Not what I thought

A old friend of mine had a baby last week. Although I am sublimely happy for her, I also had absolutely no jealousy. There was no oh I'm so happy for her, but why isn't that me, or when will that be me again.

A friend just came back to church after having her 6th child, her second daughter. She holds that baby and is off in la la land of love, when she stares at that baby you know nothing else in the world matters to her. Once again I'm very happy for her, no jealousy, I am so happy both for her, and both for my family size. 

I realized I'm not mourning what I thought I was. I'm mourning that my baby boys aren't babies anymore, that they no longer want to snuggle on the couch all day anymore. 

I'm mourning that I'm not longer the cute young mom with life mostly organized, I'm now the mom who looks like a tornado is swirling at all times, the mom who has more kids than you can quickly count, the mom who has more kids then hands. The mom who no longer brings fresh baked cookies to an event because what? doesn't everyone do this. I'm the mom that checks out the clearance bakery items because oh my goodness, I'm so overwhelmed we eat cold cereal for dinner. But at the same time retirement always stresses me out so clearance it is.

(On a side note, I recently realized there is a difference between busy and overwhelmed. Some people are genuinely busy but always hit deadlines, then there are other people who can barely tie their shoes they are so overwhelmed but its easier to say busy then let someone glimpse oppressive fear and exhaustion. Then there are those who scream busy every other day. I'm not sure why I don't know if it helps the stress or if they want their procrastination to be your emergency...)

 I'll never be this mom again. Sure I lived in chronic pain 24 hours a day, but emotions don't make sense.

Or this mom.

Or this mom.

Maybe it comes down to I'm not sure I'll ever be this mom again, I don't think he will ever willing let me get this close to him again.

Pictures!

My blog has been a downer lately. I'm so stressed I think its all piling up.

But good news last Friday we accepted a good offer on our house. 

Zillow says our house isn't for sale anymore. I guess that is good news, since normally it says pending. :/

So here are our professional pictures. The best our house will ever look. It doesn't look this good in real life. 

First you walk in the front door.

From the opposite wall here is our living room.

Dining room

Kitchen

Opposite side kitchen

Here is our master upstairs

The girl bedroom

The boy bedroom

You have to go back downstairs to get to the basement

The basement

Oh and our powder/laundry room. I've never taken a picture of my laundry before.

Kindergarten Part II

I told my husband about my kindergarten stress last night, AGAIN.
He agreed that boy is so not ready for pre-k
From what I have seen pre-K where we are looking to move, is three days a week from 9:30-2:30.
When I told Brent that, he said that is way too long for him right now.

Long story short, because of where birthdays fall in the calendar, Turbo either starts Pre-K 6 months younger than J started, or 6 months older than J, and we both agree in Turbo's case 6 months older will be better for him.

I feel better knowing my husband and I are on the same page.

Kindergarten

Have I mentioned how stressed I am about my 3 year old going to kindergarten?
Summer birthday are the worst!
If I start him in kindergarten when he is 5, he turns 5 two weeks before school starts. He will be in full day kindergarten and in my opinion needs to go to pre-k before kindie.
I'm not ready for pre-k this fall, I don't think he is either.

Or I could put him in kindergarten when he is barely 6. I think that is what I am going to do, because I can't picture him in 4 months sitting in a classroom letting a teacher try to teach him how to write his name.

Sometimes I fear the only reason I'm waiting is because I don't want him to grow up. Then I watch him and think about his personality and I think he'd be much happier spending the winter digging in the dirt and running around the park then listening to a teacher teach him the difference between a question and a statement.

Dirt is far more appealing then circle time right?
I actually have never met a parent who isn't happier with their child the oldest in kindergarten. Do you know someone? Do I want to hear their opinion? Will it help me make a more educated decision or will it just stress me out more?

Maybe not over it

Yesterday my husband and I were looking at stuff online for moving. We were upstairs and we came downstairs. Our babies had made the main floor a disaster. My husband said only 2 or 3 more years of this. I started crying.
Maybe it has nothing to do with my babies growing up.
Maybe its all the stress of moving.
Maybe its- my daughter was almost 2 and half when we moved. She now tells me weekly she is almost a second grader. My youngest is almost 2 and half.

Maybe my husband doesn't have any idea what he is talking about. They will still make the house a disaster in 2 years, but in his logic in 2 years they can be taught how to be useful in cleaning up their messes.

Grandbabies

When you are only 31 it might be too soon to think about grandbabies, but then again maybe its just the right time.

A few months ago I texted my husband on the verge of tears, I'll never have another baby to love. His response sure you will, you have a grandbabies. Now that might be a really weird conversation but remember I've been dealing with mental illness.

On Saturday I finally came to terms with life, stopped mourning for what has never been. I stopped waiting for a dark haired daughter. My first was dark haired. Brent and I both had dark hair as babies.

Since then we've had three blond baldies. Plus my daughter doesn't have a sister, doesn't every girl need a sister?

Well as I'm sure I've mentioned I've studied and prayed about this for more than two years now, and I'm pretty sure my daughter doesn't have a biological sister. (Although in three years I'm always willing for a surprise. Don't hedge any bets, everytime I bring this up with the Lord he tells me how much he cares about my health.)

But still this dark hair baby girl... I love the children I have and I want them, but this dark haired girl, who wears bows in her hair and lets me pick out her clothes.
She'd be the perfect baby, she wouldn't be colicy and the hormones don't make me depressed. Plus she sleeps through the night, and the pregnancy didn't cause me pain everytime I moved my body. Yeah, clearly this baby is fictitious.

Then this weekend I came to terms with life. Even though I hate bathing kids, nothing like taking my Ikey out of the tub to make me feel forlorn. I wrapped Ikey in a towel cradled-held him and showed him us in the mirror, all of a sudden I realized how much he isn't a baby anymore! He was HUGE!

Then on Sunday it was like a bolt of light. Josh can have a dark hair baby girl. I don't need a dark haired baby girl, my children can have one, and I will love her like no other because I won't have to potty train her, or discipline her, and I can feed her candy. Plus I'll be sleeping through the night.

Oh how I can't wait for that grandbaby girl. I'm feel really good about my family size. I especially want J to marry a girl with dark hair. Ha ha, don't tell him that.


.
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Ok, maybe I'm not done with my bereavement but I'm getting closer.
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And now I'm embarrassed to be admitting this. But I feel far better since I've admitted my sadness instead of telling myself I don't deserve to be sad because I have four healthy kids.

Things I've been working on

Along with selling my house I've been working on some other things:
1. Getting my two middle children to enjoy each other instead of fighting all day.
2. Having meaning interactions with my oldest.
3. Looking for people to serve.

Just last week I added another one:
4. Not letting my children whine mom. Whenever they do I tell them that's not my name. Then they roll their eyes and sweetly say my dearest mother.

It's been going pretty well. All of them. Things I've tried with success with my middle children:
1. When they are fighting tell them no one is allowed to talk. It usually takes 3 times but eventually they stop talking because I'm serious about the silence.
2. Ask each of them to tell me something they like about the other.
3. Find time for them to play together when their other brothers are not around.
4. When one is annoying the other point out I think he or she wants to play with you/wants attention from you.

How are you doing? Everyday

For three years my daughter and I brought lunch into my oldest at least once a school year from a restaurant. The other day, she reminded me that I never brought her lunch in. I replied sure I did, at thanksgiving feast day, the little boys and I came in. She reposed, you came in, but you didn't bring restaurant food. I looked at her dad, oh yeah we were going on vacation the next day and I didn't want to eat McDonald's twice in two days. (I was also trying to save money.)

Today I had a showing at 11 am for my house. So we ran an errand, then went to McDonalds and brought it to my 1st grader. We ate lunch in the cafeteria with her. As previously mentioned I've done this multiple times over the years so I knew exactly would it would entale. Me sitting at a table made for children not adults, and making sure I don't lose a toddler. I knew my child would not talk to me, I knew it was more of a mutual presence then conversation. Its more of I'm queen of the table because my mom is here, but you my friend, your life is far more interesting then anything my mom has to talk about. Which is good, its how it should be.

Afterward my boys and I were walking to the car and they got distracted by a sand pile. I mean what normal human doesn't get distracted by a sand pile, they are by far the most interesting things in the world, unless they occur in your own backyard and then, then they are covered in weeds and keeping you away from tv time. So as they were playing in sand, I was sanding in the median of a parking lot, when the nearest mini van rolls down her window. Turns out its my friend, 20 minutes early to dropping off her PM kindergartner. After she yells hey, she said, you look like your barely surviving. I laughed, I looked that good? you mean from house showings or being in public with toddler boys? She laughed, the toddlers. I said, yeah you are probably right but this is an everyday. We never look better, this is a better day.

Everyday I'm barely surviving with my toddler boys because everyday I am keeping them from dying. Every day I'm trying to keep them from getting run over in parking lot, or from running in my street in front of a car, or from just generally running away from me, everyday I'm trying to keep my house from falling apart because if someone doesn't watch them, they will literally throw food all over the main floor of my house, or chuck metal matchbox cars all over the house and dent the floor and furniture. Everyday, I keeping them from falling on their heads, and hitting me in the face. Everyday, everyday, everyday I hear a chorus of screams yelling candy! No they never get candy when they scream at me. Everyday, I wonder how a mother of twins ever do it.
Everyday I take them in public someone either tells me oh you must be busy, oh you must be tired, or oh they are adorable, a sympathetic smile or a keep trying. I guess its a blessing they are cute, rarely people seem to look like they are judging me, normally they look like they are just pleased they aren't in my shoes. With both of them rarely do I get enjoy every moment, because together they remind them of the hard days not the precious days. Teachers at school never tell me I wish you could volunteer. Instead they ask how close in age are they? Oh you must be tired.
Friends who have been in my shoes say, one day they will be in school and you will find your life again.
Everyday they wear me out, everyday I keep them from not killing themselves, everyday I think we should never leave the house again, everyday I think you have got to get out of this house immediately.

This is my everyday look. Worn out and exhausted ready for naptime.

Luckily everyday, they look at me with their big brown eyes, and hug me or kiss me, or tell me they love me. I'm not sure what is worse never finding order again or them growing too old to kiss their momma.

I call them, their partners in crime, because boy is that them. I need a printable for their bedroom when we move
Partners in crime, then in small print, love their momma, because the only thing they love more than being naughty together is vying for my attention.

They are truly thing 1 and thing 2.

Confused

I'm a little confused but keeping the faith.
We felt like we should move so I assumed our house would sell quick. Everyone told us oh the market is hot, things are moving so fast.
Three weeks into, I'm not sure the forecasters are right, I know multiple people with their house on the market, no ones is selling.
As far as I can tell, we have the most showing, but still no offers.

We priced high which was ok, because I didn't want to close until school was out. Last week my husband said to me, I'm praying to know if we should drop the price, you should to. I got the answer to be patient. So I thought an offer would come in by the end of the week.
I continued to pray about it every day, I felt good about it. Then I said, ok, its now 40 days from school getting out, lets drop the price. I sort of felt like whatever we think is best. I thought we would get an offer immediately that's why I was told to be patient for a week.
Still no offer, which is fine. But none of this was what I was expecting.

Everyone told us the market is so hot, it will sell above asking the first weekend. I watch all the listings in my town, nothing is selling. I guess the forecasters were wrong. Part of me says maybe we should move if the market its hot. But then again we feel like this is the right choice for a family and if the market is cooling its only going to get colder.

Thoughts on moving

When I tell a good friend I'm moving they give me a sad look.
Often times I can tell they are trying to fake excitement, but can't muster it.
I often times say you don't have to pretend to be happy I know friends moving away sucks.
They then usually response yeah, I'm trying to be happy for you but I can't yet.

Other times people ask me if I'm excited? I tell them it depends on the day.
I haven't been very excited, I'm sad to be leaving friends. Plus I love here and the mountains. I have a good life here.

Yesterday a friend from church said you will be missed here by many. Without thinking I said, I hope so. Then we laughed.

I realized it was good that I'm not aways thrilled to be moving and people give me sad looks when I tell them. I don't want to be the person that everyone is relieved is leaving and happy to yell good bye.

Jealously

I'm petty and have a tendency like most humans to be jealous of things.
Sometimes it feels like I'm carrying a big dark secret so I thought I'd come clean.

Here is a list of things I'm jealous of:

1. Women who served missions before they turned 21. I should be happy for them but usually I'm just jealous.
2. People with 5 babies. I have no idea how many I use to think I'd have, or how many I use to think I wanted. But I always thought my daughter would have a little sister but I can't imagine life without my two little boys. After 2 years of study and prayer I really don't think I'll ever have another child. For years, 4 sounded ideal, and now I'm trying to be obedient and enjoy who I have. But there is always more room in a heart for love.
3. People who aren't hoarding on to their old maternity clothes and burp cloths.
5. Moms with happy babies. (I had one happy baby, two miserable colicy babies, and a baby who was usually easy but mostly indifferent and I'm not sure I'd ever classify him as "happy")
4. Teenage girls with long healthy hair
5. Mothers who have a daughter with dark hair. I love my blondie to the moon and back and can't imagine a daughter more beautiful than her, but my husband has almost black hair where's my dark haired beauty?
6. People's vacation. I know I vacation all the time but I still want to see everything everyone else has seen.
7. Families that love having a new baby in the house, remember we had 50% miserable babies. Plus a strong history of postpartum depression.
8. People with average children. This is probably the most ridiculous one, but sometimes I'm jealous of families of who don't have IEPs and ALPs and who don't share a quirky story of their child and all the moms of high functioning special needs children don't knowingly nod. Somethings it seems like a dream to have children in the middle reading group who look at us other moms with a blank stare when a story of quirkiness was shared.
It would be nice if I couldn't give advice to other moms on how to talk to their kids teachers. 
9. Women that can pick shoes based on beauty not function. If I always picked beauty I wouldn't be able to walk. I can pick beauty a couple of hours at a time two or three times a month.

I told you all of this was petty.

To counter the fates here are things I'm grateful for:
1. My husband, I never thought I needed to be married, I never thought I needed a man to complete me. I've always thought it would be better to be single then be in a lonely marriage, but my life would be so much less meaningful without him as a best friend. (my marriage is not lonely)
2. That I didn't go to Law School
3. That I get to stay at home and raise my babies.
4. That my children seem to get more pleasant the older they get, at least 3 of them. The happy baby started at as a 10 so its hard to live up to that, especially when you develop sensory processing disorder,  hyper activity and anxiety.
5. My finances are in a comfortable place and seem to get better each year.
6. That I'm married to a driven man.
7. That my husband is too busy to make any mistake more than forgetting something. Its hard work to work full time, be actively involved in planning for retirement, serving at church, being involved in 4 children's lives, and continue your educational skills for improving your career. Plus me, I'm hard work.
8. All the amazing fabulous vacations I go on, whether its a fabulous beach va-cay, international, local car trip or camping trip. I love them all.
9. That my children and husband are healthy and have no chronic or terminal illnesses.
10. That my daughter is so beautiful and smart and caring and that everyone loves her. (it's the little things that matter after a hard infancy)
11. That my oldest has never acted like a Child, when you have a baby at 21 its easier to raise a kid who is like a mini adult.
12. The three pairs of brown eyes trying to claim my attention each day. I love when toddlers are obsessed with their mommas and fight their daddy.
13. All my boys, I'm so grateful to be a boy momma. I was terrified for years I'd be a mother of too many daughters (yes, I see the irony)
14. All the toddler hugs I get every day.
15. Every time we dejunk our house. Silly I know. I want maintain an empty house after moving.
16. That I'm independent and a fighter.

If you can't tell, I think it would be great if in a couple of years my family got a dark haired girl. But I'm sure that's not happening.
The Lord tells me other things like:
1. I love you but I want you to be healthy.
2. I love you and your children, please enjoy those special ones I gave you.
3. I love you and you aren't healthy yet, please keep working at it.
4. I love you and I want you to run, walk, play and hike with your children and husband.
5. I love you and I want you to continue working on your great marriage.
6. I also love your husband and I'm also mindful of your husband's hopes and desires.
7. I love you and I often have different plans for you and so far it's worked for you.
8. My love for you is not defined by the amount of children you have or your list of accomplishments.
9. I love you, enjoy those baby cheeks and baby fingers you still have.
10. I love you and I want you to be engaged in your children's lives.
11. I love you and I love your children and they need their mom engaged in their lives.

Did I mention I'm jealous of girls that serve their missions before 21?
And people's vacations.
And their shoes.

I guess I need to work on my humility and pettiness a little bit more.

Bing Bong and Old Bunny

Yesterday my daughter was reading a Disney's Inside Out book. She said her second favorite character was Bing Bong. At first I was confused at what emotion she was trying to pronounce, so I had her spell it.
B-I-N-G-B-O
Oh, Bing Bong
That's what I said
I know but I thought you were saying an emotion.

I then told them Bing Bong made me sad. They asked why?
Because I'm a mom and it means kids grow up.
Joshy doesn't care about Old Bunny anymore. Which is good and fine because kids grow up but it also makes mamas sad. Just like the day you (Nattie) gave away all your baby dolls.
She replied, well that's because I like different dolls better. I said it's because you grew up. But at least we still have Pink Baby.
Oh, that's because Ikey likes her.
(Silently; no that's because this momma has to let her babies grow up but she can't part with Old Bunny or Pink Baby)
And then I'm driving my car home (we were in the car for this conversation) trying not to cry about poor forgotten Old Bunny.

Then I thought I'm not sure my two little boys have one toy they love above the rest.

Poor old bunny...
Just like Bing Bong, I think he's vanished from my 10 years old's memories.

PS I know Bing Bong was imaginary unlike my children's toys, but I have also read singletons are more likely to have imaginary friends.

My baby

My baby is growing up. Sometimes I love him so much because he is older but most of the time I kiss his chubby cheeks all day long because it will be too long before I hold another baby to add to my progeny.
He has chunky hands, and stubby fingers.
He talks all the time and has started to use sentences.
He points to himself and says, "Peacock" his dad's nickname for him.
The other day he came and hugged me and as we were cuddling I said, who is going to hug me when you grow up? Who will be my baby? He pointed to himself, and said peacock. So I hugged him harder.
Oh, big baby toddler boys don't keep.

On the Market

A month ago my husband was approved to transfer offices. Two weeks later our house was on the market. That was about 19 days ago. I've had a bout 15 showings since then.
Some nights I crash so hard, and fall asleep mid sentence with my husband. Other nights the stress gets to me, and I can't fall asleep for what feels like far too long. Some nights I compose awesome blog posts announcing that we are moving. But I've rarely had computer time so they have all been forgotten. The nights I fall sleep quickly I wake up before my alarm. Its quite frustrating, I'm too tired all the time.
As are my babies, everyone found out my house is the place to be for naptime. We rarely get naps anymore, my poor baby (2 year old Ike) had circles under his eyes tonight.

More Grace

Last week my husband was taking the CISSP test. Don't ask me more information about it, I know nothing.
Work paid for it, along with a trip to go to a conference to help study.
For the past few months, he had been waking up and studying at least an hour before he went to work in the morning.
He was stressed about taking it, since his employment was paying for it. He didn't want to fail.

I told him, you have done all you can, so now all there is left is to pray and hope God makes up the difference. I understood this principle when I was in school, but I realized I had forgotten it as a mom.

I don't think I'm a lazy mother, I feel like I give my all each day, its never good enough, someone is always annoyed at me, and I'm always both physically and emotionally spent at the end of each day. Motherhood wears me out so much, I'm also not convinced I'm that swell as a wife either.

But I realized the same principle applies. If I'm giving my all, and preparing as much as I can for life/motherhood, I have the opportunity to pray to God and faith that he'll make up the rest.

That doesn't mean you pass every test, or that everyone is happy with you, but does mean you know you gave it more than your all.

Running Shoes

I made an important discovering yesterday.
Its about running shoes.
Sometimes I go to a running shoe store and spend $120+ on running shoes, even though I don't run.
Other times I buy them for half the price online.
I usually switch between Asics and Mizuno. No particular reason other than the sales people at the running stores usually tell me to buy one of those pairs.
I also have to buy narrows, 2A.
In an Asics I'm a 2A 10
In Mizuno, I'm a 2A 10.5

That explains why for the last year and half I've been wearing shoes too big for me and why I'm now returning shoes that are too small for me. Their sizing is different.