grandma because she didn't abandon him in Spain. He always cares when I leave him. But not here.
#tendermercy
Now it makes sense.

Moving is dirty work

I started writing this on FB:
After driving 13 and half hours with my kids without my husband I took my children to the restroom in a McDonald's. Afterward we were waiting for our food to go. A little girl yells,
"GRANDMA, THAT LADY HAS A LOT OF KIDS."
"LEMME COUNT 'EM. ONE..." whether her grandma hushed her or we walked out the door I'll never remember. I was not offended, I wanted to turn around and say,
"I KNOW, RIGHT?"

Four kids equal so many bladders!

Plus we looked so raggedy after so many long days of moving. I won't mention how long it's been since we bathed and how many days my 2 middle children have been wearing their clothes. We packed up our lives, finished moving out of our house by 7:45 pm then drove for 2 days.

I'm not tired because I've drank too many Dr. Peppers but I am worn thin.

We change what city we want to move to daily. We been doing this so long we've cycled back through the same cities. For 5 days I had thought I wanted to move to city X. Tonight we drove around it and I hated it. I almost felt so defeated but the Lord knew my exhaustion and the spirit whispered, "your house isn't on the market yet." #tendermercy
I'm not really sure if I understood him correctly I've come to believe the Godhead does not speak the same language as I do and my job is to learn to understand their language. So the message might have been, "there there little one your house is not here." or maybe it's not on the market yet. Either way I was nearly in hot tears but thankfully that answer came quick.

Three things about their mom

A few months ago I was driving down the street and I thought I want my children to always know three things about their mom:
1. She didn't let fear stop her
2. She always loved their dad fiercely
3. She committed her whole life to her religion

As I contemplated on that list I thought yeah that's a good list. Some might think I should have on that list that I loved my children. Sorry it might make me a bad mom but that is not on my list. I think its far more important that they know I love their dad. Also I tell them daily that I love them, I hug them multiple times a day, I kiss them, I feed them, I clean them, I read next to them. I take them on vacations, I take pictures of them, the only thing I don't do with them is play toys with them. Which they can grow up and complain about that for all I care. I don't think children should be the center of their parents world.
As I continue to think about that list, I thought about the first. I've spent my adult live in search of being fearless, in a quest of no regrets. But that is not my natural personality I was a shy fearful child, and didn't try a lot of things because I was afraid of failing. I'm terrified of being rejected and failing, but I try to forget that be fearless, so if my children grow up not realizing that then I'll have succeeded in life.

Houses and Tithing

A little history.
We bought our house 5 years ago at 209k. The offer we accepted is 100k over that. Which means we have a lot of equity to put into a new home.
There is a problem I don't like anything in our budget. So then we started looking at things 50k more than that. Still nothing. So then we started looking at things 50k less than our budget still nothing. 100k less still nothing. I'm not interested in any houses. I'm not sure what is wrong with me.

On Sunday we had a lesson on tithing. Howard W Hunter #9
Here's some quotes

We can expect that the Lord will open “the windows of heaven” (Malachi 3:10) and shower down blessings upon the faithful.

“William (talking to a clerk), you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Would you deny me a blessing? If I did not pay my tithing I should expect the Lord to withhold His blessings from me; I pay my tithing, not only because it is a law of God but because I expect a blessing by doing it. By keeping this and other laws, I expect to prosper and to be able to provide for my family.” - Mary Fielding Smith (Joseph Fielding Smith, Life of Joseph F. Smith [Salt Lake City, 1938], 158–59.)

I had a strong impression, that as a full tithe payer I am entitled to certain blessings and I need to ask the Lord for a those blessings. I also felt strongly that what the Lord gives me will be enough but that's not always what I'm expecting or other people are expecting out of me.

Am I choosing a house through God or mammon? (I truly don't know because I don't like any houses between the range of $200,000 or $400,000.)

It might be too much to ask to get a 4 bedroom house within budget, 30 minutes from my husband's office, with good schools with a quarter acre lot. All of those are negotiable, and the only thing we don't compromise on is 4 bedrooms.

I went to bed firm in the faith that it will all work out.
Monday my husband found our dream house. My Texas 70s ranch style. 9 and 10s school ratings, .45 acre lot, 25 minutes from the work.
Of course it was under contract in less than 3 days. I never expected it would be there in 2 and half weeks.
Monday night my husband got a call from the realtor he is in negotiations with the appraisal company. It's coming back low.
Today I read an article that said house prices where we are moving have gone up 16% since the beginning of the year. I already knew that we've been watching the market since November. But it was so disheartening to read.

I had a crisis of faith.
Huge crisis. With the possibility of a lower sale price on our house.

My husband said you are always the one who keeps the faith. Nothing has changed. (That's not actually true but I appreciate his vote of confidence. Plus my husband has no guile and does not lie, he believes what he says.)

After a few hours and talking to a lot of friends I'm in a good place.

Who knows what house I will buy. Who knows what city it will be in. But it is out there and the Lord will tell us when we find it. And my family will be blessed in it and the Lord knows what our hopes and dreams are and our financial goals are. The best part of all this is the Lord is better at pointing to things that will get us to where we want to be in 30 years. He tunes everything else out and focused on his plan for Brent and I, my plan and Brent's plan.

Sometimes I'm dying in anticipation to know what we will end up in and other times I'm ready to just hang out with my friends here.

I cry about every other day because we are leaving..because I'm sad for a friend or happy for a friend..because children praticipate in choir..because I'm leaving a small town..because its cold here..because my 3 years old has another cold..because I caught his second cold..because we are moving..because my babies were born here..because my children have bffs..because I'm leaving friends..because the primary president made a baptism towel for Nat..because I'm tired all the time..so many reasons.

Spanish

About 7 years ago I decided one day I would learn spanish.

I was going to start once my husband finished his MBA. Instead we moved out of state and I didn't have instate tuition. 

Before I had been a resident for a year I got pregnant. Then as y'all know I had another baby.

We are moving, but my husband wants me to take a Spanish class after we move.

That's terrifying to me. I'm not sure what has happened in 7 years.

I won't be a resident, so I can push it off longer.

Hooray!

One day I will take a spanish class again. 

(Last time I took one was 8th grade.)

Do you ever wonder?

Do you ever wonder what house I will buy?
I do.

Should I buy big, or should I buy small?
New or old
Where will it be?
How many square feet?
How far from work?
Mature trees?

It is what it is.

When my daughter was almost 2 and still cried hours a day a lady with 7 kids told me, there comes a time you have to accept it isn't colic. I pondered that for a while. What was it then?
A year later I finally got us some help. It takes a while to get the answers.
This lady's second child was her first daughter, who cried non stop for years. She said she honestly never got easier she just got different. If I would have ever had another child that hard I would have never made it to 7. I didn't have another child that hard, and my daughter is much much easier  now then she was then but I did had another colic infant who lasted longer than 2 months, who didn't sleep thought the night until after he was a year old. Yeah, I'm not making it to 7.

If I could have a guarantee that I would have a happy baby, or not be depressed or have a pregnancy where I could walk to the mail box, I could consider another kid, but there are no guarantees and I can never do that ALL again.

Life is what it is.

Some people have lots of daughters, some have none, some have two and some have one. Some have happy babies, some have sickly. Thankfully I've never had chronic illness in the family, but I have had two babies who hated being babies, another who cried when I picked him up. I also am still so tired after having miserable baby and a toddler with an anxiety. A friend told me, you have dealt with chronic illness, if depression lasts past the baby's first birthday, I'd classify it as chronic. Hmm, that caused me to ponder.

Sometimes I feel bad my children aren't mediocre and other times I accept it for what it is. (I know who wishes their children were mediocre? Me, an average child probably isn't all its cracked up to be but it sounds so nice. I doubt it even exists.)  

Some people love pregnancy, some people love newborns. While some of make sure our children eat food, any food. Other people are good a sports, other people are good at taking standardized tests. While others of have a great smile (what does that even mean, when someone says that?) Some people wear the color pink well, some people bounce back after pregnancy, other lose more than they gained when the baby is only 9 months old-- not healthy it classifies you as sick, other take years if they ever lose it. (Please never tell a person struggling to put on weight you are jealous of them, its not healthy and our society should not immortalize that. Its sick.) Some people have children who say, I love my mom, other people make their children cry because its time to sweep the floor. That's probably not mutually exclusive. Some love being friendly and throwing parties, others like me hid in the house. Recently I was told I'm a good listener. I almost cried I never imagined someone would tell me that. Some people get pregnant without even trying, some take months and years, other never get pregnant, while still even others pay doctors lots of money to get pregnant. I always wonder do those mothers love their children more? I asked my sister that when my daughter was about 20 months old and spent all three hours of church crying. She said, maybe in the beginning, but eventually they will hit a rough phase and wonder what they have done to their life. I'm grateful to be in a phase where I don't wonder what I've done to my life. It is what is.

Sometimes I wonder if I should see a therapist instead of keep this blog going?